His other sister was the most loving vampire he’d ever encountered and would run across fields to hug someone. He’d never met anyone who possessed the amount of compassion she had. His brother had been so strong, and someone Killean followed like a puppy as he tried to emulate everything his brother did. And his parents, so in love with each other and so happy. The rare times they raised their voices at one of them was when they’d done something wrong, but their patience was something Killean never possessed.
But, after all these years, he realized why he survived—for her. The events of that night forged him into the man he was—one capable of doing whatever was necessary to save and protect her. Killean would never again question why he wasn’t dead too or wish that he’d died with them; he finally had a reason for living other than death.
He would be the man she deserved.
He ran his finger briefly over her lower lip before kissing her, releasing her, and rolling carefully away. Setting his feet on the ground, he stared at the sun poking around the edges of the tan drapes covering the window.
After burning and healing so many times yesterday, he needed to feed again. Because he was her primary source of nourishment, Simone’s blood wasn’t enough to ease his hunger.
Scowling at the sun, he rose and padded naked over to the window. Pulling back a sliver of the curtain, he avoided the sun’s rays as he peered out at the town. Cars packed the busy streets, while people strolled the sidewalks. There was an endless supply of food out there, but it did him little good in the daytime.
He could call the office to order dinner again, but if a woman arrived, he couldn’t feed on her. Releasing the curtain, he stepped away from the window and glanced at Simone before walking into the bathroom. He turned on the light and slipped inside.
He left the door cracked open to hear any noise as he turned on the shower and stepped beneath the spray of water. When he finished, he toweled off, redressed, and returned to the bedroom. Simone remained sleeping while he paced from one side of the room to the other while his hunger grew with every passing second.
* * *
Simone woke and stretched her hand for Killean, but she knew he was gone before her hand fell on the cold spot beside her on the bed. The sound of running water drifted to her, and when she turned, she saw the bathroom door cracked open, but she didn’t see Killean.
Killean. She smiled as she rolled back to gaze at the covered window. Her body felt sated and well used in the most pleasant of ways. She’d never imagined things could be like this between a woman and a man or that she would enjoy being with a man so much.
She recalled the blood she spilled sliding down his tantalizing skin and the sounds of ecstasy he emitted as he demanded more and more from her. Realizing he not only craved her body and blood, but also something more twisted from her would have made the well-bred hunter she’d been run screaming.
The vampire she’d become thrived on every second of it.
She had no idea what that said about her, but she couldn’t deny Killean wasn’t the only one who had some darkness within them. Maybe hers had always been there, buried beneath the years of striving to be perfect. Maybe the torture she’d endured at the hands of Joseph unleashed it, or perhaps Killean unleashed it, but it was there.
And if she really contemplated it, she suspected it was always there. She’d never chafed against her role in the hunter society like Kadence, but a tiny part of her had longed for more than the position she was allotted. She’d successfully buried that small rebellious part years ago, but now it was spreading its wings.
She frowned when she realized the water was still running but it didn’t sound like a shower. Rolling over, she gazed at the bathroom door. All she could see was a sliver of light around the edges, but was that muttering?
Tossing the sheet aside, she rose from the bed and strode over to the bathroom door. “Killean?” she inquired as she rested her hand on the door. “Are you okay?”
Her only response was the running water and mumbled words she couldn’t quite make out. Taking a deep breath, Simone pushed the door open and bit back a gasp when she spotted Killean, hunched over the sink while he washed his hands beneath the flow of steaming water. She had no idea how long he’d been doing this, but the water ran red with his blood as it spilled down the drain. She had a flashback to him standing over the sink in the other motel room, doing the same thing.
“The blood,” he muttered. “The blood is everywhere.”
Simone broke free of the paralysis gripping her as she shoved the door open and rushed to his side. “Stop,” she whispered and rested her hand on his forearm.
“There’s so much blood; I can’t wash it away. It will never go away.”
“It’s your blood, Killean. If you stop, it will go away.”
“It will never go away.”
When his reddened his eyes met hers, her heart plummeted into her stomach with a sickening lurch. It was as if he didn’t see her and was caught in some horror she couldn’t begin to contemplate; she had no idea how to free him.
“Killean?” she whispered. She couldn’t lose him; she just couldn’t.
“It’s everywhere,” he said though he still didn’t seem to see her. “It’s on my hands, on my arms, it’s inside me; it’s stained my soul. It won’t stop flowing.”
“We can stop it.” She turned off the water. She wanted to tell him the blood hadn’t stained his soul, but it obviously had. Clasping his cheeks, she forced his dazed eyes to look at her. “Together, we can do anything, Killean.”
Releasing him, she removed the hand towel from its hanger next to the sink and carefully wiped away the blood to expose the flesh he’d peeled away to reveal the muscle and bone beneath. Tears burned her eyes when she saw the extent of the damage he’d inflicted on himself, but she blinked them away. When she finished, she used another towel to cover his hands and the blood still oozing from his wounds.
