'As you wish, Senator Gracchus, but we both know the truth,' Valens said and gave a bow.
He had his answer. His father had put honour before death. And despite the evidence of his eyes, Gracchus would continue to insist on his version of the events.
Valens stumbled to his room, a mixture of rage, anger and despair filling his body. Any last doubt about his father vanished. There was no turning time back. His father had denied him.
Waves of silent spasms racked his body and for the first time since he was a child and his dog had died, Valens cried.
Julia sat quietly on her stool after Gracchus and his entourage left, watching the little figurine on the floor. The image of Valens's face when the senator had said that no son of his would become a gladiator warred with the image of the senator when he had first glimpsed Valens's face.
When Sabina came back and made some remark about the senator leaving in a temper, Julia answered her, but refused to say more. Sabina had swept away to prepare for the dinner party she was attending. The servants came in, cleared the tea things, lit the lamps and still Julia sat, hands motionless-, spindle lying at her side. Bato came over and laid his head on her knee and her hand automatically stroked him.
A noise made her open her eyes and she stared at Valens who was dressed in his travelling cloak. Despite his ravaged features, his face seemed as remote and cold as the statuette she had held in her hands. All warmth had vanished. Whatever growing feeling there had been between them, she knew she had inadvertently destroyed it. She had wanted to save him, to give him back his life.
'You are Gaius Gracchus,' she said in the silence before her nerve gave way.
'I should know who I am.' The words were said in a low voice, but one that was intended to quash all dissent. 'Who I was is not important.'
Julia stood up and hugged her arms about her waist. "Then who are you?'
'Valens the gladiator,' came the swift reply. 'I told you so when we met. Nothing has changed to alter that fact. The arena is my whole life. My past has no meaning.'
'But who were you before? You had to have been somebody. Were you Gaius Gracchus?'
'You seem determined to think I am.'
'That is not an answer, and you know it. You cannot pretend you never had a past. Every Roman has a family and you deserve to have yours back.' He had to see she had acted out of the best motives. She wanted a reconciliation between father and son. Gracchus mourned for his son and Valens needed a father, or at least need to make peace with his father. He deserved to have his family and his past back.
Valens continued to stare at her with eyes made out of cold black ice.
'Tell me what sort of man you were,' she pleaded. There had to be a way of going back, of undoing the harm she had unwittingly caused. If she had explained about the augur's prediction in the first place, before she contacted Senator Gracchus, would none of this have happened?
'A Roman and not a very good one, according to my father. Certainly not worth paying a ransom for.'
'There are many types of Romans. You were a patrician.' Her arms trembled as if she had been in a long race. 'People grow. They change for the better. You were his only son.'
'Don't you think I know that? I know what my father wanted from me. How I could never live up to the glittering future he desired for me. And when it was taken from me, rather than dying honourably, I chose to live dishonourably.' Valens stared at her, stony-faced, his arms crossed and his feet planted firmly. She saw a muscle twitch in his jaw. Julia wanted to shrink, but her feet refused to listen to any command. She stood rooted to the spot.
He bowed his head and she saw his shoulders shake. 'Julia…'
'Please tell me I wasn't wrong,' she whispered.
He raked his hand through his hair and his eyes fastened on the middle distance. 'You must understand, Julia, when you become a gladiator, you are reborn. There is no past, no future only the arena and the spectacle. The man I was perished back in the pirate's hold. I am Valens the Thracian. I have no wish to revisit the past. It is not where my future lies.'
'And what about me?'
'I trusted you, Julia, to keep my secrets, not to go prying into my past.'
Julia hugged her arms about her waist, longing to run into his arms and longing to do anything to turn back time.
'I was only trying to help,' she said in a small voice. 'I wanted to reunite you with your family.'
'When I need your help, I will ask for it. My family now is the Strabo's gladiatorial school. And will be until I retire honourably from the sport. Then I will take a name of my own choosing and live my life the way I have chosen as the honourable man I know I now am.'
He turned towards the door, and Julia knew he was about to walk out of her life. The memories of the long hours she had spent at Gracchus's, listening to him talk about his son, assaulted her. She felt she had to try again, even if it meant losing Valens. She felt he had to understand that his father did love him, that it had all been a terrible mistake. She kept thinking about how she'd feel if her father behaved in that fashion.
'Senator Gracchus makes offerings to the gods every day in his son's name…in your name.'
Valens turned back towards her, his face savage.
'Not in my name. I can never be the son he wants. You heard him. His son died fighting in North Africa. He has the brooch to prove it. I have this.' Valens tore back his cloak and shoved his forearm towards her, the tattooed lion gleaming up at her. 'My only value to him was to carry on the glory of the family name—in the Senate. I am an infamis, Julia. I can never hold public office. I am tainted. My being alive will not bring back his dreams.'
'He wants his son, Valens, the child he held in his arms. I know he does. He is a proud man and won't beg, but I was there. I saw his face. He hungered to see you.'
Valens slammed his fist into the wall.
'He wants someone to carry on the family name. Day after day when I was growing up, I had to look at the busts of my ancestors and listen to how great they once were. How I had to match up to their ideals…"
She drew a deep breath and walked over to Valens, laid a hand on his arm.
