by Sposs, Mike
"The McCanns? Good thing I didn't stop there and run into her," Kevin replied, as what Pat had just said registered with him fully.
"Yeah, your white ass wouldn't have made it out of there alive if you went in and made a spectacle with her in that place," Patrica said.
"You know the cops could question people all night long, and everyone would say they never saw a thing, either," Kevin said.
"You are the same way. You don't trust cops too much yourself," Pat said.
"You are right about that. I don't trust them. I don't like nuns or priests either. You can say I have a problem with authority if you want. But think about it, I had no problem with military discipline. I thrived under it, actually. It turns out, Willie did, too. The big difference was the levels of hypocrisy in the military were so much less," Kevin said.
17. Finding Matt
Kevin turned onto another street suddenly. "Should we look and see if Matt is out and about this morning?" he asked.
"Why not?"Pat said.
They cruised a couple of places and were about to give up when they spotted him setting up his panhandling shop for the day. Kevin eased into a parking space on the street. The meters were free on Saturdays, and the crowds hadn't arrived for the day yet. Kevin and Pat got out of the car and walked up to Matt. He spotted them right away.
Matt waved to Pat and reached out a hand to Kevin. "Long time no see. I thought you moved down South or something," he said.
They talked a little bit. Matt seemed to have all his senses about him today. His clothes were cleaner. Just a little twitchy. He didn't seem to remember that Kevin had tried to talk to him just a few days earlier.
"I just got out of the tank," he said.
"Yeah, I know that Matt. I was there when the cops picked you up," Kevin said.
"Oh, I don't remember that part. I do remember I owe my dealer some money. Can you give me any?" asked Matt.
"Matt, we won't give you money for drugs. You need to get and stay straight. If you want, we will take you over to the VA right now and get you some help. Aren't you tired of living like this? I hate to see you like this. I know that," Kevin said.
"I have tried that route before. It don't work for me. Will you sell me a gun? I saw you had a gun one time. You tackled the guy with the knife and Willie clubbed him. You had a gun then," Matt said out of the blue.
Kevin glanced at Pat nervously. He doubted if she had ever heard this before. He knew she wouldn't like hearing it, either. She looked aghast. Kevin never told anyone besides Willie that he was sometimes armed in the neighborhood. He wondered how many people knew it, and he wondered how Matt knew it. Kevin had been outed, but he wasn't going to lie about it or deny it.
"There is no way I would sell you a gun Matt. I know you must get in trouble with drug dealers at times. I would be an idiot to do that though. It is one more reason to change course. Think about it. I will be back here tomorrow to hound you again, and the next day, and the next ones after that too," Kevin said.
Pat tried talking to him too. "We care about you Matt, why don't you come with us?" she said.
Matt refused steadfastly. After a while, Kevin started to back away slowly, still hopeful.
"We will see you tomorrow, and buy you breakfast," Pat said.
Then Kevin and Patrica walked away leaving Matt staring at them as they went. Neither one said anything as they got back in the truck and pulled away from the curb. Kevin glanced nervously at Pat. She looked at him expectantly. "What was the gun thing all about?" she asked.
Kevin told her that story too. "That is the second time the story has come up in the past few days. Janet said that Willie thinks I may have saved his life that time," he concluded.
"What were you doing with a gun?" she asked.
"Do you remember what happened to us? I hit a guy with a folding chair for disrespecting you. He ended up getting stitches. His friends had a hard on for me, and for you, too. The girl that tripped you when you were playing basketball in the girls’ gym a couple of weeks later was his cousin. You ended up on crutches for about three months. I wasn't about to get caught out in the open by a bunch of older guys looking to fuck me up. I was on their list, too. Like a dummy, I went to the Sporting Goods place on the edge of town and talked the store owner, who wasn't all that bright, into selling me a 9mm Spanish Civil War semi-auto. It cost me 20 bucks. In those days, the guy sold guns to everyone. He had the best selection of nickel plated 32 caliber revolvers with pearly handles you ever saw. You know who he was selling them to," Kevin said.
"I didn't know she was his cousin. I thought it was about something else," Pat said.
"Well that girl was his cousin. Remember, he was way older and bigger than me. I don't know that I was that bright either. The trouble with semi-autos is that they throw brass all over a shooting scene. The gun was probably traceable and the brass could be linked to the gun by a good police crime lab. My dad found the gun at my house one day and took it away from me," Kevin said.
"Then, when you were on crutches, you gained about twenty pounds; about half of it went to your chest, the other half went to your butt. Talk about a bust developer! All the sudden, you were a hot commodity and every boy in school was drooling over you," Kevin said.
"I never realized I was having that effect on all these males. I always thought that they thought I was easy for some reason," she said.
"You will recall I did start to notice your transformation too. I tried to get something going with you, but you didn't want any part of it," Kevin said.
"I remember the look on your face when you went grabbed the chair, your eyes were black with rage. An adolescent male with that kind of temper and a gun would be a prescription for disaster," Pat said.
"I was out of control most of my adolescence. That is why I feel such gratitude towards you for keeping me in check, and I will admit it, keeping me at bay too," Kevin said.