“No more blood,” she said as she brushed back a strand of hair curling against the corner of his eye. “Killean?”
She ran her finger down the curve of his cheek and across his scar. His eyes closed, and he turned his cheek into her palm before stepping away.
“I’m fine,” he said abruptly.
Self-hatred coiled in his belly when he realized Simone had once again seen him gripped by the strange hallucinations that seemed to be haunting him.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Simone gazed after Killean’s back when he stepped around her and left the room. She exited the bathroom as he stopped by the battered TV on its wheeled TV stand. He stared at the carpet like its presence there baffled him.
“Killean, what is going on?” she asked.
His gaze dropped to the towel enveloping his hands. He didn’t want to take it off as he wasn’t sure what seeing his blood would do to him. His mind spun as he tried to recall what had driven him into the bathroom earlier.
One second, he was pacing the room with his appetite mounting, and the next he’d felt something warm trickling across his hands. When he looked at them, he discovered blood seeping down his arms and spilling onto the carpet, but no blood stained the carpet now.
However, he’d been convinced the blood was there, and it had propelled him into the bathroom to scrub it from his flesh. None of it was real. It was all another hallucination.
Killean’s lip curled in self-loathing as he tore away the towel. Blood still seeped from some of his self-inflicted wounds, but they were mostly healed. The sight of his blood didn’t send him spiraling into madness, but then he hadn’t been bleeding when the compulsion to wash the blood away gripped him.
“Killean, talk to me.”
He set the towel on the TV stand and turned to face Simone. Worry creased her brow and shone from her eyes. Her distress beat at him through their bond. Her apprehension only made his self-hatred grow; the last thing he wanted was to upset her.
He’d vowed to be the man she deserved, and he was already f
ailing. He owed her an explanation, but he didn’t know how to explain what was happening to him because he didn’t know what was happening to him.
“This is the second time I’ve seen you like this,” Simone said.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” he admitted. “It’s the second time I’ve been certain there was blood on my hands I couldn’t wash away. It’s not there, but when I see it, it feels as real as if it is there.”
He lifted his hands before him, but all he saw were the wounds he’d inflicted on himself. Lowering his hands, Killean met her gaze. “I’m hallucinating it.”
Simone gulped at his admission. He was a vampire on edge and experiencing hallucinations. So much could go wrong with that scenario, and worst of all, it could go wrong with her Killean. “Why?”
“Because I’ve killed innocents. It’s unnatural to me, and I’m trying to stop, or at least I think that’s why. Many vampires who turn Savage choose it for themselves and embrace it, but the Savages Joseph is creating aren’t choosing for themselves and have a harder time with it. Joseph told me some of the hunters fight becoming a Savage so much they sometimes have to starve and set them free a few times before they give in and embrace their new nature.
“We’ve always assumed the Savages Joseph created remained Savage because after a while they stopped caring about killing innocents and lost their morality. And maybe, for many that is true, but I’m beginning to think that part of what keeps a vampire a Savage is if they try to stop killing, they’re driven nearly mad when they deny their hunger.”
And suddenly, the horrible clarity of at least some of what was happening to him hit her. He was going through this because of what he’d done to rescue her. The Savage part of him, the one that craved the pain of others and having it inflicted on himself, didn’t care about the blood it had spilled to free her. However, the vampire, the Defender, the man was haunted by the lives of the humans he’d taken and desperate to purge the guilt from his body, but he never could.
She had no idea why his anguish over what he’d done only emerged sometimes, and in this way, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was saving him from being trapped in this hideous pit of self-hatred and self-mutilation. He’d saved her, and she would save him too.
“Are they nearly driven mad because they deny their hunger or their urge to kill?” she asked.
“I’m not sure,” Killean admitted as he leaned against the wall. “But both times it happened to me, my hunger was almost out of control.”
“You were hungry earlier?”
“I still am, though I feel more in control again. I don’t know how long that will last. I have to feed more regularly now, and the burning and healing took a lot out of me yesterday.”
“Then why didn’t you wake me?” she demanded, annoyed he’d denied himself when he didn’t have to. “You could have fed on me!”
“No, I couldn’t. I’ve been feeding and supplying you; the two of us exchanging blood isn’t enough to nourish us both, especially not me with my increased need for blood.”
“Oh.” Simone’s shoulders slumped as her irritation deflated. “Then we’ll find someone else.”
Killean nodded toward the window. “Sun’s still out, and I did enough crisp frying yesterday to last me a lifetime.”
He’d hoped to sound teasing, but her distress didn’t ease as she gnawed her bottom lip while staring at the covered window.
“We’ll call the office and have them send someone,” she said. “Like you did before.” She didn’t like the idea of setting someone up in such a way, but Killean came first, and he needed this.
“And if it’s a woman?”
Simone opened her mouth to respond before realization set in. “You already thought about doing that and discarded the idea because of what I requested of you earlier.”
“I rejected the idea because no matter what madness resides in me, I will not hurt you.”
