by Jillian Dodd
I half open my eyes.
Did I mention that I am in love with this boy? One hundred percent completely stupidly in love with him? (No, you didn’t, but we know.)
Gaze into his eyes and kiss him. Eventually he has to stop kissing me and drive us back to school.
We are lazily wandering back up toward my dorm, hand in hand,when I hear a voice say, “Keatie?”
Oh, shit.
It’s Dawson. Sitting on the steps in front of the dorm, waiting for me.
I drop Aiden’s hand. Freeze.
“Uh, hey, Dawson. Uh, what’s up?”
Aiden grabs my hand back in his, says, “Hey, tonight was great. Don’t forget our meeting at seven.” Then he leans in, kisses me on the cheek, walks away.
Dawson says, “So how was your date? You’re both pretty dressed up.”
“Dinner was good. Aiden was able to read most of the menu, well parts of it anyways and it was nice. How was your night? What’d you do?”
He grabs my waist like he always does and pulls me in toward him. And you would think that after the feather and the amazing kissing that my body would not respond to this. But it does. My hips slide in towards his. But I can’t kiss him. I pray he doesn’t try to kiss me.
“Complained to Bryce the entire time you were gone. He finally told me to shut the fuck up. So I came out here to wait for you.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, so I have to get in there. Sign in.”
I give him a hug and say, “Just text me, we can talk.”
No, we are both ah-mazing.
10:45 pm
Laying in my bed, just finished telling Katie all about my night. I touch my lips with my finger. Close my eyes, can feel the feather running across me. It’s really amazing....okay. Hang on.
I grab my Mac. I sound like a group of 12 year olds at the mall. This skirt is ah-mazing. You look amazing, No, we are both ah-mazing.
Time for a new word. Amazing is so overused.
Okay, so here are some options: astonishing, awesome, fascinating, incredible, marvelous, prodigious, shocking, stunning, surprising, unbelievable, wonderful, extraordinary, rare, something hard to put into words, makes your heart beat faster.
Okay so tonight with Aiden was extraordinarily, unbelievably wonderful.
And ah-mazing.
My phone buzzes.
Hottie God: Hey :)
Me: Hey :) Tonight was wonderful. I enjoyed it.
Hottie God: Didn’t quite end the way I wanted it to.
Me: Yeah, I was shocked to see Dawson sitting there. Sorry about that.
Hottie God: Omg, just tell me.
Me: Tell you what?
Hottie God: Did you kiss him?
Me: I did not. I hugged him. Told him I had to get inside. Told him to text me. He hasn’t.
Hottie God: I still have your earring.
Me: I need it back.
Hottie God: Why?
Me: I’m thinking of having it bronzed.
Hottie God: Does that mean you liked?
Me: Did I look like I liked it?
Hottie God: It’s not sex.
Me: Did I look like I liked it?
Hottie God: You looked like you loved it.
Me: I did.
Hottie God: Night, Boots :)
And then...
Dawson: Keatie...
Me: Dawson...
Dawson: You’re killing me.
Me: You killed me first. (LOL!)
Dawson: Do you like him? Did you kiss him? Did you have sex with him?
Me: I do. I did. I did not. And I can’t believe you would think I would.
Dawson: I’m feeling uncontrollably jealous.
Me: Why were you waiting for me? What did you want?
Dawson: To talk.
Me: So talk.
Dawson: This sucks.
Me: Yeah it does. What you did sucked. I was very happy with you.
Dawson: Do you want to be wood? (I like it better in the final version when he asks if she wants wood. And her response.)
Me: Wood?
Dawson: Woo-ed or be woo’d
Me: I want a boyfriend that thinks I am worth some effort. Aiden opened the car door for me tonight. It was a simple gesture, but spoke volumes. He’s the only boy that has ever opened a car door for me that wasn’t getting paid to do it.
Dawson: I can do romantic.
Me: I’m going to sleep now. Night, Dawes.
Dawson: No heart?
Me:
So...you’re complicated.
1 am
One am and my phone is buzzing. It wakes me up.
Dallas.
I text him back...saying Cave?? He says, Now.
So I throw on some sweats, a big sweatshirt, uggs and sneak out.
Dallas has our blanket spread out and is laying across it.
“So how’d the big date go?”
“It was good. He’s very romantic, very much a gentleman. It’s refreshing.”
“Dawson’s not a gentleman?”
“I think Dawes and I have never been on a real date. We’ve like hung out, he took me for burgers one time and that was fun, but it’s always just been lets hangout.”
“So....you’re complicated. What does that mean exactly?”
“It means I have no idea what to do.”
“Maybe Dallas can help with that confusion.”
And he kisses me.
Kissing Dallas is so different than kissing Aiden or Dawson.
Yeah, I know.
But I really do not need a lecture right now. I KNOW I shouldn’t kiss him. But as he reminded me when I mentioned that in between kisses, I’m single. I can kiss whoever I want.
So back to kissing Dallas. Kissing Dallas is like comforting. He’s like the stuffed bunny I used to drag around by it’s ear when I was three and wouldn’t go to sleep without. He wraps his arms around me, and I lose myself in his kisses.
