Kissing Frogs

by Kim Deister

  “Hands off, my lovely. You’ll wait until we sit down to eat. We’re not barbarians!”

  Grandma Fiona and her rules. Conversation required sitting at the table and that meant no taste testing until we all sat down. She was a bit of a contradiction, my grandmother. In some ways, she was very formal with her rules. In other ways, she was about as far from formal as possible.

  Her current outfit proved that. She firmly believed that there was no such thing as dressing for one’s age. Today she wore an oversized hoodie with the New York Rangers logo on it, "borrowed" from me last season while watching a game at my house. With it, she wore a pair of black leggings with skulls all over them, also “borrowed” from my dresser. Her long hair was white except for a single, bright blue stripe, twisted into a big messy bun that was pierced with two silver, lethal-looking chopsticks. A silver ring was threaded through her left nostril, the twin to my own. On her feet, she wore a pair of fuzzy slippers that resembled the heads of decapitated yetis. She didn't look like a grandmother and I loved her for it.

  “So, are you going to stare at me, or are you going to introduce me to this sinfully lovely man standing behind you?” She brandished a spoon in one hand, gesturing wildly and somewhat dangerously as she spoke.

  Oh, boy… “I didn’t figure it was necessary after you attacked him on the porch,” I retorted. My wit was rewarded with a hearty smack on the butt with the spoon.

  “Ouch! Fine, fine. No need to get violent,” I grumbled while rubbing my butt. I glared at her and got nothing but an impatient nod in return. I huffed and did her bidding. “Grandma Fi, this is Finneas O’Malley. Finn, this is my grandmother, Fiona Flanagan. Don’t piss her off or she’ll whack you with a spoon, too.” That earned me a another smack when I wasn’t smart enough to move out of range.

  I felt Finn’s hand on the small of my back as he moved around me to stand in front of Grandma Fi. He scooped up her hand in his and bent down, placing a courtly kiss on it. I barely managed to stop my eyes from rolling. Oh, God. He’s laying it on thick! The man is good. My grandmother caught my eye over his head and gave me a wicked wink. Oh, yeah, she was eating this up.

  “It is lovely to meet you, Mrs. Flanagan,” he said, laying on the Irish brogue.

  “Call me Grandma Fi,” her lilting voice responded with no small amount of flirtation.

  “As you wish.”

  Grandma Fi was in rare form today, even batting her eyelashes at him. When she caught me rolling my eyes, she slipped an arm behind Finn and flipped me off delicately. The snort that came out of me sounded too much like a farting cow. But it was the look on Finn’s face when he glanced back at me, horror mixed with concern, that really set me off.

  “Ignore her,” Grandma Fi told him as she dismissed me with a wave of her hand. “When she gets like this, it could be hours before she regains her sanity. She’ll be fine.”

  For some inexplicable reason, that made me laugh even harder. My grandmother wasn’t wrong. When I got infected with the giggles, there was no stopping me.

  “Alright, you rake, take a seat at the table,” she said to Finn. He glanced at me and gave me a wicked wink of his own. As he turned to pull out a chair for her, my grandmother reached out and smacked him on the ass. Her hand lingered a bit too long on the curve of his butt and I was sure there was squeezing involved. When Finn looked over at me with a look of amused shock, my suspicions were confirmed. My grandmother just grab-assed a pirate. The pair of them were unbelievable.

  My stomach was starting to burn with the laughter and by the time she finished feeling up Finn’s butt, I was half laughing, half crying with pain. She ignored me completely, but Finn glanced at me with worried amusement as he held the chair for her. He sat down across from her as she reached for a turnover. Much to my shame, I was like a dog wanting a treat when it came to her turnovers. Not even bothering to look at me, she held it up and waved it in my direction, taunting me with the smell of it until I came to my senses and stopped my hysterics.

  My butt barely brushed the seat of my chair before I reached for that tantalizing raspberry turnover and bit into it. The taste of the berries exploded on my tongue and I closed my eyes in delight. The sounds that came out of me were less like a farting cow and more like a bad porn track. I liked my food. It wasn’t just bagels that did it for me.

