by Paula Martin
Abbey ordered their drinks, and glanced around at the table where her mother was deep in conversation with Farrell, before turning back to her sister. “What’s it like to be in love, Louise?”
Louise’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow, what a question!”
“Give me a one sentence answer.”
“One sentence?” Louise blew out her cheeks, furrowed her brow, and nodded. “Okay, your heart seems to beat faster when you’re with him, you think about him all the time, and you want to be with him because you’re aware of a big gap in your life when you’re apart. How’s that for starters?”
Abbey laughed. “I think that was three sentences combined into one.”
“I assume you’re asking this because of Jack?”
Her cheeks burned. “Things changed last night, Lou.” She thought for a moment. “I changed. I stopped blaming him for what happened ten years ago.”
“That was one big step for you.”
“Yes, but I’m scared.”
“Of Jack?”
“No, of course not. It’s relationships that scare me. I couldn’t handle being let down or hurt.”
Louise’s features softened with compassion. “It’s a chance you have to take with any relationship, Abbs. Nothing comes with a no heartbreak guarantee. It may be easier to steer clear of emotional involvement, but then you’re also shutting yourself off from knowing the real happiness which could be the most wonderful and fulfilling experience of your life.”
Abbey stared at her sister. “That’s quite profound, Louise.”
Louise laughed. “I suppose I’ve had enough relationships to define my thoughts about them.”
“A lot more than I’ve had.”
“Yeah, I spent too many years searching for another father.”
“Whereas I’m wary about every man turning out to be like Dad.”
“You said it, sis.”
Abbey wrinkled her brow. “What happens if you’re not sure what you feel? If you’re physically attracted, but don’t know if you want it to go any further?”
“Any further? You mean, go to bed with him?”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” As she said it, a feathery sensation fluttered in her stomach.
“Stop fighting it, Abbs,” Louise said. “Admit you’re in love with him.”
“Even if I did, what difference will it make? He said he wants to tell me more about Rachel—which probably means he’s going to say he’s not ready for another relationship.”
“Not yet, but once he’s past his grieving, he will be ready.”
“And that’s the point where I’d run a mile, because it would get scary.”
“Not if you think about what Farrell said to me, about taking ownership of your life again.”
Abbey shrugged. “Okay.” She gave Louise a quick smile. “Come on, let’s take these drinks over.”
They returned to their seats and chatted generally for the rest of the evening. When they were leaving, Louise gave her a hug. “Take a chance, Abbey—and call me any time you want to talk.”
“I will. Thanks, Louise.”
Take a chance. It sounded so easy, until she equated it with standing on the edge of a precipice, wondering whether she should jump or whether she should rush back to the safety of the life she’d always known.
* * * * *
Jack had said he’d pick her up at seven on Sunday, and for half the afternoon, Abbey agonised about what to wear.
“Oh, for heavens’ sake,” she muttered irritably as she flicked through the clothes in her wardrobe. Why was it such a big deal? Jack had seen her in school uniform, in hiking gear, in scruffy jeans and teeshirts, even in sailing waterproofs and a huge life-jacket.
He’d also seen her dressed-up, albeit in teenage fashions. Tonight was different, but she had no idea where he was taking her. After changing her mind several times, she decided on her silky pearl grey dress, teaming it with a wide black belt and her black, red and white metallic beads. She took time with her hair, too, using her hot brush to put some order into her unruly natural waves.
When she went downstairs into the living room, her mother smiled. “You look nice, Abbey.”
“Thanks.”
“You and Jack—” Edwina hesitated.
“We’re going out for dinner. We’ve mended a few fences and we’re friends again. You’re okay with that, aren’t you?”
Edwina laughed. “Even if I wasn’t, you’d still do your own thing, Abbey. But yes, after what he said on Friday night, I’m more kindly disposed to him than I was. Just make sure he treats you right, otherwise this Mama Bear will sharpen her claws.”
“Mum, what went wrong between us ten years ago was as much my fault as his. I’ve admitted that now.” She sat down in the armchair across from her mother. “Can I ask you something? About Dad?”
Edwina raised her eyebrows. “What about him?”
She’d said the words on an impulse, and now had to think about what she wanted to ask. “Do you—I’m not sure how to say this—do you still resent him?”
Edwina puffed out her cheeks as she pondered the question. “I was angry about the problems I had so many times in getting any child support payments from him, and I was very angry at the way he abandoned you three girls. There may have been some resentment, but when he walked out, my main feeling was relief. I’d put up with his affairs for long enough.”
Abbey frowned. “Why did you stay with him once you knew about them?”
“I hoped he might grow up. Even though he was a successful financier, I realised after we’d been married for a couple of years that his self-esteem was non-existent. He wanted the best of both worlds, a wife and family to bolster his respectability, and the freedom to boost his ego by being seen around with pretty young things. When I eventually told him to choose, he wasn’t prepared to give up his freedom.”
“And conveniently forgot he’d ever had a wife and family.”
“Sadly, some men are like that.”
