'You will have to make a choice, Julia—either your life with your family or exile.'
Julia's body trembled from rage. Her father had no wish for her future happiness. Her only use to him was a rung in Sabina's pathetic attempts to climb the social ladder.
'I choose—'
'I refuse to let you make that choice, Julia,' Valens said firmly and put Julia's hand in her father's. 'You stay with your family.'
All the feelings of anger, elation and rage disappeared from Julia's body. She drew her hand out of her father's and turned to stare at Valens. Had she mistaken everything? Her lips still ached from his kiss.
'I understand,' she said quietly, summoning her last reserves of dignity. 'I thought we had something, but obviously I was mistaken.'
'Julia, I do have feelings for you, but I know you love your family. And I also know what it is like to lose your family, to become one of the damned.'
'But I—'
'Hear me out, Julia, and you too, Julius Antonius. We could be happy, very happy at first, but there will come a time when regret like a snake grows and coils around your heart, poisoning it with its whispers. You would grow to resent me.'
'I could never resent you!' Julia cried wildly. She had to make him see. 'I care nothing for my life here.'
Valens shook his head. His eyes looked grave.
'You have no idea what your father is asking you, Julia. You will not leave your family, your home, your life because of me. I forbid it. I refuse to let what we have shared become mired in bitterness and resentment.'
'Most impressive, young man,' her father said. 'Spoken like a true Roman.'
Valens made an ironic bow and his eyes warned Julia to keep silent. Julia pressed her fists into her mouth. She wanted to hate Valens for taking away the decision from her, but a little part of her argued he was right. She was not ready for exile.
'Will you give me a little time alone with Julia to say my goodbyes?' Valens asked. 'The games begin in a few hours' time and I wish to bid her farewell.'
'Yes, of course.' Her father turned to go. 'I can give you that much, but no more.'
'Julius Antonius, one other thing before you go… Had I not been a gladiator, what would you have felt about my suit?'
Her father turned with his hand on the doorknob,
'You are an honourable man, Valens, despite your profession. I will answer the question when the time comes, should Julia Antonia still be free. I feel obliged to warn you though— I have had several other offers for her hand. Offers that would advance this family's standing considerably.'
He strode from the room.
Julia looked at Valens. She wanted to weep, but all the tears had long since fled. She felt numb. It was ending here. This was the last time she would see him alone. And he had refused her father's offer to let her go into exile.
Valens drew her into his arms and she felt his lips nuzzle her forehead. At his touch, she looked up.
'You must not weep, Julia,' he said with a tender smile.
'You are about to go out of my life, to fight in the arena. You refused to let me make my decision.' Julia Lifted her chin. She was determined that nothing should show on her face.
Valens reached out and smoothed tendrils of hair off her face. The gesture nearly caused her bottom lip to tremble. She forced her mouth to smile as she tucked her hair behind her ears.
'Your father has not said no. He has said not right now. You must believe in his words.'
'Valens—'
'Julia, I have to fight tomorrow. I need to know you are safe.' He rubbed a hand over the back of his head. 'I cannot be worrying about you and fighting at the same time.'
Julia stared at his pale face and her heart constricted. His injuries were too great. Claudia had warned her that he needed to be in top physical condition to make some of those rolls and parries with his sword.
'But you are hurt. Surely they won't make you fight with your injuries.'
'I have received worse knocks in training practice.' He knelt by Julia's side. 'Strabo would never excuse me from the games for such a minor thing. I would never ask.'
'But—'
'I am doing this for both of us, Julia.' He lowered his head to hers and touched her mouth with his lips. 'If I win the rudius, your father will welcome me into the family, you will see.'
Chapter Seventeen
Julia shivered in the pale rose light of dawn as she waited with Claudia, Poppea, and a small group of other onlookers and well-wishers, just outside the Aventine baths. The square had been deserted when they arrived, but now it was rapidly beginning to fill up with excited boys hanging on their fathers' hands and vendors selling all sorts of gladiatorial memorabilia.