"Did you go around telling your friends that you were getting laid every night with me? Is that why everyone assumed I was easy. I deserve to know!" said Pat.
"Believe me Pat, I never did that. Occasionally, some of the guys would ask if I was getting in your pants. I am not the kind to Kiss & Tell as Bogart would say. I never said I did, not once. For one thing, it wasn't true. The other part of it was that I didn't want to ruin a friendship that I valued by spreading rumors like that," Kevin said emphatically.
"Your big problem with the stupidity of carrying a gun is that it was a semi auto and threw brass all over? The correct answer is that you could have shot someone and messed up your life. That is what I mean about not understanding you. Even now, you don't seem to get how serious carrying a gun is!" reiterated Pat.
"Believe me, I get it. In that environment, I felt a need. I was just saying if I did it again, I would make sure I had an untraceable revolver and not a semi auto from a crime detection standpoint. Part of your problem is that you are afraid of guns. I am cocky enough to think I could get away with shooting someone if I had to," said Kevin.
"There is that attitude that will get you eventually," Pat said.
"Relax! I am not going to shoot anyone that was like a decade ago," said Kevin.
"Do you think his dealer would really harm him over a fifty buck debt?" she asked.
"They are not nice people; I know that. Somehow, they must figure he's good for it. Remember, Matt is a survivor, and he has a surprising amount of wits about him despite all the harm he's done himself. I wonder if I could at least talk him into going to the VA for a physical and some dental work," Kevin said.
"Regardless of how this turns out, you can always know that you tried to get him some help," she said reassuringly.
"We both know that you don't always get fairytale results in life," Kevin said.
18. The Revelation
Kevin and Pat talked more about Matt as they rode. They decided it wasn't going to work to just jump him and suggest that he go to treatment somewhere. They needed to establish a rapport
, see what his real problems were and find some common ground if they could. In short, Kevin blew it with his naive direct approach.
Kevin thought about mentioning his experiences hauling munitions and explosives. Matt could relate better since both situations involved being in closed-in spaces and being scared. Maybe, just maybe, if they got him to go in for dental work at least, and got him talking, they could get him to seek further help.
"Kevin, you have become a regular Southern Redneck with your old pickup, and eating at greasy spoon joints. Was it grits, biscuits, and gravy you had? I suppose if I turn on the radio, it will be on a Country Western station. Where is your easy rider rifle rack? I know now you are a closet firearms carrying guy. One that thinks a semi auto is bad to use to shoot someone since it throws brass all over the place," Pat needled Kevin.
"Tell you what. I am just going to take a big chaw of tobacco and ignore all that you just said right there," Kevin drawled.
"There are things I am learning about you I never had a clue about," she said giving him a long look.
"The South is wearing off on me, I will admit it. They know how to live down there," said Kevin.
Then he told her more about the South. All the good old boys he worked with and the little Baptist church in every town. Each one with a choir where most of Motown got its singers from. Where people like Ronald White came up with the opening guitar riff of My Girl as a variation of an old gospel opener. Perfect pentatonic scales, five notes. He told her about southern singers with “corn bread in their voices”, like David Ruffin, and Wilson Pickett. Ruffin's voice was so good Norman Whitfield wrote songs for his voice specifically on more than one occasion. He told her about how good Southern cooking was, and Carolina BBQ. How sweet spring was in the South and how mild the winters were. He told her how isolated the barrier islands had been until developers discovered them. How isolated the Gullah were when they lived there. Kevin mentioned the Pat Conroy book, The Water is Wide and about his first year of teaching in an island school. Then he offered to take her to Hilton Head when winter break came.
"I drove mom down to Shipyard Plantation when she moved. The last stretch is through these winding wooded and swampy roads. We had been driving for hours. We pulled in to get gas. There are these old black guys sitting on lawn chairs in front of the place. Mom jumps out of the car and she is like the crazy white Yankee bitch from hell trying to get these guys going to pump the gas. They moved like molasses. She grabs the nozzle & starts to do it herself. They were looking at her like she was a she-devil. Then, she opens her mouth and out comes the Southern accent. Then, they are really puzzled. They still don't move any faster. They have one speed and it ain't fast. We could stay with my mom and do day trips from there. My favorite place is Jekyll Island. When you get down there, you feel like you are on the edge of nowhere,” he said.
"You make it sound like going back in time. I kind of like that concept," she said, mulling it over.
They rode the rest of the way to the apartment in silence. It took all of five minutes to get the boxes up the elevator and into the apartment. Once there, Pat unpacked some of the boxes and some of her music. Then, she turned to Kevin with a serious look.
"Kevin, we have to talk," she said. She unpacked one more box and pulled out a scrapbook. She came over to him with trembling hands and placed the book in his lap. She opened it carefully. The page she had opened the book to contained a faded picture of a light skinned man of mixed black & white heritage.
"That man was my dad, Dwayne Washington. Did it ever occur to you that I am mixed?" she said.
Kevin looked at her in total surprise. "It never crossed my mind in 15 years of knowing you. It doesn't change how I feel about you though."
