by Ashley Beale
"Understandable," the nurse states. "This can be extremely hard on children, and we do have programs for that. To help you cope with a parent's addiction. If you'd like, I can mail you a few pamphlets or have them waiting here for you if you do decide to come. Either way, she'll be here for at least forty-eight hours. You can call any time as well."
I like the nurse, she's kind and seems understanding. I wonder if this is a common thing. After all, we do live in Los Angeles, but still. This doesn't seem like something a parent should do. A mother of a grown adult should not be doing cocaine in the middle of the night. I also would like to know who the witness is, and if they, too, were doing the stupid drug.
"Thank you. You can leave them there," I tell her. "I'll try to be in a little later."
"I'll leave you my personal number. I'll be here until seven tonight if you decide to come in, I'll make sure to accompany you."
I thank her once more, take down her number, then answer the few remaining questions about family members and her health. After we hang up I head back inside to sit at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the stupid roses placed on my stupid table, in this stupid apartment, because everything in life is stupid. I hate everything right now.
I hate everyone.
After several minutes pass, my anger only intensifies. Standing up from the table I shove the vase of roses across the table, which hit the wall. Glass shatters, water sprays everywhere, and the roses tossed to the ground. Stupid roses, I say to myself. Stupid Leon, too. What was he thinking, sending me roses? We haven't spoken since before Christmas, when he reminded me that this baby wasn't actually mine. He hasn't been to any doctor’s appointments, only his girlfriend has, and she glows and sparkles and smiles each fucking time.
I'm pissed. I'm fucking pissed.
I storm to the bathroom, slamming the door only to get out more anger. I sit on the toilet and wait for my pee to come, and when it takes several seconds I yell at my bladder. I actually yell out loud, screaming for my bladder to hurry the fuck up. When I'm finally done, I wash my hands ferociously. I can't even fathom looking into the mirror because I know I'll break down in tears.
Walking into my bedroom, I stare at the little amounts of items I have in my room. I haven't accumulated much, most of it is brought from my original bedroom. The random things I have saved are silly things like ticket stubs from a movie date with Penelope, or pictures from the my birthday weekend with all the girls, or the poster Sumner bought me just last week of my favorite band. Then there is that stupid fucking fake rose from when Leon bought me flowers on my birthday.
Why does everything turn back to him? Why Leon? Why me? Why is this my life at the moment?
Padding through the house back to the kitchen, I pick up my phone. His name stares back at me, and I take a deep breath before pressing the green button to call him. It rings all of three times before he answers. "Hey." It sounds soothing and sweet, like the world isn't actually crumbling around me. "Did you get the flowers?"
I want to tell him to fuck off, but instead it actually causes tears to slowly race down my cheeks. I look over to the shattered vase on the floor. "Where do you get the right to send me flowers?" I cry out. "Why can't you leave me alone, Leon?"
"Are you... crying?"
"No! Why would I be crying?!" I yell out, trying desperately not to sob. "Why would I be upset? Leave me alone, Leon. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop sending me stupid fucking presents."
"Monica, calm down, please." I hate how tranquilizing he sounds with his concern. "Are you home? I'll be right there."
"No. I'm not home." The lie slipping through my lips.
"Then where are you?"
I look around, trying to think of something... and quick. "My... My mom's."
"Monica..." I hate how he says my name. "Are you home?"
"What does it matter?"
He sighs. "I'll be right there. Please don't leave. Not when you're this upset."
"Whatever." I grumble. "I didn't call for you to come over. I called to tell you to leave me alone."
"I'll be right there. Please. Don't. Leave."
"Yut." I hang up the phone, slamming it down on the table. It takes all of three seconds for my body to collapse, and the tears to run effortlessly down my face while I sob hard into my hands.
I feel defeated. I'm exhausted. I'm completely drained.
I can't handle this anymore.