It felt as if Julia had barely closed her eyes before Claudia had banged on her door this morning. She was pleased she had left Bato with Clodius. The old porter seemed to have a genuine affection for the dog.
She had also breathed a sigh of relief that neither her father nor stepmother was about when Claudia came to collect her. Her father had not actually forbidden the games, and she knew in her heart that she would have disobeyed him in any case. She had to go. She had to watch. She had to be there for Valens. She had to know what happened when it happened.
'Explain to me again why we are here?' Julia asked Claudia as the crowd started cheering and stamping its feet.
'We are here to see the start of the gladiatorial parade. The gladiators will ride through the streets of Rome in their chariots with the servants marching behind, carrying their armour. It starts here and then winds it way across Rome through the Forum and down to the Circus Maximus where they will arrive at about four hours.' Claudia waved a scroll under Julia's nose. 'You see the whole timetable is in here—from parade route to starting times for each of the events.'
'Events?' Julia looked blankly at the document. 'I thought there were just the games.'
Poppea gave a hoot of laughter. 'This is entertainment on the grand scale, my novice supporter. After the parade, there is the grand entrance, the warm-up matches, the fights with wooden swords by gladiatorial hopefuls.'
Julia unrolled her scroll and peered at the long list of events. 'When are those fights? Before or after midday? I don't see them listed.'
'Julia, Poppea means the lusio. They are listed just here.' Claudia unrolled the scroll and showed Julia the spot. 'They give the illusion of fighting. After one or two matches to warm up the crowd, the beast fights are at midday. After the midday interval, the real fun begins—there is the drawing of the names, the testing of the swords and finally the games themselves. I understand Caesar has thrown in everything from chariot fights to a pair of gladiatorix from Gaul.'
'When do you expect the Thracians to fight?'
Claudia gave her a sharp glance and Julia kept her face resolutely blank.
'Towards the end of the afternoon.'
'Do you think anyone will win the rudius, the wooden sword you were talking about?'
'You mean be able to retire from the profession with honour? No stain on his character from appearing in the ring? A man who symbolises the best in Roman heroics?' Poppea broke in. 'I think Caesar would dearly love to award one, but you know it is rare. I have only seen wooden swords given out a dozen times, Julia, in all the hundreds of matches I have been to.'
A blare of trumpets saved Julia from answering. She tightened her grip on her scroll and watched as the horses and chariots were led from the baths. Another blast of trumpets and the gladiators marched out.
Julia strained to see Valens through the growing throng. As soon as the gladiators had mounted their chariots, the crowd surged forward.
A hand touched Julia's elbow. 'Julia Antonia,' a heavily accented voice said, 'there is someone who wishes to speak with you.'
Julia turned her head slightly and saw a grey-haired man dressed in livery from the Strabo school.
'Just me or my friends?'
'Preferably just you.'
'Go on, Julia,'
Claudia said, giving her a push. 'We'll meet you at the entrance to the Circus Maximus.'
She nodded and followed the man a little way into the shelter of the portico.
'Apollonius was able to find you,' Valens said behind her.
Julia jumped, and then allowed herself to be drawn into his embrace. The only thing that mattered was the safe feeling she had when his arms were around her.
'I thought you were out there,' she whispered against the white wool of his tunic. 'With the rest of the gladiators.'
'I will be in a little while. Maia, Tigris's wife, caught a glimpse of you and thought you might want to see me on your own.'
Julia turned her head slightly, trying to ignore the feeling of disappointment that grew in her chest. Following the line of his finger, she saw the blonde from the baths standing next to Tigris. Two young children clung to her skirts. Maia laughed up at Tigris and ruffled his hair. Julia was amazed that she seemed so calm about the proceedings. Her insides were churning and the games had not even begun.
'So that is Tigris's wife—I had wondered.'
