Paul McCartney's Coat

by Michael White

  “Some of these are quite nice though.” she said, and Billy snorted.

  “The gargoyle with the squint seems to have caught my eye.” he said, laughing. “Or at least I think it has - it’s quite difficult to tell, really.” Sue tutted at him and went off wandering around the smaller pots and planters. Billy stayed on the bench.

  “Oh look, Billy.” she said, stooping down to look closer at one of the pots that seemed to be in the shape of a bucket. “The potter has put his name inside.” Billy got up from the bench and wandered across. Sure enough, inside the bucket the potter had signed his name with some rough implement, possibly even his finger. “Henry’s bucket” it read on the inside of the bucket at the top. On the bottom of it on the inside he had also written, “Made in England”.

  “That’s quite good.” Billy was forced to concede. He could see where this was going now. “This one has Andrew’s Urn” written inside it, and this one says, Roland’s Planter.” Sue had paused now by what was evidently “Henry’s Bucket.” Billy waited patiently whilst she summed it up.

  “I think we’ll have this one.” she said eventually. “It’s quite nice and much sturdier than the plastic ones.” She nodded her head. Billy knew her mind was now made up. “It’s really nice too.” Billy sighed out loud and wondered why on Earth the heaviest stuff in the garden centre was always furthest from the tills.

  “I’ll go and get a trolley then.” he said, knowing full well he now probably needed two bags of compost and apart from that the bucket looked quite heavy too. As he made his way past the tills he had to suffer the looks of the assistants’ disappointment that he was daring to leave empty handed. Either that or they thought he had been shop lifting. On impulse Billy stopped and bought a large round lollipop from the counter and unwrapping it, was still sucking on it furiously when he reappeared once again, this time dragging a long rusty trolley with him. He waved happily as he went past.

  ***

  “It will probably look better over there by the bushes.” said Sue, and Billy rose slowly from his crouch and carried the empty pot once again over to the other side of the garden. He was just glad that he had not as of yet filled it with the compost or it would have probably been too heavy to carry around for long.

  “That’s it.” she said, smiling from the back porch. “Just right. If you fill it with the compost I’ll put the primroses in it. It’ll look lovely there.” Billy dragged the first bag of compost over to where the bucket now was and propping the bag of compost up against the bush went to get his trowel. Billy was just exiting the shed when he saw the bag of compost slowly slipping against the bush. His heart sank as it finally tipped and in doing so also knocked the bucket on to its side. The bucket came to rest with a loud clunk. Billy registered two things at the same time. One, Sue arriving back onto the porch at exactly the wrong moment, having seen everything, and two, the pot now sitting on its side.

  A loud tut rose from the porch as Billy shot across the patio. “Fancy resting the compost on a bush, you dozy beggar!” Sue shouted. Billy was relieved however as he approached the bucket to find that it was much hardier than he had given it credit. It was still intact, although now lying on its side.

  “It’s alright Sue.” he said, getting hold of the garden ornament to right it. “All in one piece.” Sue smiled as she heard this, but then seemed to frown once again as she stared at the bucket.

  “What’s that written on the bottom of it?” she said, suddenly curious. Billy recognised the look. This was the history detective side of her.

  “Probably says, “Other side up.”” he muttered, getting his glasses from his shirt breast pocket.

  “I heard that.” said Sue, laughing as Billy put on his glasses.

  “Actually, there’s a bit more than that.” he said, and began to read. “It looks almost like a rhyme or something like that.” Slowly he traced the words with his finger, reading them out loud as he did so. “Run I can, but cannot walk. Sometimes I sing, yet never talk. Lack arms, though have hands; no head have I, but have a face. What am I?”

  Billy stood up, righting the bucket. “What the bloody hell’s that all about?” he said, but Sue had gone quiet, lost in thought. She asked him to repeat the words once again and Billy watched as she wrote them down in the kitchen jotter as he did so. Billy knew that this was what she was like when she was working on the family trees, and decided to leave her to it. Slowly she returned indoors, and taking off his glasses he began to fill the bucket with compost. He was halfway through the second bag, and thinking that he would have a little bit left over that would probably end up under the rhododendron when Sue appeared once again, waving the note pad and smiling.

