“Please,” the woman begged. “We’ve done nothing wrong. Please, don’t hurt us.”
I walked closer to them and drew a dagger. The little girl whimpered. Her hazel eyes pleaded for me to leave.
“Please…” the woman begged.
“We have been ordered to purge this city,” I stated coldly. “No one is to survive. That is my order.”
I raised my dagger into the air and the woman screamed as she held the little girl tighter.
My eyes snapped open and I sat up. My body dripped with sweat, and my breath came out in ragged gasps.
Raikidan, woken up by my startled state, shifted and jumped onto the bed. “Eira, are you all right?”
I stared at my hands as they shook. How could I have done such a thing? They had been so innocent, and I had killed them without hesitation, without question, based on an order I had been given.
“Eira, what’s wrong?” Raikidan demanded. “Please tell me what happened.”
I pulled my legs into myself and just stared at my knees. What had I done? What kind of monster was I? It was all my fault. I could have turned away. I could have ignored the order, or pretended I hadn’t seen them. It was my fault. “All my fault…”
“What?” Raikidan questioned.
“It’s all my fault,” I muttered. “It’s my fault. I did it. My fault…”
The bedroom door flew open and three people noisily rushed in.
“What’s going on?” Shva’sika demanded.
“I don’t know,” Raikidan said. “She woke up in cold sweat, and now she’s muttering about something being her fault.”
“Let me see,” she ordered. He moved away and she took his place. “Laz? Laz, dear, what’s wrong? What’s your fault?”
“My fault…” Images of what I had done to so many people flooded through my head. “My fault…”
“Laz, please, speak to me. Tell me what’s wrong,” she begged.
Their faces—their fear—their accusing fingers. The pain I put them through. Being forced to see them again. “Your fault… All your fault…”
“Excuse me?” She questioned.
“It’s your fault…” The memories continue to flood through my mind.
“Rylan, what’s wrong?” Ryoko asked. “A bad headache?”
“No.” he muttered. “Shva’sika, Raikidan, get away from her.”
“Why?” Shva’sika questioned.
“Just do it,” he ordered.
“Tell me why!” she demanded.
He stumbled over to the bed. “Something is wrong. It may not be safe for any of you to stay in this room. You need to leave. Laz, can you hear me? Laz, you need to come back to us.”
Images continued to flood through my head.
“They deserved to die.”
Did they? Did they deserve it?
“They were weak.”
Are they? Are they weak, or am I the weak one?
“You did nothing wrong.”
Didn’t I? Didn’t I kill them just because I was ordered to?
“Laz, please. Pull yourself together,” Rylan pleaded. “Guys, please leave.”
“Are you sure?” Ryoko asked.
“Yes. It’s just a precaution,” he assured her.
“C’mon,” Shva’sika encouraged. “We should listen. That means you too, Raikidan.”
“Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Yes I did.
“They were weak. They didn’t deserve to live.”
I’m weak. Does that mean I should die?
Rylan cried out in pain and curled up on my bed. “Please, Laz. Fight it. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
My vision began to blur and then fade. Before I knew it, darkness surrounded me and someone was walking toward me. I backed up and readied myself to run. I didn’t want to go through that pain again. I didn’t want to see them accuse me of the crimes I had been forced to commit. My eyes widened when the person came into view. “Jasmine?”
The slim, black-haired woman looked at me with sympathy. “Eira, you need to let this guilt go. You need to forgive yourself for what you were forced to do.”
I shook my head. “I don’t deserve forgiveness. Murderers… monsters… don’t deserve forgiveness.”
“Eira, stop,” she said, her voice sickeningly kind. “That’s not what you are. You were only ordered to do those things. You were built to be unable to deny an order. You couldn’t go against that at the time. You’re a good person.”
“No I’m not. I only cause problems.”
“No, you don’t.”
“You’d still be alive if it weren’t for me! Mom, Xye… Tannek… all those people who died by my hands, they’d still be alive if I had never come along. It was wrong to choose me to be a shaman. I’m not worthy… I don’t deserve forgiveness. I deserve to be punished…”
My eyes widened when a tiny hand grabbed onto mine. It wasn’t an aggressive grab. It was a soft, gentle one. It was the type of grab Ryder would use when he wanted my attention but didn’t want to be a bother, or when he was trying to pull me out of one of my moods. I looked down to see the little girl who had pointed at me during my last spirit walk. She was the one who was bloodied and bruised and started placing blame on me. I can’t forget her face… But she wasn’t hurt this time. And she wasn’t placing blame.
She smiled at me. “I don’t hate you for what you did.”
I looked away. “Yes you do. I took your life without a second thought. You do blame me.”
“No, I don’t. None of us do.” I looked around as more spirits began to appear. They too were the spirits from my last spirit walk and none of them looked angry. They looked concerned, as if they were worried about the state of mind I was in. “We don’t hate you, Eira. You just made yourself believe we did because you hate yourself so much. Because of all the guilt you suppressed. We don’t hate you, Eira, and we chose you because you are worthy of this position. We believe you are the only one who can handle what lies ahead.”
