by Jill Cooper
“I think that’s just what we both need.” Donovan strokes my hand and we enjoy each other’s silent company for a few minutes.
We lay on his bed. I curl up on his chest and listen to the thump thump of his heart. It’s soothing, normal. His arm cradles me against him and he kisses the top of my head. When his finger accidentally bumps the port in the back of my head his face goes serious.
“How’d you do it, Montgomery? How’d you survive those two years before you fixed all of this? All alone and what that monster did to you.” He shakes his head and anger manifests on his face.
I lean up on my elbows to look at him. “A lot of things, but mainly you. I knew if I hung on long enough, eventually I’d get back. Fix things. I just had to figure out how.”
Donovan’s thumb traces my lip. “All of the pain, seeing your family like that, I can’t imagine what you went through.”
“You weren’t locked in a cage, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going through stuff, too Don. I know you’re in pain. A pain I can’t fix, even with time travel.”
“Being with you does make it better.” He strokes my hair back and pushes me towards him. “I shouldn’t have avoided you today like I did. I’m sorry.”
My eyes flutter closed as the heat between us builds. “You don’t need to--.” My words cut off as our lips meet frantic, hurried. Donovan’s hand pressed against my lower back and I fall even deeper into him.
Our hands clinging to one another, he rolls me over and pushes me softly down into his pillows. “If you want me to stop,” he whispers, his hands caressing my hips.
I lock my wrists behind his neck. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”
His eyes flood with love before we come together as the sun beginning to set on us and the city.
Miranda Montgomery
“I can’t do this. I just can’t.” I push up from the kitchen table and storm out into the living room, leaving Alicia and Jax gawking at me.
She follows me, but I have no patience for talking. I pace with my hands on my hips. Everything is being ripped away from me. My job, my license, and now this. “I won’t let him stay here under this roof. Not after everything he’s done.” When she gives me that lawyer look I snap. “I won’t!”
Alicia sighs and crosses her arms. “All right, it’s better you get it out here instead of in court.”
I fume and I stop pacing long enough to glare at her.
“It’ll look better to the court if you and Jax are unified. Living together. A married couple. Happy doesn’t have to be part of the equation.”
“Good.” I bark at her. “Because I can barely stand to look at him. What he did to me? Lara?”
John. God damn it, what he did to John. What I fell for. I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself for what I let happen to him. He was railroaded and I let it happen. I didn’t know, I couldn’t have guessed, but still felt like my fault.
“There must be something about him you can focus on. Something good. You married him. Had Mike and Molly. He even adopted Lara so I know there must be something good about him you can focus on.”
I rub my forehead and take a deep breath. “He loves the kids. Loves Lara. I don’t know how he could sit there and talk about how guilty John was--.”
“Not now, Miranda.” Alicia voice is hushed and she takes my hands. “Once Patricia’s court case is over, once your immunity deal is signed and in the books, then you can do what you need to do. But not before then. The jury likes easy. Clean.”
The idea of it makes my skin crawl, but I think of Lara. I think of how devastated she’d be if Patricia goes free. What Patricia would do to us. So I nod and let it all go, but I’ll be damned if Jax is going to share a bed with me again.
“You and Jax can work it out. You both want Patricia to pay for what she did to you, Lara and a host of others so let’s get you through the next few weeks. Then you can think about the future.”
“Thank you, Alicia.” I hug her. “I don’t know how we’d get through this without you.”
She smiles and it’s radiant. “That’s why you pay me the big bucks. Sleep well. Eat something yummy and filled with calories. Take care of yourself right now and damn the rest.” Alicia grabs her coat as she heads outside.
I close the door behind it and can feel I’m not alone. I hear the floorboards creek behind me. With a sigh I turn around and gaze straight into Jax’s puppy dog eyes.
“You can stay, but you’ll take the guest room. I’ll go with you to the twins show next week, but we’re not husband and wife anymore. No matter what the papers say.”
I storm past him and he grabs my arm. Spins me around. I clutch at his claws on me. “Let me go, Jax. Or I’ll scream, so help me God I will!”
“Miranda, I know what I did—.”
“Unforgiveable.” My eyes are wide and harsh. They condemn him. “What you did to John? You lied to me. Lied over and over. Every time we stood there and told Lara to give up on her pursuit to free John, you lied. You watched us suffer and did nothing.”
Saying it makes it worse. So much worse. Not only for John and what was once our family, but for Mike and Molly. The foundation of their lives built on nothing but lies. How can I ever make that up to them?
Jax’s face falls and his grip loosens on my arm. “I thought I was protecting you and Lara. If you knew what really happened, Patricia--.”
“Cop out.” I want to hurt him. I want to shove him, claw at him. Make him hurt like he’s hurt me. “You knew what would happen if John wasn’t arrested. If he went free. My God, I was ready to run off with him and Lara, start over. You couldn’t stomach that, could you? I left you to save my marriage and you just couldn’t take it. Rex trying to kill me was convenient for you.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not true. It wasn’t like that.”