  “It’s a clock.” she said, and Billy frowned.

  “Eh?” he said, trying not to look completely confused and failing miserably.

  “A clock.” she repeated. “It’s like a riddle. A clock runs but can’t walk. It sings when it chimes, has hands, no head and a face. A clock face.”

  “Very clever.” said Billy, and he meant it. “But why’s it written on the bottom of a bucket? What’s wrong with “Made in China” or something like that?”

  “No idea.” she said. “But I like it. Quaint. That’s what it is. Anyway, you can come and wash your hands and start the tea. I’ll do the flowers now.”

  Billy put the trowel to one side and up ended the remaining dregs from the bag of compost into the border. It was at that point that they discovered they had forgotten to get the primroses.

  ***

  Negotiating the troughs and pits of the garden centre car park Billy and Sue parked up and made their way first indoors, past the sales assistants (Billy was tempted to buy another lollipop), and then back outdoors to the plants and ornaments section once again. Billy became quite curious however as Sue completely ignored the flowers arranged in trays and made her way back to the collection of clay and stone objects towards the back of the outdoor area.

  “What are you doing, Sue?” asked Billy who was now in hot pursuit of his wife, who was already busy nosing amongst the large array of garden ornaments.

  “I’ve been thinking.” she said. “I think I am looking for a clock.” she paused, ignoring what appeared to be two stone hedgehogs waltzing. “Or a clock face, anyway.”

  “What - like this one?” said Billy, pretending to lean on what was a large pedestal covered in stone ivy, about three foot high with another bowl moulded at its top. At the base of the stone pillar amongst the carved stonework was a small stone clock face, the hands indicating it was always going to be ten past three.

  “It’s fast.” said Billy as Sue scurried over, peering at the object.

  “Turn it over, Billy” she said impatiently. “See if there is anything on the base of it.”

  “It probably weighs a bloody ton!” protested Billy. Sue gave him a look and so he crouched down and began to tip the pedestal to one side. Sue crouched down to join him, producing a small jotter from her handbag. Slowly Billy managed to edge it to one side, whilst at the same time supporting its weight so that Sue could have a look at the base.

  “Bloody staff will think we have gone barmy!” whispered Billy, and he wondered why he had lowered his voice. “Is there anything there?” Sue however, was grinning wildly and scribbling quickly on the jotter. Eventually she nodded to Billy and went to sit on the bench as he righted the pedestal once again. “Let’s have it then.” he said.

  “It’s another one!” said Sue excitedly. “Here we go.” Billy joined her on the bench and leaned in closely. “Two arms have I, but fingers none. I have two feet, but cannot run. I carry well, but have found I carry best with my feet off the ground. What am I?” Billy looked around him as Sue continued to stare at the pad.

  “Is this like a treasure hunt or something?” he said as Sue sat pen balanced on her bottom lip looking at the pad.

  “No idea.” she said, winking at him before returning her attention to the pad once more. “Two feet. Two arms. Can c
arry.” she paused, trying to make sense of it. Billy sat back, taking in the sun. Looking across the garden ornaments all around him.

  “Sounds like a wheelbarrow to me.” he said, and pointed. “A bit like that one over there.” Sue gasped as she saw that one of the stone ornaments was indeed a small wheelbarrow, in the top of which plants could be placed. She almost ran to where it was.

  “Quick!” she shouted. “Turn it over!” Billy did run over to it, and grasping it firmly upended it, finding to his surprise that this time it was actually much lighter than it looked. They were both amazed to find that the bottom of the barrow was covered in the same crudely scored writing. Carefully they read the verse, Sue writing it down as she went.

  “Only one colour, but not one size. Though I’m chained to the Earth, I can easily fly. Present in sun, but not in rain. Doing no harm, and feeling no pain. What am I?”

