by Claire Raye
“That’s better.” Her head falls to my shoulder, as if she’s now okay with the way things are worded.
“I snuck out, and I know you thought I was hooking up with some random guy, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t sleep and I needed to clear my head. There was so much bullshit going on at that time.”
“You don’t need to tell me. I believe you and I’m sorry that I was such an asshole when I saw you trudging through the grass shoeless and disheveled.” She laughs at her description and she’s right. That’s exactly what both of us looked like. Hungover as hell and feeling like shit from not sleeping. “Where did you go?”
“I walked to this hotel and hid out in the lobby,” I answer, shaming myself for being such an idiot.
“And they didn’t say anything to you?”
“Nope. I was sitting there with this homeless guy who was drinking the free coffee. I think they thought we were together.”
“Oh, Mila,” Ruby says, running a hand over her face. “Did you know you were pregnant then?”
“No, but I was. Everything was all wrong and I knew it. It’s why I drove six hours to see you that weekend. I just needed to get away, but what I came back to was an even bigger mess.”
“It’s over now,” she says. “Go home. Spend some time with Adam and work on getting back to where you were.”
“I think you’re right.”
Going home feels like the only thing I want to do right now.
Adam and I say our goodbyes and eventually we find ourselves pulling into our apartment complex for the first time since my birthday. A disaster of a birthday it was, and I still have no idea what happened to our Uber driver and his poor car.
“Do you know what happened to the driver?” I ask, when Adam puts the car in park.
“What driver?” he responds, lost by my comment.
“Our Uber driver.”
“Fuck, that feels like it was a lifetime ago,” he responds, tugging a hand through his hair. “He was okay. His car was a wreck, but he was fine. Didn’t need…” Adam stops, sucking in a hard breath. He’s really struggling with all of this and I’m sorry I even brought it up.
“I’m sorry,” I say, threading his fingers into mine. “This is still hard for you.”
He nods almost imperceptibly, and I don’t push it. We both need time, but right now we just need each other. I need to feel him in my arms, to lie next to him in bed, feel him breathing and take in his smell and remember how much I love him, how much I truly need him.
“You ready for a shower?” he asks, smiling at me, but behind it I can see he’s falling apart. He’s holding it together for me.
“I am. I’m pretty sure there is enough oil in my hair to fry a bag of mozzarella sticks,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood. “And I smell like shit.”
“You smell like I missed you so fucking much,” he says, his hand sliding to the base of my neck and pulling me to him. His lips touch mine, kissing me with so much sadness I feel it in my soul, a dull ache that throbs in the center of my chest. I long to make everything better, to take all his pain away, if I only knew what made him so broken.
We make our way upstairs, grateful for the elevator as I thump my way over to it with Adam carrying my things.
“Shower first thing,” I say as soon as I see my reflection in the elevator doors. I look at Adam clenching my teeth and shaking my head. “You don’t want to come near me because I smell like old onions and moldy cheese.”
“Interesting combo,” he replies, raising his eyebrows. “But I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to get in that shower with you if you actually want to get clean.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Washing my hair with one hand while standing on one leg feels like some sort of circus act.”
I have no idea if Charlie is home and not that it matters, but it’s obvious that Adam would like some time with just the two of us. We can always go back to his place despite it having like zero furniture.
We walk in and call out to the tiny space, seeing if Charlie is there. I get no response and find a note on the kitchen table.
Ruby sent a text saying you and Adam were heading back here. I’ll be at the library for a bit. Text me when you’re all settled or if you need something. Love you- Charlie
Adam brings my things to the bedroom and I head straight for the bathroom. A few seconds later he joins me as I struggle to pull my t-shirt over my head.
“I’m like a toddler,” I joke, but when I take in Adam’s face, I see there’s nothing to joke about.
His hands are shaking as he reaches out and runs his fingers over my deep purple bruises. The entire right side of my body is marred with a series of bruises so dark they look as if they’re permanent.
“Mila,” he whispers, my name choked out in a desperate cry for help. Burying his face in my neck, I can feel his hot tears stream down my skin. My heart is breaking in my chest, shattering into a million pieces as I feel Adam practically fall apart in my arms.
He falls to his knees in front of me, his lips kissing every single one of my bruises, touching gently as his hands grip my hips. With each touch of his lips, I want to heal him and all his broken pieces.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, through ragged breaths.
“Tell me,” I whisper, my hands pulling through his hair, bending down to press my lips to his head. “Tell me what happened.”
Chapter Ten
Adam
Mila’s body looks like it’s been used as a punching bag and the sight of all her pale skin covered in dark purple bruises just about breaks me. I feel like I’ve barely been holding it together as it is but seeing this, seeing her now…yeah, I’m fucking struggling.
Struggling not to throw up, struggling not to break down and sob like a fucking baby. Struggling not to run all over again.
Seeing Mila like this and knowing I left her when she needed me most is like a knife straight through my heart. A sharp, piercing pain that radiates through me. I have no idea how she can even stand to be around me, let alone let me touch her.
“Adam,” she prompts, her fingers in my hair.