“Why me?” I questioned as I looked down at her.
She continued to smile. “You have the qualities needed.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“We believe in you.”
“I get that. But why?”
She giggled. “In time you’ll understand. But now you must go back. Your friends are worried about you; one very special one in particular.”
I looked at her funny, but before I could ask her to clarify, she let go and waved goodbye. My eyes fluttered involuntarily. The darkness disappeared, and so did the spirits. In their place was my room and my friends. My eyes were heavy and my senses dull, but someone held me close, and a particular dragon was missing from the group of friends I could see.
“Eira?” Raikidan asked quietly. My eyes fluttered. He is the one holding me. “Are you back with us?”
I nodded in response.
“How do you feel?” Ryoko asked.
I was too tired to reply.
Raikidan wiped my bangs out of my eyes. “She needs rest.”
I nodded as my eyes grew heavier.
“Sleep well this time, Eira,” he encouraged.
I felt a little bit more at peace as I slipped into unconsciousness, my burdens slowly becoming a thing of the past.
“Eira, forgive yourself, because if you don’t, you’ll never know what it means to be free.”
Chapter 12
Ilistened to Genesis’ briefing on our next assignment. Ryoko and I would be doing this and it was a bit complicated, but I knew we could do it. Seda stood up suddenly from her bed and I looked at her funny.
She had a small smile on her face. “We have a guest.”
My brow rose
. “A guest?”
“Go out to the living room and you’ll see.”
With a shrug, I stood up and left their room. Just as I entered the hallway I saw Ryoko disappear down the entryway hall of the front door. She squealed loud with delight. “Raid!”
A masculine voice chuckled. “It’s good to see you too, Ryoko.”
Two pairs of feet clomped up the stairs and I watched as Ryoko dragged a tall and athletically-built young man, no older-looking than Ryoko or Ryder, with black hair into the living room. He wore ordinary street clothes, had a backpack slung over his shoulder, and unlike a lot of our other associates, wasn’t covered in tattoos or piercings.
“Look who’s here!” she announced.
Raid scratched his head, his amber eyes struggling to look at anything but Ryoko. “Hey, guys.”
I nodded with a smile and the others waved. I looked around the room to find Rylan wasn’t around. Turning, I called down the hall, “Rylan, get out here.”
Rylan’s room door opened in response and he poked his head out. “What’s up?”
A grin spread across his face when he spotted Raid and he jogged into the living room. The two embraced in a friendly hug, bringing a big smile to my face. I could tell Raid hadn’t come by for a visit for some time and, since he was never in one place long, it was hard to track him down.
Raikidan, curious about the commotion, came out of my room. One look at Raid and he was looking at me for answers.
“This is Raid,” I introduced. “Rylan’s brother.”
Raid gave Raikidan a lazy two finger salute. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Raikidan replied. I could tell he was trying to figure out the whole brother thing. He was still having a hard time grasping the concept of how we work in that way.
“And before you ask, yes he shifts into a dog as well,” I explained.
“Can’t control it as well, though,” Raid admitted.
I chuckled. “I have a feeling there’s a reason for you to be stopping by other than to just say hi.”
Raid scratched his head and avoided my gaze. “You guys wouldn’t mind if I crashed here for a little while, would you?”
I snickered and Rylan shook his head with a sigh. “You shifted in public again, didn’t you?”
“Hey, it’s not easy for me to stay like this,” Raid defended. “You make it look easy. Besides, I wasn’t seen. It happened in an alley.”
“But you were kicked out anyway,” Ryoko said.
Raid nodded. “They gave the same reason as everyone else.”
Ryoko smiled and wrapped herself around his arm. “There’s a free room next to the music room. It’s yours.”
Raid grinned. “Thanks.”
There was a glint in Raid’s eye I knew all too well, but I stayed quiet as Ryoko led him to his room. It wasn’t a good idea for him to stay here, but Ryoko was too naïve to know that. Rylan and Raid may be brothers, and they may get along, but not all the time. In fact, when Ryoko was around, they didn’t get along at all.
I tried not to sigh as I watched the two disappear around the corner and notice how Rylan reacted to her gesture. How could she not see what she did to these two? How could she not find the happiness she claimed existed when two men competed against each other to give her everything? Especially after Zeek. He’d have given her Lumaraeon if she asked for it. She should know those signs. I don’t get it.
“Do you not get it, or do you, and wish you could have it?” Seda questioned.
“Stay out of my head, Seda.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting something like that.”
“Speak for yourself.”
She sighed. “It’s different for me, Laz, and you know it.”
“No, it’s different for me, not you. I can’t have things like everyone else can.”
“You don’t see everyone’s thoughts, wishes, and deepest secrets.”
