by Marie Sexton
“I don’t want to push you,” I said to him. “Tell me what you want.”
“I don’t know!” I was surprised by how frustrated he sounded, but there was a hint of laughter in his voice too. “I want you! Jesus, Jared, I’ve never been so turned on in my life, but I just have no idea what to do. I feel like I’m in high school all over again.” He grinned down at me. “At least there’s no stick shift in the way.” I laughed at that.
He kissed me, slowly running his tongue over the roof of my mouth and then over my lips, and then he whispered in my ear, “Jared, tell me what to do. Tell me what you want.”
I knew exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t want to freak him out. “You can say no.” I hated to sound like a damn porno, but he had asked, right? “I really just want you to fuck me.”
He groaned when I said that. His hands tightened on me, and he nodded.
I pushed him up, took the pillow from behind my head and put it under my hips, and maneuvered myself into position, still on my back. He was watching me, stroking himself slowly, and he definitely didn’t look like he was bothered by the idea. He put on the condom I handed him without comment. But when I started to push against him, trying to initiate penetration, he hesitated.
“Will I hurt you?” he asked, and I was moved by how much concern I saw in his eyes.
“No. Just go slow at first.” That seemed like the right thing to say, but I didn’t really expect him to be able to hold back once he started. I was right.
As soon as my body closed around the head of his shaft, his eyes closed, and I felt him shudder. With a groan low in his chest, he pushed the rest of the way in, not hard enough to hurt exactly, but I was glad it wasn’t my first time. Then he froze and seemed to be holding his breath as he said, “Oh Jesus, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” It felt wonderful, actually. I was already arching into him, amazed at how well we seemed to fit together. I realized how close I was to coming already.
“Oh my God, that feels incredible,” he said. He was holding perfectly still yet trembling with the effort of it.
“For me too. Jesus, Matt, I need you to move. I can’t hang on much longer.”
“If I move an inch, I’m going to come.”
“I think that’s the point.”
He smiled a little at that and opened his eyes to look down at me. Still, he didn’t budge. I took one of his hands, moved it between us to my cock, and pushed against him.
That deep purring sound started again in his chest, and he finally relaxed against me and started stroking me off with his hand as he started to thrust. Not deep thrusts, just barely rocking against me, slow and gentle. That exhilarating friction and his strong, rough hand working on me—it was amazing. I reached up and grabbed the headboard with both hands so I could push back and then closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the sensation. It only took a few strokes for me. As soon as my muscles clenched around him, he grabbed me and slammed in hard one last time with a cry that was as much surprise as anything else.
For a minute he stayed there, still inside me, feeling my body spasm around him.
Then he pulled out and dropped down on top of me, wrapped both arms tight around me, and became dead weight. For just a fraction of a heartbeat, I thought he had fainted, but then I realized I could hear him whispering, “Oh God. Jared. Wow. Jesus.” An endless string of breathless words whispered into my hair.
I turned my chin, kissed his ear and then managed to gasp out, “You’re heavy. I can’t breathe.”
“Sorry.”
I pushed hard, and he rolled lazily off of me and lay spread-eagle on his back.
“Wow.”
I was laughing as I got up and made my way on wobbly legs to the bathroom. I cleaned up and brought the towel back in to him. He still hadn’t moved. He looked astounded, blinking at the ceiling. I started wiping him off.
“Can we do that again?” He sounded so earnest that I had to laugh.
“What, already?”
“God, no. I mean, once I can move again.”
“When do you think that will be?”
“Maybe by Monday.”
I laughed and lay down on my back next to him but with my head on his shoulder.
“I’ll give you ’til morning.”
“I didn’t realize it would feel so different.”
“Does it? I wouldn’t know.”
“It was….” He was obviously struggling for a word but settled on, “Intense.”
“‘Intense’ in a good way?”
“In a very good way.”
I laughed again. “I’m glad you approve.”
“And it’s good—? I mean, when, um. You know, the other…?”
“Are you asking me if it really is good to be on the receiving end?”
“Yes.” Obviously relieved that he didn’t have to elaborate more.
“It can be, yes. It was just now.” I shivered a little, remembering. “Are you worried about it?”
“A little. Well.” He laughed nervously. “More than a little, to be honest. But I trust you.”
“There’s no hurry.” But now the rational side of my brain was starting to make noise again. “Matt, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Why are you asking that now? Isn’t it what you want?” He sounded mostly amused but also a tiny bit exasperated.
“You know it is.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
So I told him about my conversation with Chief White. But when I was done, he just shrugged. I couldn’t see it, but felt his shoulder move under my head.
“You’re not worried? A few days ago, you didn’t want them to know.”
“I know. But I realized something. They all assume we’re lovers anyway—that’s what they’ve thought for months now. You have no idea how many times since your birthday they’ve teased me about our ‘lovers’ quarrel’. The fact that I was here the other night only reinforced it. The only way to make them not think it would be to never see you again. And that’s not an option. So if they already assume it’s true, and I want it to be true, and you want it to be true—well, I guess I just couldn’t see any reason anymore why it shouldn’t be true.”
