Just One Song

by Lynn, Stacey

  Well, at least it’s Zack’s best tour.

  I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’ve been photographed and wasn’t even smart enough before agreeing to do this tour that I didn’t stop to think what could possibly happen. How did I not think about this? Of course there was a risk I’d be photographed if I was ever out in public. I collapse my head into the palm of my hands. I can’t believe I let this happen.

  And who the hell is Rachel?

  “Who’s Rachel?”

  First, Mia gives me a look like I’m stupid. “She’s a singer. A popstar – she just released her first record a year ago. She and Zack have had a…relationship….for the last year. I don’t think he’s seen her since the tour started though, and it was never anything serious from what I’ve read.”

  I flinch at the way she says relationship. They hooked up for sex, she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell me. I don’t even want to think about why I’m seething in jealousy at the mention of Zack sleeping with another woman right now.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this. One person, Mia. One person is all it’s going to take and everything is going to happen all over again.”

  Why did I ever think this was going to work? Zack and I are too completely different and there’s no way that I can be a part of his life. Not when I’m worried about my family being used as the poster example of the results of texting and driving. Not when the driver of the other car comes from such a prominent family. I knew going on this tour was going to be a disaster, I just never thought it would be about this.

  The door opens and Zack’s face instantly falls when he sees me. He looks like the complete rock star he is dressed in his black military boots, dark washed jeans with a chain draped across his belt and a grey t-shirt that fits his body, so completely perfectly. I move my eyes from his body. A stronger person may fake they’re okay and not let him see something is wrong, especially since he has to be on stage soon. I don’t know what time it is, but I know Mia was going to get here about an hour before the concert started, so it has to be close to time for the opening act to take the stage.

  “Are you okay?” Zack rushes over to me and I shake my head. I can’t speak because I have no idea what to say. Do I tell him? Do I leave now? Does it even matter, since I leave in ten days? “Tell me what’s going on, Nic.” He turns my chair so I’m facing him and squats down in between my knees so he’s at eye level with me.

  I vaguely hear Mia’s voice. Zack moves a hand from mine to the table but I stare down at my feet, not able to look at him.

  “She means nothing to me.”

  “It’s not that.” I choke out the words, barely audible. My throat feels completely raw. My eyes fill with tears immediately when I look at him.

  “Then tell me. Tell me what it is that has you so upset right now.”

  “It has to do with the accident.” I raise my eyes to his as tears start falling and take a deep breath. “The driver of the car that hit Mark and Andrew was the Governor of Minnesota’s daughter. She had just turned sixteen, and her mom wanted to spare her daughter any punishment so she lied and said she was driving the car instead.”

  I stop for a minute and close my eyes.

  “Once the local press found out she lied, the story went national for months.”

  I watch Zack shake his head. “I don’t understand what this has to do about the pictures; about us.” Us. I exhale at the thought. It’s the first time either of us has used that word like we’re an actual couple. My heart fills with pain hearing it now, when I’m so close to leaving, because I know I have to. There’s no future between Zack and I; not if I can’t get past this.

  “The media camped outside my house for months, Zack. Once I settled with the Governor and his family instead of sue, which I wasn’t going to, anyway; I was called every name you could think of. Some thought I took their money just to profit from their deaths. It was horrible.”

  I look at the picture of me gazing into his eyes on my laptop and almost start crying again. The photo shows exactly what I feel for him, what I started to feel for him the day he showed up at my condo and I deemed him worthy enough to hear my story.

  Love. I’m falling in love with this man in front of me; who lives a life that I don’t think I can be a part of.

  “I wasn’t allowed to mourn or grieve in private, Zack. Every movement I made was tracked and talked about. I don’t want to live like that.”

  I hear Mia gasp behind me. She knows exactly what I’m doing. I don’t know why she should be so surprised. She knows how much I’ve tried to protect my privacy, even using a false last name with my photography business.

