“Had I been drinking?”
She laughed as they stepped into the cozy den. “What took you so long to get back in here?” Stan asked with a wink. He stood and went to the bar. “Anyone for some Merlot while we wait for Jillian?”
“I’m in,” Paige responded, reaching for the glass Stan held out.
“I get the next glass,” Jillian said, coming into the room.
“No, you don’t,” Stan said. “You’re nursing.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “His pediatrician said a little wine would help his colic. Now give me my wine.”
With a shrug, Stan poured more glasses of wine and gave one to his wife. Justin grabbed one up, and Stan handed a glass to Claire. She shook her head. “Not tonight, but thanks.”
Arching his brows, Stan offered the glass to Sam as all eyes turned toward Claire.
Jillian squealed. “Does this mean what I think?”
Sam wrapped an arm around Claire’s shoulders and grinned like he’d just won the lottery. “I just found out,” Claire said. “I was going to wait to announce it, but I’m too excited to keep this a secret.”
“We’re both over-the-moon thrilled,” Sam said, giving his fiancé a kiss. We’re moving the wedding up though.”
“Here, here,” Stan said, raising his glass of wine. “Parenthood is the best thing that’s ever happened to Jillian and me. And the most exhausting,” he tacked on.
Jillian slapped his arm. “Don’t scare them, honey. I’m so excited for you two,” she said, stepping over and embracing her sister. “You’ll be a fabulous mom, and Sam will be a fabulous father.” She wiped a tear away. “Sorry. This is important stuff. I wish Mom was here.”
“Me too,” Claire said, her smile fading. “We told Dad and Dottie before coming over.”
“You dirty rat,” Jillian said, giving her sister another hug. “You should have told me first. How far along are you?”
“Three months. Come the end of January, there will be another little Coleman grandbaby to welcome into the world.” Her smile faded on a sigh. “You suppose Mom knows?”
“I know she does,” Jillian answered. “I’ll tell you why over dinner.”
Paige watched the celebration, taking note that Justin was being unusually quiet. This news was exactly what he wanted for himself, Paige thought, sadness seeping through her.
“Congratulations, Claire and Sam,” she said, forcing a cheerfulness she didn’t quite feel. “If you want to go the midwife route, you know where to find me.”
“Paige is the best,” Justin said, taking her hand. “She can even deliver your baby in the woods without breaking a sweat.”
Everyone laughed. “I’m definitely using you,” Claire said. “Jillian’s already been singing your praises.”
The sound of Jaxon’s cries broke through the celebration and Jillian grabbed Stan’s arm. “We’d better make our escape before Justin and Paige change their minds.”
With a flurry of activity and more congratulatory remarks, the two couples left the house.
“Wow,” Justin said after they’d gone. “I wasn’t expecting that so soon. I’m sure Dad’s thrilled.”
Paige had to clear her throat to speak. “I’m sure he and Dottie both are.” Would they also be thrilled at some point to hear about an adoption? More importantly, would Justin ever go for that?
Jaxon’s cries stopped and she was almost sorry. Right now, dealing with a fussy baby might be a good distraction.
Justin led her over to the couch and they got comfortable. “Let’s hope he stays asleep for at least a little while. Jillian left a few bottles of breast milk in the refrigerator, so I guess I can’t mess up mixing formula.”
“I’m glad she’s nursing him. It’s good for him. But nursing’s not for everyone,” she added, feeling sad that she would never nurse a baby. She took a sip of wine. “Looks like you’ll be getting double uncle time before long.”
“Looks like.” He took her hand and played with her fingers. “Does this make you sad?”
She shook her head, then decided not to lie. “A little,” she admitted. “I cry almost every time I deliver a baby,” she added, surprised by her admission. “Does it make you sad? You were awfully quiet.”
He stared at their clasped hands. “I’d be lying if I said no.”
Even though she’d known that would be his answer, it still hit her hard. Being with a woman who could never have a child stole Justin’s life-long dream of fathering children and raising his kids in a close-knit family like he’d grown up in.
