“To the tree,” Mitch instructed.
They sprinted, full on, neither holding back.
Mitch made it there first. He slowed to a walk, breathing hard with his hands on his hips. He watched Liana come up behind him.
They both smiled at each other as they recovered their breaths, now both walking. Mitch pulled Liana to him and kissed her on the head. “You’re okay, aren’t you?”
Liana nodded. She buried her head in Mitch’s chest, uncaring that it was drenched with sweat. “I’m still learning how to do this, Mitch. I promise I won’t break any more glasses.”
“Damn straight. I’m replacing them tomorrow with plastic ones.”
* * *
He was true to his word. The next day, Liana found a dozen acrylic tumblers in the cabinet. She smiled. Where on Earth did he find these? Then the smile faltered as she recognized how close she was to hurting him yesterday. She was just so damn tired. If only Jayne would sleep through the night. If only the team’s budget were in order. If only she could organize a practice match in Europe... and South America. If only...
She had never mulled with “if only-s" before.
Yesterday’s run was a dose of clarity. She needed to get out of the house. Liana emailed Jacintha to let her know that she would be off-line for the rest of the day and that she was to call only in an emergency. She needed time to think. She packed Jayne’s bag, making sure she had enough snacks, nappies, and baby wipes. Liana strapped the smiling baby into the pram, caressing her daughter’s cheek gently. Jayne gurgled as the buckles were snapped. As tired and overwhelmed as she felt, she recognized the miracle of her daughter in her life. Becoming a mother may have been unexpected, but it was a good unexpected.
She walked aimlessly, stopping at an empty local park to breastfeed Jayne. Once fed, Jayne was happily lulled to sleep by the steady pace her mother had set. With no destination in mind, Liana continued to move, blind and deaf to her environment. Her mind felt full of nothing.
Instinct rather than intention led her back to their street. She had been wandering for hours. Liana spied Mitch’s truck from a few houses down. He was home. She realized guiltily that she hadn’t once checked her phone or left a message. Right on cue, Mitch came out of the house. Relief was evident in his face, but he didn’t move to join them. He stood waiting at their driveway.
When they reached him, Mitch leaned over to kiss Liana. He turned to the pram when their daughter cooed and waved excitedly. She was alert and happy. Mitch reached for Jayne, inhaling her scent as he took her into his arms. He looked at Liana. “Are you all right?”
Such a simple question. She didn’t want to lie to him. So, instead of answering, she walked past him into the house. “Are you hungry? Let me start on lunch.”
“Liana...”
Jayne’s senseless babble kept the house from being completely silent. Liana knew Mitch was watching her. She sensed his worry. Knowing that Jayne now had her father to watch her, she escaped. She took her laptop out and worked in the guest room the rest of the day, numbing her mind with videos of men running in a field halfway around the world. She could function in her work world. She knew what to do there.
Later that night, after Jayne was asleep, Mitch sat with Liana at the dining table. He reached for her hand, caressing it. She didn’t want to look up. She didn’t have anything to give him right now. She wished she did.
“Please look at me, Liana. You’ve barely said a word to me all day,” he said.
She could hear the concern in his voice and responded to his plea. Taking a deep breath, she met eyes that reflected his love, his fear, his confusion. She wanted to say something but—nothing—it took too much effort to say anything.
Mitch squeezed her hand. He made sure she was looking at him when he spoke. “I don’t know how to help you. I wish I did. I’m here with whatever I got, but I don’t think it’s enough. You’re somewhere I can’t reach you. I spoke to Kelly. She has a few people you can contact for help.”
The rawness of his voice prompted her to say something at last, “Mitch... I...” But what was there to say? She had no answers. She didn’t know how to get out of this black pit she found herself in. Liana shut her mouth again.
Mitch waited, but Liana stayed silent.
“Let’s go to Auckland and stay at the Meriton,” he said. “Season’s over, so I can take care of Jayne. That way, you can work on getting better. Let’s get you some help.”
Liana pulled her hand from under his. “You want us to leave here? Our home?”
“Yes,” said Mitch, his voice breaking. “You need help. We need help. And the doctor Kelly recommended most is in Auckland. Jay used him.”
