by Kate Stacy
Fucking Holden.
I’ve never wanted to punch my friend in the damn face as much as I did when he told me that he’d physically prevent me from seeing Madalyn if it came to that. When he told me she didn’t want to see me—or talk to me—it almost broke me. But it didn’t stop me from trying. I’m made of tougher shit than that. Every day, I went to the hospital. Every day, I called. Every single fucking time, she refused me access, denied my calls.
I don’t know what the fuck is going through her head. I don’t know why she won’t let me see her. Be there for her. I only want to provide the comfort I know she needs. I know she’s got her family with her, so she’s not alone, but I thought I was her family, too. I should be there. My place is by her side. Has been since we were kids. Holden may be my friend, but I’ve always belonged to Madalyn. We’ve been through everything together. We should be together now.
After leaving the hospital, I go straight to her parents’ house.
No one is home.
I drive all around town, searching for her. I check all of her siblings’ places, all of her favorite spots, but neither she nor her family are anywhere to be found. Grams isn’t even at the bakery.
Where the hell could everyone be?
Dejected, I drive home to wait.
A few hours later, after too many unanswered calls, there’s a knock at my door. I rush to open it, hoping my girl has finally come home.
I should have known better.
Holden stands there, one arm against the door frame, head hanging low.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen? Is Mads okay?” I ask, the questions coming out rapid-fire, leaving no chance for him to respond.
He looks up at me, eyes glistening. He sighs heavily before speaking. “We gotta talk, man.”
My mouth opens, but no sound comes out. My chest tightens. My heart starts pounding like a drum. I step to the side, letting him come into the apartment.
The silence is deafening. I wait to see what he has to say, but he doesn’t start talking. Instead, he goes to my kitchen, grabbing two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.
“You’re gonna wanna sit for this conversation.”
Fuck.
I drop to the couch, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. I watch in silence while he sits across from me, pours two fingers into each glass, and slides one across the table to me.
I drink it down quickly, slamming it back to the table. He shakes his head but pours another.
“Please tell me she’s okay. I know she got discharged, but they couldn’t tell me anything else.”
Holden scrubs his hand down his face, muttering something under his breath before looking at me somberly.
“Physically, she’s mostly alright. A few bumps and bruises. Her head though, she’s a mess.”
“Damn it. It’s my fault she ended up in the hospital.”
“Jax, it was an accident. You can’t blame yourself.”
“I can—I do. The whole night was one bad fucking thing after the other. Going to the party, arguing with her, the accident. It wasn’t supposed to go down like that. And now she won’t even talk to me? What the hell am I supposed to do, man? I don’t understand why she’s shutting me out.”
“Fucking hell.” He leans forward, tugging on his hair as he shakes his head. “This is so fucked up.”
It dawns on me that he’s hesitating. Holden isn’t one to hold back, so something is going on that he knows I’m not going to like.
“What am I missing, bro? What aren’t you telling me?”
“Mads left town.”
“What the fuck do you mean she left town? Where did she go?”
“I can’t tell you. And before you go off half-cocked...I don’t agree with the way she’s handling this shit, you gotta know I don’t, but I promised her I wouldn’t tell you where she went, and I can’t break that promise.”
I bite my lip, holding back the angry words I want to speak. I nod instead, before I swallow another gulp of whiskey. My anger starts to override the sadness and confusion.
“Fair enough, man. I won’t ask you to break a promise to your sister, but honestly, what the hell? I’m at a fucking loss here. I feel like shit because she got hurt. It kills me, but her up and leaving town, shutting me out...isn’t that a bit drastic?”
“I told you her head’s all messed up. She’s not thinking clearly, making decisions based off emotions.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fuck. There’s more…”
He leaves the statement hanging for several seconds. I wait with bated breath. Holden sighs, leaning forward on his knees, hands clasped together. He looks me dead in the eye, ready to gauge my reaction.
“Madalyn was pregnant.”
My heart skips a solitary beat of happiness before turning to stone. The words he spoke roar in my ears.
Was. He said was.
I shoot up off of the couch and the glass in my hand flies toward the wall, shattering. Amber liquid drips down the white wall. Shards of glass scatter over the floor.
“NO! No, no, no, no. Fuck!”
I drop to the floor, burying my face in my hands…
And I cry. I cry in a way I’ve never cried before in my life.
I’m fucking wrecked.
Holden joins me on the floor, wrapping his arm around me, tugging my head to his chest.
“I’m so sorry, brother.”
I don’t respond to him. I couldn’t speak right now if I tried.
Madalyn was pregnant with my baby. I was going to be a father.
Oh...no. No, no, no, no, no.
I fucking killed my baby.
Guilt. So much fucking guilt.
I’m drowning in it.
I already felt guilty about the accident that caused Madalyn minor injuries, even though I wasn’t at fault. Some asshole decided to drink and drive, blew through a stop light and hit my truck. I thought they kept her in the hospital for so long because she hit her head pretty hard. I never expected...damn.
My mind is warring between misery, guilt, and anger.
