by J. R. Tate
“Oh thank God you are here!”
“I’m gonna get you two out.” He went to the window and broke the glass. The ladder was near, and one of the firefighters moved it toward them. “Cap, I got a woman and a baby right here. I think getting them out through the window is probably our safest bet.”
They edged the ladder to the opening and Michael handed the baby over to one of the guys. The woman approached the window, her hands shaking uncontrollably. “Please, I can’t do this.”
Michael took her hand and guided her. “Yes you can. The ladder is right there and we won’t let you fall. Just step out and don’t look down.”
She was apprehensive and it felt like a wake up call to Michael. He was acting the same way about entering the building. A few more seconds and it was likely that this lady and her child wouldn’t have gotten out, all due to him being hesitant. She stepped out and Michael stayed with her, helping her down the ladder with each step, talking her through it. When they reached the ground she hugged him.
“Thank you so much, for getting us out.” Tears fell down her face, smearing the soot that was caked on her skin.
“It’s my job. Go get checked out at the ambulance. They took your baby over there too.”
She patted his shoulder one last time, and the look of gratitude on her face was enough for Michael to know that she truly was grateful. It didn’t matter. Michael felt completely useless. How could he have sunk so low? Captain Rooker approached him, his brow creased.
“They called clear inside. Good job getting them out. We need to have a talk back at the station.”
“Yes sir,” Michael replied, knowing exactly what it was going to be about.
The ride back to the station was pretty quiet. It usually was after a fire, even if things all turned out okay. The guys generally went through things in their head. Sometimes everyone was still keyed up with their adrenaline pumping, but for the most part, it was pretty calm. Michael was worried about what the Captain had to say. What if he had decided to take him off of the truck? Or even worse, what if he was recommending that he take on a desk job down at headquarters? Michael wouldn’t survive doing a desk job. He’d go crazier than he felt he was right now.
They backed in to the garage and Michael followed Captain Rooker back to his office, feeling everyone’s eyes on him as he did. He knew he had screwed up. He felt bad for almost letting the team down. They were all supposed to click together and he was upsetting the balance.
“Sit down, McGinnis.” Rooker sat on the other side and straightened some paperwork on his desk, his facial expression harsh.
Michael did as he was told and waited to speak up until he knew exactly what this was about.
“You hesitated back there, big time. Did you even realize you did?” Rooker’s brow creased, making Michael feel about five inches tall.
“Yes sir, I did. Not sure why it happened.”
“Well, I do. I think you came back too soon, son. Hell, it hasn’t even been that long. You need to heal completely. And I’m not just talking physically. Your mind is just as important with this job.”
Michael felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. “Sir, I’m fine. It was my first big fire back. I’ll be fine now.”
“I’ve been in contact with Dr. Bowen as well,” Rooker replied, ignoring what Michael had to say completely. “She says you still are having a lot of emotional issues with everything that happened. I know we go through shit on this job. Every single one of us out there on that truck, daily, see things no one else could imagine. It takes a toll on us. The important thing is we push through it. No one’s looking down at you if you need more time off, McGinnis.”
Michael sat back in the chair, unsure of what to say. “Captain Rooker, I assure you that I’m getting better. You mentioning time off actually brings up a question I’ve wanted to ask. My brother is down in Austin at that rehab facility and wants us to come down for a family week in September. I was leery to ask.”
“I think that’ll do you some good, McGinnis. I can tell he’s a lot of your problem. We’ll make do without you while you’re gone. The time off is granted. Just fill out the paperwork and turn it in to me.”
“I’m only planning on being down there a few days.”
“Take as much time as you need. And between now and then, keep your head on straight and do this job right. I don’t want to take you off the truck, but if you pull another stunt like that between now and the time you go down to Texas, I’ll yank your ass so fast you won’t even know what hit you, do you understand me?”
Michael nodded and stood up. He extended his hand to shake Captain Rooker’s who obliged the gesture. “Yes sir.”
“You’ve always been one of my best men, Michael. Let’s keep it that way.” Rooker averted his attention to some paperwork, which was Michael’s cue to leave. Exiting the office, he felt a slight twinge of relief in knowing he could go down to Austin for a few days to scope it all out, and at the same time, he felt bad for the way the call went.
It had been along day, and was only getting longer with each second that passed by.
***
Michael got home around seven forty five that evening, and was both emotionally and physically exhausted. For the most part, the guys were cool about what happened. No one said much about it, except a few snide comments here and there about freezing up. It was typical in the firehouse and Michael didn’t take offense to it. That’s just how the guys were.
The smell of Eva’s cooking hit him like a wall as he unlocked the apartment door. She was in the kitchen in one of his FDNY shirts that practically hung down to her knees. She stood over the stove, tasting sauce from a spoon.
“Hey Mikey! I was wondering when you were gonna get home!”
He threw his duffel bag on the couch and hugged her from behind. “Damn Eva, you know you turn me on when you wear my shirts.” He ran his hands down her side, slowing at her hips and at the button of her jeans. “I was filling out the paperwork for time off to go down to Austin. Captain Rooker said he’d approve it.” He buried his face in her neck, taking in the smell of her hair.
