But the report said it all.
An Inspector Calls
The Bucket and Shovel is a strange place – quiet and off the beaten track yet close enough to attract the attention of the masses from the city. The premises themselves are over-looked by the amenable and appropriately named Charlie Horse who presides over his residents with a confidence befitting his stewardship. We arrived on a non-market day and Mr Horse was kind enough to show us around his premises.
Sadly, the dry roasted nuts are not quite up to scratch, but I did notice a feast of pickled eggs ensconced behind the bar. This could however be the Bucket and Shovel’s finest point. The smoking room is decidedly light, the cellar totally devoid of any disembodied spirits or dragon hoards. The stables are non-existent, and I noticed no stable boys or serving wenches to hand, though perhaps we were a little early.
The beers are workmanlike and functional, the conviviality of the host at best obscure, and the host in question obviously thinks Beltane is a rare and terrible disease. The redeeming point however, and this is beyond all doubt, explaining surely the reason that all fine peoples of all realms to make their way there as a matter of priority to enjoy the Bucket and Shovel as it should be enjoyed, is
“The Great and Mighty Excalibur that is tied
And attached to the bar there”…
How I Invented International Talk Like A Pirate Day by William
(Age eight and a quarter)
William liked robots, dragons, batman and anything made out of Lego. He thought colouring in was very difficult (Staying in between the lines was really hard) and he had decided that Mickey Mouse was more for kids really. He had a great big wooden fort (lots of soldiers) and a few small spaceships that his Nan had bought for him from the shop at the corner of the street. The red star cruiser with the little radar dish on top was the best one.
What he liked best of all though, were pirates. He thought that it would be great if he could have his own real pirate ship so he could put the skull and bones flag on the top. He thought the pirate flag was pretty cool but the skelington on it scared him just a little bit, though he wouldn’t tell his mum that. William told his mum that when he grew up he wanted to be a pirate and have his own ship then he could sail away and look for treasure and bring loads of duboons back to his mum so she could buy chocolate cake again like she used to do before his dad went away.
He’d probably have to explore lots of little islands and fight monsters to find any treasure, but that’s what pirates did, and that’s what he wanted to do when he grew up too. William was sure that being a pirate would involve wearing a pirate suit so everyone knew you were looking for treasure, so an eye patch and black clothes were pretty much what he needed to wear. He did have a big black duffle coat that made him look very much like a pirate, so that would have to do. Pirate hats were harder to get so he just wore his hood up, and that was his pirate suit. Eye patches however he didn’t like - his mum had made him one once out of cardboard and when he was wearing it he had accidentally walked into the garden fence and banged his head, so he would have to be a pirate without an eye patch. Likewise, William thought parrots were really great for a pirate and so he solved the problem of not actually having a parrot by pretending he had an imaginary one called Toby. Toby could say lots of things like, “who’s a pretty boy, then?” but what he usually said was “pieces of eight”, and he always said it in a piratey parrot voice.
William had a pretend pirate ship too. William’s ship was the good ship Bess (he seemed to remember reading the name in a book somewhere) but it was really mostly made out of his old plastic castle which sat in the big front garden. He was too big for a castle now as it was mostly for little kids, but it made a great pirate ship and William had a great deal of fun pretending to get bad pirates to walk the plank on an almost hourly basis.
William liked the front garden because it was quite big and had a tree. He wasn’t allowed to climb up it though - in fact he wouldn’t have been able to reach the lowest branch for quite some time yet, but it was his favourite garden. Unlike the front garden the back garden was small and had a high fence. The fence in the front garden was quite small and divided the front from the narrow main road that ran in a straight line along it. On the far side a wide alley ran from the street to the street behind, and the back garden had a gate in it that went out there. William’s mum would put the bin out there every Wednesday and from time to time there were loose bags of rubbish people had left there on purpose and William’s mum would tut at the collecting rubbish whilst putting their bin out. The front garden, however, was sunny all day, and of course he had his pirate ship there as well. When he was on deck he had a very good view of anyone coming down the hill and passed the house, and though it was a pretty quiet street (there were never any buses that came down it , which William found a bit of a disappointment), he would occasionally watch the neighbours as they passed his house. Some would say hello, and some would ignore him. William didn’t really care either way, though Mrs Jones over the street sometimes gave him sweets.
William was a bit unsure where he was with sweets from Mrs Jones as his mum had told him many times never to take sweets or even talk to strangers, and he never did. But he knew Mrs Jones. So did his mum. So those sweets were okay, and so he ate them. Besides, they were always fruit gums that Mrs Jones gave him, and he liked them. William was sure they were definitely sweets that pirates would eat. Anyone else he would not have taken them, his mum’s advice on strangers and sweets ringing in his ears. William however, was usually way too shy to talk to strangers anyway, sweets or not. From time to time people would wave to him as he played in the front garden as they passed, and sometimes they would just smile as they went past. Sometimes he would wave or smile back, but not always - it depended really if he was too busy being a pirate or not.