My body is huge. I'm uncomfortable. I've reached a part in the pregnancy where nothing fits, and I can't sleep all night because I'm up peeing at least twice. I'm always hungry but feel crampy when I consume anything my body seems to crave. I have bags under my eyes, and varicose veins on my swollen ankles. Add in a broken heart, and a fucked up mother, and a dead father, and friends in relationships, living their own lives, and everything else in my fucked up life- it's surprising I haven't snapped before this.
I listen as my phone starts to ring. I almost don't dare to pick it up, but I reach for it anyways to at least see who it is. Penelope. I wipe at my face, trying to dry the tears while I breathe deeply to stop myself from crying, although it's quite useless at this point. "Hello?" I answer, attempting to sound normal.
She doesn't seem to notice a difference, thankfully. "Morning. I just wanted to call and check in on you before I left with William."
"Where are you going?"
"To Sacramento, remember?"
I had completely forgot they were spending today and tomorrow there for Valentine’s Day slash William's birthday, which is tomorrow. "Oh, I had forgotten, sorry. Have fun. I'll miss you."
There is a slight pause, before she asks. "Are you okay? You sound... upset."
"I'm fine, honestly. Go have fun, I'll see you this week, I'm sure." Even though I have to put in extra time at school due to working with Doctor Marx. My first advanced assignment with him was on Thursday, and we have a lot of time to put in over the next four weeks, since I'm due to have the baby in six. I have to basically put in overtime each week, so I'm going to start seeing even less of my friends, and in the process I'm going to be twice as exhausted each day.
"Okay, if you're sure."
"I am. Have fun."
She pauses again. "I'll have my phone on me. Please call if you need me."
"I will, Penny. Seriously, go have fun with William, you two need it."
"Thanks. We will try."
Less than five minutes pass by when my phone rings again, this time it's Sumner. I let out a ragged breath before answering, knowing Penelope called her to say I'm not having a good morning or something. "Hi," I answer.
"What's wrong?" she asks. I hear dinging in the background then the rev of her engine starting.
"Don't come over. I'm fine, seriously. I got some bad news this morning about Mom, I've gotten over it. I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed."
"What about your mom?" I can't say the words out loud. Sumner has to repeat herself. "What about your mom?"
"She's... in the hospital."
"For?"
"Um... overdosing."
"On Opioids?"
"No."
"Monica, what did she overdose on? Is she okay? Is she... dead?"
"She's fine. She's sleeping. She'll be okay. I'm okay. Please stop worrying."
"What hospital is she at? Are you there? What was it that she overdosed on? Monica, you need to speak with me. Tell me what is happening."
A few more tears start to brim. I knew Valentine's Day was going to be crappy this year, however, this is not how I expected it to go. "She's at White Memorial, it was a cocaine overdose, and everything will be fine. Please stop worrying."
"Are you there?"
"No."
"Are you home?"
"No."
"Yes you are."
"How would you know?"
"I know you. I'll come pick you up. We can go visit her together."
"No, don't bother, please."
"Why? I'm already driving."
&nbs
p; "Because... I have plans."
"No you don't."
As if on cue, Leon walks through the kitchen door. I didn't even know I left my door unlocked. I stare at him with bewilderment as he takes in my face. He seems both angry and wretched for me, neither of which I want. Then he glances at the flowers on the floor, his face not showing any signs of added infuriation. "I do," I tell her. "Leon just showed up."
She doesn't say anything for a few long, agonizing seconds. "I thought... I thought you were done with him?"
We look at one another, and it's as though every single thing I've ever felt for him hits me harder than a Mack truck. My heart literally feels as though someone is squeezing it, suffocating me from the inside out. "I thought so, too."
Sumner sighs hard, holding back no feelings about the situation. "I get it's Valentine's Day, and I know you're hurting from your mom, but this isn't the answer. Monica, you need to walk away."
"I seem to handle a lot on my own, I'm fine."
"Whatever. I'll be over later. I'm bringing you to the hospital to see your mom. I'll see you at one thirty. I mean it."
