by KL Donn
The loss of the ability to bear children seems so small compared to the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t make swallowing the pill any easier, though. I love children and their zest for life. The creativity from their intelligent minds is something that’s fascinated me. I have always wanted a dozen of them for myself.
Adoption is a viable option, I know. There are millions of children in need of a loving parent or two. I haven’t scraped it off the table yet. I’ve just always had a plan. I’ve daydreamed of the beautiful wedding with a man wholly devoted to us; one I could share all my quirks with. A man who wanted as many children as me. One who would accept my eager womb.
Now?
Now, I feel like it’s a pipe dream.
Doing the parenting thing alone was never a vision of mine. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
So, why are you on a date, Ari?
Good question.
I watch Arsen as he watches me, and I can see the wheels turning in his head. He’s wondering why I’m so quiet. Why I probably look like I’ve been sucking on a lemon. How do I tell a man who could be everything the right woman could want or need that I’m defective? Broken?
He’s got a virile masculinity about him. His sexuality oozes from him like mating heat from a wolf. Which is exactly how he’s looking at me. Predatorily. Possessively.
It isn’t until our food is brought to the table that I break free of my inner thoughts. The smell of perfectly cooked smoked bacon and fresh bread catching me off guard, and I let loose a small moan of pleasure.
“Christ, woman,” Arsen groans, and I blush again. Burying myself in what I can now see is a huge turkey, bacon club sandwich with the crispiest sweet potato fries I’ve ever seen on the side.
Chapter Four
Arsen
Heaven have mercy, this woman is going to be the death of me. Watching Marina eat and enjoy her food is enough of a seductive move that I barely get through my own dinner. We don’t talk much, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I want her something fierce. I want to bury myself so deeply between her luscious thighs I nearly choke on my food.
Marina is completely different from the ordinary women I meet. She isn’t pomp and primp; she’s earthy and real. Her eyes are so expressive that I can tell nearly everything she’s thinking. When she had spaced out before our dinner came, I could surmise her thoughts weren’t good. Something was making her sad, and I wanted to take her pain away. Before I could ask her what she was thinking, our food came, and I haven’t had an opportunity to ask her again.
Now, we’re on our way back to her house, and the cab of my truck is filled with silence. Not that awkward we’re never going to go out again silence. More of a comfortable quietness that neither of us feels the need to fill.
As I park in front of her apartment building, I shut my truck off and turn to her in the middle seat where I’ve pulled her again. “Do you have anything going on this weekend?” I can’t let her leave without making plans. I need to see her again.
“Oh, well, I’ve got some packing– “
“Packing?” Panic seizes my chest at the mention of her leaving. “Where are you going?”
“To my parents for a couple weeks. I haven’t spent much time with them since the accident.” She looks away.
Accident.
In the one word, there’s so much meaning inflected that I haven’t a clue about.
“What accident?” I can’t help the anxiety squeezing my heart. Fuck, she’s got me twisted.
Waving her hand like it’s not a big deal, she brushes it off. “From last year. They’re busy, and I haven’t seen much of them, so I thought I’d stay with them for a couple weeks this summer.”
“Can I see you tomorrow?” I need something set in stone with Marina, or I might turn into the creep that sits outside of her apartment waiting for the slightest glimpse of her.
“Tomorrow?” She frowns. “Well, I suppose.” She seems confused about my wanting to spend more time with her.
“Good.” I grin, opening my door and helping her down. I love her small size compared to my huge frame. I walk her to the door of her building with a hand possessively placed on her waist so that anyone watching knows she’s mine.
“Well, thank you for dinner.” Her gaze doesn’t meet mine.
“Marina.” My voice is barely recognizable to me. Cupping her face, I pull her chin up. I’m not leaving until I have another taste of her.
Her eyes shine brightly with unnamed emotion as my head lowers. Her breath exhales with warm puffs of air as our lips meet softly. I try to keep it easy. Not devour her.
If only she didn’t grip my shirt and let out a small moan.
I could have controlled myself better.
Stepping in to her, I crowd her against the door as I deepen the kiss. Licking at her lips, I take her where I want. I give her everything I’m feeling in that instant. And I want every-fucking-thing.
It takes her a second to join in on the fun, but when she does, her tongue comes out to meet mine, and I follow her retreat. Loving the taste of vanilla, mint, and cacao on her. She’s sweet and bitter. She’s fire and ice.
Marina is mine, all mine.
The way she gives herself to me as I keep on devouring her mouth. Grinding her hips into my body, gripping her tiny fists into my shirt. I know when we finally come together, things will be explosive.
“Arsen,” she gasps as I pull away and lay small kisses along her jaw up to her ear, nibbling on her flesh.
“Marina,” I groan, matching her need with my own.
A light turns on, slowly breaking its way through our fog. Reluctantly stepping back from her heated body, I watch as she licks her lips, savoring the taste of me on her tongue. Smirking, I take the keys from her hand and open the security door for her. She turns to me, intending to say goodnight, I’m sure, but I follow her in.
Climbing the stairs to the third floor, I’m not impressed with the lack of lighting in the stairwell and hallways. “Is it always this dark in here?” I gaze around, seeking out any spots that could turn potentially dangerous for her.