  “What are you saying, Nic?” Zack stands up so I have to look up at him to face him. His arms are crossed defensively and his eyebrows are furrowed. I don’t want to face him. I want to dial back the time to before I ever stepped foot in Jack’s Bar and met him, or told Mia my desire to move on. Had I waited one more week, one more day, none of this would be happening.

  I wouldn’t be saying good-bye to the man I have just started falling in love with.

  “I need to go home.”

  Mia’s voice interrupts me. “Nic, you can’t. You don’t want to do this.”

  I ignore her. “If one single person leaks my name to the press; it will take one person to search my name and find everything they want about my family. I’m not going to go through it again, Zack.”

  His face looks tortured when he pulls me out of my chair towards him. “Let me help you. Don’t run away from me, not like this.”

  I wipe the tears away that have started falling again. “I’m not going to take the risk of my family’s pictures being spread all over the gossip magazines. I won’t have them becoming the poster family of the risks of texting while driving. And it’ll happen if I’m connected to you Zack. You’re too well-known for somebody to not run this story. I can’t risk it.” I wipe a tear away again. “I’m not strong enough.”

  His hands clasp my shoulders tightly as if he’s trying to freeze me to this exact spot forever. I don’t miss the hurt that’s flashing through his eyes, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

  “Then maybe I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. Maybe I just want to be normal again.” I press my hand against his cheek. “I’m sorry.” Because I am; I am so incredibly sorry that I’m leaving him. But I can’t think of a single way for this to work out right now.

  Right before he starts speaking, the door to the room opens and Jake walks in. I turn my head away so he can’t see my tears, but based on the thick air filling the room right now, I know he can sense something is going on. His voice is soft and worried when he says, “Zack, you need to get ready.”

  Zack shakes his head but doesn’t look at him. His darkened eyes are still focused solely on me. “I need some time.”

  “Zack.” It’s a warning.

  Zack’s head snaps towards him. “Five minutes, damn it.” He leaves without another word. “Damn it!” Zack growls it out. I know he’s frustrated. I can see he’s hurting and pissed, and I feel miserable knowing I’m the cause of it.

  “I need to go.” I move to take a step away from Zack but he pulls me back towards him.

  “Don’t do this, Nicole. We can figure it out. I promise.” I hate seeing the pain in his eyes. I hate knowing I’m doing this to him. I would love to stay. To just give in and curl into his arms and ignore it all, but I can’t. I don’t see another way.

  I shake my head. “Go give your concert, Zack. They need you.” I pull away from him and pick up my laptop practically sprinting out of the room. I don’t stop walking when he yells my name once I’m out of the room or when Mia chases me down the hall.

  She finally stops me at the doorway leaving the building. “Don’t do this, Nic. You know you’ll regret it if you leave him. I know everything is happening so fast, but take some time. Take a few hours and think about this. You’re crazy ab
out him. And anyone who sees the way he looks at you can see the same thing.”

  “I can’t Mia. You know how hard that was for me. I can’t go through it again!” I’m desperate for her to understand. She’s always been on my side with everything else that has happened. Why doesn’t she get this?

  Mia crosses her arms and purses her lips. “I think you’re more scared of a new relationship and you’re using this one picture as an excuse.”

  I stomp my foot and shake my head. “It’s not that. You know what happened. You know what will happen once my name gets out. For crying out loud, I had national reporters calling me! I don’t want to relive it, Mia.” I forcefully wipe away more tears with the back of my hand, desperate to get out of here.

  “I’ve seen you with Zack and I love seeing you smiling, laughing, and being ‘you’ again. It’s been almost a year and a half, Nic. I know there’s no time limit on grieving a spouse, but you’re certainly not rushing into anything here, and Zack’s a great guy.”

  “I know. I know he is, Mia. And…” I stop myself from confessing the realization I had earlier. If I tell her I’m falling in love with him she’ll never let me walk out the door. “I don’t see how this could possibly work out, anyway. I was going home in ten days. What sort of future is there with us living so far apart, such different lives?”