'He has changed, Valens,' she whispered. 'He loved his son. He used to talk about you all the time, to praise what you had done to Lucius and to me. Someone lied to him…'
A look of anguish passed over Valens's face, but then he straightened and stared out into the middle distance. His face became as impassive as a death mask.
'If he cared about me, why did he leave me to die in a pirate's hold?' he asked in a voice filled with rage. 'I can still hear Aquilia's laughter as he read out the words—my son is dead, no amount of money can bring him back. Then he ordered the remaining six men of my patrol and me beaten. None survived that beating except me. Six men died because my father chose honour above his son. They were good men, Julia.'
His face contorted in pain at the memory. She did not deny he had suffered. But his father had suffered as well. Julia hugged her arms about her waist and tried to remember the stories.
'He was lied to. That's obvious. Mistakes were made. There were tears in his eyes when he showed me the brooch you always wore. He said Mettalius had brought it back along with a bloodied cloak. He had no reason to distrust Mettalius. Someone told him that your note was a forgery. Someone had tampered with it. Who benefitted? Who stood to gain everything?'
Valens gave his head a shake. 'Julia, you would have me believing in nymphs and fables next. You have no proof. My father taught me to demand the utmost proof.'
Julia laid a hand on his arm, but he pushed it away. 'Talk to him.'
'Why? Why should I debase myself in front of him? You heard him—no son of his would ever become a gladiator. He knew who I was. What sort of father does not recognise his own flesh and blood? If he had wanted me for a son, he would have made a sign. And Hercules help me, I would have gone to him and laid my head on his toga, begging his forgiveness.'
Julia felt her stomach beg
in to shake with pain. She hated this. She hated confrontation, fighting. With each passing breath, her knees became weaker and the temptation to flee grew. She was scared he would turn his anger on her, but she had to say it. She had to try to save his life and to fight for their future.
'Your father could restore you to your hfe, Valens. He is a wealthy man. He could purchase your contract and you would not have to fight in the arena. He was angry and hurt. Your appearance was unexpected. He wasn't prepared for it. But his anger will disappear. I know he loves his son. Talk to him, explain what happened—for my sake, if nothing else.'
Valens felt the anger flare uncontrollably through him. How dare she! He had never asked to be freed from being a slave, not in that way. To go to his father in the way she suggested would be unthinkable. He would have no pride or honour left. He stared at Julia. Her face was turned up to him, her eyes glowing with unshed tears. It would be easy. Valens swallowed hard and drew on all of his self-control. His voice emerged as a ragged whisper. 'Let me regain my honour in my own way.'
'Valens,' she said, coming over to him, touching his hand with a gentle finger, 'I care about you.'
Valens shrugged the hand off and tried to ignore her siren's call. It would be so easy to give into her demands, to do what she asked. Already he could see the image forming before his eyes. But he also knew that to do what she asked was to condemn their life to one without honour, one where he would eventually despise her.
'If you cared at all for me, you would not ask this. The way you suggest is the coward's way, the way without honour. It will not solve anything. Your father will not accept me because I am free. I would still be an infamis. I am sorry, Julia, but my life doesn't work that way.'
She turned from him and Valens grabbed her arm. The red mist curled at the edges of his vision. How dare she interfere with his life! He was trying to make her see why he couldn't go back and all she could do was demand he speak with his father.
'You're hurting me,' she gasped, pulling away from him, her eyes wide with fear. 'Let me go, you brute.'
His hands dropped to his sides and his face reddened. For what felt like eternity, they stared at each other, chests heaving with each breath.
'Please…' she whispered. 'Please don't hurt me. You said you would protect me, but who will protect me from you?'
'I would never hurt you.' He could see the angry red marks on her forearm, and heard Bato's soft growl. He felt ashamed of his actions. He had grabbed her in anger. His anger was with his father, not with her, and he had been about to take all that hurt and anger out on her. How had it come to this?
'Julia, I am sorry…'
'Would you go, leave?' Julia straightened her back, hating him and her heart. She wanted to agree to his demands but not if he was going to force her. 'When I left Lucius, I vowed I would not bow to any man's force.'
'Julia, I didn't mean to…'
Venus help her, she wanted to lean her head against Valens's chest. She wanted to feel his arms about her. But he frightened her as well. When she had argued something from her heart, he had tried to bend her to his will. He obviously cared nothing for them, for her. She wanted to sink down into a ball, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cowed. She forced her head higher, her back straighten 'Please just go. We had something, but it is over. It is better this way. I am a Roman matron and you are a gladiator.'
'I had come to tell you that I was going. My form in the arena has suffered. I find it impossible to concentrate on my work here. Tigris has taken a house in the Aventine. There it will be easy to remember who I truly am—Valens the Thracian—and to concentrate on the only thing that means something in my life, the arena.'
Julia closed her eyes. She would be strong. She refused to beg.
'That is what I want. What we had is over,' she said in a quiet voice.
He gave a bow and was gone.