“I love your logic.”
“I thought you would.” I could tell he was smiling even though I couldn’t see his face.
“So the Chief’s wrong? You don’t have to make a choice?”
He turned toward me, nudged me onto my side so that he was tight against my back, and wrapped himself around me like a blanket.
“I’ve already made it, Jared. He thinks I have to choose just one, either you or my career, but I don’t. I choose both.” He kissed the back of my neck. “I’m not giving you up for anything. But I’m not quitting my job either.”
“Is that really possible?”
“Trust me.”
CHAPTER 23
AFTER that, Matt made no effort to hide our relationship. He still had his apartment, but more and more of his things were finding their way to my house, and he spent every night in my bed. I certainly had no complaints about that, but I was surprised to find that I was suddenly the one who wanted to avoid being seen together in public. When we weren’t lovers and I knew people might think we were, it hadn’t mattered. But now that it was true, I was suddenly embarrassed. I was sure that everybody was staring or whispering about us. I knew it was childish and completely illogical, but I couldn’t seem to stop worrying about it. And it wasn’t hard to convince him to stay home with me those first few days.
The biggest point of contention, however, quickly became his coworkers. Specifically, my unwillingness to meet them or spend time with them.
“Jared, just meet them,” he said on more than one occasion.
“Why would I want to meet them? I know what they think of me.”
“I know it will be awkward at first, but it will help in the long run.”
“No!” I couldn’t believe he expected me to subject myself to th
eir derision.
That exchange began to take on the repetition of a broken record.
Of course we went to Lizzy and Brian’s for Thanksgiving dinner. The minute Matt walked in the door, Lizzy flew at him and threw her arms around him with a squeal.
“Oh Matt, it’s so good to see you!”
“You, too, Lizzy.”
“I told Jared you would pull your head out of your ass eventually!”
He turned bright red but said, “Right, as usual.”
She beamed at him.
Brian brought James in and started to hand him to Matt. Matt’s reaction was the same as mine had been.
“I can’t hold him! What if I drop him?”
“You won’t.”
James looked tiny in Matt’s big hands. Matt sat on the couch holding him for a while.
He unwrapped him and checked all of his fingers and toes. He brushed his fingers over James’s cheek and smiled when James turned his head toward them, his tiny lips making suckling sounds.
“He’s so tiny.”
“Yes.” Lizzy rubbed her hand on the top of Matt’s head. “Are you going to help Jared watch him on our date night?”
“You bet.”
“Then I hereby name you an honorary uncle. Uncle Matt.”
He gave her his dazzling smile. “I like the sound of that.”
THE day of my meeting with the high school committee arrived. I made an effort to look a little more respectable than usual. I spent a ridiculously long time trying to get all of my curls back into a ponytail and wore the one pair of slacks that I owned and a button-up shirt and tie.
“Wow.” Matt said when I came out of the bedroom. “You’re really pulling out all the stops. Are you nervous?”
“Very.”
“It will be fine. I’ll have a beer open for you when you get back.”
I felt like I was going off to war, and I was armed for battle. I had thought it over and decided that I was going to fight them. I took a copy of my teacher’s certificate with me and the supportive letters I had received from some of the parents. If the parents wanted me to tutor their kids, why did the school have to get involved at all?
Walking into the high school was strange. I hadn’t been there since I was a student fifteen years earlier, but it seemed like nothing had changed. The mural on the wall was the same; the strange speckled linoleum was the same. Even the weird smell was the same. I felt sure that I could walk up to my old locker and open it up, and my books would still be sitting there waiting for me. It brought back all those feelings from my high school years of trying to hide what I knew I was. It didn’t help my confidence any.
The “committee” consisted of four people. Mr. Stevens, the band director, was one of them. Alice Rochester started to make introductions, and I was surprised that they were assuming we were all on a first-name basis.
“This is Ann, our math teacher.” Alice indicated a small blonde woman, younger than me, who probably had every one of her male students wrapped around her finger. “And Roger, our science teacher.” About my age, but short and pudgy. “And I think you know Bill, our band instructor.” Of course he was wearing a bow tie. I shook hands all around and then sat in the chair they had left for me.
“Jared,” Alice began, “we’ve been hearing a lot about you lately. Several of our students have been talking, and we’ve had a few calls from parents too.”
“Look, if this is about the tutoring, I have notes from the parents, and I have my teaching certificate—”
“You brought it with you? Oh good! I meant to ask. So, I take it you know why you’re here?”
“I assume it’s because somebody thinks that I can’t tutor a few kids without acting like a damn pedophile and groping a few of them, but I assure you—”
Suddenly there was a lot of fidgeting and paper rustling, and everybody was looking up at the ceiling, appearing very flustered. Everybody except Mr. Stevens. “Jared,” he said kindly, “I’m afraid you have greatly misconstrued the purpose of this meeting.”
