They know you are here, but they most likely do not know that the whole Artifact can be jumped or capture a whole planet. Remember, we never told anyone about the artifacts ability. I think we will catch most, if not all of them, with their pants down.”
“OK! Shirley, let’s do it!” Peter said pumping a fist in the air.
But couldn’t they just manufacture the hyperspace sleep equipment from scrap lying around after? Monica asked
I can answer that. Ever been on a marine cruiser? They do not leave “scrap” lying about, everything is accounted for. We do have a major presence in every Nine Worlds system. Besides, even a Marine cruiser has only so many Medibot bays. There is no way, even if they had the materials to work the synthesizers, they could manufacture that many hyperspace kits quickly!” Oscar informed Peter happily.
“You may want to go back to the ship first, get your pills, and get hooked up—soon. I don’t know how long it takes to ramp up systems on this monster, but I say be ready within the next four hours.” Shirley said wryly, or we can ride the hyperspace jump out here.”
They threw back their drinks. Oscar went behind the bar grabbed a box and started loading up on some expensive bottles of liquor and ripping intoxicant patch’s off the wall dispenser to take with them. Peter glared at her.
“Hey!” Oscar said. “Waste not, want not! It’s for a victory celebration later, alright? Or if it looks like we are done for, I’m getting stinking wasted before they haul us all off in chains. Either way, I’m getting FUBAR, damn it! And I’m for the Incontinence myself. It’s comfortable-- this bar is just creepy” she said, eyeing the Wazzool and other stuffed animals on the wall.
Peter rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders, and gestured for her to hurry up.
Later, back at the ship finally. Peter and Monica stripped and gently put the catheters in the required places for each other as they prepared to lay down, Peter leaned in and kissed her. It was almost the most intimate moment they had ever shared. They knew the others body well by now and were nor shy. It was not sexy by any means, but it weirdly felt like an intimate moment to Peter.
“I could almost get to like this, you know,” Peter murmured in Monica’s ear.
“Really, Peter? Monica said with faint disgust. “Are you sick? Who likes pooing in a tube stuck up their butt?
“You can use the diaper, you know. I'd rather be sticking other things in intimate places, but I don't know-- this feels domestic almost.”
“This is a far cry from picking out curtains, Peter. Now go to sleep, you idiot.”
They did; instantly, with the help of the sleep induction caps.
~
They woke to the sight of Shirley's drones tucking away the needles used to inject the crew with stimulants to awake them from their electric dreams.
“So, what’s the situation, Shirl? How many ships did we drag with us? Peter said while he and Monica dressed.
“Forty-four. Twenty of them are Marine cruisers; twenty-four private parties. Of the twenty-four private ships, four are news ships, and five are unknown cruisers, probably bored tourists. They are all on the other side of the Artifact. I stopped in a random area of space to have our showdown, we are still hours from Jensons system, which is our final destination; I didn’t want them to see our final location.”
“Good thinking, Well, at least those are better odds,” Peter said with relief.
“The Marines, of course, are trying to hack our frequency, but I keep shifting bands; unless you want to talk to them,” Shirley said primly.
“Nah, all they are going to do is demand our surrender. Take five random Marine ships and target their engines when we get close.
A few minutes of flying, and the winking and glowing lights of twenty marine cruisers and assorted ships showed on Shirley’s Holoscreen in space and on a Shirley’s sensor as red dots. As they cleared the horizon the ship vibrated greatly as Shirley fired all her weapons at once.
The image of five Marine ships filled their sight, motionless, with a debris field around their engine modules, while the other Marine ships scrambled to assume a battle formation.
“Shirl, open a channel to the Marines.”
“...surrender... you are under arrest, and ordered to stand down,” broke over the com.
They could all hear a loud crash and screaming that followed, “Sergeant Franklin, stop that!”
“But, sir, there’s a Griffoon loose in the control room!”
Another crash ensued followed by, “You fool! That’s Lt. Percy, and you are ordered to stop growing fur and fangs, Franklin! ~ aaagggg! ~ sizzle! ~ bang!”