He looked closely at the picture, then at Pat. He started to say something. She held up a hand to stop him. "Hear me out. I need to get all this out in the open and off my chest," she said firmly.
Then she proceeded to tell Kevin her long kept secret. She was born practically out of wedlock. Her mom's people had disowned her mother for two reasons: divorce and a black father. Her dad had skipped town and left Hannah high and dry once he learned of the pregnancy. She grew up without a father, but it was worse than that. She grew with nobody she could relate to either. She was called Zebra & Oreo in grade school, and ostracized. She didn't fit in with either blacks or whites. She always felt marginalized. The "just one drop" rule was in effect but the blacks didn't really accept her either. She grew up detesting black people and then white people too. She felt like an afterthought at best. Her mom could know about not fitting in only to half the extent that Pat felt it.
"I never tried to fool you about myself Kevin. Believe me, please. Both of us have seen people that try to pass by dyeing their hair, straightening it, and all that. That wasn't me. I wanted to just be me. That's all! I wanted you to like me for who I was. About two-thirds of everyone that looks at me can spot my heritage right away. The other third don't see it, or are too polite to ask about it. I have come to realize you just saw me. I liked that you were color blind. I was unable to tell you, I liked that I was a person to you. Remember, that I was raised by a white lady so my perspective is that of a white girl largely. You accepted me without question for who I was. But, of course the boy I liked had a mother from the deep south that still says cain't instead of can't. His initials are KKK to boot. Now you are pitching me to go meet her in a state where interracial marriages are illegal," she said.
"I have been so conflicted about you for so long. You would get in these black white fights that made me think you were as bad as everyone else. I still can't figure you out. I do regret not having the trust in you to tell you my story. I hope it is not too late to make it right," she said.
Then, she went on to say that one thing she definitely was not going to do was have a bastard child. There was no way she would let that happen to her. She said Kevin's initial interest in her budding body scared and panicked her, besides pleasing her.
"Now you are back in my life, and I am scared all over again. I know I have been unfair to you. I just don't want the secrets anymore," she said.
"I don't know how I missed all this, I really don't. I feel like the dumbest clown in the world. Maybe, when you are in love at any early enough age, you really are color blind," was all Kevin could stammer out.
"You mentioned about me being tripped on the basketball court today. I always assumed the girl tripped me because she didn't like light-skinned black girls. You tell me now it was because she was related to the guy that called me those names. I don't know what the truth is. I know just as the black girls didn't accept me, the white girl girls didn't want me around their men, either. Almost all the boys, black or white, viewed me as a night of fun, not a person. When you got interested in me, I thought you had the same intentions. I did like how you wouldn't give up your friendship with me when different would-be girlfriends wanted you to. The loyalty or maybe it was your obsession slowly won me over," she said with a soft smile.
"I never had a loving relationship with a dad, or some man I could trust other than you; and it turns out I didn't trust you enough to be honest. You should know that after you quit writing to me, my esteem was totally crushed. I was mad at you, and mad at myself for not having the guts to talk with you candidly,” she said.
Kevin put his arm around her as she gritted back tears. "I am sick of crying about things I can't do anything about; it's so pointless," she said.
"I know you say it doesn't matter now. But will you wake up tomorrow and have second thoughts about that? You can't know it for sure. I just know that I have to tell you, and let the chips fall where they may," Pat said with determination.
"Pat, no relationship comes with 100% guarantees. I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so bear with me. When I have a question, I will ask. Right now, it doesn't matter to me, it just doesn't. I don't think it will matter to me tomorrow, either. It makes sense that loyalty from a man would be a big deal wit
h you after all you have been through. Believe it, I am that man," Kevin said with frightening intensity.
"When people find out you are bi-racial, they sometimes ask the most fucked up questions. I hate that," she said.
"My questions won't be insensitive. They will just be stupid, I suppose. Remember who you are talking to," Kevin said with a small smile.
"Thank you for hearing me out, Kevin. Now, for something else you have never heard from me before. I love you. I have loved you for a long time. That is why I had that picture up there on my dresser for all these years. Regardless of how this goes, you will always be a special person in my life with a special place in my heart. I hope you don't have trouble processing that," she said.
19. Finally
They kissed slowly and tentatively. Then, more fervently. Finally, Pat took Kevin's hand and led him to the bedroom. Once there, she turned her back to him and peeled off her clothes. Kevin marveled at how exquisite her back and butt were. When she turned to face him, he put his arms around her stunning body and kissed her deeply. Then, he started at the nipples and tried to cover her from head to toe with kisses. She started to work on removing his clothes.
Neither one of them was in a hurry. Kevin wasn't sure he was ever going to have her again. He wanted it to last and last. Pat must have felt the same. She was not rushing it, either. Once all the clothes were off, they really started to get serious.
Two hours later, they were napping contentedly intertwined in the nude. They just lay there as the endorphin euphoria washed through them. They both agreed it was the best spent Saturday afternoon they ever had. Finally, they decided to get up and take a shower together. They made it as hot as they could stand. They soaped each other up and rinsed each other off several times. They were both totally relaxed when they climbed out of the shower. It was as though they had washed the barriers between them away.