Abbey nodded, and leaned forward. “Look, tell me if I’m overstepping the line, but is it because of what Dad did that you’ve never married again?”
Edwina shook her head. “I don’t think so. When he first left, I’ll admit I had a fairly jaundiced view of men, so I wasn’t interested in finding anyone else. I had you three to look after, of course, and when we came up here, I worked part-time with the National Trust as well as helping your grandma in the shop. By the time she died and I took over the shop, I was involved in various other things—the Women’s Institute, the history society, the walking club, running evening classes in Coniston.” She chuckled. “No time for a man in my life.”
“What about now?”
“You mean would I consider marrying again? Well, I wouldn’t say no to Richard Gere, but I’m too set in my ways now.”
“So it’s not because of Dad?”
“No, that’s all in the past.” Her brow creased. “What’s brought all this on? Is it anything to do with Jack?”
“Not really.” Abbey gave a small embarrassed shrug. “Well, yes, in a way.”
“Abbey, most men aren’t as weak and self-serving as your father, you know.”
“I know. I have a lot of good men friends, and of course they’re not like Dad.” She balked at telling her mother her fears about relationships. “Oh, forget it,” she said and gave her mother a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Mum, I’m a big girl now, I can handle it.”
Even as she said it, her inner voice asked, Can you? If Jack told her he wasn’t ready for another relationship, part of her would feel relieved but another part would be disappointed. If he said he was ready, she didn’t know how she would react.
She went to the door when the knock came promptly at seven. As her eyes took in Jack’s grey chinos, pale blue open neck shirt, and navy jacket, a hundred butterflies fluttered in her stomach.
“You look stunning, Abbey,” he said.
“Thanks.” She grinned. “You don’t look too bad yourself.
Come and say hello to Mum. She was very impressed by what you said on Friday night.”
Edwina greeted him cordially, and they spent a few minutes talking about the Old School, and about his parents.
When a car horn tooted outside, Jack glanced at his watch. “That’ll be our taxi. We have a reservation for seven-thirty.”
“Where are we going?” Abbey asked as she followed him outside.
“Hillside Manor. Okay with you?”
“Mmm, yes, very nice, and somewhat more upmarket than the Sun Caff where we used to meet.”
Jack laughed. “We’ve both come a long way since then, but of course if you’d prefer the chip shop in Ambleside?”
“Well, if the food’s not up to much at the hotel, we can always call in there on our way home.” She grinned, knowing full well the restaurant at Hillside had featured in the Good Food Guide for as long as she could remember.
They talked casually on the fifteen minute drive to Grasmere, and she tried to ignore her nerve-igniting awareness of Jack’s nearness, intensified by the musky scent of his cologne, masculine and very sexy.
She was sure he was going to tell her his kiss on Friday night had been a mistake and was already steeling herself to accept that he wasn’t ready to move on after Rachel’s death, but it didn’t stop the warm tingle running through her each time his eyes met hers.
When they got out of the taxi, he put his hand on her back as he escorted her to the door of the hotel. Even that was enough to send a wave of heat through her.
They went into the spacious and elegant dining room and their waiter led them to a table near the large window which overlooked the gardens. Although it was dark, strategically placed lamps illuminated the evergreen shrubs and cast shadows across the neat lawns.
After they’d ordered, the waiter brought their wine. Jack held his glass toward her. “To us.”
As she clinked her glass against his, a small warning bell rang in her mind. She took a sip of her drink and tried to ignore her inner trembling. “You—you said you’d tell me about Rachel.”
“I did, didn’t I? But can we leave it until after we’ve eaten? I can’t tell you while we’re being interrupted with servers bringing food and double-checking that we’re enjoying our meals.”
Once they finished their meal, they took their drinks into the lounge where a pianist played quietly in one corner, and sank down on a dark leather couch.
“Okay, you want to know about Rachel,” Jack began.
“Only if you want to tell me.”
He took a gulp of his wine. “I’ve already told you she reminded me of you. Lively and vivacious, and very determined, too. When I first went to L.A., life was a ball for the first six months or so. We both took time out from working and did all kinds of crazy things, like you and I used to do. Sailing and hiking, surfing and rollerblading, celebrity spotting on Rodeo Drive, did the whole Disney thing, and even flew to Las Vegas for a long weekend.” He paused. “I proposed to her in Vegas. I was madly in love with her, or so I thought. We even talked about getting married in one of those chapels there, but she wanted a big wedding with all the trimmings. She had a list a mile long of people to invite.” He took a long drink. “I think that was when I started to realise she wasn’t you.”
While he was talking, a growing sense of disquiet built up inside Abbey. Not exactly jealousy, but more like a hollow feeling in her stomach at the thought of Jack having fun with Rachel, laughing and joking together. His final sentence startled her.
“Wh-what do you mean?” she stuttered.
* * * * *
Jack hesitated before replying. He wasn’t sure how much to tell her.