“Shut it off, Shirl, sounds like its working and they are hallucinating.”
A few of the Marine ships unleashed a volley of projectiles at the Incontinence. Shirley fired a volley of anti-missiles back, with side order of rail-gun slugs, lasers flashing and taking out droves of incoming missiles. A series of silent explosions lit up the holoscreen. Then, as if on a signal, all the ships fired their missiles, rockets, lasers, and rail guns; seemingly everything they had, and Shirley was firing back.
The noise was deafening, Of course explosions in space were silent: but the sounds of Shirley firing all her weapons at once, the vibrations, the pings and thumps of shrapnel from exploded shells, and debris from ordinance, made it sound like they were in garbage can being struck by a stick. The vibrations were daunting, the creak and groans coming from the ship were frightening. An emergency klaxon went off, indicating the hull had been punctured somewhere, making them all jump.
“Don’t worry my Spider bots will patch any punctures, but Peter, what now?” Shirley said sounding a little worried, “I’m barely holding them off—there are just too many of them, and they have their own AIs to take control, while they are busy hallucinating. I have lots of ammo and missiles, but they won't last forever. Ditto my shielding.”
“Hold on!” Shirley micro jumped, and they all felt a moment’s disorientation. The sound lessened for a moment and then resumed as the other AI's adjusted their aim.
“We have to get rid of all these assholes before we jump, Peter!”
As Shirley said this, on the projected Holoscreen of the battle-- five unknown ships came around the Artifact in formation and headed toward the group of Marine cruisers at full speed. A shimmery field projected behind the ships as they screamed by the main body of Marine ships. All the ships jerked like fish on a line as the mystery ships flew by and then they were being slowly veered around. Oh- so- slowly at first and gaining speed before their eyes.
“Somebody call for God’s intervention?” The cheerful voice of Lt. Gracie came on the communicator. “Let me haul these poor Marines, who are just trying to do their job away from you, while you move these poor, Godless Baloovians to a safer place, shall we?”
“Lt. Gracie! I'm almost beginning to believe in God’s providence!” Peter said joyfully. “Thanks! Thanks, a lot! How are you doing...what are you are doing?
“Oh, it’s all technical and stuff. Our engineers tried to explain, but I'm afraid it’s all Glaxonian to me. Something about a magnetic hold on the black holes with a null field on our ship so as to not suck us into the black hole, and inertia dampers or something. I guess asteroid miners do the same thing with stuff they want to tow. Oh, dear, I'm not explaining it very well, am I? No matter, it’s working just dandy, isn't it? Just as they said it would.”
Indeed, the last of the Marine ships were being towed along in the Heaven’s Battalion’s wake and pulling away from them. Shirley used her ship’s exterior camera and magnified the image, focusing on several ships with a red shield on the nose, almost completely engulfed in strap-on boosters. They must have been exerting an incredible amount of thrust. The Marines tried firing on the Heaven’s Battalion fleet, but nothing got past the black holes. A few fitfully sent volley after volley at the Incontinence as they were being pulled away as if in a fit of pique, but Shirley easily countered their missiles.
“I would ask for the co-ordinates to the location of where you are taking the Baloovians planet, but there are too many big ears listening, and there’s the chance of someone intercepting the information. I’ll tell you what, here’s our home address, and how to contact us. Let us know when the Baloovians are safe and tell us where they are. We trust in God that you will persevere and succeed with your mission. God speed.” Lt. Mary transmitted that information, and soon Heaven’s Battalion with marines in tow, was a small dot dwindling in the distance.
“Humph! Maybe God is on our side, and looking out for us too,” Shirley said cheerfully.
“About time things started going our way!” Peter said with relief in his voice. “I was beginning to think we were hosed once again.
“Oh, by the way, someone claiming to be a reporter from Upix 1 is signaling us. You want to talk to him?”
“Sure! Put him on. Maybe if we explain to the Universe what we are doing, the Nine Worlds will go easy on us and only brain wipe us and torture us a little, if we are caught.”