'She is expecting their third, Tigris informs me.'
'He's a lucky man.'
'I am the lucky man.' Valens's lips curved upwards like a bow and his arms tightened around her. 'For I have you in my arms.'
A shiver of delight ran down Julia's back, followed closely by a shiver of apprehension. She wanted to be brave and not beg.
'How's your head?' she asked.
'It hurts, but I will survive. Luckily your ex-husband's henchmen were not as accurate as some of the gladiators I have encountered or I would not be here.'
'Maybe I should be cursing them. If they had injured you more, you would not be out fighting.'
He shook his head. "The only way I wouldn't fight today is if I were dead. You must understand how much it means to me, to us.'
'Why won't you just let me be like Maia? She has not gone into exile and she is Tigris's wife.'
He put his forefinger under her chin and lifted her eyes to his. 'Because you are not a slave. Maia was a slave when Tigris first met her. He bought her, freed her and married her.
You are different. Your father would demand your removal from Italy.'
'But—'
Another blast of the trumpets sounded and Valens's face changed. Gone was the easy smile of a heartbeat before; now he wore an intent look.
'I shall have to go and climb into my chariot,' he said. "That's the signal for the second halls to depart. The first-hall gladiators are the last ones to set off. They release the gladiators in waves. That way each hall of gladiators is properly cheered and the excitement builds.' Valens put his hands on her shoulders and she saw his eyes darken.
'Julia, will you do something for me? Will you give this to my father if I should not make it?'
He took the brooch with the two racing greyhounds from his cloak and placed it in her hand. Julia turned it over and stared at it.
'But you will survive.'
'Take it to my father and tell him that my mother's eyes were grey and that underneath the third brazier in the dining room is his secret store of gold coins, the one he once beat me for finding. Our family code is based on the first letter of every seventh word. I had this brooch made with my first prize money. It is an exact duplicate of the one I lost. Will you do that for me, Julia?'
'I will,' she said, the brooch dangling from her fingers. 'But there will be no need. You said you will survive. You will be able to give it to him yourself.'
His hand stroked her cheek and then fell to his side. He took the brooch out of her palm and pinned it to the cord of her stola. 'It has helped keep me safe and has served to remind me what I am fighting for. Now I don't need any reminders. I know what I am fighting for.'
'And that is…' The world was blurring in a mass of tears. Julia blinked rapidly.
A trumpet sounded again.
'I shall go now. Be a Roman matron for me and let us have no tears.'
He gave her hands one last squeeze and then strode away, laughing and joking with one of the School's servants. Julia whispered a prayer as she touched the pendant still warm from his skin.
'It is always the same,' a low musical voice said next to her. Maia had glided up. Her laughing face was now solemn and a tear glistened on her cheek. "They think it is a big joke and we are left behind to worry.'
'You are Tigris's wife?'
'That is right, and you are the woman who has captured Valens's heart.'
'For now at any rate…'
Julia felt her cheeks colour as the woman's cool eyes assessed her.
'You are the first woman he has ever allowed to wear his brooch. It is very precious to him.'
Julia put her hand to her throat. She stared across to where Valens's chariot had stood. There were so many questions she wanted to ask him, things she should have said. Her insides were torn apart with a mixture of happiness and rage. 'I am just looking after it for him.'
'If you would like, you may sit with us, with the rest of the gladiatorial family.' Maia shifted her toddler on to her other hip.
Julia shook her head. The temptation was almost too great but then she thought of her father and of what Valens had said.
Valens had refused to let her make that choice. He had not asked her to sit with the other women who belonged to gladiators. He had forbidden it. For now, she had to respect his wishes and show him that she was worthy of his trust. 'That would be impossible. I am here with friends, friends I need to find.'
Maia nodded, but then produced a small ticket stamped with a lion. 'Should you change your mind, give this ticket to the porter, and he will show you the spot.'