He never ever spoke to Mr Brown next door though. That was Blackie’s fault. Blackie was Mr Brown’s dog and William was scared of it. He was always barking. If William went near the fence that ran down the side of the garden between his house and Mr Brown’s and Blackie was out then Blackie would bark and try to get him. William was sure that Blackie would not be able to jump over the fence, but the first time it had happened he had been really scared and had run in to his mum crying, looking constantly over his shoulder as he ran, just in case Blackie was chasing him. He knew better now. Blackie just wasn’t big enough to clear the fence, but it didn’t seem to stop him trying. Sometimes if William was sure that his mum was busy indoors and that Mr Brown wasn’t looking then William would bang on the fence and watch Blackie jumping and barking until he got tired. Then it was back to being a pirate again. William was pretty sure that pirates did not have dogs, and if they did then they wouldn’t be stupid dogs like Blackie.
On that special Tuesday William was out in the garden playing pirates - it was a very sunny day and he had just had his dinner. So far he had found lots of treasure, and then buried it again as well as making quite a few bad pirates walk the plank. Several skellingtons had been killed and there were lots of duboons in his treasure chest. Despite his success from now on he would think of this particular Tuesday as a special day.
Because this was the day he had met the pirate.
From his deck of his pirate ship the good ship Bess William had a pretty good view of the road. It was a quiet sunny summer’s afternoon and William was thinking of going in to ask his mum for a drink. He was looking forward to a drink of orange. He preferred cola, but his mum wouldn’t let him have that as it made him hypersonic. It was really hot. Looking up the street past the alley he could see the heat shimmering on the empty road. As he watched a man turned the corner from the alley and then turned left, walking away from William’s house. William stared at the man’s back - he had a great big leather coat on and big boots. From the back, William was sure he was a pirate! To his disappointment the man had now turned the corner and gone on his way down the street.
William was consta
ntly disappointed by not being able to ever see any pirates that weren’t on the television or in films. He put this down to the fact that he lived quite a way from the sea - well, he had only seen the sea once or twice, and he and his mum and dad had had to get on a train to see it. He didn’t like trains much, anyway - and the second time he had gone on one he had been sick on the way. Then the pirate suddenly appeared again, now heading towards William. William climbed up further in his ship to get a better look.
The man had a black coat and strange boots that were almost certainly exactly what a pirate would wear. True, he didn’t have an eye patch, a parrot, a wooden leg or even a hat. The thing that made him most look like a pirate was his face. That was definitely the kind of face a pirate would have! Perhaps his boots weren’t quite as long as he had first imagined them, or his coat as long - in fact, it only came to his waist - and he didn’t seem to be carrying a treasure map despite the fact that he seemed to be searching for something. Nevertheless, William definitely concluded that he was a pirate for sure!
The man got nearer but he seemed to be too busy thinking to himself. He was staring at the floor as he passed William, and didn’t seem to even notice him. Continuing on his way he passed Mr Brown’s house and continued on his way up the hill, eventually disappearing over it.
William was really excited. Perhaps the pirate was looking for treasure. But he was gone now! Crossing to the gate he leaned on the bottom of it and looked up the road. No pirate.
William was leaning over the gate now. If he stood on the bottom bar of the gate he could see over it, and the road was quite empty. Feeling a little bit disappointed he thought of going back to the good ship Bess when suddenly the man re-appeared from the alley. He must have gone right around the block! As William watched the pirate started up the road towards him. He was quite close now, though he seemed to be still lost in thought, and looked like he was muttering to himself, though William could not quite hear what it was he was saying. William was now really excited - he didn’t even think of getting down from the gate as the pirate walked past him. To William’s surprise as he passed he nodded to William as if to acknowledge his presence, but didn’t say anything.
As he continued down the road, William could not contain himself any more.
“Are you a pirate?” he said, and the man stopped dead. With his back still to him the man said in a funny accent, “No. I’m not a pirate.” and then he set off again, continuing down the road with his back still to William. He only got a few paces however when he suddenly spun on his feet and turned to face him.
“Why a pirate?” and he looked genuinely puzzled. William noticed now that the man had quite big ears. His mother had said it was rude to stare, but he could not seem to be able to help himself. They were really big! Luckily the pirate did not seem to notice him staring.
William found himself in a bit of a muddle. He knew that he should not talk to strangers, and now he knew that the man wasn’t a pirate - though William thought that he may have not been telling the truth about that - he still definitely looked like a pirate to him!
“Because you have a pirate jacket and boots on. And it looks like you’re looking for treasure.”
“Treasure?” said the pirate, “That makes sense, doesn’t it? “ he seemed to ask himself. Then he gave a great big grin that seemed to occupy all of his face. He took a step closer to William and held out his hand. “I’ll be a pirate then. And you are?”
“William” said William, and briefly shook the pirates hand. William felt really pleased with himself. He had finally met a real pirate! “I’m eight.” he continued and then paused to think for a moment, and in an effort to appear accurate, added “and a quarter.”