“Come in Incontinence, come in! We want to hear your story. Hello, Hello, Incontinence...” the reporter’s voice came through the com.
“Yeah, Incontinence here,” Peter said sharply.
“Are we speaking to Captain Farlon, of the Incontinence, also known as One-Eyed Pete to his legion of fans?” It was a Vookin speaking. Its projected image leaned forward with its eye stalks eagerly, grinning its permanent grin.”
“Yes, this is Captain Farlon, but I wish you media guys would stop calling me One-Eyed Pete. I'm standing here, as you can see, with two good eyes,” he said, pointing to his eyes and frowning, “that was just a joke costume, you know.”
“Fine, fine, One-Eyed Pete, but you'll always be One-Eyed Pete-- the Pirate, in our hearts. This being is roving reporter Julomnlenda, by way. Where’s your delightful, colorful speaking bird?”
“Uh, sleeping,” Peter said, not wanting to explain that Sam was in a box in his closet, “look, we're in a hurry here, what do you want?”Already regretting talking to this creature.
“Why, a few words, of course. Wouldn't you like to tell us your side of the story? Is it true that this planet below was the source of the drug Quaxxin? Any comments on that? We were just mysteriously transported here from Ferntuckys orbit. Fortunately, Vookins are mostly immune to hyperspace psychosis, are the rumors true that the mysterious Artifact from Ferntucky is able to move itself, and other planets?”
“Yes, it’s true. Tarcacks! You just had that demonstrated, dumbass! The Baloovians have been systematically killed to provide the drug Quaxxin which is made from their ground up corpses. The Artifact is a device of immense power that can move worlds, and we intend to put Baloovia somewhere where it won't be found-- forever. I probably would have let the addicts destroy themselves with the stuff, and left the Baloovians to their fate, if I had not been dragged into this by my asshole ex-boss, who kidnapped my friends and forced me to deliver the Baloovians to him!”
The Vookin spoke out of the side of his mouth in a low voice to someone off-screen. “Don't worry, we can be the editing this boring floxshit later.”
Speaking in its normal tone again, it directed more questions Peter’s way. “Moving on-- what are this being’s plans now? I am authorized by the station to offer all-expense-paid vacations to planet Disney for more exclusive interviewing! A small honorarium is included. How about it? It’s the “Happiest Planet in the Galaxy!” it added hopefully.
“Uh, no thanks. I know you would have a recorder up my ass every minute I was there. Plus, I think the Marines might have some issues with that and arrest us the minute we showed our faces in known space,” Peter said sighing.” Are we done here?”
The Vookin had its head cocked as if listening to someone off camera. “Oh! Our legal department says everyone has diplomatic immunity while on planet Disney! “So, will you be raping and looting anymore ships soon?”
“Tarcacks! We never raped anyone! Where did you get that impression?”
“That’s what Sally Phillips says from ship full of robots you plunder! She says she’s carrying your love child. In fact, she says all crew rape her.”
“That’s it! Goodbye! This interview is over!”
“So, One-Eyed Pete, the Pirate is denying of the rape alega―?”
Peter turned the com off in disgust.
“The nerve of that guy! Shirley, get us out of here! How close are we to Jensons system?
“Not far now, I found the perfect place for the Baloovians planet! It’s barely on the star charts. Been largely ignored because the system has no assets that can't be found somewhere closer to the Nine Worlds possessing a Goldilocks zone. We slot Baloovia into a goldilocks zone, no one will know. No other planets terra-formable that any of the known races would be interested in. Some resources to be harvested, if the Baloovians ever achieve spaceflight, but nothing that couldn’t be found closer to other races. Nobody would go there except by accident or on a dare.”
“I can’t believe that Sally Phillips is telling people we raped her! She must be watching too many low-grade romance Holovids, stupid bitch!” Peter said angrily.
“You did put a small rip in one of my blouses once, and I lost a button!” Monica said.
“And I had impure thoughts about one of the passengers when we were robbing the space liner,” said Oscar with her usual sardonic grin.
