He squeezes my hand on his way to talk to his friend:
‘I promise that all the toppings on the secret pizza will be stuff you like. Trust me?’
‘Of course, this is why I am not ordering one. And if the worst comes to worst my boyfriends here will let me have some of their pizzas, right?’
Xander smirks and asks:
‘Who, the cavemen?’
Joel returns with a bowl of olives and a plate of bruschetta and we start munching on them until the pizzas arrive: Logan ordered pepperoni, Xander got ham and mushrooms and then the secret pizza, which Joel ordered as an extra large has chunks of hot dog and French fries on it and it’s drizzled with a bit of ketchup and mayo.
‘What in the world...?’
I start but Joel interrupts me.
‘I know, it looks super weird. But believe it or not, I had a pizza exactly like this one 3 years ago when I went to Italy for fashion week with mom. They call it American pizza there...’
I am shocked.
‘What do the Italians think we eat?’
Joel picks up a slice and offers it to me to bite into.
‘I know in theory it sounds gross but try it, you’ll be surprised.’
I bite into the pizza and... Oh sweet God! Joel is right, it’s absolutely divine, so I take a second bite.
‘Oh my god! Logan, Xander, you guys need to try this. It’s awesome!’
Joel looks really happy and we all appreciate the secret pizza so much that it’s all gone and the boys have barely touched the other pizzas.
‘We could take them with us, pizza for breakfast is one of my favourite things...’
Considers Joel and I look at him with a smile.
‘God help me, Joel but you are my culinary soul mate! Pizza is the best breakfast food in the world. I don’t even need to warm it up, if it’s not out of the fridge...’
He comes close to whisper in my ear, his warm breath tickling my skin:
‘I hope to show you that I am your soul mate in a lot of other things too, cupcake...’
I turn to look in his eyes and I am about to reply something when we get interrupted and a French manicured hand lands on Joel’s shoulder demanding his attention.
‘Hey, Jojo! Way to call when you promise to!’
It’s a skinny blonde girl with too much make up and wearing the shortest denim skirt I have ever seen with a little tank top that leaves most of her midriff exposed: she has a motif of lilies tattooed on her side which winds its way down on her skin and disappears down her hip.
Her blonde hair is styled in beach waves and she’s wearing a pair of huge hoop earrings.
Joel looks at her in surprise and opens his mouth to say something when the girl notices me and introduces herself.
‘Hey, I’m Brandi.’
She extends her hand and I shake it and introduce myself too, Joel looks at us horrified.
‘So, Jojo, can we make a date now? Since you don’t ever call back? My parents won’t be at the lake house until next weekend and then they’ll stay until after labour day, so we will lose the chance to use the house. Tatiana’s apartment is a bit too small for all of us...’
She looks at me and adds:
‘Of course you can bring your friend, she’s pretty enough. But I warn you, this time we have decided that we are going to choose locations rather than have a raffle. We’ll just have a random way to decide which order we get to pick. I really want to be the A-girl this time. Oh and you two are invited too, you are definitely hot, way better than your other friends. Jojo, these ones are definitely competition for you, this is why you keep them away, hm? Anyway, when should I expect you? Clary, of course try to understand that as the last one to join us, unless your two friends here come too, you might just have to be happy with hand stuff, this time...’
Joel closes his eyes, his face red but not with anger, it’s definitely humiliation and embarrassment.
‘Brandi, I... I won’t be coming over, ever again. I am sorry, would you also just tell Tatiana that I meant what I said yesterday? I am not doing that kind of stuff anymore and I’m with Clary, so...’
She forms a little O with her lips: they look really overly plump, Botox maybe?
Anyway, she looks surprised and a bit disappointed but then smiles at me.
‘Wow, you managed to get Jojo to actually date you? I thought he didn’t do any relationships. Well, respect girl! But Tatiana won’t be happy, Jojo. You know how into you she is, yesterday she was crying all afternoon that you were distant... Anyway, I must get going and if you change your mind, you have my number or you can just show up at the house... Toodles...’
She leaves with a little wave of her hand and we all stare at Joel.
He goes to pay for our dinner and then we all walk to the jeep in silence, our mood definitely way more somber than it was when we got to the restaurant.
This time Logan drives and Xander is sitting in the back with me while Joel rides shotgun.
We get out of town still in silence when Logan breaks the silence.
‘Ok, should we address the elephant in the car, so to speak? What’s an A-girl? And the random picking order? I know she must be talking about sex stuff but you have me positively confused...’
Xander shakes his head:
‘Yes, Jojo... Care to explain?’
He groans.
‘Guys, please, try to understand that this stuff she was talking about happened over a month ago, before Clary and all the other guests got here. I am so embarrassed, I...’
I sigh.
‘Joel, I get it. You decided you needed to change and whatever happened with Brandi and Tatiana, happened before that. You don’t have to tell if you don’t want to.’
He turns to look at me, his eyes inscrutable in the dark interior of the car.
