What if she’d turned to Proctor for that very reason, because he was the only one who appeared to take her seriously? All he would have to do is be sympathetic, getting her to reveal all the details of what was going on, including her suspicions about Sanders and her problems with Willie. That would give him the perfect vantage point to orchestrate the attacks on her. He could have arranged for the scattering of the Oestrus newspaper scraps on Junior Exhibition Day, prompting the fight with Willie that led to the end of their engagement, isolating her further. Then, by changing the time on the Philosophy Club invitation, he would subject her to one humiliation, softening her up for the ultimate fiasco of the literary society meeting. At the same time, he was spreading rumors about her among her professors, when he had probably been the person who had removed her essays from their mailboxes. Definitely diabolical.
But how could she and Caro prove any of this without getting one of the students to say that it was Proctor who encouraged him to target Grace? Most of the young men who participated might not have even known what role Proctor played. That would be especially true if Proctor had worked through a single student like Elliot Sinclair, who then organized the rest of the students. And would any student be willing to admit something that might implicate a faculty member? Not likely. Not with the death of Willie Caulfield in the background. She and Caro couldn’t be the only people who wondered if the death of Grace’s former fiancé was in any way related to what had been happening to Grace.
As the crowded horsecar passed her on Kearney, Laura congratulated herself on her decision to walk home. Spring had finally come, and even with the sun having just set, the air was still warm. While she was tired from standing and setting type for ten hours, she knew that exercise would revive her. Besides, at this time of day, with the horsecar stopping at every intersection, she would probably get home quicker by foot, and she was looking forward to spending the evening with Annie, going over all she and Caro had learned.
Once again, they would be having dinner without Nate because he would be working until ten or eleven o’clock. She wanted to march right into his law office and tell him what a fool he was being, that his wife needed him, not his income. But Annie had made her swear she wouldn’t reveal any of what she’d shared last Sunday.
Besides, Seth might still be working in her brother’s office, and she certainly didn’t want to run into him.
Just thinking about Seth working for her brother, and not telling her, got her upset all over again. The explanation that Nate gave Annie, that Seth hesitated about telling her about the job as law clerk because he didn’t know how she would react to learning that he was thinking about law as a career, was simply ridiculous. Why would he care if she approved or disapproved? It was his life.
She stopped to watch a wagon with a towering load of wooden chairs lumber through the intersection of Kearney and Post. Then she sighed. She wasn’t being honest. She cared about what Seth thought, so why wouldn’t he care about her opinion? She just couldn’t understand why he thought she would disapprove.
It seemed ironic that at the same time Seth started to consider law as a career, she had begun to question whether it was the profession for her. But I didn’t tell him that, did I? Why not? Because I felt foolish about having made such a fuss about being a lawyer, then changing my mind? Maybe if I’d been honest with him, he’d have been more honest with me.
Wasn’t that the point of good friendship, being completely honest?
But Celia didn’t want complete honesty from her about Ned. And Annie had helped her see that imposing her opinions on Celia, when she hadn’t been asked for them, wasn’t kind. And wouldn’t kindness also be important in a friendship?
It’s all so confusing.
However, as she tried to follow Annie’s admonition about being honest with herself this week, she had learned a hard truth about the nature of her friendships with Celia and Kitty, her co-workers at her job, even Caro. She discovered that she never really had expected these friendships to be more than temporary. They were more the result of convenience or—in the case of Caro—a shared purpose than anything deeper. Even more surprising, this realization didn’t bother her all that much. Except when she thought about Seth. She found the idea that they would drift away from each other agonizing.
The only other time she’d felt this way was with her friend from normal school, Hattie. And Laura was convinced that, if given the chance, she and Hattie would have figured out how to move beyond being school friends to being life-long friends. And that was what she wanted with Seth.
No, I’m not being completely honest. I want more than friendship, life-long or not, with Seth.
That was what had caused her sleepless nights this week, because she had no idea how Seth would react if…no…when she told him how she felt.
But tell him she must, because memories of her friend Hattie combined with Annie’s frank confession of her fears about her confinement had reminded Laura that—given how precarious life could be—you needed to tell the people you loved that you loved them, before it was too late.
Chapter 42
Saturday evening, April 16, 1881
San Francisco
“Spooney—Dead gone.” College Slang Dictionary, 1881 Blue and Gold Yearbook
Seth leaned up against the gas lamp at the corner of Taylor and O’Farrell, looking up towards Geary where the North Beach and Mission horsecar should soon be making its turn south. This afternoon, when Nate mentioned that Laura had canceled her planned trip to her family’s ranch outside of San Jose and was pulling her regular Saturday shift, Seth determined that he couldn’t pass up this chance to speak with her.
