by Lindsey Iler
When my fist pounds down on the counter top, the clean dishes rattle. I cover my face with my damp hands, rubbing the tension and stress from behind my eyes.
What am I supposed to do now? Let her leave?
After the water drains from the country style sink, I call out to Brittany, letting her know I’ll be back in a little while. When I don’t hear a reply, I run down the deck steps and onto the lawn instead of searching her out.
The boat bobs from the ripples created by nature and nothing else. I walk down the dock, taking time to untie the ropes, and step onto the pontoon. Finding the keys in the ignition, I crank the motor and reverse out into open water. Before I rev the engine forward, I glance back at the house. Violet watches me from one of the balconies. Redirecting my attention to where I’m headed, I zoom to the far corner of the lake. Several channels open before me, and now, I need to decide which one to follow.
Ironic, I know.
I take the furthest one, coasting down the narrow pathway overgrown with weeds. When I reach the middle of the lake, I cut the motor.
When I was younger, my dad did this with me. He taught me to enjoy and respect the silence. “Our best thinking is done in solitary moments like this one.” Time to take good old Dad’s advice.
The lake guides and pushes me where it feels is right. The sun slowly sets as I lay on my back in the front of the boat, a towel tucked under my head. The sky is clear, and a few stars pop out.
Past decisions and memories tumble through my mind. Some good. Some bad. Some ugly. Most of them revolve around one girl.
When the sun is fully set, I turn on the trolling lights and head to the dock. Once the boat is secure, I race inside and take the steps two at a time. I twist the knob and barge into the bedroom.
“We should talk,” I say, closing the door behind me.
My alarm startles me awake at five in the morning. I’ve barely slept a wink. Not from a lack of trying.
“Fuck off,” I say to the repetitive beep, slamming my fist on the snooze button.
My legs swing over the sides of the mattress. Pulling the clothes from the top of the dresser, I head into the bathroom, blindly starting a shower and abandoning my shorts and tank on the floor. The warm water scatters over my skin, washing away the stress of last night. The distracted but conscious way he watched me as he zoomed away on the boat is burned into the inside of my eyelids, assuring every time they shut, his expression is all I see. It’s no surprise I feel the aftermath of it throughout my body this morning.
After my confession, being here with them has weighed on my mind like a heavy dumbbell. A long conversation with Kennedy didn’t exactly help. “Follow your heart” and “do what makes your heart happy” holds little weight. In the end, I told her I needed her to pick me up from the airport. Not because I couldn’t hail a cab, but because I would most definitely need my best friend.
Once dressed and wearing enough makeup to be presentable, I ready myself for whatever waits outside of this room.
While dragging my luggage down the long hallway, I stop at the room beside mine. The closed door hides the boy I love and the girl occupying his time in my absence. My hand pulls up to knock but drops before I build up enough courage.
Downstairs is dark except for the small light over the stove. Having preset the coffee maker last night, the aroma of Folgers brewing greets me. Once the magical liquid is in a travel mug, I grab my luggage in the hallway. As I pass by the living room, a shadow catches my attention. Hot liquid sears my skin, almost causing me to drop it on the hardwood floor. God damn, that hurts like a bitch. The remnants on my skin stain my white shorts when I wipe it away without thinking.
“Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me,” I holler, abandoning my luggage to shove my heart back in place.
“I didn’t mean to.” Dan turns the light on and sits up, throwing the covers off his lap.
“Did you sleep down here?” I inspect the indent on the couch from where he slept.
“I didn’t want to miss you before you left.” He shrugs.
“What about Brittany? I bet she doesn’t appreciate her boyfriend waiting downstairs for his ex-girlfriend, only to say goodbye.” The hot liquid dances over my bottom lip when I tip the mug.
“She left last night.” His eyes lock on mine.
“What? But why?” I hide my pleased smile behind the rim. My reaction is selfish. Dan isn’t mine, but that doesn’t mean I want him to be with someone else.