“And Jay’s dead.”
Mitch grimaced. He leaned forward and reached for her hand again. She gave it to him listlessly. The anger had disappeared as quickly as it had flared. Liana wouldn’t look up to meet Mitch’s gaze. She didn’t want to see the disappointment in his face.
“I don’t want you hurt or dead. I need you. Your daughter needs you. But we can’t help you,” Mitch said. He paused. “I wish we could.”
She walked away from Mitch at that point. She went to their bedroom to lie down. He was right behind her. He lifted the covers and joined her, putting an arm under her body to draw her closer to him. His other arm went under her breasts, securing her in his arms. He hugged her tight, encircling her with his warmth. Her head was beneath his chin. They lay there quietly for a few minutes. She pulled his arms closer around her, hoping he knew she needed him.
He whispered. “Do you remember the first time we met? At the End of Winter Ball? Connor said I looked like I had never seen anyone so beautiful. He was right. You were laughing at something someone said. That’s what made you beautiful to me: you laughed from your heart all the way to your eyes. A day without you smiling makes my day less right, Liana. You haven’t been able to smile like that in a long time.”
“It’s not your job to make me smile, Mitch.”
“No, it’s not. But as someone who loves you very much, I want to do whatever it takes to put you in a place where you can smile. I may not be able to walk with you on this path, but I can be behind you all the way, to catch you if you fall.”
Liana turned her head slightly, deepening herself into Mitch’s hold. She always felt safe in his arms. She didn’t have to be strong with him. He was strong enough for both of them.
Liana sighed. She wanted to climb out of this darkness. She needed to. She couldn’t be the wife and mother she wanted to be until she did. She could function, but she couldn’t live. And that’s what she wanted to do: live as a wife to a fantastic man and as a mother to the miracle of her daughter. But it was up to her.
“I’ll go to Auckland and meet with Jay’s doctor,” Liana said. “But you need to stay here. Jayne needs one parent who can be there for her all the time.”
“I don’t know if I like the idea of you being alone...”
“I’ll be okay, Mitch.”
“Liana....”
“I can’t do this if I’m worried about Jayne. If you’re with her, I won’t worry.”
“Promise me you’ll call me if it gets too hard. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Promise me?”
Liana knew what he was really asking. Her cheeks were damp with silent tears she hadn’t realized had fallen. “I promise.”
“I’m there for you. Always, Liana. Even when I’m not, I’m there for you. I need to know that you will remember that.”
“I’ll remember,” she promised.
Liana felt Mitch sigh. “Stay home tomorrow morning. I’ll take Jayne with me to visit my parents. I’ll be back with lunch.”
* * *
The next morning, Mitch and Jayne left a sleeping Liana at home. He didn’t sleep well; Liana was restless. But he held her all night. Never religious, Mitch found himself praying that the decisions they made would be the right ones.
He was scared. I can’t lose her.
Mitch knew his mother sensed something wasn’t right as soon as she saw him. She took Jayne quickly from his arms before nodding to the dining table. Over a cup of tea, Mitch explained what he thought would happen over the next week. Beyond that, he had no idea how things would unfold. For someone who had lived by calendars and schedules most of his life, not knowing what was supposed to happen next was unnerving. He hated the uncertainty.
Helen insisted that she and Paul would come by that night to watch Jayne while Mitch took Liana to the airport. “You’re doing the right thing, son. You’re taking care of your family. And we’ll help.”
Mitch looked at his daughter, content in her nan’s arms, sleeping. He wiped aggressively at tears he didn’t want to have and blew through his mouth. He turned away, unwilling to see the emotions he knew would be in his mother’s eyes, whatever they might be.
Helen stood up and placed Jayne in the nearby traveling cot.
His mother’s arms came around him unexpectedly. She hadn’t held him like that in years, his need for the physical comfort of his mother’s embrace long outgrown. Even in the nadir of his professional life, he hadn’t sought it.
But it was there, in her arms, the walls he had built began to crumble. He couldn’t keep them up any longer.
* * *
Liana woke to find Mitch in bed with her, on his side, watching her.