“Umm, I suppose. I’m not normally out this late.” I don’t know whether to be happy about her admission or sad for her.
“I don’t like it,” I grunt.
She laughs. “I couldn’t tell.”
Following her to the third door on the right, I hear shuffling from the entranceway across the hall, and my displeasure grows higher. I officially hate this fucking building.
Marina opens her door, and I get a quick look inside to see she lives in a small apartment not fit for someone like her. She deserves to have everything she can imagine.
“Arsen?” Her voice draws my attention. “Is everything okay?”
“Fine.” I don’t know how to tell her I’d rather that she come home with me without sounding like a control freak. “I’ll pick you up for lunch,” I say instead.
She nods as she steps over the threshold. “Goodnight, Arsen.” When she goes to close the door, I stop her.
Gripping the back of her head, I lay a deep kiss on her soft mouth, insuring that she thinks about me all night. Sweeping my tongue into her surprised mouth, it dances with hers. I’m enjoying each little mewl of delight as she catches her breath when I pull away.
“Goodnight, Marina,” I whisper against her pliant lips. “Lock the door.”
“Okay,” she breaths out.
I can’t suppress the smirk forming on my lips as she closes it, knowing I did that to her. I don’t leave until I hear the deadbolt slide into place. “Good girl,” I utter walking away.
Leaving Marina isn’t what I want to do, but more what I need to do for her. I get the sense she’s got some demons she’s hiding, and in order for me to help her heal, I need to earn her trust first.
Patience has never been one of my stronger suits. My younger brother Kol and I were always getting into trouble because of our need to get shit done. Thankfully, our parents had the patience of
saints. Ember, our sister, was an angel. Always quiet. I don’t know how she survived growing up with us. I think the significant age difference was the buffer.
With one last look towards Marina’s building, I pull away from the curb, regret burning a hole in my gut. I have no desire to be more than a foot away from my girl. The possessive feelings I’m having towards her are so unreal but feel so right. I like that she’s consuming me. Driving me to want more.
Instead of going home, I head into the precinct to finish up some case reports so I can have my entire weekend dedicated to Marina before she leaves for her parents’.
“Daniels,” the desk Sergeant greets me, “what the hell are you doing here?”
I can’t help my grin. “Got a busy weekend planned. Figured I’d get some paperwork done, so the boss isn’t hounding my ass.” Laughter follows me because he knows our captain will be all over me if I didn’t get shit on his desk bright and fucking early come Monday morning.
“Rod?” Now, this I am surprised about. My partner’s wife is expecting their first child, and he always wants to be at home.
“Hey, man.” He doesn’t look up from whatever is on his computer screen.
“What are you doing here, man?” I sit across from him. When we parted ways this afternoon, we had no active cases demanding our attention, and there have been no calls, so I know something’s up.
“Em isn’t herself. She’s moody and cranky, and I can’t get a moments peace.” He doesn’t sound like he minds any of it.
“So, what’s the problem?”
He does look at me then. “Her.” His scowl makes me laugh. “She’s pissed off at herself for being so bitchy—her words, not mine—and she kicked me out for the evening. Told me to go do guy things.” His expression deepens.
“This”—I wave my hand around the empty room—“isn’t exactly guy things.”
“No shit, Sherlock. But what the fuck else am I supposed to do? I don’t want to do guy things, they aren’t as fun as…well, let’s just say, pregnant sex is way better than we’re led to believe.”
I don’t know what the fuck to say. I’m jealous as hell that he has everything I want. A wife, a baby on the way. Love. I fucking want that. Marina’s soft laughter plays through my mind, and for the first time, I think I might have it within my reach.
Chapter Five
Marina
“Mother!” I gasp, utterly horrified at the words she’s speaking to me. Her daughter, her only child. She can’t say this stuff. Can she?
“Marina Parks, you need to get your freak on. A man to fullfil your desires. It’s fun. You’ll see, sweetheart.” I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone when it rang.
After my evening with Arsen, I woke up this morning still thinking about him. The way he held me close. Kissed me like he couldn’t breathe. When I answered the phone amidst my packing, I was breathless and caught off guard, so when Mom asked if I had met anyone, I caved like a kid in a freaking candy store.
“Mom…” I can’t help the whine in my voice.
“We want you happy again, Marina.” The sadness in her response breaks my heart.
“I can’t lead someone on like that.” It’s my biggest fear. Falling in love only to be rejected. Who could be expected to survive that? Not me.
“Sweetheart, when you meet the right man, he’ll accept you. All of you.”
“He won’t be expecting the world’s largest flaw, though.”
“Marina!” she admonishes me, pure anger lacing the single word. “You are not flawed. You are perfectly you.” Her nice way of saying, that yes, I am, in fact, damaged. “I don’t want to hear that talk again, young lady.”
“Sure, Mom.” It’s easier to just agree with her.
“Now tell me more about him. What’s his name? Is he tall? Handsome? What color are his eyes?”
