“Why are you doing this, Kate? I love you. I’m sorry you were upset about my summer plans.”
“I’m sorry I misunderstood the ‘arrangement’ you have with your wife. I didn’t realize it included monthlong vacations with her, or I would never have gotten involved. I don’t need that kind of heartbreak in my life, Bernard. And I assume you spend the Christmas holidays with her too. That’s not the kind of relationship I want with someone else’s husband,” she said firmly, and he raised an eyebrow, which made him look even more handsome, much to her chagrin.
“Do you always make decisions about your heart? Why don’t you let your heart decide for itself? We loved each other three months ago. That doesn’t disappear in an instant, or even in a few months.” He was very convincing, and he wasn’t wrong, but Kate was determined not to let him sway her. She had made up her mind.
“I didn’t know who you were then. I thought I did. But it turned out I was mistaken. When you make discoveries like that, it changes everything. You don’t play by the same rules I do. I want an honest, loving relationship, if I have one. I thought that’s what we had. It wasn’t. I’m not interested in stealing someone’s husband, or even borrowing you part-time.”
“I’m not in love with my wife, Kate.” He looked sincere when he said it, and maybe he was.
“That doesn’t make you a free man. Not in my world anyway.”
“You’re making a terrible mistake if you throw this away.”
“I don’t think I am. We have a business relationship that’s important for both of us. I’d like to preserve that, if we can. But as far as anything else, I’m returning you to your wife, whether you love her or not.” There was ice in her eyes when she said it to him, and he looked taken aback. No one had ever been that honest with him before. He could see that she meant it, and the door to her heart was closed.
“You’re a hard woman, Kate. I never realized that before.” She didn’t answer him, as he picked up the printout of the sales figures from the desk and put it in his briefcase.
“Let me know if you have any questions,” she said, indicating the financial report he had just put away. “I’ll be happy to answer them for you.” He nodded, and without saying another word, he walked out of the store. A piece of her heart went with him, but he didn’t know it. She walked back into her office and closed the door behind her. She was shaking and there was a lump in her throat. He sent her a text a few minutes later, and she read it as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Je t’aime” was all it said. And as she held her phone in her trembling hand, she spoke out loud.
“No, you don’t.” And then she erased his message and put her phone away. Liam had been right about married men.
Chapter 17
When Justin and Richard brought the baby to New York to meet Justin’s mother and grandmother, she was three weeks old, and they brought more equipment than Kate had ever seen. A folding travel bed, a Moses basket, a car seat that transformed into a carrier, a rocking seat for the baby, a quilt for the floor with toys attached to it, boxes of Pampers, formula, bottles, their sterilizer, a swing so she would go to sleep, and a stroller you could put in six different positions and fold down into the car. Their car was crammed full, and when they carried her into Kate’s apartment, they looked like they were moving in.
“Good lord, how can she need all that?” Kate asked in amazement. “I used to manage with my purse, a stroller, and a diaper bag with four children.”
“We have two suitcases of clothes for her in the car. She goes through an outfit every hour. She spits up a lot,” Justin explained. Kate was in awe as they set everything up, put Milagra in the swing, turned it on, and set the musical mobile attached to it in motion. She was still sound asleep. They both looked exhausted, and Justin had circles under his eyes. They said they were getting about three hours of sleep a night. They hadn’t gotten Milagra on a schedule yet. Kate couldn’t help wondering if all new parents these days were like them, with a million different kinds of equipment, or if they were just excessive about it. They set up the sterilizer in the kitchen and washed the bottles they’d used in the car.
Grandma Lou was just as impressed when she arrived and saw the sleeping baby, surrounded by the mountain of what they’d brought.
“Are you moving to New York?” she asked, looking puzzled but enchanted by the lovely features in the tiny face. She looked like a baby in an ad.
“No, Grandma,” Justin answered. “She just needs a lot of stuff.”
“For what? A garage sale? No three-week-old child could need all that. How exhausting to move it all around.” She looked amazed.
She was still sound asleep in the swing that ticked like a metronome, and the music was playing while little giraffes danced above her.
“You’re going to need a bigger house if you’ve accumulated all that in three weeks,” Grandma Lou said, and Justin looked faintly embarrassed at the excess, while Richard insisted that all babies had equipment like that these days, and he had bought her educational toys too. He had heard somewhere that he could teach her to read by the time she was two. They had read all the currently popular books on child development and how to have a smart baby.
Julie came to visit to see the baby, and Zach and Izzie had promised to come by. Willie was away for the weekend. They all sat around admiring the baby while she slept, and Richard enumerated all the things she could already do. According to him, she was advanced, which made Kate smile.
The baby was still sleeping when Zach and Izzie arrived. Izzie was wearing jeans and a man’s blue shirt and loafers. She looked very thin, to the point of gaunt. Zach was wearing black leather pants, one of his sleeveless tee shirts, and a leather vest, and went around the room saying hello to everyone, then helped himself to a Coke in Kate’s fridge, and sat down. Izzie glanced at all the equipment too.
