by Raven Monet
“Look, I get it, man. I really do and I understand why you think you have to stay in the closet but it’s really not as tragic as your mind is telling you. We live in a society where nobody gives a shit if you’re gay or not and if your parents love you, I mean really love you and not just their own agenda for you, then they’ll support you no matter what.” The small side street on which my parents lived was quiet and all I could hear was the purr of the motor as we slowly made our way to the intersection.
“It’s not that easy, Jason.” He smiled at me as he turned in his seat to face me.
“Yes, it is. I used to be just like you: afraid to take a chance, scared to be myself and always wondering who was going to get hurt. When I came out to my mother right before their accident, she looked me in the eyes and said,
“I was wondering if I was going to have to go into that closet and drag you out myself” because she was my mother and in her heart she’d always known.” I scoffed and said,
“My parents would call me an abomination and disown me forever. They’ve made it clear all my life how they feel about such things and with my brother being a screw-up and my sister never living up to her full potential, they put all their hopes for a happy child into me.” He laughed and placed his hand on my shoulder and said,
“You are the picture of fucking happiness, my friend.” Cutting my eyes to him, I knew that he was right and that there was probably not a lonelier person on the planet than myself.
“How am I supposed to look at my parents and break their hearts?” He gave my shoulder a little squeeze and asked,
“How are you supposed to go on hating the person you see in the mirror every day? What do you tell your reflection when it just yearns for someone to love but you are too scared of what others think to allow such a thing?” His words rang in my ears as true as the fact that the sun rose each day and as I drove along the residential street that led to the corner liquor store a few blocks away from my parent’s house, I thought about how wonderful it would feel if I were allowed to love of my own accord. “Look, I like you a lot and I won’t lie about that,” he smiled and I replied,
“I like you too, Jason.” His face turned somber as he continued,
“But I can’t let myself begin anything with you if we can’t even have dinner or hold hands in public. I fought long and hard to live the life I wanted and I can’t be with someone who can’t do the same thing, just in case you may be interested. I just thought that you should know that.” Nodding, I let him know that I understood what he was telling me and as I looked into his eyes from the driver seat, all I wanted to do was go back and tell my parents that I was a flaming homosexual just so I could kiss his inviting lips.
Chapter Eleven
About a week after my parent’s barbecue, I drove home from training, tired and ready for a long, hot soak in my hot tub when the phone rang and I answered it, pleased to hear Jason’s voice.
“Hey, secret lover.” This made me smile, for even though there had been no sort of romance between us, we both wished that it was possible for one to bloom and since the only thing stopping us was my secret, he toyed with me about it.
“That’s not funny, you know.” I rubbed my aching shoulder, wincing as I applied pressure to the tender flesh. “What if someone had been in the truck with me?” Glancing around to assure that no one in traffic next to me had heard his remark, paranoid that the entire world was out to discover what I’d been hiding.
“I’d hope that you wouldn’t answer with it on speaker knowing that it’s me and that I’ll say it every time I call.” He was right and there is no way that I would have accepted the call if I’d have had someone with me and though our relationship had not reached a physical point, our friendship had blossomed into a strong foundation for what could possibly become something more in the future. “I just wanted to let you know that a bunch of us are going to Enchanted Zippy’s tonight and was wondering if you wanted to go.” He knew better than to ask me if I wanted to go to the largest gay bar west of the Mississippi and I chuckled as I said,
“No thanks, Jase. You better make this one without me.” I heard him groan as he said,
“Fine, bitch but I’ll tell you one thing. As much time as your ass has spent in that closet, I figured you’d dress better than you do.” I laughed as we exchanged goodbyes and I tapped the screen of my phone as it rested in its holder on my dash. Being with Jason was something that had pulled on my heart and mind since the first time I saw him and the more I thought about how it would be to say yes to an invitation out with the guys, the more I felt myself being pushed towards coming out publicly. Jason told me that his parents had been exactly like mine when he was growing up and even spent a bit of time ignoring him after he told them that his prom date was named Scott and they’d been dating for a year. Eventually, they came around and he assured me that my folks would, too but I wasn’t so sure that he knew them well enough to make that assessment.