"Okay. I'll be ready." Even though I don't want to be.
"Monica. I love you. You're my sister and my best friend."
"I love you too, Sumner. Thank you." My voice is restless at this point.
She hangs up the phone, and I set mine on the table, still staring at Leon. Neither of us say anything for a bit. It's when he glances at the flowers again, I finally open my mouth. "Thanks for the flowers." Except, I sound anything but thankful.
"Glad to see you liked them."
I look at the broken glass surrounding them rather than at the man who stole my heart before shredding it to pieces. "Why are you here?"
"Why are you crying? Did it really piss you off that much that I sent you flowers?"
"You think this is about you?" I glance back in his direction. "Figures your ego would assume such a thing."
"I'm not going to apologize for what I said. I warned you time and time again I'm a fucking asshole. I am sorry, however, for hurting you."
I roll my eyes. "Figures."
"Monica, stop this." His voice grows in frustration. "What is going on with you?"
"What is going on with me?! Are you serious? I fucking fell in love with you and you destroyed my heart! I was never going to be first in your heart. I'm exhausted and frustrated. School is taking a toll on me. This pregnancy is wearing me thin. My friends all have their own lives, and I feel so damn lonely all the time, when I'm not busy with school or attempting to actually sleep, which I hardly get. Then add in that my mom is a selfish fucking bitch, who decided to overdose on cocaine the morning of Valentine's Day. That seems to sum this bullshit of a life up!"
He steps towards me and I try to back up but the counter stops me from going anywhere. He places his hands firmly on my shoulders, looking me square in the eyes. "I fell in love with you, too. And you walked away after I fucked up, rather than sticking around to work shit out. You’ve told me time and time again you wouldn't walk away, that you loved me too much for that. That you loved my flaws, too. So who broke whose heart, Monica? I've tried endlessly to speak with you, to make you smile, to make you call me back, and it takes your mom overdosing for you to call and... bitch at me. Grow. Up."
I shove at his hands to stop touching me, but he doesn't budge an inch. "Don't you dare turn this on me!"
His face only gets closer to mine. His nose flares as he takes deep breathes, trying to ease his rage. "Turn this on you? Stop being so damn vain. This isn't about you. This isn't about me. This is about us."
"Us? Really? Where in us does Ellie and Spud fit in? Huh?"
"You knew I was in a relationship when this all started. You obviously knew a baby with Ellie was part of the deal, seeing as you're the one carrying her."
"But... But I thought I had a chance."
"A chance for what?"
"To be more than your mistress!"
"You aren't a fucking mistress," he seethes. "I keep telling you that."
"And you keep proving your words wrong, Leon. Who am I if not your mistress?"
His fingers grip into my shoulders. I don't even know if he is aware to the fact he's doing it, or that it actually hurts. I don't bother telling him because I want to know what I am to him. I've stepped away from him this long, so whatever it is he's about to say is a make it or break it. If it's the wrong thing, I'm walking away for good.
"Monica," he says in a much softer, yet still timid tone. "You are the love of my life."
"How can you say that though?"
He leans in closer, his lips nearly gracing mine as he speaks. "Because it's true. Hawaii was hell, we barely even spoke to one another. Every day since we rarely say anything to each other, and I'm pretty fucking sure she has her own fling at this rate. And you know what? I. Don't. Care. Because I don't want her, I want you. You, Monica."
My lips collide with his in a force so hard, I'm almost certain I'm going to knock him over. He immediately furthers our kiss, wrapping his fingers into my hair as he holds me against him. I had given up hope for this moment to ever exist with him.
We slowly walk towards the bedroom where Leon lays me down. He is delicate in the way he undresses me, and I love the way he smiles down when he examines my body. I haven't felt at all pretty lately with how large I've gotten, but he makes me feel beautiful, just from the shine in his eyes.