Chapter Fourteen
Over the next two days, Julia tried unsuccessfully to forget she had ever met Valens. She spent time offering prayers of thanks to Venus and the other household gods while her father and Sabina seemed more intent in creating a list of possible suitors than noticing her distress. Once again, she had become invisible.
Claudia, however, was another matter entirely when she arrived unannounced on the morning of the third day. She bustled into Julia's room as she sat, her hairbrush in hand, gazing through her narrow window. Claudia refused to accept any of Julia's explanations for her shadowed eyes and pale face, dismissing each with a small wave of her hand.
'You may want me to believe that, Julia, but I have seen the end of an affair too often. I'd have to be blind and deaf not to know the signs.'
'Is it that obvious?' Julia asked and wondered if she should put another layer of powder on her face to hide the dark circles.
'Only to someone who has been there before—many times.' Claudia placed her head close to Julia's as she gave her a hug. 'You slept with Valens.'
Julia dropped the brush.
'I thought—' she began, her heart pounding. If Claudia knew, how many other people had guessed? 'I thought we had been careful.'
Claudia picked the brush up and started to stroke Julia's hair, piling it high on her head and pinning it with several hairpins.
'The affair is over. Why are you worried?' she asked after she had finished. 'That style suits you, Julia.'
'It could cause a scandal.'
'Public displays cause scandals, not private passion,' Claudia said, tapping the brush against her lips. 'In private, everything is permissible. You will cause a scandal if you withdraw to your room for days. You must go out and face the would-be gossips down. Show them you are not concerned by this. If anyone whispers, it will be just whispers. Look at how Servilia behaves. Or the Clodiae. Rome whispers, but no one can prove a thing.'
'I am not sure I want to become notorious.' Julia gave a small hiccupping laugh. 'I have seen what Sabina and her harpies can do to people.'
'You will become more notorious if you stay in this room much longer. People will begin to question.'
'What do you suggest?'
'I suggest you go to the baths with me. A new one has opened on the edge of the Aventine. It has a series of good exercise rooms and treatments. Plus it allows for mixed bathing. And some of the men there, well…they will drive all thoughts of Valens from your head.' Claudia kissed her fingers.
Julia drew a shaky breath. She refused to think about other men. The only man she wanted was Valens. She wanted to go back to the closeness they seemed to be developing. 'It is too soon.'
'Nonsense. It will do you good. The best way to cure a broken heart is to find another object of affection. The bathing suites will open at five hours, but we can exercise, and perhaps play a game of trignon if we can find someone else, or perhaps hoops until then.'
The Aventine baths were a complex of marble-fronted buildings, gardens and exercise areas and a small library. The covered portico outside the baths teemed with small shops, market traders and their customers. Everything from monkeys to silk seemed to be on sale here and each trader seemed to be vying with the other as they shouted out their wares.
Julia and Claudia waited in a short queue to pay their quarter of an as and then went into the baths. The first thing Julia noticed was the absolute quiet of the courtyard after the noisy throng outside. The only sound was the splash of the fountain.
After changing into short exercise tunics, Claudia led the way towards the gymnasium. Julia looked at the men dressed in short tunics or loin cloths who were engaged in a variety of games and exercises and tried not to compare their physical attributes to Valens's. Two or three might have better legs, but none had his stature. She doubted if she could feel safe in any of these men's arms.
'You see why everyone is talking about it,' Claudia gushed, pointing to the marble bathing complex. 'It is a splendid addition to Rome. A true mark of civilisation. And, as promised, enough men to satisfy your eyes for da
ys.'
'When you said the Aventine baths, I thought you meant the one Sabina and her friends often use. It is luxurious, but nothing on this scale.'
'I knew you would like it. It opened on the last Ides.' Claudia started to signal to another woman. 'Look, there's our third for trignon—Poppea Scipia.'
Julia winced as the small woman whose hair was piled high in a Greek fashion hurried towards them. Poppea and Claudia attended gladiatorial matches together. She was even more dedicated to the games than Claudia and made it a point to compete against men whenever possible. The whisper in the Forum was that her husband had requested a posting in Cyrene to escape her.
'Claudia as I live and breathe and Julia Antonia as well. What a surprise,' Poppea said, racing up to them. 'I was about to start exercising with a dumb-bell, but if you are here we must have a ball game.' She paused and eyed Julia up and down. 'That is, if Julia knows the rules. I know how she hates all things to due with any form of physical activity.'
'I know the rules to trignon,' Julia said through clenched teeth and stared at Poppea. 'There are three players. Each takes a corner of the triangle. You catch the balls with one hand and throw with the other. The person who drops the green ball gains a point. At the end of the game, the person with the least points wins.'
'Very good, Julia.' Poppea clapped her hands together briefly. 'And now let's see if you can actually play it. Or will it be like the time you tried to play harpastum and were unable to snatch the ball from anyone?'
At the sound of Poppea's loud voice, several men dressed in short tunics turned round. Julia wished the ground would open up and swallow her.
She hesitated, about to withdraw from the contest. Then she saw the small smirk on Poppea's face.
'Poppea, an active spectator in the gladiatorial arena does not necessarily mean you are good at trignon. I look forward to beating you.'
The Gladiator's Honor Page 19