by R. A. Casey
But he just stands there. He just stares at me. Shakes his head.
“I’m not sure I can believe another word that comes out of your mouth.”
I look him in the eye, and I know I have no choice now.
I know I have to go back there.
Way, way back.
As much as I don’t want to.
As much as it horrifies me to revisit it.
I have to open the door.
I take a deep breath, and I get ready to let it all out.
“When I was a child, I was raised in a sect. A cult. Call it whatever you want. But that’s how it was for me. We called it the Family.
“It was nice there. Boys did their thing. Girls did their thing. We were separate, but it was… well, it was nice. We got a proper education. We went away on holidays. Everything seemed normal and fine.
“I didn’t know any different. You’ve seen Midsommar, right? Well, picture Midsommar, only without the sporadic murders.
“My parents, they did their best. But they were lost in this cult. They were caught up in it. And I was always an inquisitive kid, so I never really totally fit in. I always wanted to break out. But my parents were completely caught up. Some… some horrible things happened. Disagreements happened. And… and well. In the end, I got out. I escaped. I don’t know what happened to my parents. I don’t know what happened to any of them. And that’s… that’s where I went the other day. To the place we used to live. There’s nobody there anymore. No sign of life there. I got away, and I escaped them, and I made a life for myself. But it wasn’t easy. I… I maybe haven’t been totally truthful about one thing. And that’s… I was psychologically scarred by what happened to me in that cult. So my mental fragility… that predates Charlie’s disappearance.
“But… almost a month ago, I received a parcel with something that only somebody involved in that same cult could know. And the things that have been happening to me since… It’s exactly the same. Someone is following me. Someone is taunting me. And something deep inside me makes me wonder if it was them who did something to Charlie all along. To get back at me.”
Freddie just stands there. I want him to say something. I want him to tell me he understands.
But he just stands there.
And then he opens his mouth.
“Your… your parents—”
“I haven’t seen my parents in years.”
He is quiet. Silent. I can see him trying to understand it. Trying to process it.
“And your sister? Elana?”
I open my mouth. Hesitate, just for a moment.
“Her neither.”
He is quiet again. Doesn’t say a thing. Time drags on; the moments stretch out forever.
And then, finally, he speaks.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. You’ve told… You’ve told me you struggle. With your memory. With what’s true and what isn’t true. And all this with Cindy…”
He hits the Dial button on the phone, and I know it is done.
“I’m so sorry, Sarah,” he says. “But this is for you. It might not seem like it right now… but it’s for you.”
I know I should stay here with him. I know he is afraid. Confused.
But I am telling the truth.
I am telling the complete truth.
I hear the phone dial.
I see the pain in his eyes.
And I feel a weight off my shoulders. Telling Freddie this. As much as I’ve tried to run from it, as much as I’ve tried to hide it, I feel better now it is out in the open.
I have told my truth.
I have had my say.
But as he stands there, as the phone rings, I know there are things I need to do.
I know I need to understand.
I know that Gregg and Glynn must be involved somehow.
One of them is lying.
Maybe both of them are lying.
And I need to get to the bottom of it.
I need to understand.
I hear someone’s voice on the other end of the phone.
And then Freddie. “Yes. It’s—it’s my girlfriend. We need to get her help. I think she’s having some kind of breakdown…”
I don’t hear the rest.
Because I look over at the door.
And then I look back at Freddie.
I see him realise what I’m planning, right in that instant.
“Sarah—”
I dash past him.
He grabs my arm, but I slip free.
I run out of the front door.
“Sarah!”
I slam it shut.
Run to my car.
Scramble for my keys.
“You okay, Sarah, love?”
A voice.
Moira.
Standing outside her house, watering a plant.
“Can’t stop, Moira.”
I unlock my car.
Clamber inside.
Freddie steps out the front door, just as I put my key in the ignition, start up the engine.
I look back at him as he stands there, phone in hand.
And I know that if this is my last act before I am sectioned and locked away—for my own good—then I have to make it count.
“I’m sorry,” I mouth.
And then I drive.
I know exactly where I need to go.
Chapter Forty
I sit in my car and stare at the nice little semi-detached house beside me, and I know it’s time.
Freddie has tried calling me several times, so I’ve switched my phone on silent. I thought about messaging him to tell him I’ll be okay, but I realise I’m long beyond convincing him of that. No matter what happens, I know how tonight ends. I know how it plays out. I know he thinks I am crazy.
And maybe I am crazy. Maybe there are things I’m paying far too much attention to and other things I am not paying enough attention to.
Maybe I am imagining things.
But I know one thing for sure.
Glynn’s profile. He’s still with his wife. Even though Gregg told me he and Glynn were in contact now. That they were friends now.
I found it hard to believe at the time. Found a lot of what Gregg said hard to believe.
But now I am at Glynn’s. Because I need to see the truth for myself.