Jaxon’s cries started again. “I’ll get him,” Justin said, hurrying out of the den.
Paige went into the kitchen and heated a bottle of breast milk. By the time Justin walked into the kitchen with Jaxon, it was ready. She handed the warm bottle to him. “Let’s go sit on the couch together and snuggle this fussy guy,” Justin suggested. The moment Justin sat down and stuck the bottle nipple in Jaxon’s mouth he quit screaming and sucked greedily. “See, little man, Uncle Justin will take care of you.”
“You act like you’ve done this before.” Paige stroked the downy blond hair on Jaxon’s head.
“I come by sometimes to see him. Jillian enjoys the break, and I enjoy giving it to her.”
A few minutes later, he pulled the nipple from Jaxon’s mouth and settled him on his shoulder, where he’d already placed a burp rag, and rubbed his back. “No fussing,” Justin said when Jaxon began to cry again. “You get the rest of your milk, but first you gotta burp. Someday you’ll think burping is pretty cool.” He glanced at Paige. “It’s a guy thing.”
She arched her brows. “I gathered. It’s certainly not a girl thing.”
He grinned as Jaxon let out a huge belch. “I believe he’s got it. We’ve been working on this,” he added with a wink.
Paige knew Justin was trying his best to not show how much it hurt him that they could never have a child, but she could still see the pain in his eyes—eyes that usually sparkled with mischief but now looked flat. And suddenly she realized what had been missing between them this last week. The sparkle of mischief that usually danced in Justin’s eyes, the sparkle that set him apart from so many others.
Yes, he still looked at her with love and hunger, but the spark in his eyes was gone. Being with her and not being able to have the family he’d always wanted would never be enough for him.
Her heart squeezed because she also knew being with Justin when he was no longer truly happy would never be enough for her either.
For the first time in her life, she knew she deserved a man who could accept her flaws and imperfections and still love her with his whole heart and want to create a wonderful life with her.
And, as much as it hurt to admit, Justin obviously wasn’t the man who could do that.
* * *
Justin pulled up in front of Paige’s house and sucked in a long breath. He hadn’t come by to see her in a few days, and he wasn’t sure why. But he did know one thing: their relationship, while still good, wasn’t the same as it had been before he’d found out she could not have children. He was ashamed of his reaction, but he couldn’t stop worrying that if he married Paige and never had his own children, he would feel incomplete.
He rubbed his forehead, wishing his nagging headache would go away, but doubted it would until he’d figured out some way to make this work. He supposed they could adopt, but it wouldn’t be the same. He wanted to pass down the Coleman legacy. He’d especially wanted that since his mom had died.
There was no doubt in his heart that he was crazy about Paige, but he could hardly stand the thought of giving up his dream of having a family.
He pulled the keys out of the ignition, got out of the car and headed up Paige’s sidewalk. She opened her door before he had a chance to ring the bell. She wore frayed jeans and a scoop-neck yellow top, her feet bare. His man parts quickly tamped down his worry, and he pulled her against him and leaned in to kiss her.
She moved away afte
r barely touching his lips, and worry surged through him. “Would you like a glass of wine?” she asked.
He shook his head and took her hand, leading her to the couch. Sitting, he pulled her down beside him. “Things haven’t been quite the same with us lately. I know part of that’s my fault, and I’m sorry. Tell me what’s eating at you,” he said, knowing he needed to talk through this as much, if not more, than she did. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to explain what he’d been feeling. Maybe if she opened up first, he’d figure out his part of this mess. He knew they needed to get all the cards out on the table, if they had a chance to work through this.
She crossed her arms in front of her waist—not a good sign. “I need to tell you something, Justin. This is very difficult for me, but I can’t put it off any longer.”
His heart hammered against his rib cage like an angry woodpecker, but anger was the last thing he felt. Fear was more like it. He nodded for her to continue.