‘Clary, guys, you have to understand that was rock bottom for me... This is why afterwards I stayed away from Tatiana and the other people involved. I wanted to forget I ever did that stuff... And I don’t want to tell you, I really don’t. But I know I have to because I need you to know how far down I had fallen and how what I feel for you, Clary, woke me up from that nightmare and showed me a way out when I was so lost that I didn’t think it would possible to ever come back from the darkness I was imprisoned into. I am not saying that I am saved or anything like that but Clary, being with you, even just as friends, makes me want to work on it, on finding my way back from a life that I knew was repugnant even while I was determined to continue with that behaviour. I need to tell you because if you accept me into your heart, I don’t want this to come back to haunt us and make you doubt that I am honest with you, that my heart is bare in front of you. I might have not got much to give but my heart is yours... Completely.’
He pauses for a moment, as if to find the courage to tell his story.
Xander intervenes.
‘Joel, bro... If you want to tell only Clary, Logan and I will understand and give you time...’
He laughs nervously and shakes his head.
‘I know Clary tells you two everything. I would hope to be in the same position if I ever became more than a friend to her. I wouldn’t be mad if she told you and you are my best friend and Logan... I trust you, dude. I am not saying this stuff to try and pull you on my side. If you were disgusted with me after you know, and above all if Clary wanted nothing to do with me, not even as friends, then I would have to deal with it. But I won’t lose my friends and the girl I care for because I lacked the courage to own up to my fucked up actions.’
I almost don’t want to know: the more he apologises for it, the more I am afraid that what he will say will close a door forever, that I won’t be able to look him in the eyes again.
But I also know that he’s right about the need to be completely open and honest with each other if this relationship is to have any chance. Not only with Joel but among us all and this is why earlier I had asked Austin to slow down, even knowing full well that it wouldn’t have gon
e down well with him.
If there are no secrets, if our feelings are shared honestly, we will be more vulnerable to each other but at the same time, we will be invincible against the outside world. After all, I think this is what love is: you give someone the power to make you happy but also to wound you mortally. Your trust is in the fact that they won’t and the risk of it is part of what makes it so beautiful and worth it if that promise to protect your heart is fulfilled.
‘Ok. I understand why you need to tell us. We are listening. Go on.’
And I am right to brace myself for his story.
‘So, yeah. I slept with Tatiana after trying to unsuccessfully end it with Hayley. It was a way to push her away and I admit I didn’t care much about Tatiana, she was just the first ok looking girl I laid eyes upon. When “cheating” -even though I never told Hayley that we were anything more than a casual hookup- didn’t push her away, I asked Hayley to sleep with Rob. She did it and I asked her to sleep with Justin and only after that when she saw me with Tatiana again, she had enough of me and stopped trying to make us into something we weren’t. But now I had a new problem: Tatiana wouldn’t take a hint that we weren’t dating. She kept coming here, calling reception, leaving messages with everyone. One night, I was out with Rob and Justin and of course she was there with her friends. Brandi you have met and her older sister Mandi was there too.
I had a few drinks and it was the first night of camp with guests. I saw you again, Clary. I saw how Xander was looking at you and how you went for a walk with Logan, holding hands. So I was in town with the intention to forget about what I wanted, because I knew I had to stay away from you. I am not saying this stuff to lessen my guilt, I own everything I did that night. I am telling you so you get what a twisted idiot I can be. Brandi invited us all to her parents lake house and once we got there, it was clear that the girls weren’t interested in Justin or Rob... They started arguing on who would go upstairs with me and I had an idea. I said I had time for all of them but that they had to make it worth my while and let my friends watch. I want you to know that by then, the girls had nothing to drink, one thing I never did was take advantage of a drunk girl. So I wrote down on three pieces of paper and asked each girl to pick one randomly. Tatiana got an A, Mandi got a V and Brandi got a M. And we begun...’
Xander covers his eyes with both his hands while Logan says:
‘Shit...’
I don’t understand and I say that much.
Joel sighs and continues:
‘I guess my humiliation must be complete. A was for ass, M was for mouth... Do you get it now? I had sex with all three of them, each girl had a designated location spelled by the letter where I would... And they agreed to let Justin and Rob watch. When I was done, I really felt...I don’t know. Angry and disgusted with myself, more than I had been feeling for the past few months. I knew that someone who was capable of doing what I had just done, would never be worthy of you, Clary. So I was about to leave when the girls started drinking and doing coke. I called a taxi back to Camp because I can’t handle seeing people using drugs. It’s what killed mom, so I can’t even... Anyway, they were all drunk, they started to complain and asking that I stay because they wanted to have round two... So I mixed those 3 cards, gave each girl a new one and told them to play with my friends because I was tired and I was going home...’
He runs a hand through his blonde hair and waits for any of us to say something.
I meet Logan’s eyes through the side mirror and Xander is looking at me too: I guess they are waiting for my reaction.
‘Joel...’
I say.
‘Clary, if you don’t want anything to do with me, I understand... I wouldn’t want anything to do with me...’
He bows his head, defeated.
‘Logan, stop the car, please...’
He does and I am about to open the door and get out when Xander stops me.
‘Clary, I don’t want you out of this car, not even for a second. Where are you trying to go?’
‘Well, if I can’t go to you, Joel, would you come sit here with me and Xander? Or you two swap places? Please?’