  She pushed a tiny dipping bowl of creamy dark chocolate toward me as she admonished me for my uncivilized behavior. "Little girl! Where are your manners? We serve the guests first in this house!” Another one of Grandma Fiona’s rules. I followed most of her rules, but I felt justified in breaking this one, at least this once.

  “My own grandmother smacked my boyfriend’s ass and had a healthy squeeze, too. Are you really going to deny me this? I should be allowed to drown my sorrows in raspberry turnovers.” I realized too late what I’d said. Boyfriend. I peeked at Finn and, judging by the cheesy look on his face, he heard my slip. I felt the blush as it creeped over my neck and face.

  “Pshaw,” she responded, waving another dismissive hand in my general direction. When she spoke again, it wasn’t to me, but to Finn. “She’s just jealous, you know. I have better luck with men.”

  I couldn’t deny this sad, but true statement and I didn’t even bother to try. Instead, I dipped the end of my turnover in my bowl of chocolate and ate it. I polished it off in less time than should have been possible and reached for another. I was famished. Who knew that such an active night could make me so hungry? I kept that particular thought to myself, however. My grandmother might actually have an answer to an otherwise purely rhetorical question and there were some things I didn’t need to know about her.

  I let out another healthy moan of almost orgasmic delight, eliciting a chuckle from Finn and eye rolls from my grandmother. “What? I can’t help it. Good food makes me happy. You should have heard Mac and I at the bagel place a few days ago. I’m pretty sure we turned on some college guys.” I let that sink in for a moment as I took another bite. “Speaking of which… Grandma Fi, have you talked to Mac lately?”

  “Why, yes, I did. I don’t know whether to throttle her for being stupid or be impressed that she kept such a secret.”

  “Tell me about it. Did she tell you we ran into Luke and Avalon while we were eating lunch?”

  “She did, and I wish I’d been there to see it. I would have liked to see the look on the bastard’s face when his plastic princess discovered what a rat he really is.”

  “Needless to say, my grandmother is not a huge fan of my ex-fiancé,” I explained wryly to Finn.

  “That’s because he’s a fucking bastard,” she said cheerfully. Hearing the F-bomb come out of my grandmother’s mouth threatened to turn me into a puddle of hysterical laughter all over again. A side glance to Finn showed me he was struggling just as much.

  Clearly unaffected by our distress, she changed the subject. “So, tell me, dear, how long has this lovely hunk of manliness been your boyfriend? Why did I not know of him before now? And have you slept with him yet?”

  The world stopped turning. I wanted nothing more than for the floor to open up beneath me and swallow me. Did she really just ask me if I’ve gotten naked and bumped uglies with him? In front of him? I heard bizarre noises coming from Finn, a strange combination of choking and laughter. I couldn’t even look in his direction. If she started with questions like this, I was in trouble.

  Grandma Fiona was not known for her filter, although she wasn’t usually quite this direct. She claimed it was a benefit of age, the ability to say and do whatever she wanted and to hell with the consequences. After all, she was an old lady and the elderly shouldn’t be held accountable. She was also full of it. Grandma Fi liked to use her age as a convenient excuse to be nosy. If pushed, age would also be her excuse for grabbing Finn’s ass. Of course, the ironic truth was that Finn was pushing two and a half centuries older than her.

  That was a sobering thought… I had gotten naked with the epitome of a senior citizen. It
was a little creepy if I thought too much about it. But when I looked at him, all thoughts of creepy fled my mind. Over three centuries old or not, Captain Finn was a near perfect specimen of man.

  “Well? It isn’t polite to keep an old lady waiting.” My grandmother’s voice pulled me back to the conversation. I took a deep breath before answering, trying to ready myself for the onslaught I was sure would follow. I felt the acid in my stomach churn.

  “Less than twenty-four hours. You didn’t know of him because I didn’t know he existed, which is a story in and of itself.” I twisted my hands as I spoke, pulling at my thumbs. I didn’t think I had ever been so nervous in my life. After another steadying breath, I continued. “And I refuse to answer the latter question. Besides, Grandma Fi, you know very well that I’m sweet and innocent and have never engaged in such activities.” This was accompanied by the most innocent expression I could conjure.