  “It’s whatever you make it. You’ve been through enough to know there aren’t any guarantees; even with someone living in the same town, or the same house as you.” I inhale sharply at her pointed words. Never has she been so blunt with me. “I’m not trying to hurt you. You’re my best friend and I love you. But I also don’t want to watch you run from something that’s really great, just because you’re afraid of something that hasn’t happened.”

  “Go watch the concert, Mia. I’m going to the bus. I just need to think. And pack.”

  She pulls my face towards her. “Think. But don’t pack. Not until you can talk to Zack.”

  I nod, but I do it only because I just need to be alone. I have to go home.

  Chapter Twelve

  I throw myself down on the bed as soon as I get back to the bus and sob until I have no tears left to shed. I am falling in love with Zack, and I’m leaving him. It sounds ridiculous and stupid to my own ears, but I know it’s the safest choice; the best choice for me. I’d lose him anyway, eventually.

  I have to go. But even while I think the words to myself, my heart is breaking in two. I never would have thought I’d be able to fall in love again. Even when I thought about dating, love had never entered my mind. Companionship, friendship, respect; absolutely, but never love. I have loved once. I had the pleasure of falling in love with one of the most amazing men I ever met when I was introduced to Mark. And now there’s Zack who’s been capturing my heart with every moment we spend together and I love him, in an entirely completely different way than I loved Mark. But it’s still there, and has been growing since I met him. If I hadn’t fallen in love with Mark at first sight, I wouldn’t even think it’s possible to have these emotions so quickly, and so deeply. But they’re here.

  And I’m walking away from it.

  I question briefly, if Mia is right. Am I running just because I’m afraid of a new relationship? I shake my head at myself in the bathroom as I pack up all my toiletries. That’s not it at all. I should have given more thought to what a relationship with Zack would mean before I ever stepped foot on this bus. If I would have been thinking clearly and not listening to Mia, I never would have come. And none of this would be happening.

  I jump when I hear the door to my room fly open and Zack walks in. Sweating, and panting. His hair is flying in a dozen directions and his eyes hold a feral look in them.

  “I’m not letting you walk away from me. Whatever you’re afraid of, whatever you’re scared to let go of; let me help you.” He stomps to me and pulls me into his arms before I can protest. I immediately breathe him in, loving the way the smell of sweat and his soap still lingers on him.

  “You can’t help this, Zack. This is your life and I don’t think I can be a part of it.”

  He pulls back from me but doesn’t let me go. “You already are. Me and you. I know you feel what’s going on between us. All the rest doesn’t matter.”

  Me and you. They flood my mind like a waterfall. Why couldn’t we have declared these things days ago? Would it change anything now? “You don’t understand…”

  “Then tell me. Tell me what it is that is so scary, so terrifying to you, that it’s more important than what you feel for me because I know you feel it.” He pulls me back to him, instantly pressing his lips to mine. His lips are warm and frenzied against mine, it’s the most forceful, passionate kiss we’ve shared yet and as much as I want to fight against it at first, my body betrays me and leans in, wanting it. Because I do want it. His lips move against mine, begging me to open for him, and when I do, a quiet moan escapes through the back of my throat. He pulls away, instantly stopping the kiss, leaving me completely breathless.

  “Tell me that when you’re this close to me, when you feel my heart beating in my chest and feel my arms wrapped around you that you don’t want me; that you’re not falling in love with me. Because I am, Nicole. I’m completely falling head over heels in love with you.”

  I freeze at his admission. He’s just admitted to me what I admitted to myself just hours earlier. I remind myself it’s not about loving him, it’s about living with his life.

  “I can’t live the rest of my life under scrutiny; being photographed for simply stepping out in public. How would this work, anyway? We live half a country away from one another and your gone most of the time anyway. What kind of relationship would we ever have?”