“That’s great! They’re giving me the time off, too, so it looks like we’ll all make a little family trip out of it. And you were worried they’d get pissed.”
He let go of her and leaned against the cabinet, skimming through the mail. “Yeah, well, he’s giving it to me because I kinda froze on the job today. Said I came back too early. So really, it’s not a reward. It’s because they think I’m crazier than a shit house rat.”
“I highly doubt they think that, hon. He’s like most of us in thinking that if you get down there and see what Casey is experiencing, you’ll be more relaxed about it. That’s just how you are. You’ve always been that way about your little brother. When it’s out of your hands and you can’t protect him, it bothers you. It’ll do you some good.”
“And my diagnosis of PTSD?” Michael asked, tossing the mail aside as he picked at the chicken sautéing in the frying pan.
“You’d be insane to not have that after everything. You’re not crazy, Mikey. Please stop saying you are. If you’re crazy, what does that make me?” She leaned in and gave him a deep kiss on the lips.
Pulling away, he ducked his head. “Dr. Bowen wants me to go visit Viper in prison.”
A look of dismay was painted on Eva’s face. She brushed her hair out of her face and sat down at the kitchen table, inviting him to sit down next to her. Following suit, he didn’t say anything, waiting on her reply.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously,” he repeated.
“And what is her reasoning behind it?” She pulled his hand into hers.
“She said the quickest way to get over everything is if I forgive Viper and stop holding all of this hatred in my heart. I honestly don’t know what to think about it. I mean, what if I go there and my anger towards him just gets worse? As a kid, forgiveness was always what I was taught, but I never had anything
like this happen to me before.”
Eva shook her head and grasped his hand even tighter. Even that small embrace felt good to Michael. “I can see where she’s coming from. Sometimes you just have to face things. Kind of like when you face your fears.” She looked up at him, her hazel eyes so beautiful.
“What happens if I can’t ever forgive him?” Michael kept his voice low, almost ashamed to even ask the question.
Eva released his hand and went back to the stove, stirring the food. “I guess that’s just something you’ll have to live with, Mikey. ” She dished out a couple of plates. “Supper is ready. How about we get our minds off of all of this for a while? I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.”
He took the steaming plate of food from her, his appetite suddenly non-existent. He sat down and picked at the food, not wanting to offend Eva by not eating it. He listened to her talk about different things she did throughout the day, but his thoughts were elsewhere. It was bittersweet about getting the time off to go to Austin. He could only wonder what the guys would say while he was gone. Hopefully Captain Rooker would keep the reasons generic and not go into the other issues. Who was he kidding, though? Everyone saw how he froze up. Hopefully for once in the history of the firehouse, the guys would be mature adults about it.
“You think so, Mikey?”
Eva’s question pulled him from his thoughts and he had no idea what she was asking him. Shrugging, he tried to play it off, but she read him like a book.
“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” She put her fork down and wiped her face with a napkin. “Look, I know you’ve had quite the day, and I’m sorry for that. But if you sit around and dwell on it, it’s just going to make it worse.” She took a sip of water. “What I was talking about was booking our plane tickets. We should probably do it pretty soon, don’t you think?”
Michael nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right. We should do it with my mom. We can go over to her house tomorrow or something.”
“Sounds good. And Mikey, chill out. Everything’s going to be okay.”
All he could do was hope she was right. For some reason, his gut was telling him otherwise.
Chapter Four
Michael wouldn’t call Gregg Walsh a good friend yet, but since he had gotten back to work, he had seemed to bond with the other firefighter pretty well. Gregg had transferred from another firehouse and seemed to fit right in with everyone instantly. His chemistry with the other guys, especially in fires, seemed as if he had been with Ladder Twenty One from the moment he got out of the fire academy. He was busy shining down the truck when Michael arrived for his shift.
“Hey Mikey, fresh pot of coffee going if you’re interested.”
“Thanks man, I appreciate it.” Michael started to walk past him, but Gregg stopped him and pulled him aside. It caught him off guard and he tried his best to not seem annoyed. “What’s up?”
Gregg hesitated and tossed his shine rag to the side. “Look, I know I don’t know you very well or anything, and I don’t know much about what you went through, but I just wanted to say that if you need to talk to someone, possibly over a beer or something, you can always give me a call.”
Michael smirked and folded his arms over his chest. “Yeah, you don’t know me too well. Talking over a beer isn’t such a wise idea with me.”
Nodding, Gregg let out a laugh. “Well, fine, we can talk over a coke. You know what I mean. I know how sometimes it’s hard to turn to people around here.”
Usually Michael would have his guard up and not believe what he was hearing, but Gregg really seemed genuine and caring in what he was saying. “Thanks Gregg.” He shook his hand and was unsure of what else to say. “I’m gonna go grab me some coffee.”
“That is one thing I have heard about you. Go get you some before you turn on me.” Gregg went back to shining the rig, and for a second Michael debated on talking to him. Deciding it was a little too soon, he went into the kitchen. It was nice knowing he did have a friend if he needed it. It would be nice to talk to a guy. Eva was great, but sometimes her perspective was a little off compared to how he saw things.