“Hello,” he said softly. He reached over to caress Liana’s cheek with the back of his hand. She stopped his movement by covering her hand over his, holding it in place, deepening their contact.
“Where’s Jayne?” she asked.
“Taking a nap.”
Liana’s eyes widened. “I slept all morning?”
Mitch nodded gently. “Seems like it. She’ll be up soon. Why don’t you take a shower and spend some time with her? I’ll pack your bag.”
A few minutes later, Liana carried her daughter out of the nursery. She savored the feel of Jayne’s cheek against her own, wondering how long it’d be before such tenderness could be experienced without sadness. She smiled as a waving arm pulled fiercely on her hair, awed by how fast Jayne was growing.
Liana carried Jayne to the bed-swing. She sang a nursery rhyme and caught the attention of her daughter. She recognized her father’s glint of mischief in Jayne’s eyes. She sensed Mitch watching them, and when he placed his hand on her shoulder, she scooted over in a silent invitation for him to join them.
Nestled in Mitch’s lap, Jayne in hers, Liana wondered why such moments of contentment were so fleeting. They deserved more of this. Whatever it takes, she vowed silently. I will get better.
They drove to the airport in silence. Liana kept her gaze out the window, toward the sky, watching the first stars of the evening appear. At the airport, Mitch wanted to walk her to the gate, but she asked him to just leave her at the curbside.
“If you do it like it’s just another trip, Mitch, I can pretend this isn’t a big deal,” she said.
Mitch hesitated before nodding. He navigated the car to the drop-off point. They had done this trip many times before, except this time Liana wasn’t sure when she’d be back.
Liana held out her hand. Mitch took it immediately, pulled her into his arms, and held her tight.
“Remember...” he began.
“... You’re there for me even when you’re not,” she said. “I’ll remember.”
Liana arrived in Auckland a couple of hours later, on the last flight out of Christchurch. It was late when the taxi dropped her off at the Meriton. The condo never felt so lonely. She sent Mitch a message to let him know she had arrived safely. He responded immediately and attached a picture of Jayne asleep in Paul Molloy’s arms. She smiled, then frowned. Her daughter was far away. Jayne would be safe without her mum. The tears fell. Tears she was tired of shedding but couldn’t stop.
Without knowing why she made her way to Jay’s old room. It was as he had left it: clean and empty. For whatever reason, it comforted her being there.
Liana sat on his bed, wondering about Jay’s demons. How did he manage to accomplish all he did while inside, it was dark and unsettled? Both Kelly and Mitch had described him as a warrior. She thought she was tough, but all she really wanted to do now was sleep and hide. This wasn’t her. Or was it?
She found herself waking up early in the morning still in Jay’s room. She was still wearing the clothes she had flown in. She looked at her phone. There was a message, sent at midnight:
Mitch: I believe in you.
The agony started from deep within. She could feel it physically surging up her throat. It forced her head back, finally bursting through her lips. Her sorrow manifested itself as a long, deep wail which was saturated with pain. Pain, she didn’t expect and couldn’t understand. Her crying echoed through the empty condo.
She had everything she could ever want, including her husband’s faith. But did she deserve any of it? She pulled herself up the bed, unaware of how she had fallen on her knees. The sobs that continued to rack her body hampered her movement. She curled up on the unmade bed and closed her eyes, desperate for sleep to reclaim her.
When she woke, her watch said it was noon, but she was far from rested. Her fingers grazed against the unfamiliar texture of a soft cotton blanket. She didn’t remember pulling one from the wardrobe to keep her warm, but forgetting her own actions seemed more the norm than the exception these days. Then she smelled bacon.
Someone was in the condo.
She sat up suddenly, trying to clear her mind. Did she lock the front door last night? She looked around the room and reached for her phone. She cursed her carelessness. It was out of charge. Her heart pounded as she surveyed the room, looking for something to protect herself with. Then her gaze settled on a desk lamp. It was all she had to work with. She opened the door and walked softly down the hallway, the desk lamp held in one hand, ready to strike.
She sighed in relief, tension immediately leaving her body when she recognized the tall figure in the kitchen. “Kelly, what are you doing here? You scared me.”