“You can understand those wishes. You can sympathize with other’s emotions. I kill that. It doesn’t matter if the dead have told me I’m not to blame for what happened. That doesn’t change what I did—what I’m designed to do. You don’t have to deal with things like that. You can have what Ryoko has, but you’re too afraid.”
“Speak for yourself,” she muttered. “Oh, and Genesis wants to finish briefing you when you’re done disagreeing with me.”
I sighed and headed to their shared room. I was surprised when Ryoko sauntered around the corner and met me at the door.
“Looks like she wants to talk to both of us,” Ryoko said.
I nodded without a word, not wanting to spoil her good mood with my sour one. She opened the door and we both entered. Genesis lounged on her bed while Seda meditated on hers.
“You wanted to see us, Genesis?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m changing the assignment a bit,” she informed.
I sighed. “You briefed me for an hour and now you’re changing it? I hope you have a good reason.”
“Of course I do!” she snapped. “I just got a call from the rest of the Council and one of our moles has some information we really need. I’m having him meet with Ryoko and disguising it as work for her and the boys at the shop. I’m going to have you two meet this mole in the park and you’re going to bring Rylan, Raikidan, and Raid with you. If Raid is going to stay, he’s going to work, and I’m willing to work around his shifting issue. While you wait for the mole to show up, do some casual surveillance to see if you can overhear anything.”
I nodded. “Okay, sounds simple enough. How will that affect the other part of the assignment you had me learn?”
“I’ll send the original rebel you were to meet up with to meet you in the park. If he doesn’t meet with you before the mole shows up, he’ll do so after. Then you’ll complete the assignment as planned, and you’ll have the boys as back up if needed. We have this retrieval mission well planned out, but there can be snags.”
“Naturally,” I agreed. “My only issue with this is including the boys. More specifically Rylan. We all know how much he hates shifting.”
“I don’t think we’re going to have a problem with that,” Genesis assured.
I knew what she was thinking. If Raid was going to be okay with it, Rylan would make sure Raid didn’t get a leg up on him around Ryoko.
“Um, what about Raikidan?” Ryoko questioned. “We’ve never required him to shift for an assignment before. When Gen sent you out to get lost, Laz, he shifted on his own.”
I scratched my head. “That’s a good point. Honestly, I have no idea what he’ll do when I tell him. The biggest issue will be getting him to shift into something that looks domesticated. He’s still learning that stuff.”
Seda slid off her bed and pulled a large book off a large oak bookcase. She handed it to me and I looked it over. It was a book about domestic dogs.
I smiled my thanks to her. “This should work.”
She nodded and went back to meditating on her bed. I looked down at the book and pretended to be interested in the contents.
“I’m sorry, Seda. I shouldn’t have been so rude.”
“Don’t be,” she replied. “I shouldn’t have said anything. They’re your thoughts and feelings and should be private. It’s just hard to not want you to be happy, especially when I can see how you think.”
“Seda, we both know, it doesn’t matter if I want that life of not, I can’t have it. It’s not my fate.”
She sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t let what I told you dictate what you choose to do.”
“Fate can be changed if you make the attempt to change it. That’s why I must remain alone.”
“Sometimes we seal our fate by trying to avoid it.”
“You know, you should probably go and talk to Raikidan instead of looking over that bo
ok completely,” Ryoko suggested. “We won’t know if he’s okay with the idea until you do, and if he’s not, your looking would be pointless.”
I nodded. “Good point. Do you want me to talk with Rylan or do you want to do it?”
Ryoko shook her head. “No, I’ll do it. You’ll have your hands full with figuring out what to get Raikidan to shift into if he agrees.”
I nodded and headed for the door. “All right. Good luck.”
Ryoko grunted. “Thanks, I’ll need it.”
Doubt it. If anyone could convince Rylan to shift with ease, it would be Ryoko.
I walked out into the living room and looked for Raikidan. When I couldn’t find him there, my room was the next choice. To my surprise though, he wasn’t there either. I looked around. With it being so hot out, he usually opted to stay inside where it was cooler.
Closing the door, I sat down on my bed to think. He wasn’t sparring with Rylan. I would have heard them as I passed the basement. He had to be on the roof. It was the only other place I knew him to go, even if it wasn’t completely logical. Just as I stood up to go check, the door to the bath Shva’sika had installed for me opened.
I blinked when Raikidan strolled out with wet hair and a towel. Shva’sika had used the empty room on the other side of the house to be used as a host room for the bath. She had installed it the day after we had come back to the city, and I had no idea Raikidan used it.
“It is okay for me to use that, right?” he asked as he pointed back to the room.
I nodded. “I don’t see why not. But could you wear your towel a little higher?”
He looked down. His towel looked as though it’d fall off at any moment. “You have a problem with the way I wear this?”
“Yes, I do.”
Raikidan chuckled and strolled over to me. “Well that’s too bad. I’ll wear it however I please.”
Secrets Page 12