Holden is still trying to calm me. I think he’s been talking this whole time, but I wasn’t hearing him. His voice finally penetrates my ears. I start hearing the words he’s speaking in clips and phrases.
“...was planning on telling you that night. Not feeling well...morning sickness.”
My tears slow and I look up at my friend.
“Why wouldn’t she let me in the hospital room? She should have told me about the baby, about losing the baby. I had a fucking right to know!”
The other emotions take a back burner as anger quickly takes over.
“I told her to tell you. We all did. You’re fucking right, you had the right to know. I didn’t want to be the one to break this news to you. Madalyn should have done it. But when she left without talking to you, I knew I had to. There’s no way I could keep this shit from you. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I killed our baby, Holden. It’s all my goddamn fault. No wonder she fucking left me.” I choke on a sob, tears starting again. The anger fades and the guilt begins to eat me alive.
“No, fuck that. Look—I love my sister, but this is not your fault. It was a fucking accident, Jax. A terrible, tragic fucking accident. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t go out that night with intentions of hurting anyone. You were out to have a good time and the unspeakable happened. That’s not on you. If you want to blame someone, blame the asshole that chose to get drunk and get behind the wheel. He’s the only one to blame.”
I look at my long-time friend, eyes full of tears. My voice cracks as I speak, “Then why’d she go? Why would she leave me to deal with this shit alone?”
“I wish I could answer that, but I can’t.”
I nod, taking a deep breath. The more I think about it, the more I fume. I start tugging at my hair.
“She isn’t the only one that lost something that night. That was my baby too!” I pick up the whiskey, taking a drink straight from the
bottle. “We lost our baby, Holden. Now I lost her, too. What the hell am I supposed to do? She’s my goddamn life!!”
He quickly stands, wrapping me in a hug again. I grasp handfuls of his shirt as the tears fall harder. I have absolutely zero control over my emotions. They’re changing so rapidly I can’t even keep up with how I feel.
I haven’t even had the chance to grieve the loss of the baby I’ll never get to hold, but now I have to mourn the loss of my girl, too. She should have just ripped my beating heart right out of my chest and taken it with her. It sure as fuck feels like she did.
Holden grabs the back of my head, lowering it to his shoulder. I can barely hear him speak over the pounding in my head and the sound of my sobs, but I do hear him.
“I’m sorry, brother. Truly. I don’t agree with the way she’s dealing with things. You don’t deserve this shit. I wish I could tell you everything, but that’s my baby sister and I made her a promise.”
I nod against his shoulder, before pulling away to look him in the eyes. “I should be pissed at you, but I get it. Family loyalty trumps friend loyalty.”
He scoffs. “You are family, but my sister comes first. Always.”
I take a deep breath, calming myself. My emotions are all over the fucking place. Crying isn’t something I do, ever. I lost my shit for a little bit, but I need to reel it in. Holden and I have been friends for too damn long for him to judge me, so at least it happened around someone I trust. I’m still so goddamn angry at her. I can’t believe she just left. But I love her too much to not give a damn.
“She’s okay though, right? I mean, obviously she’s not okay, but...fuck...you know what I mean. Can you at least tell me that?”
“She’s doing as good as she can be, but I also think she’s holding everything in. She’s cried. She’s grieving, like you, but there’s a lot she’s not saying—not willing to talk about. She came out of nowhere with this plan to leave town and was gone within a few hours of leaving the hospital. We’re all a little shocked.”
“Christ. If she would just fucking talk to me...I could get inside her head.”
He nods. “You’re the only one that could. I’m guessing that’s part of the reason she won’t talk to you. We tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn’t listen. Hell, Camille lit into her over her decision to shut you out. She still hasn’t talked to Mads since she stormed out of the hospital.”
“Fuck. Maybe she’ll eventually answer my calls and I can convince her to come home.”
His expression changes. There’s something he wants to say but won’t...or can’t.
A heavy sigh escapes me. “What now?”
“She left her phone at my parents’ place.”
I shake my head, letting out an incredulous laugh. “Of course, she did.”
I’m all out of words. The longer I talk to Holden, the more pissed off I get.
“I need to process this shit and figure out where to go from here. My whole fucking world just collapsed and I’m standing here in the rubble. I don’t know what the fuck to do with that.”
He pulls me in for a hug, slapping me on the back. “You’ll figure it out.” He releases me, sighing. “Do me a favor? Don’t let this shit come between us. I may not be able to tell you her secrets, but I’m still your friend. I’m still here if you need anything.”
“It’s all good, man. I’m not mad at you. I’m glad Mads has someone she can lean on and trust. Used to be me, but I guess everything has changed.”
I walk him to the door and by the time it shuts behind him, my hurt and anger have amplified. I’m barely holding it together, but I manage to make sure he’s really gone before I lose control.
The vase she kept by the front door is the first casualty of my rage. I pick it up, throwing it against the wall just to watch the glass shatter into pieces all over the floor. I don’t stop there, taking my anger out on whatever I can get my hands on. Picture frames. Books. Walls.