“She has a lot of stuff,” Izzie commented, and said she was very pretty. They all agreed on that, and Richard took a number of photos of her with his phone while she continued to sleep with her chin slumped on her chest. She was wearing a little pink sweater and a matching cap with tiny ballet shoes.
“She needs some black leathers,” Zach said and Justin laughed, and then they chatted for a few minutes. Zach stretched out his long legs, and Izzie realized that he hadn’t worn the socks she’d given him, and her mother happened to look down at the same time, and noticed the electronic anklet on his left leg. She looked puzzled and Izzie’s heart skipped a beat.
“What’s that?” she asked innocently, assuming it was some new trend, or one of those devices that measured your heart rate, how many steps you walk every day, and how many calories you burned.
“Oh, just something I picked up,” Zach said, brushing off the question, as he crossed his legs to conceal it, but Justin had seen it and so had Richard. Justin glanced at Izzie with a question in his eyes. He knew instantly what it was.
He followed her out to the kitchen a few minutes later to get a bottle ready for the baby when she woke up, and he cornered Izzie as she got a glass of water. “What’s that about?” he asked. He knew it had nothing to do with measuring steps. “When did that happen?” There was no avoiding the question or his eyes. And she was ready to kill Zach for not wearing socks. Having her family know that he had been convicted of something was the last thing she needed, particularly since she knew that to some degree they were all uneasy about Zach as a mate for her.
“It happened a few months ago,” she said, looking tired as she said it. “It’s nothing serious.”
“They put those anklets on instead of sending you to jail,” Justin insisted, and she nodded. There was no point denying it, they both knew it was true. Zach sauntered into the kitchen then and his wife gave him a quelling look. “I was just asking Izzie about your anklet. How did you wind up with that?” Zach figured that there was no point lying to him now that they’d seen it. He thought they’d find out sooner or later anyway, and he didn’t see any reaso
n to keep it a secret. They were family after all.
“I got busted for possession, and I was already on probation, so I got stuck with this. It was either the anklet or prison, and it was a better deal. I only have to wear it for a year.” He helped himself to another Coke, and then went back to the living room, as Justin stared at his sister.
“Are you okay?” He was worried about her all over again. More so now.
“Yes, I am,” she said, looking embarrassed. “It was a stupid thing for him to do. He was drunk when it happened. I told him to wear socks today.” Justin wondered what else she was hiding from them.
“He’d better behave or they’ll send him away,” Justin warned her.
“I’ve tried to impress that on him. He’s like a big kid. He does foolish things. He’s not a drug dealer or anything.” She tried to make light of it, and Justin didn’t press her, but he was very upset by what he’d heard and how casual Zach was about it. That wasn’t the life he hoped for, for his sister. She deserved better than that. And she had so much faith in him, which he thought Zach didn’t deserve.
No one else mentioned it when they went back to the living room, and the baby was crying, which distracted everyone. Justin put her in his grandmother’s arms, and she looked down at her with a wide smile, as Richard took pictures of them and a video. And then Justin gave Milagra her bottle, but he was still shaken by what Zach had said and how blithe he was about it.
“You’d better get some practice doing that,” Zach teased Izzie as Justin changed the baby’s diaper on a mat on the floor. Fortunately it was only wet.
“Why would you practice changing diapers?” Kate asked her daughter, as Izzie glanced imploringly at Zach. He was hitting all the high notes today.
“He’s just kidding,” Izzie said, and changed the subject, but Justin stared at the tiny bump under her shirt and then his eyes widened as he looked up at his sister.
“Oh my God, you’re pregnant.” There was dead silence in the room, and Izzie didn’t deny it since it was true, but she hadn’t been planning to tell them yet. They all stared at her for denial or confirmation.
“Yes, I’m pregnant,” she said in a flat voice. There was none of the jubilation one would have expected her to express, just resignation. But given what her husband was wearing on his leg, who could blame her? “It’s due in March,” she confirmed. “We didn’t plan it, it just happened. I didn’t figure it out for a while.”
“It’s going to be great.” Zach smiled broadly, but no one else did. Justin was thinking that it wouldn’t be so great if Zach screwed up again and went to prison, and his sister had a baby.
“Are you happy about it?” Kate asked her softly, and Izzie shrugged. She couldn’t fake it. Her pregnancy had been a shock, and still was given everything that had happened since they’d been married. They’d only been married for four months and she was already three months pregnant. Nothing was happening as she’d expected.
“I’m not happy yet,” she admitted. “But I will be. It doesn’t seem real yet,” and it was a lot less so than his anklet. “It’s an adjustment.” Julie glanced over at her and felt sorry for her, but tried to make the best of it.
“It’ll be adorable. You’ll see. Just like Milagra.” The baby had started crying again, and Richard was bouncing her up and down to calm her, but instead she threw up. So he had to change her clothes, and wasn’t adept at it yet. He was doing that when she pooped, and Kate went to get a towel from the bathroom so it didn’t get on the rug. Her life had changed with the arrival of her grandchild. And it was a reminder of a time she had almost forgotten.