“A while ago, I came to grips with our break-up. I put all my focus on baseball and working out. This is going to sound crazy, but I didn’t want to be the guy I was with you anymore. I didn’t want to be everyone’s best friend and confidant. I wanted to be desired, and in a way, looked at the way everyone looks at Graham and Mark.” Dan’s cheeks redden from the confession. “In my head, I created this world where I wasn’t good enough for you.” The words rip at my heart. “I wanted to be worthy of you. Somewhere along the way, I realized I’ve always been good enough for you. You just didn’t know it.”
“That’s not it at all, Dan. I was just afraid you’d end up hurting me.”
“So you plan on punishing me without actually knowing whether or not I’d hurt you?” Dan asks. “Hardly seems fair. Especially since the guy standing in front of you would do anything to make you happy.”
“Would’ve you mean.”
“No, I would do anything for you, Vi. I’ve loved you since . . . Gosh, I can’t even remember when I started loving you, but what I do know is I’ve never stopped. It didn’t matter how many parties or how many dates I went on. In the end, the girls were never you. They didn’t have the sparkle in their eyes like you do or the contagious laugh when you think something is truly funny. So if you’re asking why I sent Brittany packing, it’s simply because she isn’t you.”
“What am I supposed to do with that, huh?” My gaze drifts out the front window where my taxi waits. The driver lays on his horn.
“Don’t leave. Stay,” Dan begs. “Let me prove to you how bad you need me in your life.”
“I don’t need anyone.” The words sound bitter and full of spite. Don’t let him in. Listen to your mother’s words. Even the good guys can be bad.
“Of course, you do. You’re just the kind of girl who likes to be a pain in everyone’s ass. Who likes to act all stubborn but is actually willing to relent most of the time because you know we’re right about you.” He smirks with the observation. “I’m right about this. You need me, and I’ll be damned if I allow you to walk out of this house without me proving it to you.”
“What makes you think I want you to prove anything to me?” I counter.
“Your cab’s been idling for almost ten minutes, and here you are, still standing in front of me.” He points out into the driveway.
“Why are you so observant, huh? Riddle me that.” I swing the front door open and march to the driver’s window. This is a big leap. Are you sure?
“I’m sorry to have you come this whole way, but I won’t be needing a ride anymore.” I dig in my pocket and hand him two twenty dollar bills. “Have a nice day.”
“I’m going to regret this,” I tell myself as I storm back inside. How did I go from putting my foot down for my own good, to abandoning my plans in the snap of one, tanned finger?
Dan is in the kitchen mixing up pancake batter. The smell of sizzling butter moves through the house.
“Hungry?” He holds the bowl up with a satisfied gleam in his eyes.
“Don’t gloat. I’m only staying because you’re one convincing son of a bitch.”
“Are you sure it isn’t because of my chiseled body?” I can see his laugh begging to release.
“Yes, it’s your Greek God body. How could I get into the cab and leave all this behind?” I lift the back of his shirt. Hard lines and definition as far as my eyes can see. I’m in trouble. “It would be a crime to walk away.”
Dan winks and puts a little butter in a pan. The siz
zle fills the room, and soon, the fresh aroma of homemade pancakes has my stomach growling. He places a stack in front of me and overdoes the syrup, just the way I like. We eat in silence. How can something so normal feel so significant?
I pick up our plates to rinse them. Dan’s heat covers my back. His hand guides mine to place the plates on top of the rest of the dirty dishes.
“These can wait,” he whispers.
I twist around to face him. He doesn’t back away but holds his ground instead. My tongue dances along the inside of my cheek.
“I have somewhere I’d like to take you.” Dan takes me by the hand and leads me up the stairs.
“It’s only seven-thirty in the morning.” I try to pull away from his touch. It’s too much, too soon.
“Do you have somewhere else to be?” Dan opens the door and guides me inside the bedroom. His bedroom. “Get dressed.”