  The snort that emanated from her was less than ladylike, even worse than my cow-farting noise. She obviously didn't buy my claims of virginity and purity. I felt like I should be offended by her reaction, but it was best to just be amused. One never knew what else would come out of her mouth if challenged.

  “So, tell me, children, why are you here? I sensed a wee bit of urgency when you called me at the uncivilized hour that you did.”

  “It wasn’t that uncivilized. And can’t I visit without a reason?”

  “Of course, and you frequently do. But while I may be old, I'm not so old that I’ve lost my wits.Why would you come here when you have this at home?” She smiled wickedly at Finn before turning back to me. “Besides, the cards told me something is going on with you. I suspect it involves this rather attractive, blue-eyed man sitting next to you.”

  Poor Finn. Her compliments were putting his face in a constant state of red. Female attention was hardly a new thing for him, but I bet he wasn’t used to having it heaped upon him by randy older ladies.

  Grandma Fiona looked back and forth between us. She never missed a thing, but this visit was Finn’s idea and I had no idea where to start. So, I sat back and let him take the lead. As it turned out, my input and presence wasn’t needed. Finn spun his tale for her and she listened with rapt attention.

  Their conversation began in English, but that didn't last. It wasn’t long before it lapsed into something that fell somewhere between English and Irish. Soon it was just Irish and that left me completely incapable of following along. They talked and I contented myself with coffee and more turnovers, listening to their lilting voices. They were still talking when I ran out of turnovers, so I left them to it.

  I wandered out to the sun porch and curled up on the couch that rested against the stone wall. The glass ceiling curved into the walls, leaving a wide-open view of the river outside. Most of the time, at this time of year, the river would be full of speed boats and water skiers. But the day was so chilly that only a few fishing boats bobbed on the choppy water. This room was one of my favorite places to be, warm and cozy with a beautiful view.

  No sooner did I make myself comfortable than I heard the yawns of my grandmother’s three dogs. I glanced over as they rose with a stretch from their beds in the corner. Luna was with them and she looked even smaller as she stood in their gaggle. The first one up was the baby of the trio, a sweet yellow lab named Harper with more beauty than brains. She was still easily four times the size of my little girl. The middle child of the trio was also the biggest, a gorgeous Catahoula leopard hound named Ainé, not much older or smarter than Harper. The last one on her feet was the reigning queen of the trio. She was a sweet, chocolate-furred pit bull with a graying snout, not so aptly named Fluffy.

  Their nails clicked on the hardwood floor as they padded across the room towards me, Luna trotting behind them. Experience told me what was coming, so I shifted myself to accommodate the doggy love assault. I stretched out on the couch just in time. Ainé reached me first and sat down in front of me, staring at me with her mismatched eyes, one a beautiful honey-brown and the other glacial blue. She was a sweet-tempered and adorable dog, but Ainé suffered from two significant delusions. The first that she was a ninja, as she tried to “sneak” onto me. The second was that she was a lap dog, the fact that she was huge not registering with her. No one had ever accused her of being smart, just beautiful. Nor was she light. Once she cuddled up, there was little hope of getting her to move.

  Fluffy and Harper didn't bother with discretion. Harper jumped up, cuddled up to Ainé, and went right back to sleep. Fluffy, caring more about her own comfort than mine, curled herself into my arm and rested her head on my shoulder before settling in. Not to be left out, Luna hopped up and chose Ainé as her resting spot, curling up on top of her and resting her head on Ainé’s. I was nothing more than a dog mattress. Within seconds, it was a chorus of discordant dog snores. As they snoozed, I watched the boats outside and listened to the sounds of Irish brogue still coming from the kitchen. Soon, the musical lilt of their voices and the warmth of my furry friends lulled me to sleep.

  When I opened my eyes again, it was dusk outside. It wasn’t until I shivered that I realized three of my blanket dogs had deserted me. Instead, there were two sets of eyes looking down at me. The twinkling green eyes of my grandmother and the icy blue of my pirate.