He asked Nate if he would mind if he left at five for a couple of hours to do some personal business. Nate had given him a funny look but said yes, of course. Seth was already giving him more hours of work today than usual because he would start his job running the big Babcock press at Rashers and Neppier at midnight rather than his usual seven o’clock shift in order to get the special Easter edition out.
He hoped that Laura was coming straight home, not going off on some wild goose chase with Miss Caro Sutton.
Stop it. Thinking like that’s what got me in trouble.
Seth couldn’t believe he had been so unfeeling on Sunday, coming out with that old homily about poking a bear, right on top of Laura learning from Celia that he’d been working for her brother. Couldn’t have been worse timing. No wonder she had been giving him the cold shoulder all week. He had to figure out a way to explain.
“I assume you were waiting for me?”
Startled, he looked up to see Laura standing in front of him, her eyes bright in the reflection of the gas lamp, her lips slightly parted in a smile.
Damn it, she is so beautiful! But now’s not the time to get distracted.
He said, “You walked from work?”
“Yes. I guess you heard I canceled my trip to spend Easter with my folks. Nate told you?”
“He mentioned it…didn’t say why.”
“Annie asked me to stay because Nate’s being a complete idiot and neglecting her. You probably know as much about that as I do…seeing that you probably spend more time with him than either of us.”
“Look, Laura, I need to…”
“Explain? Yes, you do, but not in the street. We can talk when we get inside.”
She turned and started to walk towards the boarding house, and he followed.
Once in the front hallway, Laura ushered him into the study. She handed her hat and gloves to Kathleen, who had appeared, alerted to the bell in the kitchen that rang when the front door opened. After telling the maid to inform Mrs. Dawson that she was home and would see her at dinner, she turned and asked Seth if he was planning on going back to the law offices after they spoke. When he said yes, she instructed Kathleen to ask Mrs. O’Rourke to pack up a basket with some dinner for him and Nate, saying he would pick them up from the kitchen when they were done talking. Finally, sh
e told Kathleen that she didn’t wish to be disturbed and closed the study door, leaving the two of them alone in the room.
Seth had never seen Laura behave in quite this fashion. Decisive, grim.
His heart began to pound.
She’s going to tell me she doesn’t want anything more to do with me. Don’t blame her. But what will I do then?
Her back against the door, Laura said, “You were going to explain.”
“Not explain, apologize. I’m sorry I gave the impression I agreed with Ned or Celia in blaming you for what happened with Bart Keller.”
“Sorry you gave the impression?”
“I mean, that’s not what I think. And I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you earlier about working in your brother’s law office on Saturdays.”
There was a long pause. Noticing he was turning his Stetson around and around in his hands, he stopped, letting the hat dangle at his side.
Finally, Laura crossed her arms in front of her and said, “I do think an explanation is in order for that, Seth.”
He said hurriedly, “I didn’t know how to tell you about the job without telling you I was thinking about starting on a law degree next fall.”
Laura cocked her head and arched one of her expressive eyebrows and said nothing.
Seth realized that his usual strategy—saying the bare minimum in dangerous situations—wasn’t working. He swallowed, his mouth unaccountably dry, and added, “Didn’t want to tell you about applying to Hastings law college until I was sure that’s what I wanted to do. Didn’t want to upset you unnecessarily.”
“Why did you think I would be upset?”
“Thought maybe you’d feel like I was poaching…since pursuing the law is your plan.”
She spat out, “You really think I’m that selfish?”
“Of course I don’t,” he said, thinking that he was just digging a deeper hole.
I should just shut up. No, that won’t get me anywhere.
He tried again. “I was nervous about what you would think of the idea, but I was primarily worried you’d be hurt to learn I wasn’t going to be going over to Berkeley every day, since this would mean we wouldn’t see each other as much. Now I realize how arrogant that sounds.”
There was another long pause. Laura finally said, “If you really believed that I would be upset about getting less time to see you next term, why did you stop meeting me for dinner on Saturdays, or coming to the boardinghouse for Sunday dinner, this term? I thought you’d been enjoying those meals together with me as much as I did, but I guess not.”
Seth turned and carefully put his hat on the table next to the bay window, thinking furiously for an explanation that wouldn’t reveal that the real reason why he’d cut back on spending time alone with her was that he was afraid he was getting in too deep and might cross a line at some point and tell her how he really felt about her.
Taking a deep breath, he turned back and said, “Look, I made a hash of things. Once it occurred to me how angry you would be that I hadn’t been honest with you about working Saturdays, I kept coming up with excuses for why I wasn’t available for dinner.”
Laura shook her head, clearly not believing him. “That doesn’t explain why you stopped coming to have Sunday meals here as well.”
Feeling on firmer ground, he said, “I was afraid you would use the hour or so before Celia and Kitty arrived to tell me details about what you were doing with Miss Sutton, and…then if your brother did ask…”
“You would have to tell him.”