I get out of the car. It’s a nice street. Quiet. Suburban. It’s still light, but the tree-lined pavements make it feel dark, intense.
I see Glynn’s house opposite, and I wonder whether I’m doing the right thing. I could contact him on Facebook. There are a whole host of other options and routes I could take right now.
But I know, deep down, I need to see for myself.
I need to look Glynn in the eye and ask him the important questions.
Because I think he is involved.
I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but I think he is terrorising me.
I walk down the little pathway. Past the garden, the grass a little long. I walk up to the doorway, fully aware that if Glynn does really know the things he knows, that all bets are off the table at this point.
I pull the doorbell, an old-fashioned one that rings through the hallway, and I wait for an answer.
My heart beats. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Even when I have slept, I have been so lost in taunting dreams that I’ve barely rested.
All I can think of is Glynn and Gregg.
The inconsistencies in their stories.
Who is lying?
Who is telling the truth?
Is either of them telling the truth?
Or am I really just losing my grip on sanity after all?
I try the doorbell again. And again, nothing. And for some reason, I have a bad feeling. A really bad feeling.
It’s dark inside.
There are no lights on.
The curtains are closed.
I look over my shoulder. Nobody around. An old woman curtain-twitching across the street, but nothing to worry about too much.
I turn back around and go to pull the doorbell one last time.
I wait.
Nothing.
I sigh. Glynn’s car is in the drive. So maybe he’s just ignoring me. Maybe he just doesn’t want to see me.
But then I guess if he is involved somehow, that would make sense. He would want to avoid me. He wouldn’t want any kind of contact with me.
I go to walk away when I notice a little path around the side of the house.
And at that moment, I want to go around there. I want to see. Because I am worried about Glynn. Worried about why he isn’t answering the door.
But more because I want answers. I want the truth. Before Freddie’s army of sectioneers are launched upon me and take me away.
I look around. No one in sight. And even if there is, what are they going to think? I’m just a concerned friend, that’s all. Nothing more.
“Fuck it.”
I wander around the back of the house. Have a glance through the side window. I can see a lot of boxes. Suitcases filled with clothes.
And I have a bad feeling, again. Because what Gregg said about Holly and Glynn splitting up. Maybe it is true.
Maybe it is Gregg I should be going to see after all.
I walk further around the back. Climb over the gate and into the garden. I see a football net, the goalposts rusting. A deflated ball by the side. The garden looks unkept. The grass long. A dog turd with flies buzzing around it. And not the only one.
I try not to breathe too deeply and walk around the back of the house to the conservatory. I look inside, squint through the window. I can’t see anyone. But I can see one thing. The house looks bare. Like someone is moving out. Like they are in the process of moving out.
And again, it makes me feel uneasy.
Maybe I’ve got this completely wrong.
Maybe Gregg was telling the truth. A weird truth, sure.
But then the woman at the cottage…
I don’t want to think about her.
I don’t want to think about what running into her means.
Someone from the cult.
Living a normal life in a house Gregg claimed he lived at.
It couldn’t just be coincidence.
My heart beats a little faster. I’m getting uneasy. I’m starting to worry I might find something. Something I don’t want to see.
And that’s when I hear the engine of a car out front.
I freeze. It sounds close. Really close.
And even though I know it’s probably elsewhere, deep down in my bones, I sense it is someone from this house.
I hear doors close.
I hear mumbled voices.
I hear Glynn.
I hear a little boy, too. A little boy I know to be Alan.
And then a woman laughs, too.
And then a bark.
And the next thing I know, I hear Glynn say the words that make me freeze.
“…give it another go. But you’ll have to excuse the house. It’s not exactly in the best nick.”
I freeze. So maybe Gregg is telling the truth. Maybe Glynn and Holly split up, and now they’re rekindling things.
But if that’s the case, why didn’t Gregg say anything?
Maybe he doesn’t know.
Maybe he hasn’t heard yet.
Something just doesn’t feel right.
I walk around the side of the house, heart racing, hands shaking, desperate to get out, desperate to get away. Desperate not to be seen. And I know there’s only one place I can go, now. Gregg’s.
I have to find Gregg.
I have to ask him some questions.
And then I have to face whatever fate lies before me.
I stand at the edge of the pathway. Stare at my car. The obstacles before it.
I wait for the front door to close.
For the voices to stop.
And then I wait until I’m absolutely sure the front door closes before making a dash for it.
I run down the drive.
Heart racing.
Chest tight.
Desperate to get away.
Desperate to—
“Sarah?”
I freeze.
Every muscle in my body goes weak.
I look around, and I see Glynn standing there.
Eyes wide.
Alan right beside him.
“What—what are you doing here?” he asks.
Chapter Forty-One
“Sarah?” Glynn says. “Is—is everything okay?”
