by Lindsey Iler
“Why do guys assume every girl likes that?” Her smile broadens with approval as her head dips back down.
My knee jerks, and my control teeters on the edge.
Her throat relaxes, and for a split second, I swear she’s humming “Twinkle, Twinkle.”
“You’re going to have to stop that.” With a faint pop, I pull myself from her mouth.
Swiftly, I turn the tables, laying her body out beneath me. Her soft legs spread, making just enough room for me to tuck myself close. I feel the radiance between us as our lips come closer. My hardness butts up against her entrance. The heat makes my eyes drift shut.
“Do you have a condom?” She buries her face against my throat.
I bend, reaching for my jeans. The foil wrapper rips open, and our bodies part just enough to slip the material over me. Violet watches with a thrilled smile. I rub along her slit, my head eager to plunge forward. Violet’s hips buck at the contact.
“You going to keep playing with yourself or do something with it?” The way she bites the corner of her tongue has my body on auto-pilot. The shortest distance is between the girl I love and me. The girl I know like the back of my own hand. Everything about us coming together is familiar in the best way possible.
Burying myself inside her, as I have many times before, is like a slice of pure bliss, served to me on a silver platter. My lips brush her nipple, one and then the other. She writhes beneath me as I glide in and out, teasing her until her walls clench around me.
“Dan.” She matches my urgency, caressing the length of my back. Her fingernails dig into my hips, and I’m drunk from the feel of her skin against my own. The sensation has me grinding harder and harder inside of her.
“Violet.” My eyes meet her emerald ones, and I can see how much she loves me.
It’s right there in front of me. Almost tangible.
As quick as I glimpse the pure emotion, it dissolves. Her brow draws together in agony. She corrects herself, putting an iron hold on her expressions as she crumbles around me, and I follow suit.
*****
“What do you want for dinner?” Violet asks. My shirt hits the tops of her thighs as she twirls through the kitchen, standing on her tippy toes and looking like every man’s wet dream.
I lean my elbows on the table and smirk. Earlier this morning, I’d assumed tonight would end up much differently. The way we’d left things last night, Violet had been more likely to bolt. How I am now watching Violet prance around in my shirt isn’t worth questioning. With questions come answers, and I’m not sure I want to know them.
“You going to cook for me? Since when do you cook?” I’m skeptical of her skills in the kitchen.
She peers over her shoulder. Her fists pinch into her sides, and she smirks. The expression is playful. A hint of desire shines back at me through her emerald eyes. My feet carry me to sweep her up in my arms. Her thighs hit the edge of the counter. My head dips low, and I kiss along the top of them. As I look up at her with a hooded stare, she wiggles her ass along the cold marble.
“Sit your ass down, and you’ll see.” She presses her foot against my chest and jumps from the counter. A hint of a snicker echoes through the vast kitchen.
By the time she’s finished cooking, I’ve watched every move she’s made. The way she cubes the chicken. Her delicate fingers handling the veggies and throwing everything into the pan.
“I could get used to watching you dance around a kitchen like this.” I tug her onto my lap as she sets the meal on the table. “You’d look awfully gorgeous in my apartment.”
“Don’t get used to it.” She jerks up and sets the table. What?
Violet saying for me not to get used to it feels like a slap in the face. When she turns around, she sees the worry in my eyes. Yes, damn right I’m worried. She can’t be all affectionate one minute, and then turn around and say things like that. The girl’s going to give me whiplash.
“I don’t like to cook very often.” She shrugs in a way to erase her initial response.
It’s too late. You already said it.
“Well, you should.” I dish the chicken onto each of our plates, fork a chunk, and pop it into my mouth. The meat melts on my tongue. “This is delicious.”
“Really?” She sits down and stabs her own piece. Her eyes widen as she looks at me.
“You’re adorable. Did you honestly not think it would be good?” I shove food into my mouth.
“I sort of just threw the shit in the pan. I didn’t think it would taste like this.” She points to her plate, a contagious giggle full of amusement is like music to my ears. That alone has me second guessing our exchange seconds ago.
“Can we get serious for a minute?” I ask, pushing my plate away. There’s a lot I need to know, and I’ve kept pushing it down, deep to try to stop myself from bringing it up.
“Depends.” She slides her fork through her lips with a pop at the end.
“Why have you stayed away? It’s not like you to shut people out.” I stare right over her head. Maybe to protect myself from whatever she’ll have to say, or maybe because I’m afraid I won’t believe the answer she gives.
“Honestly?” She sways from side to side to catch my eyes in hers. “I was tired of all of it. All the crap with my parents. Watching everyone’s life seem easy and simple. I just dove into my job and devoted all my time to it. And while I did that, it seemed easy to make up excuses for why I couldn’t do things. Amanda and I were like two ships passing in the night and we live together.”
“Didn’t she ever wonder what the hell was going on with you?” I ask because it seems strange for Amanda to not dig her nose into her roommate’s business. One thing these girls are good at is knowing the ins and outs of each other’s life.