Once he's undressed, his lips skim against my earlobe. "You are insanely beautiful," he whispers. I tremble at his words. He continues to kiss down my body, examining different parts of my body with his mouth, making it more sensual than anything I've ever experienced. By the time he makes his way back to my mouth, I'm breathing with need, ready to have him inside of me.
"Leon," I whisper breathlessly. "Will you... make love to me?"
His eyes look back and forth at mine. I feel weak with desire. I'm ready to grind against him. I need to get off from Leon's touch, but he deliberately gazes down at me, not saying anything. I slip my fingers into his unruly dark locks, ready to pull him down to kiss me more.
As I pull him close to me, he says, "I'd love nothing more."
Leon is unhurried with his movements, gently rocking into me while his hands linger across my skin. He presses kisses against me while I moan in pleasure, absorbing his love. I've found an addiction of my own, one I don't want to break the habit of. Leon is undeniably my drug, and I need to stop fighting any feelings I have for him. I give him my all; my heart, my body, and my soul.
He bites down on my earlobe when his thrusts start to increase. The feeling intensifies my already orgasmic sensation, and I'm about to come apart. "Baby," he breathes. "I'm going to come. Are you ready?"
I moan in response. Leon adjusts himself to be on his knees, pulling my hips up to meet his thrusts. He rocks into me hard, while pressing his thumb against my clit. I scream out in pleasure while he continues, then suddenly I feel as his orgasm hits seconds later. With one last hard push into me, he allows me to slowly fall back onto the mattress. The intensity between us is uncanning.
"I love you," I pant. “And I’m sorry.”
Leon comes down to kiss my mouth. "I love you more."
"Impossible."
"Completely possible." He chuckles, kissing my mouth once more. "I want to bring you out to dinner."
"Really?"
"Can I?"
"Um… yeah, of course." I try to suppress my smile, but it's useless.
He lays next to me, turning me so my backside is pressed against his chest. His dick is pressed into the curve of my ass, but it doesn't feel uncomfortable nor awkward as I'd assume it would. He runs his fingers over my stomach, causing Spud to kick. "Wow, they've really intensified, huh?" He states.
"Tell me about it. It's constant now."
"How have you been feeling?"
"Exhausted. Uncomfortable. Huge." I laugh. "Six weeks, I keep telling myself. Six weeks and I don't have to feel t
his way anymore. Other than my body being ruined, I'll feel like myself finally."
His fingers curl into a fist. "Don't insult yourself that way."
"It's true though."
"No. You have no idea how gorgeous you are. I don't think I could ever look at another woman the way I do you."
His words warm my soul, but it doesn't change the fact. "I have gained forty three pounds already."
"You were really skinny before."
"And I have tons of stretch marks."
"Each one I love."
"And I'm going to have those muffin tops most moms have."
"I'll still love you and your body, because I know what you've accomplished with it. It doesn't ruin your body, baby, if anything it empowers it."
I close my eyes, melting into Leon, loving what he is saying, even if I don't exactly agree. "Thank you," I whisper.
"For what?"
"For making me feel better, even for a little while."
I feel him press his lips against my head, while he tightens his hold on me.
We fall asleep for quite some time just like this. When I wake up, Leon has his arm still draped over me, softly snoring. I have to pee extremely bad, but I don't want to break his hold. Cautiously I remove his hand, wishing I didn't have to, then I sneak to the bathroom, latching the door lightly so I don't wake him. When I come out I realize it's all pointless because he's awake, watching me creep towards the bed.
"What time is it?" he asks with a sensual grin. He’s staring at me suggestively while I’m completely butt naked.
I peek out into the living room quickly. "It's a little before one." As soon as I say it I remember I have to leave with Sumner soon. "Shit, I have to leave in like forty minutes."
"Why?"
"Sumner is picking me up to see my mom."
"Do you have to shower or anything?"
"I already did this morning."
"Well you have forty minutes until she's here. We could shower, cuddle, or fuck in the meantime." He winks and I swear his dick twitches at the same exact time. It thrills me, and I'm instantly turned on once more.