And I swear, my lips have lost their sense of decency.
Thursday, September 29th
Kissing you is like a vacation.
English
This morning. Student Council meeting, missed first period for a social committee meeting with the dean for the final countdown, find Dallas walking to our english class.
“So I decided kissing you is like doing yoga or meditating.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s good, therapeutic. You don't confuse me. Like kissing you is relaxing. I don’t think when I kiss you. You don't ever try anything.”
Then I look at him, puzzled. “Why don’t you try anything?”
“Because I know.”
“Know what?”
“Look, you’re my friend. You’re gonna go through a lot of boys during your four years here. I’m the guy thats gonna be here because he cares about you. Boys are going to come and go. I’m always gonna be here. You, me, our special place. You make me relax too. I told you, it’s like my get away. Kissing you is like a vacation from school.”
I stop and give him a big hug. “I’m so glad it was you I sat next to.”
“Me too, Kiki.”
Riley comes sauntering up. “I need one of those too.”
“A hug?”
“Yeah.”
So Dallas gives him a big hug.
“Uh, not really what I was looking for, dude.”
We all laugh. Riley wraps his arm around me and pulls me into a hug. I lean the top of my head into his chest, and he kisses it. “Come to our game tonight. I know the weather sucks, but we need people cheering for us. Also, the three of us, we need a date night. Like just us, go to the cave or hangout this weekend.”
“It’s French weekend. We have stuff going on both nights.”
“Saturday morning then, we’ll go sit in Dallas’s room and talk. K?”
“It’s a date. How would I get to the game?”
“I’m sure my brother would be happy to drive you. Just tell him you want to go.”
We can be mise
rable together.
Lunch
Aiden is no where to be found. I’m sure he’s doing social committee stuff too. For a fun idea, this has been a lot of work. I hope it goes over well.
I’m in line, and Dawson comes up and grabs me around my waist. It’s so familiar feeling. It makes me smile.
“Come sit with me.”
So I get some lunch and then go sit down next to him, Riley, Dallas, Ace, Bryce, and Jake. They are discussing the JV game tonight.
“So we’re thinking about going to the JV game.”
“That’s cool.” I say.
Dawson rest his hand on my leg, turns toward me, “Would you like to go with me? We can get some dinner on the way, and then go sit in the rain and be miserable together?”
“Wow, when you put it that way, how can I refuse?” I smile at him.
“I love you, Keatie.”
And I know I should feel all warm and fuzzy when he says that, but right now, it just sort of feels inappropriate.
Nothing good.
French
Aiden drops his back pack down on my desk. I see that attached to the zipper is my feather earring.
I touch it. “I take it I’m not getting this back?”
“Naw, I might want to use it again.”
“I see, so you’ve been MIA all day. What have you been up to?”
“Working on a special project for our dorm. We’re building something. It’s one of those things that is turning out to be more work than we planned. But all the sophomores in our dorm are the ones working on it. And I think it’s going to turn out pretty cool.” He laughs. “Or really lame. Hard to tell at this point.”
“I think I’m coming to your away game tonight.”
“Really? That’s cool...” Then he stops. “With Dawson?”
“Well yeah, but him and a bunch of the varsity guys.”
“I heard you were out last night. The cave.”
“How did you hear that?”
“Dallas said something to Riley about it, and I overheard. Sorry, I’m not stalking you or anything.”
And I think about Dawson, how cute he is when he stalks me. Meeting me after classes, how adorably handsome he looks and how it makes me feel when I walk out of my dorm and see him sitting there on the brick wall. Maybe he just has a different kind of wooing.
“Okay.” I say, not sure where this is going.
“So you kiss him?”
“Who?”
“Dallas? Did you get high and kiss?”
“We didn’t get high, but yeah, we did.”
He locks his teeth together. Looks mad.
Annie comes rushing in, slides herself quickly into her desk. “Oh, I thought I was going to be late. What’d I miss?”
From behind me Aiden says, “Nothing good.”
Shit. He is mad at me.
Again.
Are you effing me?
6:10 pm
I’m in the car with Dawson. He decided that he’s going to romance me, I guess, so we’re alone in the car. Dawson has a sweet car, bad ass BMW, modified with all sorts of special body molding and aftermarket customization. He’s got the radio turned up, his hand on my knee. We turn out onto the highway, and he turns down the radio.
“So, we’re alone. We’re out on the highway. Anything come to mind?”
And I’m thinking and well, no, nothing comes to mind.
“Uh?”
“I’m driving, you maybe want to do something fun to me? Something a little naughty?”
Then I get it. He wants road head. Are you effing me?
“Sure why not,” I say. “That sounds very romantic.” And I sigh, look at the passenger side window, and fight back tears. But I don’t win the fight. I turn and face Dawson and say, “Hey, I don’t feel well, take me back to school please.”
He sees my tears, “What’s wrong, why are you crying? Oh, I was just joking.”
