Where I End

by Michelle Dare

  I keep my tone gentle, reassuring. "Positive. Look at me, Cy."

  He pulls back and I see so much hurt in his eyes. Hurt over the possibility of harming me. Hurt at thinking he shouldn’t be the way he is. I cup his cheek in my hand and rub my thumb over his skin. "You are everything I want and you gave me so much pleasure. You felt so good inside me. So right. Always be yourself with me. I don't want you any other way. You are perfect to me."

  He shakes his head. "No, I'm fucking broken, Evie. I'm a damn mess. I wish I weren't. I want to be what you need, but I don't think I can be."

  "You already are."

  I kiss him gently, without rush. I try to show him with my lips and hands how much I cherish this time with him. How I'm not judging him, or thinking any differently of him, after everything we just experienced. He's mine. Every broken piece.

  He returns my kiss, but it's with none of the same heat we just had. He's unsure, and no matter how much I try to coax him, he's not as responsive. Still naked, I stand and collect my clothes. He doesn't move but watches me intently. I grab his clothes then reach for his hand. To my surprise, he takes it. We go through the house toward the bedrooms. I have no idea whose is whose until I find one with laptops stacked up on a desk. This is his. Has to be. I deposit our clothes on the floor near the bed then lead him into the attached bathroom. I don't want to lose our connection, and I'm afraid he’s slipping through my fingers. I can't let him retreat, or feel as if he did something wrong, when he didn't even come close to doing so.

  He doesn't release my hand but holds onto me as I turn the shower on and get the water warm. I leave the light off in the bathroom since the blinds are still raised over the window. The last remaining rays of the sun are dipping down and giving us enough light to see one another.

  The bathroom is huge, with a shower big enough for four. I've seriously never seen anything like it. The walls of the shower are large grey tile, while the floor is made from varying shades of black and grey pebbles. There are two rain showerheads and others that spray from the walls. I only turn on the top. I don't need all that crazy shit to enjoy this time with him. I want to focus on him, not the fancy shower.

  Stepping inside, I tug him behind me. He comes without question, for which I'm grateful. The shower is well-stocked with shampoo, conditioner, body wash, a bar of soap, and a razor. I forgo the washcloth and shower pouf and squirt a small amount of body wash in my hands. I lather it up and proceed to wash the wide expanse of Cy's back. His muscles tense under my touch, but I continue. I wash down his rock-hard ass, up every ridge of his abs and to his chest. He doesn't smile, doesn't hint at any emotion, but he also doesn't take his eyes off me. I wash down each arm, paying special attention to his fingers. I love his hands. Just remembering the ways they drove me wild causes me to press my legs together. Then I drop to my knees before him.

  With steady hands, I wash him from his toes all the way up to his hips. I then move to his now hard dick. God, I want him again, but I'm going to take it slow, and it's going to be about him. I start at the base and wash him to the tip. The water from the shower beats down over us, rinsing the soap away. I begin to stroke him, my other hand on his thigh. It flexes beneath my palm, the only indication he's enjoying what I'm doing. I glance up and find his eyes trained on me. I hold them as I lean forward and take him into my mouth. His reaction is instant. His eyes shut, and his hand lands on the back of my head. He's not pushing me but holding me gently. I close my eyes as well and concentrate on taking him to the back of my throat, while my hand strokes the remaining length I'm unable to take. Drops of pre-cum hit my tongue. I pull back and swirl it around his tip, collecting every bit. He moans, his other hand pressing to my head as well.

  I begin to work him fast as I provide suction as well. It's a matter of moments before he stills my head, not letting me continue as he tries to hold off his impending release. Both of my hands wrap around to the backs of his thighs to pull him toward me. I want him to set the pace. I want him to fuck me the way he wants.