“No madness resides in you,” she whispered.
“Something does, Simone. I’m not the man I once was; we both know it. But what I am now, neither of us knows, and you cannot deny that.”
“If you feed on a regular basis, you will hold these hallucinations at bay.”
“You’re so certain?”
“Yes.” And she was sure of it because she had to be. The idea of losing him to something she couldn’t stop petrified her, and if she dwelled on the possibility, it would make her insane too. “And if you stop killing, you’ll one day be able to walk in the sun again, and you’ll beat back this… this…” she fumbled for the right word, “darkness inside you.”
Killean tilted his head to study her. “And until then?”
“Until then, I will help you get through this, no matter what it takes, and we will walk in the darkness together.”
Simone didn’t have a chance to blink before he stood in front of her. Clasping her chin loosely in his fingers, he lifted her face until she was gazing into the stunning, golden pools of his eyes.
“You did not sign up for this insanity when you bound yourself to me,” he murmured.
“I signed up for you, Killean, and if you think I was foolish enough to believe it was going to be an easy journey, then you’re an idiot. I knew it would be difficult, and I did it anyway. Not only that, but I would do it again.”
Killean had never felt so humbled or lost to someone in his life. “No matter what happens, from here on out, you have to know something.”
Simone gulped as she braced herself for whatever bombshell he would drop on her next. “What?” she croaked.
“I am fucking in love with you. In all my years, I’ve never met another woman like you and haven’t loved another; I never considered myself capable of it, but you have proven me wrong yet again. You continuously amaze me, and I will love you until the day I die, Simone.”
That was the biggest bombshell of all as her muscles turned to jelly. Before she could reply, he kissed her. Tears burned her eyes as her hands encircled his forearms.
He loved her. She’d spent her entire life preparing to be the wife of another, but she never prepared herself for love. She hadn’t expected to have a husband who loved her. She’d hoped for it, but it was possible such an emotion would never develop between them.
She had love from her mate though. Even if she was wrong and she lost Killean to this madness, she would forever be grateful to have had him in her life.
“Don’t cry,” Killean whispered as he wiped the tears from Simone’s cheeks. He was aware they weren’t tears of sadness as her joy radiated against him, but he still didn’t like seeing them.
Simone smiled as she shook her head. “You’re a mess, and we’re a mess together, but you’ve made me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. I love you too.”
He smiled at her before kissing her again. Simone was beginning to lose herself to him when she recalled the events that brought them to this place. She pulled reluctantly away from him and clasped his wrists. “You have to feed.”
“Simone—”
“We’ll call the office, and if it’s a woman, I will feed on her, and then you can feed on me. Will that be enough to supply you?”
“Yes, but I won’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask me.”
“Simone—”
“I’ll call now.” She pulled away from him and hurried over to the phone.
She dialed the number for the office and requested more towels. When she hung up, neither of them spoke as they dressed and waited for the knock on the door; it came five minutes later.
“If it’s a woman, I’ll take control of her mind if you prefer,” Killean said. “So you don’t have to do it.”
“Yeah, okay,” Simone muttered. She was nervous enough about the idea of having to feed on someone other than Killean; she couldn’t deal with the mind manipulation thing too.
Killean opened the door to reveal a pretty woman in her twenties on the other side. Her eyes widened on him, an
d the scent of her desire filled the air.
“Come in,” he said, and she stepped into the room.
Simone’s eyes narrowed on the woman as her eyes followed Killean’s every move like a tracker pursuing their prey. Her fangs lengthened, and her hands fisted when the woman glanced dismissively at her before focusing on Killean again.
“I brought your towels,” the woman said and handed them out to him with a flirtatious smile.
Bloodlust thrummed through Killean’s veins when he took the towels from her and set them on the bed. His gaze fell on the pulse in her throat before darting away. No matter how badly the demon part of his DNA clamored to get at this woman, he would keep it leashed. He turned his attention to Simone as he wrangled his Savage nature into submission. Seeing her helped calm him, but not enough that he was confident he could resist the call of the woman’s blood for long.
They had to do this fast.
Turning back to the woman, she jumped when he grasped her chin between his fingers. “You will not move, and you have nothing to fear.”
The woman’s gaze became increasingly glassy while he spoke until she stood slack-jawed and unmoving before him. Killean released her and stepped away while Simone approached. “You don’t have to do this,” he said to her.
“I know I don’t, but I’m going to.”
Apprehension stole through Simone as she gazed at the expressionless woman. She’d fed on Killean, but she had no idea how to go about doing this. He needs you.
Settling her hands on the woman’s shoulders, she stepped closer. The blood pulsing through the woman’s neck caused Simone’s mouth to water, but she couldn’t bring herself to lean forward and settle her mouth against the woman’s throat.
Killean grasped the woman’s wrist and lifted it before her. “It may be easier for you to feed on her wrist. You don’t have to get as up close and personal.”
Bound by Darkness: The Alliance Series, Book 3 Page 24