I look in Xander’s eyes, I know he wanted to sit near me but I need to be near Joel and he understands, he nods at me and opens the car door.
‘Come on, Joel, let’s swap.’
When the boys have swapped seats, I ask Logan:
‘Please drive slowly, I am not wearing my seatbelt and neither is Joel for a minute.’
Xander admonishes me:
‘Clary...’
I tell him it’s either that or we stay put and Logan starts driving really slowly and carefully, there’s no one on the road right now but us.
I scoot next to Joel and I repeat:
‘Joel... Look at me.’
His eyes meet mine, dark with pain and hesitation.
‘I don’t have anything to forgive, Joel. I didn’t know that guy you were talking about. I simply watched him from afar and I thought he was hot looking but I knew he didn’t even see me or knew I existed...’
‘Clary...’
I cup his jaw with my hand and force him to keep his eyes on mine.
‘You know what you did isn’t good or acceptable. And who am I to judge you? I kissed three boys, I kept it secret until that note forced me to come clean. Am I much better than you?’
‘Well you didn’t fuck them...’
‘You are right, I didn’t. And I guess we became more intimate once we decided to date properly and everything was out in the open. However, Joel, it’s what’s in your heart that counts. I knew kissing them all behind each other’s back was wrong. And the only thing that has saved me from a broken heart is how wonderful and forgiving and accepting and loving Xander and Logan are. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Austin but the point is: Joel, I am not mad at you. I’m your friend, I care about you. If you had messed with those girls once they were drunk, it would have been different but they went along with everything, they consented to it. Do I like what you did? No. I hate it but so do you! So, you want to change and you are trying and I care and I’m waiting for you to be on more solid ground. You promised me you wouldn’t kiss me until you were sure about your feelings and I promise I will wait for you and I will be honest about my own feelings.
I thought I was completely over my crush for you but I was kidding myself. Or better, my crush was only based on your looks, now I have a new crush for you: and I still find you attractive but I also like you. You are sweet, you care about me, you take care of me and order pizzas I love from secret menus, make me hot water bottles, give me advice... I love you as a friend and I am attracted to you. But I want you to be sure that I’m what you want. And that you can deal with those two other wonderful sexy guys on the front seats. And with my inexperience. I am no match for Lucy or Hayley or... You know what I mean, I don’t want you to get bored. Even because as it is, I am waiting before I go all the way with those hotties in the front. Can you handle it?’
He nods, his eyes full of tears of relief.
I climb on his lap and kiss his tears away, like he did earlier with me.
‘We really have to stop crying in each other’s arms, Joel. If we have to be more than friends one day, we need to start making each other happy. I’m happy that you care and you like me, it’s all I ever wanted...’
He hugs me real tight, I almost cry out but I relish the way he’s pressing me against him, I know that he needs to feel that I’m not going anywhere.
‘Thank you, Clary. My sweet cupcake...’
I kiss his cheek and drag my lips on his face, stopping at the corner of his mouth. Then I rest my head on his shoulder and inhale his clean scent of sunscreen and soap.
‘Thank you for trusting me and being truthful. I know this cost you a lot. Now that you know I am not mad at you, promise you’ll work on forgiving yourself.’
I stay on his lap for the rest of the car ride, his arms protectively around me, my head on his sho
ulder and his head resting on top of mine.
His story was upsetting but not because I judge him or the girls involved, only because I know that what he did made him ultimately unhappy.
Those girls? Have I got the right to judge them since I have actually had sex with 3 different guys? Yes, we didn’t have intercourse but in my eyes it’s still sex. The only difference is that I am in love with them and they are with me.
I think people have the right to do what they want with whoever they want as long as no one is forced or manipulated into things.
Joel made sure that none of them was drunk and for me that’s enough. Yes, maybe Tatiana was doing it to try and keep him interested and Joel knew but at the end of the day, he didn’t force her nor had promised anything to her. What I have a problem with is when he walked away and let them get drunk and high and set them up to do the same stuff with Rob and Justin. But Joel feels already bad enough and wants to change, so I am still not mad at him.
Jealous as hell maybe yes, in a similar way as how I felt last year and the one before when I saw him kissing other girls or leaving with them knowing he was taking them somewhere to be alone with them. I cried more than once because of how much I liked him and because he never noticed me or talked to me.
And now he wants me but I have to handle this thing not like a little girl with a crush. I have to be careful, I know I keep saying it but I have to get it into my head that if we rush things, we’ll all regret it.
We arrive back at camp and I tell the guys that I want to be with Xander tonight but first I need to go find Austin or I know I won’t be able to sleep, at all.
‘I understand, baby. And I’ll give you privacy but I am coming with you. You aren’t going alone. Is that ok?’
I agree and we set off after I hug Joel goodnight and kiss Logan with the promise of breakfast together tomorrow morning.
We knock on his cabin’s door but there’s no answer, so we head towards the common areas.
We find that at the arcade, the majority of the instructors and counsellors are playing beer pong.
I see Brie is there and she’s laughing, standing between Justin and Matt, I notice her eyes are shinier than normal and she looks a bit unsteady on her feet.
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 39