  He starts slow, and I know it's because he's trying to be gentle with me. I help along the way, pushing and pulling by using my hands on his thighs. His thrusts increase. He's moving fast, but I take as much of him as I can. Luckily, he's not choking me. He knows when to stop and pull back before pushing in again. Then he removes himself completely from my lips. He strokes himself as I open my mouth, wanting him on my tongue. I look up at him and he's so gone with lust. He's fucking gorgeous as he pumps his dick. Drops from the shower hit my face, then, it’s more than water hitting me. He's coming, and I can't help but reach down and rub myself.

  His hand braces on the wall as I lick my lips and swallow what he gives me. He looks down again and traces his finger along my face. He notices where my hand is and drops to the floor so we're level. Thankfully, the pebbles are smooth beneath my knees.

  He nudges aside my hand from between my thighs. "Stand up, Evie," he says with a deep, husky voice.

  I brace my hands on his shoulders to lift myself up. Suddenly, I feel very exposed in front of him, like he's looking at my every flaw. I'm slender but still have curves. I'm not stick thin like the other women he's been with. Out on the deck, none of this bothered me. It was only us, and it was fast and rough. But this is different. I wrap my hands over my stomach to try to cover myself, but Cy brushes them away.

  "Never hide," he says as he feathers his lips over my lower stomach. "You're so beautiful," he murmurs.

  Cy kisses lower until he's on the very spot I want him most. He parts me and sweeps his tongue over my clit, causing me to cry out at the sensation and hold on to him for fear of falling over.

  His hands cup my ass to hold me in place as he shows me attention like I've never had before. Sure, men have gone down on me, but it's never felt this good. Never been done with so much care.

  One of his hands moves from my hip so he can enter me: one finger, then two. He starts pushing them in and out while his tongue continues to drive me wild. My orgasm rushes through me with a force I can't contain. I tremble against him, cries of pleasure leaving my lips. He doesn't let up. He keeps me riding the wave until I finally pull his head away, unable to take it any longer.

  The sun has almost fully set, the room bathed in darkness. My eyes have adjusted, still able to see Cy on the pebbled floor before me.

  He stands and immediately finds my mouth. Our tongues touch, mingling our tastes. A barrage of emotions hit me. Tears prick my eyes, and I try my best to hide them, hoping the shower helps. When I open them to look at Cy, our foreheads now resting on one another, I see the same things play across his face: trust that neither of us thought possible, adoration, lust, and something I'm not even close to being ready to admit to—love. Cy has come into my life again as fast as a storm rolls in, but as the storm eventually leaves, I'm holding on for dear life in hopes of never being left behind.

  He takes the body wash in his hand and cleans me from my neck to my toes. Nothing is sexual about it this time. It's him caring for me. Showing me he's not just in this for sex. We each wash our hair then rinse off.

  We step out of the shower and dry off. There's silence between us, but it's not awkward. Then I realize all my clothes are in a bag in his truck. I have nothing in his bedroom except what I had on before, so I hold the towel to myself, not sure what to do. Cy notices, of course. He leaves the room and comes back in with one of his t-shirts. I place it over my head, holding it to my nose to inhale the scent so unique to him. He pauses putting his shorts on to watch me. God, I'm such an idiot. I didn't even try to be subtle with that. I hide my face in my hands in embarrassment.

  His fingers pull them away. "I like what you just did. Every time I bury my face in your hair or neck, I let your scent wrap around me. You have no idea what you do to me, Evie."

  Looking up into his eyes, I say, "I have a pretty good one."

  Fifteen

  Cy

  This woman. Every little thing she does slays me. Even now,
sitting on my bed with her in my arms as we watch some stupid movie, I don't know how I got so lucky.

  I'm propped up against the cherrywood of the headboard with her tucked against my side. Her head is resting on my chest; one of her legs is draped over mine as I rub her back. We haven't said much. In fact, I haven't said anything since we left the bathroom. I climbed into bed and brought her with me.

  There's no keeping out the thoughts of what happened earlier on the deck. I was too rough with her. I shouldn’t have pulled her hair like I did or smacked her on the ass. She said it was fine, but was it? Yes, she's told me she'll be honest, but maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I had to refrain from hurting her in the shower, and it took everything in me not to. I wanted to fuck her mouth so hard. The way her sweet lips wrapped around my dick was so damn good. When I pulled out, I didn’t expect her to open her mouth. I'll never forget the sight of her on her knees before me as I let go on her tongue. All that holding back from pushing in too hard was worth it for the end result. My hand forms a fist with the shirt on her back. She tightens her hold on me.