I see the panic in his eyes. I see the fear on Alan’s face, who Glynn pushes behind him. I hear a dog barking somewhere behind them both. I hear Holly trying to calm the dog, Monty.
I see and hear all these things, and for a moment, I am back there.
Back at the school field that summer’s day three years ago.
Holding Charlie’s hand.
Seeing Glynn.
Glynn coming over to me as I let go of Charlie’s hand, and he lets Alan run off into the distance, too, to watch the band.
Walking the long route to the maize fields.
Fucking him to the sound of the music and staring up at the blue skies.
Getting on my knees as he fucks me from behind—and not for the first time, even though he doesn’t know he’s got me pregnant, even though we swear this will be the last time, just like we always swear it…
Go on, go on, go on—
And then suddenly, something shifts inside me because I feel the tightness around my wrists and the water on my hands and see the brown mole staring down at me from his neck, and it brings it all back, brings it all back as much as I want to fight it, want to resist it, want to—
And then we are both stepping out of the maize fields. We are both walking back through the crowd. Excited but feeling shame. Alan is there. He looks at me, wide eyes. Head down.
Only there’s no sign of Charlie.
“Have you seen Charlie?” I ask him.
He looks at me like I’m weird. His friends laugh at me. Mutter things under my breath.
And I see Glynn there, now, too. The redness of his cheeks.
“Have any of you seen Charlie?”
I don’t want to remember what Glynn says to that.
I don’t want to think about it.
Because that doesn’t line up with the story I have told myself.
“Sarah?” Glynn says. And I am back in the moment now. Back in reality.
Although again, I am starting to question things.
The truth is breaking through.
A truth I have run from.
A truth I have denied.
“Glynn,” I say. “It’s…”
“What’s she doing here?” Alan mutters.
And I feel it sting right away. The way he looks at me. Like I am crazy.
“Alan, go inside,” Glynn says.
“But—”
“Go inside, Alan. I’ll deal with this.”
He looks at me, does Alan. Looks at me like I’m weird. Like I’m crazy.
Then he steps inside the house.
Glynn walks towards me. Rubs the back of his neck. “Sarah. You shouldn’t be here. My marriage isn’t in the best state, and you being here isn’t exactly going to help things—”
“Gregg,” I say.
Glynn looks at me with wide eyes. And then he nods. “Your ex-husband. Yeah. What about him?”
“You’re—you’re friends with him now?”
He opens his mouth. And then he closes it. Sighs.
“Glynn, I’m barely holding on to reality here. Just—just give me a straight fucking answer, please.”
“I didn’t mention Gregg to you when I saw you because I didn’t think it was relevant.”
“Didn’t think it was relevant? You fucking asked about our marriage.”
“And I’m sorry. Gregg and I… I know it’s unlikely, but we just drink together sometimes. I know. It’s weird. I never expected it, but he needed someone to talk to, too, and
I guess it just happened. But truth be told… well, the whole thing spooked me out a bit.”
“Spooked you out?”
He rubs his neck again. “It freaked me out. Seeing you again. At Broughton, too. Especially after everything that happened between us.”
I shake my head. Sigh. “Glynn, that’s the past. What happened between us. The affair. The baby. That’s the past.”
“And you’re too fucking right about that. And now I have a life. I have a marriage to rebuild. What happened with you… it should never have happened. But it did. You should never have even been there, Sarah. At the school. You should never have—”
“Don’t go there.”
He opens his mouth. And I know he’s about to say it. Say the words that fill me with horror. With pain. The words I fear will break me.
“Do not go there,” I say.
He closes his mouth, then. And he looks me right in the eye. “I’ve met Gregg because me and him get on. Despite what happened in the past. He’s been through a rough time. I’ve had a rough time myself. There’s nothing more to it than that.”
“Then what about the messages?” I say.
Glynn frowns. “The messages? What messages?”
“The Snapchat messages,” I say. “The—the stuff about knowing something about my past. The note. The parcel. The—the hair.” I’m beyond trying to hide it anymore. “Was that you? You were near the school field that day. The day I found the parcel there in the woods. Was it you? Was it Gregg? Because—because nothing else makes sense. Nothing at all makes sense.”
Glynn walks over to me. He’s close, now. And I can see Alan and Holly in the background, staring through the window.
He puts a hand on my shoulder. Gentle.
And with all the patience and calmness in the world, he looks me in the eye.
“Sarah. I’m saying this with absolute sincerity. You need to get yourself better again. Because you’ve been here before. You’ve been here before, and you’ve got yourself out of it. So you need to do it again. That’s as compassionately as I can put it right now.”
I know what he’s talking about. I know what he’s referring to. I know what he’s trying to say.
But I can’t bring myself to accept it.
I can’t bring myself to admit it.
I can’t bring myself to face the truth.
“Get help, Sarah,” Glynn says. “Before you go down that hole you went down last time, all over again.”