“You’ve been a little withdrawn since you found out I can’t have children. In fact, much of the time you seem sad, and I hate that I caused that. The thing is, Justin, I love you. I really do, but…” Her voice hitched.
“I love you, too, Paige.” He took her hand, which was cold and clammy. “I’ll be fine. I just need a little more time to wrap my mind around our situation.”
She shook her head. “I wish that were true, but this goes a lot deeper than ‘just needing more time.’”
He drew back, dread spreading through him like spilled oil. “What do you mean?”
“I cannot give you what you want most in life, so there’s no way you and I can work things out. The bottom line is, you want biological children more than you want me.”
“That’s not true,” he protested, even though a part of him feared she might be right. “You mean the world to me. I love you, Paige.”
She pulled her hand free. “I don’t doubt that you love me, but it’s not enough. If I’ve learned anything with all the new revelations about my father, I’ve learned that I deserve more than I’ve ever been given by a man. I deserve to be a top priority for once in my life.”
“You are a top priority. I would give my life for you. How can you possibly doubt how important you are to me?”
“Because you can’t give me your whole heart,” she answered softly. She held up a hand when he started to protest. “We both know that’s true.”
Justin wanted to argue with her, but his mind whirled with rebuttals so fast the words spun away before he could grab them and form a coherent sentence. “Don’t do this, Paige. I’ve never felt this way before. You and I belong together.”
“I thought so too, but that was before…” She glanced away, not completing her sentence.
“Before what?” he asked, not able to keep the frustration out of his voice.
“Before you found out I couldn’t give you what you wanted the most in your life. A Coleman baby.”
He cleared his throat, ready to throw all his cards out on the table and knowing on a deep level he should have done that way before now. “There are other ways to have children, you know.”
“Of course, I know,” she said, sounding defeated.
Her reaction took him back, but he forced himself to continue. “Have you thought about going the surrogacy route?” She didn’t respond. “Or adoption,” he tacked on, not liking the look on her face.
“I don’t see that working.”
“I don’t get that. If we found a surrogate, we could have our own baby.”
“I can’t talk about this anymore,” she said, shaking her head.
“Why not? Don’t you care enough about us to explore our options?”
“I care. Probably way more than you realize, but this is complicated for me.” She stared down at her lap, fiddling with the tie on her robe.
“It doesn’t have to be complicated, Paige. Couples do it all the time.”
“I’ll think about it,” she said, still not looking at him.
Why in the world wasn’t she open to this? Justin thought, panic racing through him. He put his hands on her shoulders, turned her toward him, and leaned his forehead on hers, breathing in her sweet, familiar scent and finding comfort in it, even as stunned as he was at her less-than-enthusiastic response.
She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m really tired, Justin. Please go, before we hurt each other even more.”
He didn’t want to go. He desperately wanted to somehow make this work. And, dammit, he also needed to understand why she hadn’t jumped at his suggestion. “Have you decided you don’t love me?” he asked, bracing himself for her answer.
She shook her head. “No. That’s not it. I can’t explain my reaction, except to say it doesn’t feel right to me.”
“For crying out loud, Paige. We could have our own baby.”
She refused to look at him. “I know, and I should be thrilled you suggested it. But right now, I don’t feel much of anything.”
He scowled and dropped his hands away from her. “Feels to me like you’d just as soon I leave.”
“I don’t know what else to say, Justin. I’m not ready for this talk, because I don’t understand my own feelings.”
“And when do you think you might be ready?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even.
“I can’t answer that.” She gave him a blank stare.
His mind froze and he could barely think as anger burst through him. Nothing he did seemed right with Paige, at least not tonight. He wanted to discuss options. Why didn’t she? It made no sense. And it made him angry. “I think I’d best get out of here before we say things we can’t take back. I’m willing to do anything to make this work with you, but you don’t seem willing to even discuss our options.” Just saying those words churned his anger to the boiling point. “Tell ya what. Call me if you ever figure out why you refuse to even talk about this, Paige, but I won’t be calling you.” He shoved off the couch and let himself out, walking away from the only woman who had ever stolen his heart. And the only woman who’d ever crushed it.