“She did in the beginning. Kennedy had been wrapped up with her own things, so Amanda stepped in.” Violet’s face falls. “Not that Kennedy ever stopped being there for me, but like I said before, it was difficult. She had Graham and Ben to think about. I don’t fault her for that. She deserves to be selfish. If any of us do, it’s her.”
“Yeah, true, but that doesn’t lessen what you’ve been going through.” My hand covers hers that sits on the tabletop.
“Yes, poor me. The girl whose parents are getting divorced. Hardly a reason for my whole world to fall apart.” She jerks away, wringing her hands together on her lap.
“I think we both know it’s more than just that.”
“Even so, my problems are minimal compared to others.” She takes a deep breath. “So, I secluded myself. I shut people out. I went off the radar, if you will, but at the time, it felt right.” She avoids any eye contact. She can’t hide from me. The girl’s never been capable of lying to me.
I don’t like the way she dismisses her problems as if they aren’t as significant as the rest of ours. Her avoidance is a clear indication she’s lying.
“And now?” I brush a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Now, it seems like I’ve missed out on a lot of things.”
“It’s not too late, you know? There’s always time to make up for those hours lost.”
“How do you make it seem so easy?” She laughs under her breath, amused with how she perceives my life. Babe, you are so far off it’s not even funny.
“Life is a pain in the ass. It’s difficult, and it pushes back,” I say. “Trust me, Vi, I don’t make life look easy. My life is anything but that right now. I have my own choices to make. Things that will either screw up my future or mold it into what it’s supposed to be.”
Her eyes narrow at my choice of words, and she parts her lips to say something. I lean forward, covering them with my own, stopping the questions she plans to ask. Just as she isn’t, I’m not ready to talk about every gory detail of my life. How do you expect her to divulge her laundry, but you aren’t willing to do the same?
“Let’s go lay down in bed and watch a movie or talk, or we can do whatever you want to do,” I suggest, offering my hand
to her as I stand. She takes it, and I lead her up the steps, straight into my room.
“I’m going to go wash up.” She grabs clothes from her suitcase and disappears behind the bathroom door. The sink faucet is turned on and off. The toilet seat is shut.
In her absence, I shed my clothes, leaving me in my boxer briefs. I slide under the covers and reach for my phone. Since it’s been off since yesterday, it pings like crazy. Another apology from Graham. A groveling text from Kennedy. A voicemail from my mom about a package I’ve received.
My breath freezes as I check my email, knowing the package should coincide with a virtual confirmation. When the bold subject line pops up on the screen, I slap my phone down on the mattress.
“Shit,” I whisper.
As I reach for the remote to flip through the movie channels, I notice Violet stop short of getting into the bed. Her tiny shorts reveal just a sliver of her ass cheeks. The white tank top clings to her chest.
“You make it hard for a guy, you know that?” I drop the remote.
“This is all so hard,” she whispers, but I don’t think I’m meant to hear those words. No, they’re meant for only her.
I extend my arm, offering her to tuck herself in where I know she’ll be safe. She hesitates.
“I won’t bite,” I joke, hoping to relieve some of the tension that’s formed since downstairs.
Violet’s smile is faint as she lifts the covers and slides beneath them. “Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer, but I’m curious.”
I nod in answer.
“What was it like for you to date someone new?” she asks. The fear behind the question is thick in her voice. “I don’t want to know the nitty-gritty details, but watching you and Brittany together was strange for me. You seemed happy, entertained at the very least, comfortable. It was hard to see.”
“To be honest, I didn’t date much, but when I did, it was entertaining,” I admit, muting the television. “For once, I wasn’t seen as the giant teddy bear. I wasn’t the best friend.”
“You mean once you lost all the weight?” she questions.
“I didn’t just lose weight. I gained back the confidence I lost when we broke up. It was strange to walk through campus and have girls strain their neck to look at me. On the inside, I still felt like Dan ‘the good guy’, but the outside was telling a different story.”
“What do you mean?”
“I became the guy who was capable of hurting someone.” I shake my head and groan. “That didn’t come out right.”
“No, I think it did. Before, you were labeled the sweet guy because of your outward appearance, but when a few pounds are shed, and you become this God-like Adonis, people look at you differently. At the very least, they assume you are different.”
I smile at her way of knowing what I mean, even when I can’t say it in the right way.
“So, how many hearts were there?” Her eyebrow perks up. “How many hearts did you leave in your wake?”
“None that mattered,” I answer.
“You and I both know you don’t mean that. You’re incapable of hurting someone without feeling remorse.”
“I dated three girls. None of which mattered, but if you want to know, I’ll tell you the cause of our failed relations.”
“Please do.”
“You.”
“You aren’t allowed to say that. You were the one who told me you wouldn’t be waiting for me. Trust me, I got your message loud and clear.”
“We both know I lied that day.” I gently tip her chin so I can read her expression.
“Didn’t feel like a lie.” Sadness drips from her eyes.
The most confusing part of this is Violet’s reactions to things I do or say. One minute she’s vulnerable, and the next she’s shielding herself from me.
“Even so, when I said that, I was angry at you.” My confession feels dirty. Never in a million years would I want to intentionally hurt Violet. In the end, that’s what I did.