I snort and cross my arms. “From where I’m standing that is very much what it was like. And I’m sure if we were to ask John—.”
“Don’t.” Jax’s tone warns me off. “Don’t pull him into our fight. You’re my wife. Not his.”
“Not anymore. You fixed that up real good, didn’t you?” I turn, so I don’t have to look at him anymore. “You better go get the twins. They’ll be out of school soon. Take them somewhere. Park. Ice cream. I don’t care where.”
“Miranda,” his voice is soft. “We can fix this. I love you and Lara. You know I do.”
I do know. That’s why I feel like my heart is breaking. I love him too, but I can’t say it. Can’t even look at him. All I am is betrayed. That’s all I can feel when I look at him, our wedding photos on the wall.
It’s over. He broke it all. Now I’m just a former scientist who is out of work and doesn’t know what to do next. I’ve never known what to do. John took care of me when we were married and when that fell apart, I had Jax.
Now I’m alone and somehow I need to stand on my own two feet. Lara and the twins need me to be strong, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be that again. In those early days when everyone was saying John hired someone to kill me, I had my mother. My family.
Everything’s been stripped away now and somehow I need to survive. I can’t let Lara see how destroyed I am. After everything she’s been through and seen, I need to take care of her. I need to protect her.
Jax goes to pick-up the twins and in those moments of solitude, I cry. My hand covers my mouth and my arm cradles my stomach. Everything hurts. The pain of another failed marriage, of losing Jax, is just too much. I never expected my life to go this way.
I was a one man type of girl and when I lost John—
The doorbell rings and I’m at once glad and horrified, like my private moments are disturbed. I wipe my face and fix my hair. I hope I look okay when I pull the door open.
And he’s there on the other side. In my most vulnerable I’m staring into the warm brown eyes of John Crane.
John Crane
Miranda’s been crying.
She covers it as she
invites me inside, but she can barely look me in the eye. Those instincts to ask her what’s wrong and offer her comfort are hard to ignore. But it’s been ten years since she’s been my wife. Being in prison makes everything seem like a distant memory, but at the same time it feels just like yesterday we were tucking our baby girl into bed.
Leaving it all behind is hard. Damn hard.
“You look nice.” Miranda busies herself with fluffing the toss pillows on the sofa. I guess that’s easier than dealing with me.
“I had a job interview. Nothing much, just data entry, but I can do that. Lara’s been teaching me how to use the latest computer stuff.”
Her eyes are wide with surprise. “Oh, well that’s great. I didn’t think you needed a job after the settlement. Ten years…”
Ten years of being in prison equals a lot of money from the government. “Yeah, but it’ll keep me busy. I don’t like to sit on my hands.”
“You never did.” She offers me a faint smile.
“Last night at the police station,” I take a deep breath and shove my hands down my pockets. “I was tired and alarmed. I shouldn’t have—well, if I came off angry, I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. I think we both had other things on our minds. Lara was okay last night? No, umm…of those nightmares?”
The nightmares. The screams Miranda told me about. I count myself lucky she hasn’t had them yet when she stays at my place. “She slept solid. I think she was so tired when we got back, she conked right out after her warm milk.”
Miranda’s eyes flash with nostalgia. “I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s you. Just you being around, I notice how calm she is. How much happier she is. I thought I helped her transition when you first went away, but,” Miranda gazes off toward the kitchen and emotion starts to bombard her face.
First it’s just a squint of the eyes, but then her lips turn down and her chin begins to warble. The adorable chin I used to kiss and still kiss right on Lara’s face. Miranda’s eyes are moist with tears even as she tries to blink them back, but it’s no use.
She’s in pain. A lot of pain.
I came here to have it out with her. Scream at her for everything she did to our family, but I can’t anymore. “Miranda,” her name comes out of my mouth almost like poetry. I stop short of rubbing her arm even though I want to touch her. Want to show her that part of me never really got over her.
“I’m sorry, John. It’s such a stupid little sentence, isn’t it? It can’t make up for what happened, but I am. I feel it so deep. I ruined you.”
Part of me wants to tell her it’s all right, but it’s not. Inside my heart is as broken as it was on those first days. “I was robbed of Lara’s childhood.”
Miranda’s lip quivers even as she stares right at me. “I’m sorry.” Her voice cracks.
“You stood with Jax in court ten years ago. You should have been standing with me.” The truth of my words pounds in my chest.
“I thought…”
“I know what you thought.” The worlds rumble out, tangled with anger and despair. “We’d been together since we were fifteen years old. All those years. All those memories, how could you think I’d want to hurt you? How!”
I grab her arms and I give her a shake.
Miranda dissolves into tears. Her eyes scrunch down into her nose and she sobs. I let her go and pace the room, running my hands through my hair. I need to calm down, count to ten. I promised myself I’d never lay a hand on her and I’m not going to break that promise now, no matter what she says.
No matter what she does.
“I was afraid.” Miranda’s voice of small. “I was so afraid it was true, that I couldn’t even begin to hope it wasn’t. Because if that hope was shattered, if I believed in you and then found out I was wrong, I wouldn’t…I couldn’t go on John.”