“Just when you think your parents can’t love you anymore, they prove you wrong, Chad.” His words repeated themselves in my ears as I pulled into my driveway and I smiled as I let myself believe that he was right about them. How I hoped that his words were true, for as much as I wanted to be happy there was no way I wanted to hurt my parents.
From the outside looking in, it would appear as if I had the world at my fingertips and there was nothing to keep me from being perfectly happy but underneath the perfect hair, rugged jawline, fat bank account and everything I’d ever wanted, I was miserable. Having everything that you want means nothing if you don’t have someone to share it with and I realized this hard truth by spending many nights alone in my hot tub, staring out into an empty future featuring me and all my stuff. I’d never imagined having a future filled with love or someone to spend my time with but since meeting Mateo, my eyes had been opened up to a whole new possible future and Jason could possibly be the one to share it with me. It wasn’t fair to either of us for me to keep my desires hidden and the choice to come out was looming in my near future now that I could see the chance for a normal life with someone. After a couple beers and a long, relaxing soak in the hot tub and I’d be more relaxed and able to think straight but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to convince myself that hurting my mother and father would ever be a good idea.
While doing exactly that a few hours after returning home, my phone rang and I dried my hands with a towel before reaching to answer it. The music in the background was loud and I could barely hear him but Jason screamed into the phone that he would be dropping by later with something to tell me. Yelling above the elevated volume and pumping bass lines, he laughed and said,
“Don’t get out of that tub! I’m coming over! Chad, did you hear me?” I looked at the phone to see that he’d lost connection and wondered what it was that he had to tell me that he couldn’t say over the phone. Deciding to do exactly as he said, I didn’t get out of my place in the tub, instead, I reached into the bucket of iced beer that I had sitting on the floor and thought of the many things that could possibly happen later in the night. I know that we’d agreed not to become romantic until I’d come forward to my parents but part of me hoped that he’d had enough drinks to put aside that little detail and spend the night in my bed. Curious as to what he would want at this time of night, I reached over and flipped the switch that controlled the air jets in the tub and stood up to grab the towel that was hanging on the rack. I would love to seduce the sexy stud into my bathtub but didn’t feel like it was the right time for all that, so I threw on some basketball shorts and made myself a drink while I waited. It wasn’t long after I sat on the sofa that I saw his lights in the driveway, so I walked to the door and greeted him, noticing a particularly troubled look on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as he walked to the door with his phone in his hand.
“Girl, oh my god, you won’t believe what I found.” Ushering him through the door, I saw the panicked look on his face as I felt
my stomach drop, fearing the worst. Confirming my suspicions, Jason turned his crystalline eyes to me with a furrowed brow as he turned his phone to reveal the photograph of Mateo and myself in each other’s arms in the Italian nightclub.
There was an article with a large headline that identified me by name, team and location of the photograph in bold letters and there was no way that I could deny it any longer. Feeling my ears fill with the beating of my own heart, I stared at the phone then looked up into Jason’s face, seeing that he worried for me and was waiting for my reaction.
“I’ve known about this picture for some time now, I just wanted to tell myself that it would remain a European post.” Taking a sip of my drink, I walked to the bar and asked Jason,
“What are you having?” He answered that he’d like a tequila sunrise, so I grabbed the bottle that I’d brought back from my last trip to Mexico and the juice from the mini fridge but I could feel his wary eyes watching my every move. “I’m fine, Jason. I knew this day was coming and now I’ve just got to figure out what I’m going to do about it. I mean, I could always just say that I’d taken X and lost myself in the moment or I could man up and tell my folks and the coach that I’m gay, have always been gay and will remain gay and they can accept it or kiss my ass.” Jason tilted his head and gave me a quirky grin.