“What!” Peter said irritated.
“No matter, relax! We will be in hyperspace for about forty hours more,” Shirley said, her image folding its arms and looking satisfied.
“Humph! Maybe I should go explain to the Baloovians what’s happening. They might freak out when the sky gets all dark and smeary. I don't know how I can reach all of them with an explanation, though,” Peter wondered aloud.
“Remember they communicate by radio waves,” Shirley reminded Peter. “I suggest you go down planet and set up a transmitter. My spider -bots could cobble something together in about twenty minutes. You could broadcast an announcement, and maybe take questions from a group so they can address any concerns they may have.”
“Good idea. Thanks.”
Peter walked down to the galley to see if anyone else might want to accompany him.
They soon had a transmitter and microphone loaded on the Lirley and outfitted themselves with filtration masks this time. Peter didn't want a repeat of their last near disaster from close proximity with Baloovians. Marcus and John had declined to come, but Monica and Oscar insisted in spite of Peter’s warnings that the Baloovians not very exciting; they wanted to see for themselves.
Oscar and Monica had a good time talking to and getting to know Lirley, the shuttle, on the uneventful flight down. In a short while they landed on the planet next to a large flock of Baloovians. The same endless, featureless grassy plains, interspersed with a few scraggly trees, greeted them. They donned the filter masks, hauled the transmission equipment out of the shuttle, and set it up on a slight rise. Gathering the Baloovians was no problem; in their uncomplicated lives, this was the most fascinating event in all their born days. They crowded around wondering what the funny aliens would do next.
“Why are you here, sky people? Are you here to take more of us to heaven?” some elder in the group called out.
“Hang on there, buddy! We will announce our purpose in just a minute. With our sky magic, we will try to tell all of you all over your world why we are here,” Peter said, briskly attaching the battery cables to the microphone and com transmitter. Oscar and Monica examined the Baloovians leisurely, them looking like grotesque insects with their filters on. Monica put out a tentative hand and patted the nearest one, marveling that they could move so well and be so flexible when they were so hard and crystalline.
Peter finished connecting the microphone and tested it.
“Test. Test. 1-2-3.” ~ squeal~ pop~ and a loud whine projected from the speakers.
The Baloovians all let out a loud keening over the coms. Whe
n Peter and the girls looked around, the Baloovians had put their flippers over their eyes, and the translator was ringing with their cries.
“Owwwww! ~ no! ~what the fudge~ make it stop sky angels~ EEEEE.”
Peter and the women also winced from the loud sounds of feedback in their coms and pulled the headsets from their ears. Peter hastily moved the microphone away from the transmitter and dialed down the volume.
“Uh, sorry, beings! I'm not used to broadcasting radio. We now use a― oh, hell! You wouldn't understand,” Peter said apologetically.
“Excuse, please, sky angel, is ear torture part of taking to heaven for beings?” one Baloovian said, dropping its flippers from the red orbs on its face. “If is, this being not sure it wants to go.”
“Err--that was a mistake-- sorry! Uh, never mind. Greetings, Baloovians!” as he addressed the whole group, spreading his arms wide.
They couldn't help it; Monica and Oscar giggled softly under their masks. Peter turned and glared at them as best he could with a rubber mask and filter covering half his face. He made a chopping motion to knock it off. “Sorry, Peter, you just look so silly with that rubber mask on, making grand gestures like a holovid dictator, we couldn't help ourselves,” Monica said with mirth and a voice distorted by the rubber mask.
“You are not helping, you two! This could be historical in the Baloovians’ lives, and in the history of the Universe. After all, how many times in history does a being’s planet get moved? As far as we know, Ferntucky was the first and only planet ever moved before that we know of. Yen and Yuen told us that scientists said the planet and the artifact were not native to that system. Instead of giggling, you two should be recording this!” Peter put his hands on his hips and faced the flock again.
Oscar smacked herself on the forehead and ran for the Lirley to look for a vidcam. They could have recorded it on any of their Datacom’s, but the resolution was poor.
Star Hookers Space Pirates Page 37