“So you gave up on me. On us?”
Miranda turns away. I don’t know if I’m glad that she can’t look at me anymore. I’m not sure I want to look at her either. All those times we had together, all those memories. It was ruined. A long time ago it was ruined, but I still cling to it like a kid and his favorite blanket.
I needed her and she just gave up.
“You never even tried.” I can’t help with whisper the words. The tears in my eyes threaten to consume me. “You just gave up and chose Jax. Gave him everything. Lara. And he knew.”
Miranda’s shoulders rock. “You think I don’t know that now? You think I don’t want him out of this house?” She turns and I see the anger in her eyes, but I also see adoration. I don’t know if it’s directed at me or that slime ball. “He ruined the best thing I ever had. He ruined us, John.”
I shake my head and hold my breath, my lips drawn together I waggle my finger at her. “You ruined it the second you slept with that snake. The second you let someone else into your heart. But I was willing to forgive you. Start over. That’s what I wanted.”
“Instead…” I shake my head and can’t go on. I think about how we packed up our tiny apartment and Miranda got a new job in Portland. We were moving that week that the shooter ruined my life.
Miranda left and tore Lara right away from me before I even saw the inside of a jail cell.
“I supported you. I worked while you went to college. I stayed home with Lara so you could have your fancy job and I never minded. Never!” I bark it at her and Miranda’s face crumbles. “How you could think what you did, it destroyed me.”
“I don’t know what else I can say.” Miranda studies the floor and her hand traces the back of the sofa.
“Nothing. I just…had to say my piece. I won’t say it again.”
She looks grateful. “It destroyed me too for a long time.”
But Jax put the pieces back together. I don’t say it, even though I want to. I’ve hurt her enough and I don’t want to do it anymore. “Can you have Lara call me after dinner? I want to tell her about the job.”
Miranda nods with a long breath. “Of course, John. Of course. Do you want some…tea?”
“I won’t stay. Jax will be home eventually, right? I rather not see him if I can help it.” I head toward the door.
She follows and pulls it open for me. “He won’t be here much longer. After the trial, he’s moving out. I’ve asked him for a divorce.”
If she thinks that makes it all better, it doesn’t. But I nod and hold onto the door frame with one hand, gazing down at her worn face. Miranda looks so tired. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is. It’s for the best.”
From the way she’s staring up at me, I know I have to go. Whatever she’s feeling, it isn’t real. She’s emotional. I’m emotional. So I tear myself away and head toward the subway platform.
Being free is nice, but it comes with its own set of challenges.
Lara Crane
I lay for what seems like hours in Donovan’s arms. He plays with my hair and kisses my nose. We talk and I giggle. It’s hard to remember a time when we were this happy or carefree, even if I know the moment will be fleeting.
When it gets close to dinner, I pull my hoodie back on and zip it up. “How do I look?”
Donovan leans on his elbow and gazes at me. “Beautiful.”
I swat at him and he pulls me close for another tender kiss. It’s these moments that give me strength and the courage to move on. “Pick me up for school tomorrow?”
He cups my face with his hands. “I won’t miss it for the world. This weekend I’m taking you hiking.”
Hiking. It’s so mundane, but it excites me. I can’t wait to do something mundane.
Donovan sees me outside and away from the prying eyes of his dad he plays with the belt hoops of my jeans and pulls me closer. My wrists rest on his hips, my fingers grazing against his skin under his shirt. “I really don’t want to say good-bye to you.” He whispers it as our lips pull at each other.
We settle into a nice rhythm and the kiss lasts for mere moments as my heart swells with love. “
Then let’s just say see you later.”
Donovan grins and wraps me in his strong arms. I rest my head against his chest and we gaze out into the city. The sky is blue, but orange streaks across the horizon. The sun is setting and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
In the quiet, I settle. “For two years I never got to see the sun. Never got to see the sunset.”
His head rests against mine. “Then you’ll never miss another one as far as I’m concerned. I’ll give you the world, Montgomery if you’ll let me.”
I’m pretty sure I’d love that.
But it’s time to go so I pull away from him, our fingers intertwined as far as the breath of our arms will take us. “Call me, okay?”
Donovan nods that he will. His smile is soft, but happy. I’m glad that when we’re together he can still find some happiness. With time, I hope we can put this all behind us.
With time.
****
When I get home, I can hear the clinking of dishes.
I guess I’m right on time.
“Hello?” I put my stuff down by the front door and head toward the dining room, but I never make it there.
There’s the stomping sound of little feet and I see the twins running toward me. Grinning, I squat down low with open arms and take the little monster’s attack hug full on. With an oof, I fall from the tackle.
The twins laugh and I tickle them both. Molly has a missing tooth that Mike doesn’t and the locket I gave her swing from her neck. I hug them both, really enjoying this part of the day. I enjoy it every day and it’ll be sad when they no longer race for me when I come home.
They’re six now. How much longer can they adore their big sister so much? How much longer can I hide what a mess and a screw up I am?