  Billy and Sue sat back on the bench. “Blimey!” said Billy. “This is definitely getting harder.” Sue just sat staring at her pad. Much to Billy’s disdain they were still there an hour later, at which point he finally got fed up and dragged Sue off home. It was only when they got back, the riddle still unsolved, that they realised that they had forgotten the primroses yet again.

  ***

  “Buggered if I can suss it out.” said Billy as he put his feet up on the foot stool, relaxing after their tea. He had just finished the dishes and had spent a little more time on it than he normally would in order to give Sue a bit of space to do some thinking. She was currently deep in thought, jotter on her knee and a pen dangling from her right hand, tapping on the arm of the chair. Billy doubted if she had even heard him. He had spent a bit of time poring over it himself, to no avail. It was a complete mystery. They had sat in almost complete silence as they had eaten their tea, both of them trying to make some sense of the riddle, and hopefully where it would lead them next. Yet they were still stumped.

  “Chained to the Earth, I can easily fly.” said Billy out loud, trying his best to make sense of it. “What is stuck to the ground but can fly as well?” Sue tapped her pen just a little harder on the arm of the chair in irritation. “Is it a cloud?” he finished, hopefully.

  “Don’t see many clouds stuck to the ground now, do you?” said Sue, her growing irritation starting to become more apparent.

  “I suppose not.” said Billy. “It’s the only bloody thing I can think of though.” he sighed, and went back to staring at the wallpaper.

  Sue continued to examine the jotter. “I can’t see how this one works.” she finally sighed before putting the jotter down on the arm of the chair, rubbing her eyes as she did so. “It has to be an object of some sort. The other two were. I just can’t see what kind of object would be there in the sun but not in the rain.”

  “We could just go to the garden centre in the morning and turn all the ornaments over.” said Billy hopefully, to which Sue just smiled.

  “That would be cheating!” she exclaimed. “Besides, we would probably be locked up as a pair of nutters!” Billy laughed at the thought.

  “Just a thought.” he said. “Mind you there’s probably hundreds of them. We’d be here all bloody day!”

  “Well I think it would be better if we enter into the spirit of things.” she finished, and picked the pad up once more, sighing as she did so.

  “I suppose so.” said Billy, even though he wasn’t one hundred per cent convinced, and the pair of them settled into silence once again. After a while Billy decided to water the garden and left via the back porch door to make sure the flowers in the garden got a good dousing. He was out there for a while, during which Sue could hear the hose pipe being dragged backwards and forwards. She returned to the riddle but was getting nowhere. Eventually she realised that Billy had been quiet for a while, and tutting to herself she put the pad down and went to see what he was up to. She often thought that like children that had been too quiet for some time, old men were cut from exactly the same cloth and if had gone a little bit too quiet then they were definitely up to something. She was surprised to find however that as she entered the garden all that Billy was up to was staring at clouds, the hosepipe now forgotten at his feet. She had not realised how long she had been looking at the riddle as it had by now started to go quite dark.

  “What ARE you doing?” she said, and Billy startled slightly.

  “Just watching the clouds.” he said, as if he had been caught doing something that he should not have been doing. “They are great, aren’t they?” Sue smiled and went to return to the house.

  “Come on in, you silly old sod.” she said as she turned to return to the porch, the light streaming from inside the house now cutting across the patio. She stopped dead in her tracks.

  “Billy!” she almost shouted. “Come here!” Billy shot across the garden and stood beside her in the light coming from the house. Sue pointed off to one side.

  “What, Sue?” he asked. “Are you alright?” Sue did not answer but continued pointing. “What?” said Billy, beginning to get annoyed. Sue ran into the house and brought the jotter back out with her.

  “Only one colour, but not one size. Though I’m chained to the Earth, I can easily fly. Present in sun, but not in rain. Doing no harm, and feeling no pain. What am I?” she said, and then pointed to their shadows growing long behind them. “It’s a shadow.” she said, smiling. Billy rubbed his chin, thinking.