“No, that’s just the point. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t going to report on what you were doing. And honestly…he hasn’t asked. Nevertheless, if he did happen to ask, the less I knew, the easier for me say I didn’t know anything.”
He stopped, hoping she’d appreciate that he’d been trying not to spy on her.
Instead, she frowned and said, “What utter nonsense! Don’t tell me you couldn’t just say you didn’t want to talk about Grace Atherton. It’s not like you’ve ever hesitated telling me before when a subject…like most of your past…is off limits. It’s not as if we wouldn’t have had plenty to talk about instead of Grace.”
Suddenly he couldn’t take fighting any more, coming up with excuse after excuse.
If she’s determined to end things with me, then let it be for telling her the truth.
“The truth is, I tried to limit the time alone with you because I’m afraid. I expect you’ve always suspected I was a coward, turns out I am, when it comes to you.”
“Afraid of what, Seth?” she asked softly. “Afraid to tell me you don’t want our friendship to continue?”
“Oh God, no, Laura, you can’t believe that. Don’t you know your friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me? But I was…I am afraid that if I spend too much time with you—without other people around—I will do something that will make you despise me and end our friendship for good.”
Laura abruptly left her place at the door, and with one swift stride she stood next to him and put her hand on his upper arm, sending a shock that had his whole body thrumming. She said, “What could you possibly do that would make me despise you?”
He tore himself away from her and went over to the table to pick up his Stetson.
His back to her, he said, “I could take you into my arms and kiss you.”
For what felt like an eternity, the only thing he could hear was the pounding of his heart.
Then he heard her whisper, “What if that’s exactly what I want you to do, Seth?”
He felt her arms move around his waist, as she leaned up against his back.
With a sigh, he turned and surrendered.
Laura couldn’t stop smiling, even though her lips felt bruised. She’d been kissed once before by Seth, but she didn’t remember how much his soft mustache tickled, especially when he moved those kisses down her neck.
She was sitting snuggled next to him on the settee in front of the fireplace, deliciously warm and filled with an unexpected sense of well-being. However, she could tell that Seth was becoming more uneasy by the second.
She sat up and said, “Now we talk. Because you aren’t going to be happy until you tell me all the reasons this wasn’t a good idea.”
“Oh, Laura, you know I…”
She put her finger on his mouth and said, “Let’s see if I can’t speed up the process. You are going to say that you are too old for me, which is another way of saying I’m too young and naive. But I will get older, and given everything that’s happened to me over the past two years, I don’t think it is fair to say I am innocent of how the world really works. Right?”
Seth nodded.
“Next, you are going to point out that you are poor and, even if you become a lawyer, that it will take years for you to have the financial where-with-all for marriage. However, since I am equally poor, and I have made it abundantly clear that I am in no hurry to marry, nor do I expect to be supported by my husband, that’s really a pretty stupid argument.”
“What makes you think I’m not expecting you to support me?” he asked, then gave her one of his precious, rare smiles.
She touched his cheek and said, “Finally, I know you are going to say you have black moods. Personally, I think that is your polite way of saying that my cheerful optimism is irritating. Nevertheless, I promise I won’t try to tell you that you don’t have a good reason for those moods, if you will promise to accept that my optimism is part of my nature, not a defect to be corrected.”
After giving Seth a swift kiss, she sat back and said, “Now, your turn.”
He smiled sadly, shook his head, and said, “Those black moods can make me a very unpleasant person to be around. I can say cruel and thoughtless things…witness some of the things I said to you last Sunday. And you’ve seen how my rage can sometimes get out of control. You make light of what the future holds for us, but I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a lawyer. And, while I am currently making good money
running the press, I’ve never stayed in the same place or at the same job for more than three years. How can I expect you to give up your dreams, pick up and move, if I get to feeling too hemmed in?”
Laura leaned up against him and said, “I don’t know all the answers. But if you think I can’t understand why you would need me to take myself off when you get in one of those black moods and let you work yourself out of it yourself, then you don’t know me as well as I think you do. As for the few times you’ve become…violent…it was always in my defense. And if you think I would prefer some effete dandy who thinks that beating up fellow classmates up is good sport, well, think again. As for leaving my career dreams behind, I don’t even know what those are anymore. Today, journalism sounds more to my liking than the law. Tomorrow? Who knows? What I do know is that I want to be with a man like you who expects me to have my own dreams.”
Seth gave her a warm hug, but his voice was still troubled when he said, “Miss Dawson, sometimes you take my breath away, but I don’t think you fully understand what hitching your wagon to mine would mean.”
She knew now was the time to be completely honest.
“I love you, Seth Timmons. Do you love me?”
“With all my heart.”
“Well, then, that’s all that matters. The rest is just figuring things out for the rest of our lives, taking each day and each problem one at a time.”
Chapter 43
Tuesday morning, April 19, 1881
Berkeley
Scholarly Pursuits Page 32