“Geez, you already sound like a fan.” She laughs and waits. Sighing, I give in. “His name is Arsen Daniels, and he’s a detective. He’s very tall, dark, and mysterious.” I don’t even need to close my eyes to picture him right in front of me as I carry the garbage out, phone tucked between my neck and shoulder in that awkwardly kinky way. “He has these tattoos that run just under the collar of his shirt and peak out at his hands.”
“Oh my.” I can picture my mother fanning her face with one hand. She loves tattoos. Dad has none. Go figure. “Do you know what they are?”
“No. I’d like to find out, though.” My words are muffled as I toss the garbage in the bin.
Hands surround my waist making me freeze. “I’d love to show you,” is growled in my ear, and I tremble.
“Shit,” I whisper, mortified. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even think the reason I could picture him is that he is standing right there. I’m such an idiot.
“Marina? What’s wrong?” Mom’s panic is palpable.
“Nothing, Mom. I gotta go.” Hanging up, I stuff the phone in my back pocket. Mistake. Big mistake. The bulge I knock into definitely isn’t a belt. Or phone. Or anything but his erection. “Oh, don’t be real, don’t be real, please, don’t be real.” Closing my eyes, I turn around, and I can feel his body shaking with laughter as I open them. “You’re real.”
“All six feet three of me.”
Dropping my head forward, it lands on his chest. His very hard, solid, full of muscle chest. “So hard,” I mutter quietly.
“Indeed, I am,” is his seductive response.
I’m going to die of embarrassment before this day is over. I just know it. I can’t survive this. The heat in my cheeks alone should be scorching me straight down to hell.
“We gonna stand here all day, or…” His sentence hangs in the air, and I’m not entirely sure what to do with it, so I walk away. Back into my apartment.
The tiny, tiny home that has clothing strewn everywhere and personal things he shouldn’t be seeing, and oh my God, is that my bra hanging off the couch? Shit.
“I’d like to see you in that.” Arsen’s right behind me, reaching for the pure white lace. Rubbing the fabric between his fingers. From experience, I know it’s smooth as silk.
Instead of taking it away from him, I, the idiot I was born to be, say, “There are matching panties, too.”
His warm breath on the back of my neck sends shivers up my spine as his hands press into my exposed stomach. Why oh why did I wear this damn halter top today?
“Today is not my day,” I hiss, beyond frustrated with myself.
“It sure is mine.” He spins me around, lacing one hand in my hair, and the other—still holding my bra—cupping my neck as he brings his lips down upon mine. Unprepared and off my game, I melt into him.
My walls are down, the barriers gone, and Arsen takes complete control of me. Stealing my moans, grasping my last shred of sanity as I feel us falling onto the couch. He softens the landing by rolling us to the side. His tongue licks tenderly at the seam of my lips for entry. I try to hold off, I really do, but when he tugs my hair in his strong grip, I break. Gasping into his mouth, he sweeps in like he owns me.
And maybe…
Just maybe he does.
Maybe Arsen is exactly who I’ve been looking for. Maybe I shouldn’t be fighting him. Maybe I should be accepting everything he does to me with open arms. No other man has made me feel the way he does. No other man has broken past my defenses with a few well-spoken words and a deep rumble of laughter that makes my heart flutter like butterfly wings.
Until Arsen, I never gave a second thought to a life of love and passion.
Until Arsen, I thought I’d die alone.
“Let go, Marina,” he groans against my lips.
We want you happy again. My mother’s words play through my mind, and I do it. I let go. I give Arsen everything he’s looking for because I think he could be my happy.
Gripping his shirt, I pull him closer to me, loving the feel of his masculinity beneath my fingers. Feeling his muscles ripple with his need, a need for me, has me purring int
o his mouth.
“Good girl,” he says, and I preen. Hearing those two words melt me and tempt me to give into all his desires. I can feel myself getting ready for him, my womb tightening, my breath increasing with anticipation.
My chest fighting off the panic of not being good enough.
My mind screaming I’m broken.
My heart clenching with the fear of rejection.
“Breathe, Marina,” he mumbles in my ear, sensing my panic. “Relax.” He instructs like he knows what’s wrong. “I’ve got you.” His reassurance doesn’t have the desired effect because I know once he finds out, he’ll be gone. “Good girl,” Arsen whispers when I relax, and just like that, those two words have me melting into him. Again.
I don’t understand. Myself. My body. Him. None of this makes sense. I want Arsen. I want him as much as my next breath. Unfortunately, this damn fear holds me back. I must tell him before anything happens, but I don’t know how.
How to say the words.
How to accept his inevitable dismissal of me.
How to move on.
Some days, I really hate being a woman. Today is the worst day yet.
Arsen
I can feel the shift in her. Cold to hot to cold again. I’ve got frostbite and whiplash from her conflicting emotions. If I were any other man, I’d likely be annoyed, but I’m not. I’m a man who knows what he wants, and what I want is Marina Parks in my arms. Tied to me.
“I promised you lunch,” I remind her through gritted teeth, trying my damnedest to keep my lust for her in line. After hearing her describe me briefly to who I learned was her mother on the phone, I knew she wasn’t as aloof as she tried to portray last night.
Marina has walls built so high that I’m going to need a wrecking ball to break through. Only, first, I have to find out what erected those walls to start with.