  “Okay.” he said. “Let’s go through it.” he took the pad off Sue and read. “Only one colour. Okay. Black. That fits. Not one size. That fits too. Chained but can also fly. The fly bit is a bit sneaky, but it works. Present in sun. That’s a definite. Rain not seen. Okay. Does no harm or causes no pain.” he stopped, considering. “Bugger me!” he laughed and embraced Sue. “Well done you!” Sue smiled and they returned to the house, sitting down once more.

  “It still leaves us with a puzzle though, doesn’t it?” he said as they settled, and Sue frowned.

  “In what way?” she asked.

  “Well.” frowned Billy, “It’s not an object is it? We’ve had a wheelbarrow and a clock. Now this. There isn’t going to be an object that is a shadow now, is there?” Sue considered this.

  “Perhaps it’s one that casts a shadow?” she said indecisively.

  “Well that narrows it down!” laughed Billy. “They’ll all cast a shadow, won’t they?” To which Sue was reluctantly forced to agree. They sat pondering on this for a while, but didn’t get anywhere. After some time they put on the television and pretended to watch some programme or another until it was time for bed.

  “I think it’s another visit to the garden centre in the morning.” stated Sue, and Billy groaned to himself, contemplating the continuing wear and tear to the car’s suspension.

  ***

  Sarah put down her note pad, her eyes wide. This was turning out to be a real bonus! Quietly she was enjoying the older couples company as well as being lost in their tale as well. She could hardly wait to write this one up for the paper!

  “This is turning into a real detective story!” she said, and Billy and Sue nodded almost in unison. “I don’t understand the shadow bit though.”

  “Nor did we.” said Sue. “It was a real puzzler, that. That was when it started getting harder, I think.”

  “Gave me a fair old run for my money.” agreed Billy. “Of course it also meant that we were on our way back to the garden centre as well. I was beginning to think that I was going to have to sue them for damage because of their sodding car park. Like a mine field it was. I’m sure it’s buggered the suspension up on the car.”

  Sarah turned a page in her notepad. “So what happened next?” she said, and the gleam in her eye was not entirely that of a journalist who wanted to know what to write down next. She was completely caught up in the story.

  “Well, for a start we were waiting on the doorstep for the garden centre to open the next day.” Billy said, chuckling. Sue joined in too.

  “I’ll bet that doesn’t ha
ppen to them very often.” she noted. “Anyway, once they let us in it was straight off to the outdoor area and the display of garden ornaments once again...”

  ***

  “I don’t think they’ve opened up the doors yet.” said Sue as they crossed the greenhouse display area, and ignoring the vast displays of seeds and bird houses, yanked on the large door that led to the outside display area to pull it open. It wouldn’t budge so Sue stood almost hopping from foot to foot until a member of staff arrived some five minutes later to unlock and yank the door open whilst at the same time giving the couple standing there a very strange look. Billy returned his stare, as if daring him to make some kind of sarky remark, which the member of staff seemed to decide better of, and left hastily. They went through the now open door and walked briskly to the long lines of garden ornaments, and began to carefully examine each one. Sue began her search with the large collection of animal ornaments to start with, almost as if she was willing the word “shadow” and “ornament” to suddenly spring to life in front of her and failing miserably. As Billy caught up with her she sighed loudly and sat down on the bench they had been sitting on the day before.

  “Looks like we are stuck again.” she said. Billy wandered up and down amongst the aisles of strange stone objects, stopping to inspect one or two periodically before moving on. Eventually he had to concede defeat too and sat down beside Sue on the bench.

  “None of them seem to have a shadow in the design.” he sighed. “Mind you, what ornament does?”

  Sue sighed. “That’s true.” she paused to think for a while, then started to think out loud. “So the riddle says a shadow. But you can’t have a stone shadow.” Pause. Billy shuffled beside her, trying to catch her train of thought.