“You will not tell your mother to kiss your ass, stop lying. This is a good thing, though.” He looked to me with a flirtatious glance and I thought of taking him into my arms but stopped myself before I started something that I wasn’t sure I was able to finish. Sure, I could take him to my room and have a wonderful and unforgettable night but until I was shed of the stresses of coming out to the world, I wouldn’t be able to continue on the path of the relationship that I wanted with him so we talked about how I would make my big reveal.
Chapter Twelve
I decided that it would be best if I came out to my parents first then take on the heat of the press, who I was almost sure would be more forgiving than my folks. The rest of the world seemed to be on the track of understanding more so than the Drakes and they would be my biggest obstacle when determining my happiness. If I came out to my mother and she forbid me her love, it would surely break me but if she could come around and accept that I’m still the same person, I just have feelings for men like I’d never had for women, maybe our relationship wouldn’t suffer as I so anticipated. The moment of truth was upon me and as I walked up the cobblestone path to their front porch, I felt as if my arms and legs were attached to cement weights and the breath in my chest fought its way into my lungs. Unable to breathe, I paused before walking up the steps to the porch, held onto the railing and unfastened the top button of my shirt. Telling myself that no matter what, my parents would stand beside me and love me, I tried to believe the words I was forcing into my mind as I lifted my right foot to take the first step towards truth. I turned the knob to my parent’s front door and walked through as if I had never before been inside the house. It felt as if my chest were crushing my heart and lungs and the air was too thin for me to catch a good breath no matter how hard I tried to draw a deep breath.
“Slow down and breathe. Just breathe, Chad, you can do this.” I whispered the words aloud because not only did I need to say them, I had to hear them and reassure myself that this was what I needed to do if I was ever going to live my own life and find true happiness. Walking through the foyer and into the living room, I found my parents sitting on the sofa awaiting my arrival, for I’d called them only minutes earlier alerting them that we had to talk.
“Chad, darling. I hope all is well. You aren’t sick, are you? Please tell me that you aren’t sick.” My mother was always so dramatic and the idea of telling her that I had cancer to lighten the fact that I was just gay had crossed my mind but I couldn’t do that to her on top of breaking her heart with my gayness.
“Oh, Margaret, sit down and let the boy breathe. If he wasn’t dying before he walked in, he surely will be once you suck out all the oxygen from the room, now just sit down and let him say what he’s got to say.” My father had always been a man who liked to just get to the point and speak his mind and my mother couldn’t be more opposite when it came to conversation. She could take ten minutes to let you know that her mailman ran late or explain how the humidity in the living room seems to change around midday. She was a talker and had been known to over explain and I’d taken some of her traits but never hated the fact that I wasn’t like my father and just said what was on my mind more than I did in that moment.
“No, Mom, I’m not dying but there is something that I have to tell you and I’m pretty sure that you aren’t going to like it. I mean, it’s nothing too horrible but I know how you don’t like to be disappointed and I just want you to know that I’m sorry if what I’m about to say hurts you because I never want to do that.” I noticed that my father shifted in his seat and could tell that he was already getting aggravated by my rambling. They knew that I tended to rattle on when I was nervous but my father was not the type of man who liked to just sit and talk so instead of dragging it out any longer, I took a deep breath and looked at my mother’s sweet face and said,
“I’m not sick, mother, I’m gay.” She blinked as if she’d not heard me and my father gave a slight chuckle under his breath, looked at me and said,
“I’ve got yard work to do.” As he walked out, he patted me on the shoulder but he didn’t say another word, leaving me confused but slightly relieved that he didn’t want to stay and yell at me. Mother’s face was exactly as I’d imagined it would be and she silently began to sob as her eyes filled with tears.