“Sherlock, my bags are still downstairs. And when I said I’d stay, I didn’t mean in your bedroom.” My fists bite into my sides. I hold him under my scrutiny with a straight face I’m struggling to keep in place.
“I’ll grab the bags. You sit tight.” He turns to leave, then circles back around. “And the living arrangements for the next week are still up for debate.”
I laugh as he races out of the room, his bare feet beating against the wood steps and floor. His grin is contagious when he pops back into the room, dragging my luggage and my carry-on draped over his strong shoulder.
“And what should I be wearing?” I ask, hoping to gain some information for where he’s taking me.
“If it were up to me–” Dan grins as I cut him off.
“Yes, if it were up to you, I’d walk this earth butt ass naked, but the rest of the public may disagree. So what should I wear?” I unzip my suitcase and paw at the clothes.
“Bathing suit, shorts, and if you’re feeling dangerous, leave the tank top here.” He pulls what he thinks I should wear out of my suitcase and tosses them onto the mattress. “Hate to cover those up.” His eyes lock on my chest.
“Seriously? You haven’t grown up at all, have you?” I push him toward the door. “Get out of here so I can get dressed.”
“Violet, if I’ve seen you naked before, I don’t think it’s a crime to stick around.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I think to myself before I give the lamest excuse I can conjure up.
“That was before. We were dating then, Dan.”
“And now?” His eyebrow perks up.
“I’m shy.” Barely able to keep my smile at bay, I bite down on the corner of my lip.
“You, shy?” The pad of Dan’s thumb runs over the spot I’m attempting to puncture. “You haven’t been shy a day in your life. Sure as hell never been shy around me, so let’s not play games. If you don’t want me to see you naked, just say so.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want you to see me naked,” I argue against myself.
“So, you do want to get naked for me then?” Dan smirks.
“Just get the fuck out of here. You’re messing with my head, in the good kind of way, and now I’m confused by what I thought I needed and what I want.”
Dan leans forward, brushing his hand just above my ear. His fingers push my hair to the side, and he grins.
“You know what you want and need, Violet, and they’re the same thing.” His eyes drift to the bed.
“That isn’t going to happen right now.” I push him until he’s fully out of the room, and I’m able to slam the door. My back leans against the slab of wood, the only thing keeping Dan from sinking his teeth into me.
A knock at the door makes me jump.
“What?” I shout.
“Are you ready to go?” Dan shouts.
I scurry around the room, gathering clothes and pulling them on. When I open the door, Dan’s hands grip the top of the doorframe, and his eyes scan from my feet to my head. It’s evident he’s affected by my purple string bikini and the shortest pair of jean shorts I own.
“Forgetting something?” He nods to the tank top spread across the pillow.
“Oh, that’s right.” I jerk the fabric and slip it over my body. I slink by him and pat him on the chest a few times. “Let’s go.”
He groans at my now covered body.
*****
“I haven’t laughed this hard in so long.” I clench my bare stomach as I lay down on the front bench of the boat. Back in New York, most mornings I already have to wear a light coat. The Tennessee sun kisses my skin, and I welcome the feeling, knowing I’ll soon miss it.
“Well, you haven’t been around me, and from what I hear, you haven’t been around many people,” Dan blurts out. He holds up his hands in defense. “I understand it’s none of my business, Vi, but I have to ask. What’s been going on?”
Clearly, he’s spoken to our friends. They’ve done their part in keeping our lives private. At the time, that’s what I thought I needed. Zero information. Zero contact. Once, I begged Amanda for a sliver of Dan, but she kept mum. She told me, rather rudely, if I wanted to know, I had Dan’s number. Now, seeing Kennedy’s reaction to Dan, I’d say I’m not the only one who’s kept a distance.
“Kennedy has been busy with Ben. She transferred to UConn, you know?”