* * *
Paige gathered her purse from her desk drawer and stood. Time to go home and relax. It had been a long few weeks, but she finally had a weekend when she wasn’t on call, and she needed it. She hadn’t slept well since her and Justin’s argument, and she planned on catching up on much-needed sleep this weekend. She hoped the nightmares she’d been having would go away so that could happen.
She felt horrible about how she’d reacted to Justin’s suggestion of a surrogate, but his suggestion had sent a spiral of fear through her, and she hadn’t been able to shake it. For some reason, the stark reality of becoming a mother had terrified her. What if she was a lousy mother? Or didn’t bond with the baby, and then do damage to her child like her father had done to her.
Intellectually, she knew her worries made no sense. She understood her father was the one damaged, but a tiny part of her still wondered if maybe she had done something to drive him away. The possibility that she might have inherited some of her father’s genes and not have it in her to be a good mother stole her breath. She could not—would not—take that risk.
She headed for her office door, but before she reached it, Tiffany waltzed in. “You and I are having dinner and drinks at my house tonight and no arguing. You’re about to become a zombie, and I’m doing an intervention.”
Paige held up a hand, palm out. “No lectures. I’m coping the best I can, and the fact that I’m still standing is good enough for me right now.”
Tiffany scowled. “I never lecture. I just give friendly shoves to help you out of your self-made ruts.”
“Is that what it’s called?” Paige cocked her head at her friend.
“Sounded good to me,” Tiffany said with a shrug. “Now let’s go. I’m making soufflé tonight and we are going to gorge ourselves.”
“You talked me into it,” Paige responded even though she’d rather be by herself, and she didn’t feel like eating. “Lead the way.
I’m right behind you.”
A few minutes later, she pulled into Tiffany’s drive and got out, following her friend through the back door. “Your place is always so inviting, Tiff. I should get some decorating tips from you.” Paige ran her hand over the kitchen’s brown, marbled granite countertop. A decorative pottery bowl filled with an assortment of fresh fruit sat on the glistening counter.
She glanced around the modernized kitchen, amazed at what Tiffany had pulled off with this 1930s home. As tired as she was, she was almost glad she hadn’t gone home, where she’d sit by herself and try and figure out why Justin’s suggestion of surrogacy had plunged her into deep turmoil. The man must think she was a tad unbalanced. And, quite frankly, she wouldn’t blame him. In fact, there were days she sometimes wondered the same thing.
Tiffany dropped her purse on the counter and pulled out a carton of eggs, some cheese and several bowls of already-chopped veggies. “Grab that bottle of wine and open it. The wine glasses are in the cabinet beside the fridge. The bottle opener is in the middle drawer under the microwave.”
Paige pulled down two crystal wine goblets, grabbed the bottle opener, and then popped the cork on the chardonnay. She poured each glass half full and handed one to Tiffany, then took several sips of hers.
“Want to tell me what’s been bothering you?” Tiffany asked as she whipped the egg whites until they were light and fluffy.
“You already know what’s bothering me.”
Tiffany gently stirred the egg whites into the mixture of veggies and cheese and then stuck the filled casserole dish into the oven. “I know some of it, but my gut tells me there’s more. You’ll feel better if you get it off your chest.”
“I doubt that.”
Tiffany sat on the bar stool next to her and took a sip of wine. “Spill. I might be able to help.”
Paige shook her head so vehemently she choked on her wine. After catching her breath, she stole a peek at Tiffany. “Thanks, but no thanks. I appreciate your offer though. Really.”
Tiffany’s gaze bore a hole in her, and Paige felt her defenses crumble. “Don’t you ever get tired of being pushy?”
Since I Found You (Crystal Springs Romances: The Wedding Chapel Book 2) Page 17