“I know you were.” A deep breath is released from between her lips. “Can we stop talking about this?” she asks.
“Of course.” Having her wrapped in my arms is the most relaxed I have felt in months. As one of the Avenger movies play, her breath soothes me.
“Goodnight, Dan,” she murmurs as she slips off to sleep.
I flip off the lamp on the nightstand and turn off the television. In the darkness, her quiet breath is music to my ears and lulls me to a peaceful sleep.
*****
When I was younger, my parents say I suffered from night terrors. I don’t remember them, but over the years, they’d slowly faded. My mother tells me horror stories of hearing me screaming, and how terrified she’d be when she found my bed empty because I tended to wander.
I’ve never really understood her fear. That is until this morning, when I wake to an empty bed and the absence of Violet’s soft, warm body.
Guilt sits heavy on my chest. When I’d drifted to sleep last night, I knew I had to leave as soon as he went to sleep. My feet had dragged me through the house, reluctant but silent. He had no idea he would wake up alone. Just as you intended, you monster.
The plane taxis onto the tarmac. Once we’re completely stopped, I take one last sip from my water bottle and stand on wobbly knees. With my carry-on in hand, I trudge through the busy airport. On the short journey outside, I see a soldier being greeted by his family after what I’m sure has been hell for them. Your turmoil doesn’t even compare. Don’t even compare it.
All I can do is cry. Tears of resentment, of joy, of love. Quite a strange combination.
“You okay, ma’am?” An airport attendant asks as I sit on the curb.
My head slumps over, and my elbows rest on my bent knees. A silent brush off is all I need to do to gain some solitary time. He groans as he walks away, apparently offended by my lack of voice.
A muffler rumbles softly, alerting me of a car’s arrival. Legs appear, and a hand reaches for me to take. A sad smile adorns Kennedy’s face, and I give her my hand. Her arms envelop me in a tight hug.
“Everything will be okay,” she reassures me. Her hand skims up and down my back, and I relax into her. Hiccups take over my breathing.
“No, Kennedy, no, it won’t. I left him. I just left him there. No word. No note. He’s going to hate me.” True fear embodies every word. I dry the tears from my face, but they are quickly replaced with more.
“Shh.” She pats my back. “Shh. Take a deep breath.”
I can’t breathe. I don’t deserve to breathe.
“I never meant to hurt him, but I just keep doing it.” I search my best friend for understanding and perhaps a soft place to land.
“I understand you didn’t mean to hurt him, sweetie. I’m just not sure he’ll see it that way.” Her honesty stings, but she’s right.
“Can you just take me home?” My shoulders grow heavy, and I have to remind myself to take small, short breaths.
She guides me to her SUV and helps load my luggage. The drive back to the apartment is silent. When we pull in front of the building, Richard greets us with his usual smile, but when his eyes land on me, it fades.
“Take her upstairs. I’ll bring her bags and park the car,” he offers Kennedy.
“Thank you, Richard.” She smiles and wraps an arm around me.
As if I don’t know what to do with my own feet, she guides me through the lobby and into the elevator. When we walk through the door, Amanda greets us with a bottle of wine and three glasses.
“I figured we’d need this,” Amanda states, a sympathetic smile in place.
“I think we’ll need more than that.” Kennedy leads me to the couch and heads into the kitchen. Amanda follows close behind. I can’t hear them, but they’re whispering about me.
The crazy thing is I can’t seem to care. The thin air in front of me steals my full attention. Nothingness. Empty. Much like how I feel.
A full glass is placed in my hand, and I gulp down t
he bubbly liquid. When I extend my glass to Amanda, she fills it to the top, just as she did before. Bothering with eye contact isn’t a top priority, and the both of them have to be thankful. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t know what to say to either of them.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Amanda finally blurts out. “You came back early, so . . .”
“It was a fucking roller coaster ride. We were up and down. I begged him to understand why I needed him to be my friend, and then I went and screwed it all up by screwing him. Literally and metaphorically.” I down another glass of wine and extend the empty to Amanda.
“I knew we shouldn’t have gone through with it,” Kennedy says to Amanda, over the top of my head.
“What difference does it make now?” Amanda rebuts. She rubs a soothing pattern on my arm. “Vi, why did you sleep together after our conversation? I told you a friendship would take some serious work.”
“We went to the water park. I haven’t laughed so much in all of my life and on the way back in the truck, I felt this familiar spark between us. It’s always been there, even when I denied it, you know? It’s like a bad habit. You can’t quit it unless you really want to and at the time, clearly I wasn’t willing to give him up. Any part of him.” I lean against the back cushion of the couch. My eyes glare holes into the ceiling.
“But now you are?” Kennedy grabs the bottle of wine and fills my glass to the top.
“No, that’s the thing. I’m not ready to give him up, but how can I be with him when I don’t even know who I am? I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. All I do know is I don’t want to end up hurt in the end.” My glass smacks down on the table, and I crisscross my legs like a child. “After we slept together, I sat in the bathroom and thought about everything that’s led me to this point and I felt dread and panic. I was stupid enough to bring up his relationships since we broke up. I pretended to sleep and started to panic.”