I look up at her, see nothing but concern and worry on her face. Emotions I don’t deserve. I press a last kiss to her stomach before standing and stripping off the rest of her clothes. “You can leave the cast on your wrist,” I say, not meeting her gaze. “It’s waterproof. But we’ll need to take the boot off. Lean on me, okay, don’t put any weight on it.”
Mila rests her left hand on the counter as she watches me pull off my clothes. After she puts her arms around my neck, I turn on the water and then awkwardly maneuver us into the shower, grateful it isn’t one of those shower tub combos. She practically groans in bliss as soon as the water hits her skin, and it makes my heart ache all over again.
How I’ve missed hearing her make that sound.
“Don’t soak this,” I say, angling us so the bandage on her right ribs isn’t directly under the water. I brush the hair back from her face as she leans back under the water, before reaching for the shampoo. “You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says, nodding.
I look down at her bruised and swollen ankle, which she’s holding off the ground. “Keep holding onto me and I’ll wash your hair.”
Mila wraps her arms around my waist, and I start to shampoo her hair, massaging the suds into her head. She stands in silence, her eyes closed and her chest against mine as I work. Even though it’s been days since we’ve been naked together, nothing about this feels sexual. Sex is the last thing I’m thinking about right now, given how bruised and broken she is.
When I’m done with the shampoo and conditioner, Mila wipes the water from her face, opening her eyes as she leans in and presses a kiss to my chest, right in the middle above my heart. “Thank you,” she whispers, looking up at me. “That felt amazing.”
I nod in response, thinking that washing her like this is the least I can do. Reaching for th
e soap, I lather it up before running my hands all over her skin. It’s been so long since I’ve touched her like this and even though I can’t stop my body’s response to it, there’s not a chance in hell I’m taking things any further.
After I’m done, Mila takes the soap from my hand, a small smile on her face as she says, “Want me to return the favor?”
I swallow hard, forcing a smile as I say, “Take it easy, Mila. You need to rest. I’ve got it.”
I take the soap from her hands, leaning in to kiss her when she frowns at me. I’m not trying to shut her out or say no, but it’s hard seeing her like this. When the memories of what happened that night are literally stamped all over her skin, I just can’t see past them.
After we’re both done, I help her out of the shower, grabbing a couple of towels for her. Once she’s dried herself off, she leans back against the edge of the counter to do her hair. Wrapping a towel around my waist, I crouch down to re-strap the boot on her ankle.
“I’m just gonna go grab some clothes,” I say, my hands on her thighs.
Mila looks up at me, a worried look on her face. “You’re coming back, right? You’ll stay?”
It fucking kills me that she feels the need to ask me this, but I know I’ve got no one to blame for her doubts but myself. Leaning forward, I brush my lips against hers. “I’m staying, I promise,” I whisper. “Let me get you to the bedroom and then I’ll be back.”
Mila nods once, but says nothing.
Slipping my arms underneath her, I carry her back to her bedroom and sit her on the bed. “I won’t be long,” I promise, grabbing my keys as I head over to my apartment, still in the towel.
When I get back, Mila is lying on her bed, dressed in a pair of shorts and one of my t-shirts that I must have left behind. I throw the stuff I’ve brought over with me into the corner of her room and walk over to the bed.
“Can I get you anything?” I ask her.
Mila shakes her head, looking up at me as she says, “Lie here with me?”
I climb onto the bed and lie down beside her. She scoots over a little, lying on her left side, her head on my shoulder and her casted arm draped across my stomach. Both of us let out long, slow breaths as though the whole shower and getting dressed process has exhausted us.
Unfortunately, I know there is still more to come.
“You feel better?” I ask, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
“Much better,” she murmurs and for a second I think she might be falling asleep.
It’s shitty that I almost get my hopes up, thinking that Mila falling asleep is biding me some more time before I have to explain why I ran like I did. Obviously, I’m an arsehole and a coward for wanting to hang on to her for as long as possible before she starts to hate me.
“Will you tell me what happened?” she whispers.
I suck in a deep breath, scrubbing my hand down my face as I let it out. “I don’t know if I can,” I eventually get out, my heart now racing in my chest.
Mila looks up at me. “What are you so afraid of?”
“You hating me,” I whisper. “You telling me to go. Losing you.”
“That’s not going to happen,” she says, her voice filled with conviction.
I let out a hard laugh. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
“Adam,” she says, propping herself up as her eyes lock with mine. “I meant it, you know, when I said I love you.”
My heart flips in my chest at her words, at the thought that she could feel this way about me. “So do I,” I whisper. “But what if that’s not enough?” Her fingers brush across my cheeks and it’s only then that I realize they are wet with tears. “Fuck,” I murmur, brushing them away.
“Talk to me,” she pleads. “Please?”
My eyes close as I try to muster up the courage to tell her about my past, about why I ran from Australia and what my life was like before I met her. I’m terrified of what she’s going to think, because I’m scared she won’t believe that what we have means as much to me as it does.
“Rachel died in a car accident,” I blurt out, my eyes still closed.