“Why? What did I do wrong? I did everything right to make sure my family turned out normal and I’ve got a daughter who only used her talents of reproduction instead of her marvelous mind, a son who chooses to stay high or in jail rather than be a good son to his mother and now this. Oh, goodness.” My mother shook her head as she wrung her hands in her lap and I sat down beside her and put my arm around her shoulders.
“This isn’t the end of the world, Mom. I’m healthy, happy and have a good career and all I need is to finally be able to be myself and not have to hide who I am anymore.” Fat tears rolled down her face as she looked at me and said,
“But, you’re going to hell.” The words sliced me like a knife through the heart as I looked at her and said,
“I simply can’t believe that, mother. You raised me right and did everything exactly the way you were supposed to and that includes teaching me right from wrong and lying about who I am is wrong. I’m attracted to men, not women. Nothing has changed, I’m still the same man that was here not long ago for a barbecue, tossing the ball around with dad and drinking beer with the neighbors. I’m still your son, I just will have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend.” She let out a whimper as the thought of me with another man entered her mind and she stood up and walked towards the hallway, stopped in her tracks and slowly turned to face me.
“My firstborn son is going to hell and I can’t go with him, the least I can do is feed him while he’s still on earth. Come in the kitchen and get something to eat.” She turned back towards the rear of the house and I felt my heart drop, knowing that she felt such disappointment in me and also knowing that she didn’t want me anywhere near her food or her kitchen so I slipped out the front door and walked to my truck. I’d call my father later and we’d talk but my mother would need more time to sort things out in her own mind. Even if she thought I was going to hell, she didn’t tell me that she hated me or call me an abomination, so that’s always a good sign when dealing with Margaret Drake. As I drove out of the residential neighborhood, I decided to call Jason instead of going home and when he answered, I smiled and said,
“Hey, secret lover.”
Chapter Thirteen
Coming out to the coaches and public weren’t part of Jason’s deal in making me wait to be with him so when he agreed to meet me at my house in an hour, I immediately became rattled, for I w
asn’t sure what to do in order to seduce him properly. I could do anything my heart desired but had no idea what to do for such a special night, so I decided that I couldn’t go wrong with Chinese delivery and booze. I stopped off at a liquor store and grabbed a couple bottles of champagne, some bourbon and a bottle of vodka to add to my nearly stocked bar at home. I’d not felt this nervous in a while and decided that the best thing to do was probably go home and pamper myself a bit before my date showed up. Had I specified that it was a date? Should I have picked him up and taken him somewhere? The last thing I wanted to do was start off my homosexual life on the wrong foot and make a mistake somewhere that may cost me somehow. What I needed to do was calm down and relax because I already knew that Jason was gay, interested and waiting for me to come out to my parents so it was pretty much a done deal. But I had to wonder, to what extent? Was he going to be my boyfriend or someone who passed the nights at my side? How was it all going to work? We would have time to figure all of that out soon enough and as I got closer to my house, the more nervous I became, knowing that soon I would have Jason in my arms and could finally begin my life.
He arrived precisely when I expected and before I could get the first sentence out of my mouth, he placed his hands on the back of my head and pulled me in for a kiss. Closing my eyes, I wrapped my arms around his body and moaned as I kicked the door closed behind us before pushing him against it. The feeling of his body against mine was refreshing and so inviting that I didn’t want to release him but I couldn’t begin the evening by ravishing his body, no matter how badly I wanted him. Pulling away while playfully biting his bottom lip, I smiled as I said,
“Welcome to my coming-out party, right this way, sir.” Taking him by the hand, I led him through the house to the back where I’d arranged for us to dine beside the pool. I didn’t go too overboard but I did whip up a few chocolate covered strawberries to go with the wine and instead of Chinese takeout I decided to let Jason decide and we could order later since I didn’t want it to get cold before he arrived. There were takeout menus from every eatery within ten miles laid out on the patio table and as he took his seat, I waved my hand in front of them as to present them to him in an elaborate manner.