I make my way to the bedroom, stopping just inside the door. The whole room smells like her. Sweet, floral, a hint of vanilla. Gripping my hair in my fists, I let out a roar. I can’t believe she fucking left me. Without thinking, I swipe everything off the top of the dresser. Jewelry, perfume, pictures...none of this shit is important anymore. Why did she have to leave me with all of these reminders of her? Every single thing in this apartment is a reminder that she’s gone.
That thought leads me to the closet, ripping her clothes from the hangers. Such bullshit. I storm back through the apartment, heading for the living room. The bottle of whiskey calls my name. I don’t bother with a glass, taking a swig straight from the bottle again. I turn, taking in the damage I’ve left in my wake. A shattered picture on the floor captures my attention. My gorgeous girl and her heartbreaking smile. I bend, picking up the picture and shaking off the pieces of glass. Anger turns to tears.
I drop to the floor, leaning back against the couch. I don’t care that I’m sitting in broken glass. The ache in my chest overpowers everything else. It sinks in that she’s really gone. She really left me. I’m not sure how long I sit there, picture in one hand, bottle of whiskey in the other. Eventually, I pick myself up off the floor, somehow making it to the bed before I pass out.
We married in the small church where my parents, and my grandparents before them, were wed. It was important for me to follow that tradition—I couldn’t imagine getting married anywhere else.
Deep down, a piece of me broke as I made my way down the aisle to David. It felt like a betrayal to my past. To Jaxson. We always planned to get married there.
As I spoke my vows, my chest ached as I remembered everything I’ve lost. For a split second—a single moment—I thought I saw him at the back of the church, but as David and I were pronounced husband and wife, I looked back and he was nowhere to be found.
Oh, the dirty tricks my heart and head like to play.
I know now that I was a coward when I left Blackwood two years ago. I never faced Jaxson, the loss of our baby, or the sudden end of our relationship. I was selfish, scared, and weak. There was never any closure, for either of us.
I do have regrets. I owe him an explanation.
It’s something I should have done before the wedding, but it’s too late to worry about it now.
I’m officially married.
Madalyn Nova Williams. Well, as soon as the paperwork is done.
I’m a wife.
It almost doesn’t feel real.
Our ceremony was short and sweet. Afterward, we were driven to the historic Blackwood Bed & Breakfast for our outdoor barn reception in the carriage house pavilion. The event organizer and venue staff did an incredible job making sure everything was exactly how we wanted. A stunning mix of elegance and southern charm.
White tables and linens. Mason jar centerpieces with the same roses, lilies, and cherry blossoms as my bouquet. A million fairy lights. The entire space looked magical.
The night flew by so quickly, but it was everything I hoped it would be. Delicious food, all of my favorite songs, family, friends, and love. So much love.
It was the perfect beginning to the rest of my life.
We made the decision not to travel for our honeymoon, choosing instead, to spend a week right here at the Blackwood Bed & Breakfast. I’m looking forward to the next seven days of rest and relaxation.
No responsibilities. No worries. No stress.
Only me and my new husband.
After the usual wedding festivities, we say our goodbyes to everyone and head to our room, hand-in-hand. When we reach the door, David pulls me to him, scooping me up to carry me over the threshold. A small shriek of surprise escapes me and I laugh once I’m in his arms.
Neither of us has any interest in the room—our minds on something else entirely—so we don’t take the time to look around. There will be plenty of time for that later.
He lowers me to the floor, spinning me to face the king-sized bed. His fingers deftly undo the few buttons o
n the back of my dress before sliding the straps off my shoulders and down my arms. It drops to the floor, a puddle of organza and lace. I’m left standing mostly bare—only my heels and a white lace thong remain.
David steps up behind me, his thick erection pressing into the valley of my ass.
“Nothing more beautiful than that.” His voice thick with want.
Hands run down my sides to my hips, then slowly slide up my spine. Shivers course through my body.
“I’ve waited all night to get you out of that dress, wife.”
Looking back at him, I smirk. “And now you have.”
He growls, giving my ass a hard slap. “Bend over.”
I oblige, bending forward, resting my torso flat on the bed.
He drops to his knees behind me, kissing up the backs of my thighs before biting the cheek of my ass. I yelp.
I whimper as his hands move to my hips before slowly pulling my panties down my legs. I’m already drenched with desire. His fingers gently run the length of my pussy. Enough to tease, but not nearly enough to slake my need.
“Please, David.”
“Not yet,” is his only reply.
The tip of his finger circles my clit before gliding up through my slick arousal, stopping at my entrance.
“I’ll give you what you need, but first...tell me who this cunt belongs to.”
I’m momentarily stunned.
The sex between us has always been good, but I’m a bit surprised at the demand. Dirty talk and demands aren’t like David, but I’ve always gotten off on hot, dirty words from a gravelly voice, so I don’t protest. I give him the answer he obviously wants.
“Yours.”
“Mmm. Good girl. All mine. Every single inch of this body belongs to me now.”
I moan as he penetrates me with two fingers, sliding them in and out, fast and hard.
“More, please.” I practically beg him to give me what I need.
He removes his fingers, grabbing both cheeks in his hands to spread me wide before he leans forward, thrusting his tongue into me.