“One forgets how much work they are at that age,” Grandma Lou said, watching Richard trying to change her.
“That’ll be us pretty soon,” Zach said, beaming, as though there were no problems in their world. Izzie looked daggers at him and snapped at him.
“That’ll be you. I’ll be at work. So maybe you’d better take the diaper lesson.” He still hadn’t found a job, and wasn’t trying to. His probation officer questioned him about it every month.
“I’m not changing any diapers,” he said firmly. Kate tried not to let her disapproval show on her face. He was the laziest, most self-indulgent man she’d ever met, and she hated to think he was her son-in-law.
“Do you feel all right?” she asked Izzie, with a look of concern. “You’re awfully thin.”
“I lost some weight. I was sick in the beginning, but I’m starting to feel better now.” She looked as though she considered her pregnancy a punishment, and to her it was. The last thing she wanted right now was to be pregnant. And she worried about Zach every day when she went to work.
Kate didn’t know what to say in answer to Izzie’s obvious unhappiness at being pregnant, and the conversation in the room had died after Zach let the cat out of the bag. They left a little while later, and Izzie berated him as soon as they reached the street.
“Are you crazy? You don’t wear the socks I gave you, so people can’t see that fucking thing on your leg, you tell my brother what you were arrested for, like it’s something to be proud of, and you let them know I’m pregnant, when I asked you not to. Just how difficult do you want to make things? What do you think they’re talking about right now?”
“You can’t hide the baby forever.”
“No, I can’t, but I could have for a while, so I didn’t have to hear their opinions about it, and you can goddam well hide the anklet. Did you really need to tell Justin about that?”
“I’m sorry. I can’t keep track of all the secrets you want me to keep from them.”
“Well, getting busted for possession of cocaine is top of that list. You could have spared them that.”
“So sue me. I’m sorry, it slipped.” He looked miffed.
“It certainly did.” They walked back to their apartment from her mother’s while Justin was explaining to Kate what the anklet was and why he had it, and she looked horrified, even more so now that she knew Izzie was pregnant. She felt desperately sorry for her, and she wasn’t sure if her daughter had married an idiot or a monster.
Grandma Lou saw the expression on Kate’s face and wanted to know what was going on, so Kate told her, and Louise looked shocked.
“What a stupid thing for him to do, when he has everything going for him now, including a wife who loves him and a baby on the way. I hope he grows up soon, or Izzie will be very unhappy.”
“She looks like she already is,” Justin said darkly. “Look how thin she’s gotten. That can’t be healthy for the baby.” Even Grandma Lou thought Izzie’s pregnancy was unfortunate and an unwanted complication.
“Do you think she’ll continue working?” her grandmother asked.
“She can’t afford not to,” Kate said simply. “And he never will, unless he deals drugs.” He was everything she had feared right from the beginning, and worse.
They were back in their apartment then, and Izzie went to lie down. It had been a horrible afternoon, and now her entire family knew about Zach’s being on probation and the baby. The last thing she wanted to hear were their comments, and she was sure there would be many of them before it was all over.
Zach came into the bedroom and lay down next to her.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked unhappily. He hated it when she got angry, and she often was lately, ever since his arrest.
“I’m not mad. I’m scared and unhappy,” she said sadly. “I don’t like everyone in my family knowing my business,” and it was all so overwhelming, the baby, his arrest, her family knowing about it now. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
He tried to make love to her then, and she didn’t want to, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she let him and just lay there. But she started to feel sick before he was through and had to stop him.
“Jesus, what’s wrong with you these days, Izzie? You can’t feel that sick all the time.”
“Well, I do.” A tear snuck out of her eye and onto her pillow.
He got up and walked around the apartment for a while, and then returned to bed, hoping she’d be willing to finish what he’d started, but when he climbed into bed next to her, he saw that she was asleep. And then he was unhappy too.
—
The next surprise Kate had was from Julie. She and Peter were inseparable most of the time now. They’d gone to baseball games together all summer, they went away for weekends, he taught her to sail, and they went to dinner and movies. He treated her like a porcelain doll and she loved it. The only thing she didn’t like was that he always wanted to be alone with her, and didn’t want to spend time with her family or friends. She missed them, but Peter thought it was more romantic to be alone. And she loved him, more than she had any man before. But in spite of that, the one thing she hadn’t shared with him was that she was dyslexic. She had been ashamed of it all her life, and she didn’t want him to know, in case he thought less of her. Even after years of tutoring, she still had trouble reading and read like a child.
And in October, after they went to a baseball play-off game, he threw her a curve she hadn’t expected. He told her he was being transferred to L.A. It meant another promotion for him and he was excited about it. She tried to be happy for him when he told her, but it meant that their romance was over. He was moving in January, and Julie didn’t believe in long-distance relationships. They never worked.
“They just told me this week,” he said, as he put his arms around her, and then he looked down at her as she fought back tears.
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