Kelly turned around, a smile on her face. Wiping her hands on her apron, she walked towards Liana. “You wouldn’t even scratch me with that little thing. Come here.”
Before Liana could blink, she was in Kelly’s arms. It was a hug that was nothing but warmth and full of love. Liana’s eyes welled up again as she returned the embrace.
“When Mitch said you were coming up, I decided you shouldn’t be alone this week. At the funeral, he told me to keep Jay’s key. Said to use it whenever I wanted. So here I am,” Kelly said.
“Where’s Maile?”
“With my parents. She’s fine.”
“You didn’t have to come down. I’m okay.”
Kelly placed her hands on Liana’s shoulders. “No, I didn’t have to. I wanted to. You told Mitch not to come up with you, didn’t you? Thought so. I knew you wouldn’t be here if Jayne were left with anyone else. I’m here for you this week. Like you were for Jay.”
Liana shook her head. “No, I really wasn’t. I mean... I think you overestimate any influence I had on Jay. You don’t owe me anything.”
Kelly smiled. “You made my man laugh during one of the most stressful times of his life. He was off his meds because he wanted to stay alert and tough. But he was completely vulnerable. If it weren’t for you, Mitch, and Connor, he wouldn’t have made it through the Championship in one piece. And he wanted to be there with his rugby brothers. It was a dream those boys shared for years.” Kelly laughed. “Oh yes, I remember the night they made a vow to win the championship together. They were young, drunk, and arrogant. But they were committed. It took them longer than they wanted, but they got it, eh?”
“I hadn’t realized you’d known all three of them for that long.”
“The stories I could tell you, Liana. You’re going to see Mitch in a whole new light. You’re lucky you met him in his thirties, because in his twenties, he was quite a drongo. Psst... captain of the National Team or not,
he couldn’t talk to a real woman until he had a few pints in him.”
* * *
Kelly saw a small smile temporarily light up Liana’s face. When Mitch had called a couple of weeks ago, asking for advice, Kelly knew she had to help. She hadn’t planned on coming down, but something inside told her she needed to be there for Liana. Finding Liana sleeping in Jay’s room made her glad she’d trusted her instincts; she knew she had made the right decision. No one could miss the fatigue etched on Liana’s face.
Kelly had no plans other than to provide companionship this week. She knew from years of living with Jay that even the simplest of daily tasks could be monumental for someone with depression. She’d do the cooking, the shopping, the washing, and if Liana was up to it, the listening.
Kelly had spoken to Mitch this morning but urged Liana to call him, too. “Why don’t you also take a bath, eh? Freshen up a little. I’m making us a bit of a lunch.”
Liana didn’t argue and after giving Kelly a weak smile, moved to the master bedroom slowly.
As she cut some fruit, Kelly heard Liana’s voice, and there was even some laughter. A good sign. Kelly frowned. No, she wouldn’t fall into that trap. Jay was always good at being pleasant on the surface, even when, mentally, he was at his lowest point. Part of the illness was pretending everything was all right. Liana would probably be really good at that. She was the poster child of success: creating a career after a tragedy, inspiring others through her books, breaking glass ceilings, marrying a superstar. Why would someone who had everything and had done everything be depressed? Jay couldn’t answer those questions either, and he spent most of his life trying.
He was a rugby champion, one of the best to have ever played his position. He was big, powerful, and fierce on the field. His reputation for wanting his privacy only served to enhanced that image. The public didn’t know that Jay could spend days curled up in his bed, silent and distant. He would often disappear, once for a whole week, without letting anyone know where he was. In hindsight, Kelly wondered how she had lived through all that uncertainty.
He had warned her to stay away. But the heart loves who it will. And she had loved him from the first moment they had met, foolish teenager that she was. It took her another two years to convince him to take her out. On their first date, he told her of his demons. He told her that he was unlovable, that there might not be a long future with him. He tried to scare her away, and he almost did, except she saw how he always made time for the young children of their town, children who were desperate for a hero. She noticed the gentleness with which he held his grandmother’s hand and how quickly he forgave his mother whenever she returned home after months of no contact.
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