“Rachel?” she asks, and I can hear the confusion in her voice as I open my eyes and meet hers again. “Oh, Rachel, your girlfriend, the one who died?” she clarifies, suddenly getting it.
I swallow hard. “I was in the car. That’s where my scars come from.”
Mila’s eyes flick to my arm and the pattern of scars across my left bicep as her hand pushes up my t-shirt, her eyes now running over the scars on my chest and torso. “It must have been a bad accident,” she whispers, her fingers moving across my chest, her touch so soft I can barely feel it.
“Yeah,” I choke out. “It was.”
“You were badly hurt?” she asks, even though my scars are proof of that.
“I was,” I continue. “But obviously, she was…she was much worse.”
“I’m so sorry, Adam,” she whispers, leaning in to kiss me, her sympathy so much more than what I deserve right now. “I can see why what happened to us would’ve freaked you out. It makes sense now.”
I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished speaking. “It wasn’t the accident,” I tell her. “I mean, yeah that was fucked and obviously it did mess me up, much more than I thought,” I say. “But it wasn’t…” I pause, swallowing hard. “It wasn’t the only thing.”
Mila’s brows narrow as she looks down at me, her beautiful brown eyes searching mine, looking for some kind of explanation.
I blink slowly, wishing I could somehow magically transfer all of this information to her just so I didn’t have to say it out loud.
“Back when you and I first got together,” I say, not missing the confused look she gives me at my apparent change in direction. “I told you it had been a really long time for me. That I didn’t bring girls home or whatever else it was you thought I did.” Mila opens her mouth to say something, but I press a finger to her lips, stopping her. “Before you, I…I hadn’t been with anyone since her.”
“What?” she breathes out.
I shake my head. “You’re the first person I’ve been with, the first person I’ve even wanted to be with since her.”
“Why?” she blurts.
A small smile tugs at my mouth as I stare up at her. “Because you’re fucking amazing, Mila,” I tell her. “You are everything I was missing, everything I was searching for when I didn’t even know I was looking. When I thought all I was doing was running, you are what stopped me. You make me feel alive, Mila, for the first time in a really fucking long time.”
Her face softens now as she leans in to kiss me. “You are that for me too.”
I kiss her again, savoring her for just a minute before I have to continue. “Rachel was pregnant when she died,” I say, hearing the gasp fall from Mila’s mouth. “We knew she was. It wasn’t planned, but we were both okay with it, we wanted it.”
My eyes close as my mind travels back to the day she found out she was pregnant, the nervous way she told me even though I knew deep down she was excited about having a baby. I was too, even if it was a little sooner than we’d planned given we had dreams to travel and do stuff that wouldn’t be as easy with a baby in tow.
“When they took us to the hospital that night, I insisted on going in the ambulance with her. I mean I was a fucking mess, injured and in so much pain. There was blood everywhere and I knew they didn’t want me to go with her. But I had to, she was so much worse than me.”
“Adam,” Mila whispers, her hand brushing against my wet cheek again. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“Yeah, I do,” I say, my voice hoarse. “I tried to save her. I really did. I kept telling them she was pregnant, but they weren’t listening, they weren’t—” I pause, sucking in a deep breath, my lungs tight as though they are wrapped in a vice. “There was so much blood, but I was drunk and messed up and…shit, I couldn’t… I couldn’t save her, and I couldn’t save
the baby either.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says quickly, her words filled with sympathy as she leans down to kiss my cheeks. “You couldn’t have—”
“The way they said it,” I continue, cutting her off as the tears stream down my cheeks now, “that she’d obviously miscarried, but that wasn’t their concern right now. It was like…like they didn’t give a shit about it. About the fact we’d just lost a baby.”
Mila brushes my hair back, her gaze never leaving me as she looks at me with so much sympathy, it hurts. “That must have been awful,” she whispers.
“She was driving,” I add. “I was too drunk and because she was pregnant, she drove. If I hadn’t been drunk, maybe I wouldn’t have fallen asleep. Maybe I would’ve noticed the arsehole who blew through the stop sign, crashing into the driver’s side of the car. Maybe I would’ve been able to fucking save both of them as she lay there, twisted and broken and slowly bleeding to death as she lost our baby.”
“Adam,” Mila cries, burying her face in my neck as she tries to wrap herself around me as much as she can. “I’m so sorry.” She holds me against her, her arms wrapped around me as she buries her face against my skin. “So sorry you had to go through that. So sorry that you’ve been carrying this around with you for so long.” She pauses, kissing my neck, my jaw, my cheeks and my mouth.
I don’t deserve her or her sympathy, but she’s giving it to me anyway, instantly forgiving me for being a complete arsehole to her when we had our accident. Because even though I tried to help Mila that night, I didn’t stick around at the hospital. At the mention of one word, I freaked out and I ran, leaving her to wonder what the fuck was going on as she lay there hurting from all her injuries.
“It’s not your fault,” she whispers, her words punctuated by soft kisses on my lips. “I get it, I really do. I promise it’s okay.”
I shake my head, knowing even now that she still doesn’t know the full story. “That’s not everything, Mila,” I say.