  “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, and wipe the drool from your chin. We have things to talk about,” said Grandma Fiona with her usual cheekiness. She was a terrible wing woman sometimes. I saw Finn behind her trying to hide a smile, Luna perched in his arms. There was no point in trying to hide it, so I wiped at my mouth… and found nothing. I narrowed my eyes at her, but she didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. Her eyes twinkled as she tried and failed to hold back a giggle. The woman had more than a little of the devil in her.

  None too gracefully, I slid out from underneath the still sleeping Ainé and, in my effort not to disturb Her Highness, ended up on the floor on my hands and knees. She opened her blue eye and looked at me with disdain. I kissed the bridge of her nose in apology and, ever the lady, she accepted with a huff of contentment. Finn reached down and pulled me to my feet, giving me a kiss of my own on my nose.

  “Have a nice sleep, a ghrá? I imagine you needed it after last night. After all, you didn’t get much sleep, did you?” Fortunately for me, this last bit was whispered in my ear. If my grandmother had heard that, she would have jumped on it with her usual lack of discretion and tact. “Not that you are likely to get much more sleep tonight either.”

  A million X-rated thoughts raced through my mind in a millisecond. There might or might not have been silk scarves and food products involved. My face, and other parts of me, suddenly flushed and Finn flashed an evil grin. The man read me like a book. Pirates’ honor, my ass. I shoved him away with a glare that no one believed.

  “Enough, love birds. There will be time for that later,” she said with an evil grin of her own. She didn’t need to hear us to know that shenanigans were taking place. “Right now, I need to talk to my granddaughter. Ladies’ talk, pirate, so you stay here and make nice with the ladies while Cassidy and I talk. We’ll call you in when it is time to eat dinner.”

  Finn obliged and took my place on the couch, resting his long legs on top of Ainé and Harper, who had come trotting in behind him. Not wanting to be left out, Fluffy came out of nowhere and added herself to the pirate-dog pile. She snuffled a bit and rearranged herself until she was on top of him. One paw wrapped around his chest and her head tucked under his chin. Finn wrapped an arm around her and mumbled sweet nothings into her floppy ears. Not to be left out, Luna squirmed her way out of Finn’s arm and tucked back into her best friend Ainé’s side.

  I felt my heart surge as I looked down at them, pirate and dogs, cuddled together. There was something incredibly sexy about a badass-looking guy with babies and dogs. I didn’t know whether to drool or swoon. But the sappy moment was lost when my grandmother snorted and tugged me into the kitchen.

  I glanced at
the clock over the window and realized I’d slept far longer than I realized. It hadn't even been lunch time when I wandered out into the sun room and now it was pushing dinner time. My stomach growled when I smelled chili coming from the big crockpot on the counter. Grandma Fi made a mean chili, thick with beans, turkey, and jalapeños. I peered into the bread oven built into the side of the brick fireplace and found a pan of cornbread inside.

  “You’ve been busy in here. You should have woken me up so I could help.”

  “No need, my love. Your pirate was more than willing to help and let you sleep. He thought you needed it. He said you had a long day yesterday.”

  I felt my face burn again and I knew that Grandma Fi didn’t miss it. Her eyes twinkled as she smiled at me and I could only imagine what she was going to say. As prim and proper as she tried to pretend she was, she had a dirty mind to rival that of anyone a quarter her age.

  “Why are you blushing, dear? I imagine that all of this with your pirate was emotionally draining and exhausting. Whatever did you think I meant?” She didn’t fool me for a second. Her fluttering eyelashes were as believable as mine.

  I didn’t bother to answer her, other than to stick my tongue out. Encouraging her would only make it worse. Instead, I busied myself with lifting the lid of the crockpot and inhaling deeply. It smelled as perfect as it always did. Rich and strong with just the right amount of spice.

  “I must say, dear, I like your pirate very much.”

  “So, I suppose that means that you’ve accepted his story as truth?”

  “I have and so should you,” she said sternly, waggling a finger at me. I put my hands up in mock submission. “I realize that you can be the most cynical human being on Earth, but I think you know that you can trust him. Much like your grandfather, Finn has a kindness and gentleness that is belied by his looks. And that’s saying something because his looks are rather spectacular! Unlike your sister, I understand your love of the badder boys.”