“To begin with, I thought Rachel was as single-minded as you, determined to succeed in a cut-throat profession, but her ambition went much further. There were times when I knew she employed some—I guess the best word is unethical—methods to obtain information. That made me uncomfortable, but she laughed it off and said it was what you had to do to get to the top. Once she decided to switch to entertainment journalism, things started to go badly wrong between us. It wasn’t my scene at all. I’ve always been far more interested in world-changing issues—global warming, environmental problems, famine, natural disasters, etcetera. During the next year, I landed various contracts—good ones where I had to travel to the Far East and Africa. Rachel became jealous, and I guess her bitterness ended up being directed at me.”
Abbey’s face creased in concern. “That must have been hard to take.”
“Yes, it was, but the resentment wasn’t all one-sided. When I was in L.A., she insisted we went to showbiz events and parties. She wanted to network with the people who could give her the juiciest gossip, and was forever trying to make contact with B-list celebrity wannabes who would feed her titbits about Hollywood scandals. I knew this wasn’t the life I wanted, and eventually I told her I intended to come back to England. That was the night she stalked out in a fury—and was killed.”
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard as he remembered again the fight they had that evening, and all the things he yelled at her. Opening his eyes again, he gave a helpless shrug. “And now I’m having problems coping with the guilt. If I hadn’t refused to go to the charity bash that night, I’d have been driving, and she would still be alive.”
“Jack, you can’t take all the blame,” Abbey said gently.
He turned to her and his voice choked. “I thought I was in love with her, but I fell out of love when—okay, I have to say it, when I realised she wasn’t you. I knew it was you I loved, and Rachel had been a substitute.”
The words slipped out, and he mentally kicked himself when he saw the shock register in her eyes. During the last two days, he’d told himself he needed to take things slowly but, sitting so close to her, with the fresh scent of her hair invading his nostrils and her beautiful green eyes gazing at him with such understanding and compassion, he knew he was more in love with her now than he’d ever been. And he wanted her, urgently and desperately. Wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her, trail his hands and mouth around every inch of her body, and make love to her.
Instinct told him unless he backtracked quickly, she’d put up that wall around herself again. “You seem surprised, but we both admitted the other night that there’s some chemistry between us, and it’s different from when we were in our teens, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but—” She struggled to find the words. “I told you on Friday night I was confused, and I still am.”
“Wasn’t that because you thought I was still in love with Rachel?”
“Partly. I was convinced you were going to tell me you weren’t ready for another relationship.”
“Was that what you wanted?”
“Yes—no—I mean, I would have understood, and I could have handled it. I wanted us to be friends again.”
His heart sank but he didn’t intend to give up. “And that’s all you want? Friendship? And yet the way you kissed me, even the way you’re looking at me now, says you want more than that.”
She gave him a half-smile. “Am I so transparent?”
Desire rose in him again as her eyes met his, questioning but still very uncertain. He slid his arm along the back of the couch but didn’t risk moving his hand to rest on her shoulder. “Only because I know you so well.”
“And you know I’m a bundle of insecurities and the reason for that.”
He nodded. Whatever else they managed to resolve, everything came back to her father and the devastating effect he’d had on her life. “You said you knew not all men were like your father.”
“Yes, I say the words, and I believe them, but there’s still a part of me—” She broke off and gazed into the middle distance. “Louise said something the other day that made me think. Farrell, her boyfriend, told her that once she forgave her father, she’d be able to move on and take ownership of her life again. She’s decided that what Dad did in the past isn’t going to affect the rest of her life, and she�
�s right, but I don’t know how to do it, and I’m so unsure about things, and scared, too.”
“Do you know what you’re scared of?”
She gave a short, brittle laugh. “Everything, I suppose. Relationships. Opening myself up to—to—”
“To love?” he prompted.
“I was going to say to hurt, and disappointment, and heartbreak. I’m not even sure what love means. Oh, I know I love my mother and my two sisters, but this is different.”
“Why?”
“Because it demands a commitment from me that I don’t know how to give. I’m not even sure I’m capable of giving it.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Not really.”
“What does that mean?”
“There was someone a few years ago, when I was in my final year at drama school. We dated for about six months, and I thought I was in love with him. He was funny and good company, and we worked well together in several productions.”
“Did you go to bed with him?”
She stiffened, and he waited for her to say it was none of his business. Instead, she grinned. “You always did come straight to the point, didn’t you, Jack? The short answer is yes, I did. A group of us went to Ibiza to celebrate after we finished drama school. Josh and I shared a room—and a bed,” she added, and shrugged. “It wasn’t what I’d call the best experience of my life.”
A painful jolt of jealousy shot through him, making him wish he hadn’t asked, but he still had to know. “Why not?”
Her cheeks coloured. “It didn’t do anything for me. You know, we read things about fireworks going off, the earth moving, and all that stuff, but I didn’t feel anything.”
He made up his mind that when they made love, he’d make damn sure those fireworks went off. “Did you carry on dating him?”
“By the end of the holiday, he decided he preferred one of my friends.”
He cringed. Another man letting her down.
She must have read his thoughts, because she laughed. “Oh, I didn’t go off into a drastic decline because he finished with me. Actually I was relieved, and then I got the Jane Eyre part, so all my time and energy went into that.”