  "I'm not letting go," she says.

  "I don't want you to." I take a deep breath and release it. "I'm not going to be easy to deal with. I'll try to push you away to save you from the pain. I don't want to suck you down into my world, Evie. It's a dark place."

  She lifts her head. "I can bring the light with me."

  "You're too good for me."

  "No. It's the other way around. You don't see yourself like I do. You don't see how amazing you are. You have so much to offer the right person, Cy. I'm only grateful I can be her for now." She rests her head back down on me.

  "For always."

  "You don't know that." She stays facing straight ahead. "We've only just begun dating. It's all new. Who knows what's going to happen down the road?"

  "I've known you for ten years, Evie. Us being a couple might be new, but my feelings for you have never changed. It might have looked like I hated you in high school, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. I craved seeing you every day. I was full of raw energy until I did. I was a stupid kid who didn't want his friends to see him crushing hard on a girl. I let them lead me toward the popular girls. I was so fucking off course."

  "I doubt they led you anywhere. It always seemed like you were the one they followed."

  "I wanted to be liked. I wanted the attention. People noticed me; they wanted to be my friend. I was a different person in school than I was at home. Hell, I was different on the outside than I was on the inside. It's no excuse. If I could, I would turn back the clock and change everything. I would never have treated you like I did."

  She sits up to face me. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend the words you said to me back then didn't hurt, or that your actions were easily brushed off. I doubted myself all through high school. The only thing I had was decent grades, and Tasha, but we know what happened with her. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, it fucking sucked, but it was nothing compared to what you were going through." She leans forward and places her hand over my heart. "What I now know about you, God, you're amazing. Your heart is good, Cy. You care about others, even if you won't admit it. You're this man who had been dealt the shittiest card as a teenager, and now you're changing things. You're opening up to me and telling me how you feel. You're showing me there is this whole other side of you I never knew existed until that morning at your house."

  "Am I changing, or do you just want to see the small amount of good in me? I fucking hurt you for years, Evie. As much as I care about you, I still fucking end up hurting you. Pain is pain, whether it's verbal or physical."

  "Stop," she says harshly. "You don't get to tell me when I feel pain. What happened on the deck was nothing. It was both of us lost in the moment. I would have stopped you if you were truly hurting me. Did you ever think that maybe I liked it, too? That I liked you being rough with me?" I shake my head. No way can she want the kind of pain I could give her. I get off on the rough shit. The realization is what triggered my meltdown at her apartment door. All those other women, I don’t even remember how I was like with them. I would drink as a teenager. Most of them were fucked in a drunken haze.

  "If I don't want you to do something, I'll tell you," she continues. "Believe me when I say, I have no problem speaking my mind. I'm not a quiet, sit in the corner, and take everyone's bullshit, kind of girl anymore. I'm strong, Cy. I can take what you give me."

  "I fucking hope so, because I'm a ticking time bomb of fucked-up emotions and zero faith in myself. I'm going to be constantly worried about fucking things up with you. I'm going to worry about you wanting someone else. That I'm not good enough for you." I clamp my mouth shut. I didn't mean for all of that to come out. Shit.

  "You don't think I doubt myself? That I don't wish I was prettier or had more friends? You think I don't sit around and wonder what I did wrong to lead such an isolated life? I go to work and come home. That's it. That's all of my excitement. Going on a date with Finn was the biggest step I'd taken in a long time. I keep to myself. I'm a fucking hermit. And every time I see a beautiful woman look at you, I'm going to wonder if you'd rather be with her than me."