Kennedy is the most brilliant dancer I’ve ever seen on any stage. She’d gained a major following last year. The thing is, she hasn’t had the easiest few years. It started in high school when she found herself on the other side of a ticking time bomb. Once Craig was arrested for her assault and finally charged for the crimes he’d committed, she struggled with what her new reality looked like. Add in the absence of the love of her life, and everything seemed to crumble around her. A year later, Graham came back into her life. No one knew the growing Graham had done in their time apart, but along with him came Ben, the apple of their eyes now.
“And you don’t agree with her choice to transfer?”
I stand and walk back to the seat next to Dan’s. He fidgets with the steering wheel, drumming his thumbs over the leather.
How do I say this without sounding like a monster?
“Just spit it out.” He taps my knee. “No one’s here to judge you, and if I were to judge you, it would’ve been a long time ago.” He chuckles deeply, making light of the situation.
“It’s not that I think she’s made a mistake, but Columbia was her dream.” A dream she’s had since she was little. New York is where she saw her future starting.
“Dreams change. When Kennedy made those decisions, Ben wasn’t in the picture. It seems she’s right where she needs to be.”
“I don’t blame her for transferring, and I understand why she did. She’s still dancing and scheduled to graduate on time. I guess,” I pause, picking up my beer and taking a large sip, “I miss her. Nothing seems right anymore.”
“Can I speak honestly?” He abandons his seat and sits in the one across from me. I shrug, letting him know I’m okay with his candid approach. “It’s okay for things to change because, at some point, it all will slow down. Quit having a pity party, and realize you’re in control of everything that does and doesn’t happen to you. You’re in control, Violet. If you feel like things are out of whack, then fix them. Reach out. From what I’ve heard, you’ve been absent from the picture.”
“It’s been hard.” I skate my fingertips over the side railing.
“Because of me?” Dan’s far-off expression has me squirming in my seat, uncomfortable with his bluntness. Wouldn’t this be easier if we pretended we haven’t destroyed each other in one way or another?
“Honestly, yes. This time last year, I was envisioning our white-picket-fence future, and now it’s all fucked up. It’s in my head. I just don’t know how to get it all out of here.” I point to my temple.
“I have an idea.” Dan’s voice lowers as he leans in. “Don’t think about all the reasons why we shouldn’t be doing this, but remember the one why we should.”
His lips press a
gainst mine, and everything fades away. The way I’ve secluded myself. The unknown future I’ve marked our relationship with and everything in between. His tongue dances along the seam of my mouth, and I moan in satisfaction. Satisfaction I never thought I’d feel again. Satisfaction I’m afraid I’ll only find on Dan’s lips.
His lips slip from mine, and I lurch forward to keep us connected. His hand rests gingerly on my collarbone, holding us mere inches apart.
“Did it work?” he asks.
“What?” His words break me from the haze he’s created in my mind and around my heart.
“See, Vi, we’re good together. We’ve always been good together.”
“I can’t deny that much,” I respond.
“So, what do you say? You’ve already sent away the taxi this morning, we’ve had breakfast, and a great morning on the boat. How about allowing me to take you on a date?”
“Like a real-life date?” I raise an eyebrow. “You plan on wining and dining me? Romance and all?”
“I think I’m capable of a little romance.” He stands and turns the ignition of the boat.
“Where are we going?” I ask as he drives toward the shore. He checks his watch.
“Well, it’s three, so I’d say we need to head back. It seems I have some work ahead of me.” He wiggles his eyebrows and turns his attention to the water.
When he docks the boat, I stand. “Pick me up at six?” I suggest.
“I’ll be there.” He smiles as I pass by him.
*****
I pace back and forth in front of the mirror. Every few steps, I check to ensure my hair isn’t out of place. The last thing I need is to swing open the door and look as if I’ve been stuck in a windstorm. Not that Dan would care. He’s always said I could shave my head and still look just as beautiful. He’s full of shit. Nonetheless, I appreciate the sentiment.