“I have?”
“Would I be here if the agenda was simply to persecute you for your sexual orientation?”
“Um….” I felt like an idiot. I looked around at everybody. Alice and Roger were still fidgeting and looking somewhere over my head, but Ann was smiling at me. “Jesus. I’m sorry.” Why can’t I ever keep my mouth shut? I couldn’t have just waited to see what they had to say before I started raving at them? I took a couple of deep breaths, and when I looked around again, I was relieved to see that they had started to look at me again. “Boy, this is embarrassing. Listen, how about I just shut up, and we can start over?”
Alice gave me her toothpaste commercial smile again. “Jared, I had no idea you were expecting to be attacked when you came in here, although it does clarify parts of our conversation the other day.” Just when I thought I couldn’t be more embarrassed. “I should have been clearer. The reason we asked you to come here today is this: we’d like to offer you a position here at the school.”
And if she had told me that she was going to strip naked and jump off the building, I wouldn’t have been more surprised. “You mean, like a job?”
“Yes. ‘Like a job’.” Her mouth twisted into a lopsided grin, and I think she almost winked when she said that. “The truth is, Jared, most of our teachers are overloaded right now. They’re teaching more subjects than they can handle, and many of them are teaching subjects which they never specialized in. The higher math and science classes especially have been, um, a little bit problematic.”
“What Alice is too nice to say,” Ann cut in, “is that Roger and I don’t know what the hell we’re doing.” Alice started to protest, but Ann cut her off. “It’s true. I never intended to be a math teacher. That’s just how things ended up. I can teach the lower level classes fine, but the truth is, advanced algebra and calculus are over my head.” She looked over at Roger.
He nodded. “It’s true. I’m a biologist. And I can manage with chemistry. But physics is beyond me.”
Alice started again now. “Ann and Roger have been doing their best, but the fact is it’s a terrible disservice to the students.” Nods all around.
Ann spoke again. “We don’t have that many students who make it to calculus or who want to take physics, but there are a few. So many of them struggle, and I’ve never been able to help them much.” I remembered Ringo saying his teacher didn’t know anything. I hadn’t realized he was right. “But all of a sudden, this year, students started getting A’s. They started catching me making mistakes.” She was turning red. “That’s not fun in a class of high school kids, let me tell you. And it wasn’t long before we started hearing all about you.”
“So, you want me to teach?” I knew that was a stupid question, but I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around it. I had been so sure that I was walking into a battle. I still hadn’t quite recovered.
“The position would start in January, at midterm. I’ve put together a package for you with information on benefits and pay. We can’t pay you much. You could make more teaching in Boulder or Fort Collins, but since you already have a home here in Coda, we thought maybe we could convince you.” She handed me a folder filled with papers. “Take some time to think about it and talk it over with your family. Feel free to call me with any other questions in the meantime.”
“The fact that I’m gay isn’t a problem?”
It was Mr. Stevens who answered, and I realized he had probably been included in this meeting specifically for this reason. “It’s not a problem as far as the school is concerned. I can’t lie to you—there will be parents who will complain. Not many, but a few. However, the fact remains that, like band, physics, advanced algebra, and calculus are all electives. So parents can decide. If their personal prejudices are more important than the furthering of their children’s education, well, frankly, it’s not our problem. I’m not going to lie to you, Jared. It’s not always easy. Kids can be mean and so can their par
ents. But it can also be very rewarding.”
“I, uh….” I wasn’t exactly being articulate. “I’m really sorry about earlier. I had no idea. I really don’t know what to say.”
“Well, we hope you’ll say ‘yes.’”
CHAPTER 24
SOME rational part of my brain knew that I should be thrilled about the job. But the rest of my brain, which seemed to be the bigger part, felt nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t really put my finger on the source of that anxiety. Partly it was the shop and knowing that I would be putting Brian and Lizzy in a bad spot. Part of it was the knowledge that some parents wouldn’t like it. Part of it was my own memory of the things that had been said about Mr. Stevens by some of my fellow students back when I was in school. Was there more to it than that? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that the very thought of taking the job had me breaking out in a cold sweat.
Matt was overjoyed when I told him. He actually picked me up in a bear hug that had my ribs aching.
“That’s amazing! And you thought they wanted to chew you out. Are you going to call Lizzy?”
The thought of telling Lizzy was nauseating. “Not right now.”
“Can I call her?”
I couldn’t even look at him when I answered. “No.”
“Why not?” and the happiness in his voice had been replaced by confusion.
“Because, I don’t know yet if I’m going to take the job.”
“What?”
“Which part of that sentence confused you, Matt?” I had meant that as a joke, but it came out sounding snarkier than I intended.
“Fine.” And now he sounded hurt and angry.
“Let’s just make dinner, okay? We can talk about it later?”
I was still avoiding going out with him. He flinched a little every time I insisted on making dinner at home and his eyes got a little darker, but we never argued about it.