  I palm the back of her neck and bring her close to me but keep our faces apart. "How could you think I'd ever want someone more than you? All those women I would bring home every night; you know why they were there? It wasn't because I was in love with them. I didn't even like them. It was a defense mechanism––a way to bury my feelings with sex and keep Everett away. I thought about you all the time, Evie. Every motherfucking day. No woman will ever be able to hold a candle to you."

  "I...I don't know what to say."

  Instead of responding, I bring my lips to hers in a punishing kiss. My tongue sweeps through her sweet lips to explore her mouth. I want her to know I meant every word I said. I should keep pushing her away, but how can I do that when she has become the best addiction of my life? The one thing that won't make me worse, only better.

  We break apart, both breathing heavily, wanting so much more but neither initiating. Maybe it's for the best. I don't want her to think I'm only after sex. Yes, I want to fuck her all night long, but I crave so much more than that. I want her words and her actions. I need to know I'm not just a charity case. Someone she is with out of pity. Although, in the back of my head, I know that's a lie. Insecurity isn't rational, though. It fucks with you to the point you start doubting everything good. Fun fucking times for sure.

  Evie rests her head back on my chest as we continue to watch who knows what on television. My eyes start to feel heavy, the weight of everything that happened today finally taking its toll on me. I try to fight sleep; afraid I'll have another nightmare with Evie in it. With her in my arms, I fear she'll be in my dreams, and I'm not lucky enough to have a good one. No, that's not my life. Her hands tightening around my waist are the last thing I feel before I let sleep pull me under.

  ****

  Having Evie in my bed is better than anything I could have imagined. I've wanted her here for so long. I grip her around the waist and bury my face into her neck to inhale her sweet scent. She stirs but continues to sleep soundly in my arms.

  There's a knock on my door. My body instantly tenses up as my eyes open wide. I'm in my home—my childhood room. No, this can't be happening. She shouldn't be here. Not in my mother's house, not where he lives.

  "You know the rules, Cy. No locked doors in my house." In his house. It was never his house. It was my mother’s and father's house. He's only here because she allows him to be. Although, why, I don't know. There isn't an ounce of good anywhere in him.

  His fist begins to pound heavily on the door. "If you don't unlock this door right now, I'm kicking it open."

  I shake Evie gently and whisper, "You have to get out of here. Please, Evie." I don't want Everett to hear I have someone in my room. Even though he's left me alone in the past when I've had women over, he also never looked at them the way he did at Evie. />
  She sits up and rubs her eyes. "What's going on?"

  "It's Everett. You have to go out the window."

  "I'm not climbing out a window.” He knocks again. “I'm also not afraid of him.” She stands up and goes to my closet. With the light turned on, she starts pushing my clothing aside, looking for something. "Don't you have a bat in here?" A bat? Yeah, I do, but why does she want one?

  I stand and rush to the closet. "Please, you have to leave. He’ll want to touch you. Don't you understand that? I need you to go."

  She spins with an aluminum bat in her hands as a grin appears on her face. "This will do just fine."

  "What are you doing?"

  "I'm not letting him touch you again, Cy. If he steps one foot into this room, I'm beating him upside the head with this."

  "You can't do that. He'll call the cops on you."

  She puts her free hand on her hip. "And say what? That I hit him in the head before he could sexually assault you or me? No, he won't be calling anyone."

  Panic has my heart racing and my palms sweating. "I don't want you here, Evie. Please." He might leave her alone. What if he does and comes for me? I don't want her to see that. What would she think if she saw him have his way with me? If she saw how I don't even put up a fight against him anymore? There's no use. No matter how strong I got, he always overpowered me. He could tie me up and go for her. Bile rises in my throat as the thought of him putting his hands on her floods my mind.

  Then the door flies open, pieces of splintered wood going in all directions. "I told you I'd kick the fucking thing open," Everett sneers. Then his eyes land on Evie. "Well, well, well. What do we have here? Did you bring me a gift, Cy? That's not like you. But who am I to resist such an offering?"

  I quickly place myself in front of Evie, my arms spread wide as my hands shake to make sure she stays behind me. "You're not going to touch her," I barely get out. My voice is shaking as badly as my hands.