“Eight and a quarter, eh?” said the pirate. “Well Bill...”
“Noooo” said William, remembering what his mum had said about his name. “It’s William. Not Will and definitely not Bill. William.” and he smiled.
The pirate smiled back at him. “Sorry William. Anyway, are you a pirate as well then?”
William felt really pleased that the other pirate had recognised that he was a pirate too.
“I am.” he said, “That is my ship over there - “The good old Bess”
“That’s a fine ship” said the pirate. “Very good indeed.”
William watched the man staring at the good old Bess for a while, and it seemed almost as if his thoughts had drifted far away. “Wool gathering” his mum called it, thought what knitting had to do with thinking William just couldn't’ figure out at all.
“Have you met any other pirates?” asked William, and the man grinned once again.
“One or two.” said the pirate. “Blackbeard was a funny kind of bloke. Had a thing about burying everything.”
“Blackbeard?” said William. He had read all about him. He had a book in his bedroom. “He used to set fire to his beard to scare his enemies.” he informed the pirate with a knowing nod.
“Nah.” “Said the pirate. “I think that was just an unusual shaving accident.” He rocked backwards and forwards on his feet as if thinking about it. “Mind you - it would explain why he was cross a lot of the time.” and he laughed at that. William found himself laughing too, and the two pirates stood there across the garden gate for a while, laughing.
“So do you want to be a pirate when you grow up?” asked the pirate.
“yes.” said William, “and have my own ship with my own crew.” the pirates eyebrows rose a little at this. “And find lots of treasure.”
“Hmm” said the pirate. “I don’t think there’s that much treasure left, really” he said, and he was leaning against the fence now, arms crossed across his chest.
“I did worry about that” said William. “There might not be as much treasure around as there used to be”
“Not many people burying it anymore” agreed the pirate. “Could be a bit tough being a pirate all of the time.”
“I could also be a postman” said William. He had considered this. Postmen seemed to have a good job, if you don’t count Blackie next door chasing their postman every time he saw him. If he could manage it then he could possibly have two jobs.
As if he had heard his thoughts Blackie suddenly ran into the garden next door barking. Without turning from the fence the pirate suddenly shouted in a loud, deep voice, “Shut up that barking!” which made William jump a little. To his surprise, Blackie went quiet straight away, and slunk back off towards his house.
“Doesn’t really mix, does it?” said the pirate, as if nothing had happened. “Burying treasure and sailing the seven seas with the odd day off here and there to deliver a few letters.”
“Not really.” pondered William, and he went back to thinking of another way to manage being a part-time pirate.
“I suppose you could be a pirate for a day.” said the pirate, looking as if he had thought about this all of a sudden.
“Once a year?” said William, and he thought that this was an okay kind of idea if he could definitely be a pirate once a day every year. There would definitely be enough treasure to go around then!
“Once a year.” said the pirate, and there was that great big grin.
“Right William” he said, and suddenly stood up from leaning against the fence. “A pirate day seems like a fantastic idea. National pirate day. No - International pirate day. You could talk like a pirate, have pirate parties …” he paused as if considering this. “Right. I seem to remember hearing something back in 1995. Okay.” he started to move away, “Back shortly William. International talk like a pirate day. Fantastic!” and he walked quickly away, turned into the alley and was gone.
William was just a little bit confused by the conversation, and a little bit sad that the pirate had gone, though he had said he wouldn’t be long. He could not imagine what he was talking about or where he had gone, though! So he turned back to the good old Bess and considered killing another skellington or two. He thought about going in to as it had suddenly gone ju
st a little bit windy. That soon passed though, and it was sunny once again. Plus, he didn’t want to miss the pirate when he came back. That he would be back William had no doubt at all.
To William it seemed like an hour, but was probably ten minutes, there was the sound of shouting from the alley and the pirate suddenly re-appeared. With him were two men. William didn’t think that they were pirates though. Both were dressed in funny clothes. A bit like holiday clothes, he thought, and one of them was carrying what looked like a tennis racquet, but a bit longer. William knew all about tennis because his mum liked to watch it on the television. He thought it was boring, and would rather be out in the garden being a pirate.
The pirate arrived at the gate with the two men. William thought they looked just a little bit scared, or shocked perhaps and wondered if the pirate had told them off like he had told Blackie to be quiet. They certainly looked as if they had been told off.
“Hello again William” said the pirate, and he gave a strange little wave with his hand.
“Hello.” said William.
The two strangely dressed men gave him a little wave too, though William thought that they both still looked scared. “Hi man.” said the bigger one of them, though the other one gave a kind of small wave that seemed to say, “sorry - can’t quite speak just yet”. William thought the man had a very funny way of talking. He sounded more like a cowboy. He hoped that the pirate hadn’t got the wrong people. Not that he knew what they were doing there at all in the first place. William began to feel a bit confused.
Paul McCartney's Coat Page 10