  I know some of this isn’t fair. I knew who he was and what he did when I decided to step on his tour bus. But I never thought it would get this far, that I would fall so deeply and madly in love with this man. He’s perfect; absolutely perfect and can so easily brush aside all the other things, but I can’t. I just can’t.

  “I can’t wake up every morning in fear that I’ll be on the front page of some paper again. That my name will be cursed through the blogosphere and I’ll be cut down by thousands, millions of women who want nothing more than to see me fall off the face of the earth.”

  “Stay. Please. We can figure the rest out.” His eyes are pleading with me. Begging me to change my mind, but I just can’t. My knees buckle at the word please. I want to give in. That one word has done me in so many times since I’ve met him. It’s the pleading to stay and make him happy that I want it so badly; to just be happy. But I don’t see how that can happen here. There’s no other way for this to end.

  I throw the last of my bathroom things in my bag, zip it close and carry it to the bed where my other bag is already packed. I glance out the window and see the cab that I called earlier, pull up.

  Slowly, I walk back to Zack, and with all the self-control I can muster, I rise up on my toes and plant one soft kiss on his cheek. He moves to reach me, but I move out of the way before he can.

  “Good-bye, Zack.” I grab my bags and walk out the door.

  “I’m only letting you walk out this door because I know you need to.” I pause and look back at him. His hands are at his sides, defeated. “I know you need to figure this shit out, but I also know that once you get over the shock of all this bullshit you’ll realize that’s all it is; bullshit. But whatever it is that’s started between us isn’t over. I won’t let it be.”

  I walk away without another word, simply because I have nothing to say to that and let the driver place my bags in the taxi. When I open the door, I brave one last glance back to the bus where Zack stands. His entire body is rigid as he leans against the doorframe. I get in the cab and close the door without even waving good-bye. The tears fall instantly and I place my hands in my face, sobbing the entire way to the airport.

  It’s not until the cab pulls out of the parking lot, the tour bus far behind me, that I reali
ze I never told him I loved him back. For the second time, someone has left my life without me being certain they knew how much they mean to me.

  By the time I get to the airport, I have two voicemails and ten missed text messages from Mia. I ignore them all. I’m sure she’s pissed that I ditched her at the concert when she flew in for the weekend to see me, although I have a strange feeling she’ll be just fine with Chase. I also know she’s more pissed I just walked out on Zack. I delete them all without reading or listening to them first and turn my phone off.

  I wipe away the tears that have started falling again and lean my head back against the headrest. One year, three months, three weeks and a day – I tried to live again, but I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.

  ***

  “You know you’re being completely stupid, right?” I roll my eyes for the hundredth time during the most frustrating dinner I’ve ever experienced with Mia. I’ve been home for three days and she just got back from her weekend in Philadelphia yesterday.

  “He loves you, Nic.”

  I set my glass of water down more forcefully than necessary and look around briefly to see if we’re causing yet another scene at a restaurant. This time we’re at a tapas restaurant around the corner from my place and I’m trying to enjoy a plate of calamari and southwestern rolls. They would be absolutely delicious if I could get rid of the large lump in my throat that’s been there ever since I stepped off the bus in Philly.

  “That’s not the point, Mia. We’ve been over this.”

  She sighs. “I know. I know we have, but he was miserable all weekend. He threatened to cancel the rest of the tour so he could see you.” I take a sip of my drink, pretending this doesn’t affect me. Unfortunately, it affects me more powerfully than I’m willing to admit, especially to Mia since she’s on a ‘fix Nicole’ rampage.

  “How’s Chase?” I desperately want to change the subject off of me and Zack right now. Mia and I have had the same conversation at least a dozen times since I left. Zack has called me and sent text messages multiple times a day. They are mostly innocent, ‘thinking of you’ and ‘have a good day’ type texts. I have deleted them all without responding, even though my finger hovers over the keyboard every single time, itching to type out that I love him, too.