She was gone before Julia had a chance to give the ticket back. She stared at it for a long time and started to walk towards the Circus. The crowds had thinned, but the atmosphere was still one of a public holiday.
'You took your time about getting here,' Poppea said crossly when Julia found them in the crowded street outside the Circus Maximus. 'I thought you were lost. I was about to send one of my servants to find you.'
'The streets were blocked because of the parade route,' Julia said, gasping for breath. She wiped a trickle of sweat from her forehead and refused to think how she had gone down several blind alleys and had taken several wrong turns. 'Has the procession arrived yet?'
'We and the rest of humanity would be inside if it had,' Poppea commented. 'I can hear the trumpets now.'
Julia caught Claudia's eye and shrugged. She had not anticipated there would be so many people here. It seemed as if the whole of Rome had turned out for Caesar's games. She thought of the faces of Maia and her children after Tigris left and contrasted it with the happy excited faces of the supporters. The families had the nervous anticipation of death and the supporters would only see the spectacle. Julia shivered despite the heat and readjusted her shawl. She knew which she would see and offered another prayer up to Venus that Valens might be safe.
With each step she took up the steep staircase to the wooden stalls where their seats were, she said a prayer.
'You are not afraid of heights, Julia,' Poppea said as they sat down. 'Your face is as white as a ghost.'
'Heights, crowds—this is not my idea of an ideal day out,' Julia replied, sinking down on to the bench. She looked down and saw the sandy oval curve away from her. The few men who were raking the sand smooth looked more like figurines than people. 'How can you see anything up here?'
'It is one of the best views…for women,' Claudia said and laid her hand on Julia's arm. 'Don't worry, Julia, Valens will win. He has not lost a match yet.'
Julia gave a brief nod. If she started to confide in Claudia, all her fears would pour out and she'd become a gibbering wreck. Valens hadn't even arrived at the arena and already her stomach was knotted so tightly she could barely breathe. Her programme had been twisted and rolled so much she could no longer read the order of the spectacle.
The trumpets blew a long fanfare.
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'It is about to start,' whispered Claudia. 'See, Caesar and his family are taking their seats along with the Vestal Virgins. Sometimes I wonder if becoming a Virgin would not have been a better life. At least I would have had a front-row seat at every chariot race, play or gladiatorial bout.'
'Claudia, you like men too well. You would not have lasted a day,' Julia said with a laugh.
Claudia made a face of mock contrition. 'Too true. I suppose there has to be compensations. Just think what those women give up.'
The entire arena fell silent, waiting for the next act in the spectacle to begin.
Valens heard the crowd grow hushed, holding its collective breath, waiting for the grand entrance. In the gladiator's tunnel, everyone was busy with the final preparations.
Gone were the nervous lamentations of last night. All around him he could see pale resolute faces. Even Aquilia's face had lost its usual sneer.
Another blast from the trumpet.
The sound of buckling armour and the snapping shut of visors filled the tunnel. Valens glanced over and saw that Leoparda, the young gladiator who had been punished at Aquilia's request had not put his helmet on, but in fact looked green under his dark skin.
'It will be fine, lad,' Valens said. 'This is what you have trained for. This is your hour of glory.'
'I hope so, Valens.'
'Let's put it this way, lad.' Valens gestured to the group of condemned criminals huddled in the corner waiting for the beast show. 'You have a chance, those poor devils don't.'
Leoparda nodded.
'Once you are in the ring, Leoparda, it will all come back to you. It always does.'
Valens jammed his ceremonial helmet on his head. 'Right, lads, we may have been slaves, prisoners of war and criminals in our past lives, but who we were counts for nothing. It is who we are that matters. The Romans out there are waiting for the chance to sneer and laugh at us. They like to think they are better than us, but we have a chance to prove they are wrong. We are better men than they are. We have gone through hell and back again in our training. Let's show the Romans what we are made of—that we know how to fight and how to die like men!'
The Gladiator's Honor Page 23