“Everything squared away for your Texas trip?” Captain Rooker was at the table, his head buried in the newspaper.
“Yeah, we’re gonna get the plane tickets tonight and be ready to go.” Michael poured a cup of the black coffee and took a long sip. Sometimes it was effective enough to curb his occasional alcohol cravings.
“Sounds good. It’s coming up in what, two weeks? You might be looking at some pricey airfare.”
Shrugging, Michael sat down across from him and chose a bagel from the box of pastries someone had brought in. “Maybe. Eva’s really good at finding deals and things, and I think she’s got a voucher from some time before. It’s not a problem.”
Captain Rooker stood up and patted him on the shoulder. “Remember what I said. Between now and then, keep your head on straight and listen to that psychologist of yours. She doesn’t have a PhD in it for nothing.” He exited the kitchen, leaving Michael alone.
Most of the other guys were watching the morning news. His thoughts crept to Dr. Bowen and her suggestion of visiting Viper. He had spent most of the night awake, pondering about it. He had weighed the pros and cons of what would happen in that situation and if it really would benefit him. He worried that seeing Viper would just make him angrier. What if it dredged up old memories? But on the other side, nothing else was really helping him get over his issues. He was almost desperate enough to try anything.
He had talked to Eva about it a bit more too, and she seemed to be leaning toward him doing it. She brought up a good point about how much things would change if Viper gave him a sincere apology. He didn’t have much to lose. He was already distraught to the point of no return.
Dialing Dr. Bowen’s number, he felt a knot form in his stomach. It seemed that every decision he made lately came with great effort. He was definitely thinking on it too much. Her secretary answered and transferred him to her office.
“This is Dr. Bowen.”
“Hey Dr. Bowen, this is Michael McGinnis from Ladder Twenty One.”
“Hello Michael. What can I do for you?”
He got up to leave the room when another firefighter came into the kitchen. He really didn’t want anyone overhearing this. Stepping into the bathroom, he locked the door behind him. “I’ve been thinking about what you suggested yesterday. I’ll go and visit Viper.”
“Wow, I’m kind of surprised. It didn’t take you long to decide. I was going to give you until our appointment next week to make a decision.”
“I thought about it all last night. And, I’m going out of town soon, so I figured I need to get on the ball with it before then.”
“Okay Michael, I’ll put in the visitation request and be in touch with you on the details once I hear from Rikers. I think this will be very good for you.”
“Thanks Doc,” he replied, as he hung up. He didn’t really feel like going through another counseling session, so he ended the call before she could say anything else. He tossed the phone on the sink counter and ducked his head, hoping to God that this wasn’t another mistake he could add to his ever-growing list.
***
A few days had passed since he called Dr. Bowen about arranging a visit with Viper. He was shocked to get a phone call from her so quickly, urging him to get to her office to get everything in line and ready for the visit. Things seemed to be moving very fast. They had successfully booked a round trip flight down to Austin. They were only planning on staying a few days due to both Eva’s and his mom’s jobs.
Michael made it to her office in the early afternoon, nervous since he didn’t know what to expect. The waiting room was busier than he had seen it before, and he worried he would be spotted by another firefighter that he knew. Thankfully, from what he could tell, he didn’t recognize anyone. He didn’t have to wait long. Dr. Bowen was always quick.
She handed him a folder with
information in it. “Viper was all for you visiting him. No problem at all.” Handing him a pen, she invited him to sit down. “This is some paperwork you need to fill out to register as a visitor. Usually you have to do it at Rikers, but I got it faxed over for you. Visiting hours are from one to nine tomorrow. You have to get your paperwork turned in by eight pm. Make sure you take a current photo I.D. There is a list inside the folder of things you are not permitted to take in with you.” Michael thumbed through the papers. “Is there a problem, McGinnis?”
Looking up, he patted the folder against his leg. “This is just all happening so fast. Now that it’s actually happening tomorrow, I…” He raked his hand through his hair. “I just don’t know.”
She took her reading glasses off. “You’re doing the right thing. You both are going to benefit from this.”
Michael stared at her a few seconds. “How so? What if I go in there and Viper plays me again? What if I just…”
“Michael, I really don’t feel that you can get to a worse place than you are right now with your resentment toward the man. You don’t have much to lose. If it does go bad, just tell the guard you want to leave. The fact that Viper wants to have a visit too is a good sign. He’s had a lot of time to think about things.”
“Oh, so did you personally talk to him?” He stood up and began to pace.
“No, but I know the person in charge of inmate visits very well.”
“You say he’s had a lot of time to think.” He paused and put his hands on the back of the chair as he stood behind it. “What if he’s conjured up some new plan and this is his first step in it?”
Dr. Bowen’s brow creased and she motioned back toward the chair. “Please sit down. You’re overanalyzing all of this. Viper is behind bars. There’s nothing he can do to you now. This is part of your PTSD, reliving what happened and fearing it will again. I think once you get there and see, it’ll only be good for you.”