“No you weren’t. You didn’t open the door for me. You didn’t make any plans for tonight. And your idea of romance is asking me to blow you while you drive. We’re done, Dawson. This isn’t gonna work. I deserve more than this.”
He lets out a big sigh, puts his hand up to his face, pulls off the side of the road, turns to me. “Keatie, I was just joking. Can we not joke anymore? Have fun? We had sex the other night. It was amazing, like always.”
“I’m sorry. That was my fault. You make me want you, Dawes. But I shouldn’t of. It’s not fair to you.”
“How is it not fair to me?”
“It makes you feel like you have an advantage. I’m sleeping with her, she’s mine. It’s giving you the wrong impression. It makes you think things are okay with our relationship when they’re not.”
“I’ve done stuff for you. The necklace, the cake.”
“It’s not about buying me stuff. We just never dated. And that’s not your fault. I never gave you the chance to woo me. I was upset about Brooklyn, came to your place, and you made me feel amazing at a time I was feeling really bad about myself. I slept with you way too soon. And the boom, we were together. And then you were telling me you loved me, and we’re going to meet my parents, and then Boom, we’re done. Then I couldn’t resist you the other night. I do love you. I want to feel close to you. But I want to feel close to you in ways other than just sex. I don’t think we should have sex for awhile. Does that make any sense?”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know. I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“I hate the thought of you kissing anyone else.” Then he kisses me. Sweet, I’m sorry kisses. All mixed up with my tears. As usual with our kisses, they quickly turn from sweet to full of desire. He pushes his seat back, pulls me over, so I’m on his lap.
Pretty soon I’m doing exactly what I just told him I wouldn’t do.
And it feels amazing. (Oh, this scene made me cringe to write. I have to say. But she is so torn. And just . . . I don’t even know. When I was writing it, I was ready for her to just be with Aiden already, but dang Dawson kept being all sexy.)
“Just so you know, I’m taking you to a cool little place for dinner tonight. I am planning to woo you, and not just with sex.”
“Really?” And I start crying again.
“Why does that make you cry?”
I sniffle, cry through the words, “Because it means I don’t have to feel bad for what we just did.”
“And you feel bad? How can you feel bad about something that feels so good?”
God, I wish it was that simple.
Should it be that simple?
“Because it’s not that simple.”
“How much simpler can it get, Keatie? I love you. We have sex. Amazing, like mind blowingly good sex. I love to hang out with you. I’m sorry if it seems like all we do is hang out, but I just feel so good, so comfortable with you, that I haven’t made a big deal of going out on dates. But I’m not going to lose you. I’m serious. If that means I have to pull out the big guns and fight for you, that’s what I’ll do.
I shake my head, dry my tears and feel so much better.
He drives a bit further and takes me to a place that seriously looks like a hole in the wall. The outside is rundown, needs painting, needs a new sign. But I notice the parking lot is packed with cars. It’s a casual mexican restaurant and there is a long line of people waiting to get in, but Dawson walks up to the front, says a few words, shakes the guy’s hand and motions for me to follow him. The guy leads us through the restaurant and then out a sliding glass door.
I now see why the place is so packed. There is a huge courtyard under a glass roof. The glass roof is sparkling clean, and you can see the colors of the sky, clouds floating by as the sun turns them various shades of pink. There’s little twinkle lights everywhere. On the ceiling, in the huge potted trees. We are seated at a table that is set between a couple trees and has a feeling of seclusion. Dawson pulls out my chair for me and grins at me as I sit down.
“This place
is very cool. How did you ever find it?”
“I wanted to take you somewhere special. I’ve been looking up restaurants all afternoon.”
I lean over and kiss him. “Thank you.”
He grins, “We’re not done yet.”
He orders us chips and queso, and we happily talk and munch. He tells me about how his little brother just got caught sneaking a girl into his room at midnight, how he is very grounded, but his dad is secretly proud.
Sexiness runs in family, I think.
Some men playing mexican music stroll up to us and start serenading us. I’m always embarrassed my this, but Dawson loves it. He smiles and then stands up and puts out his hand for me to join him. I take his hand, and he pulls me into his arms to dance with him.
We got to the game a bit late. The second quarter had just started, and we were down by a touchdown. It started to sprinkle rain. The rain got harder, the field got muddier, Dawson held me tighter. Pretty soon it’s the end of the game, the score tied, there’s only a few ticks left on the clock. We were at the 26 yard line, and Coach sent Aiden in to kick a field goal for the win.
He walked out onto the field, looked at the goal post, stopped, and looked at me. Then he did a complicated looking thing with his hands. His thumbs and pointer fingers formed touching double o’s, then the rest of his fingers formed sort of a bridge above the o’s. Sort of like you would make a heart with your hands, but I have no idea what this would be. He took a few sideways steps, the ball was snapped, Logan lined up the laces, and he kicked it straight through the goal posts. (This is adorable.)
The guys all went rushing out on the field to congratulate him, and we all cheered.
I’m laying on my bed trying to mimic what he did with his hands. When all of a sudden, I see it. I’m pretty sure he was making a four leafed clover.