by Amanda Grace
He shrugs. “She seemed into it. I taught her how to do a manual and an ollie.”
I narrow my eyes. “She mastered two tricks in, like, an hour?”
Liam grins. “Okay, so she didn’t really complete the tricks, but there’s always next time.” He grabs a mini-bag of Doritos out of a nearby cupboard, walks to the living room, and sits down, his feet up on our glass coffee table.
I follow him, soda in hand. “And you expect me to believe she thought it was fun?”
Okay, it’s not actually that far-fetched. I could see Zoey enjoying a few extreme sports. More than I ever would,
anyway.
“Yeah. This chick’s pretty awesome. She just kind of rolls with it, you know?”
“Wow, what a romantic speech. Let me call Hallmark.”
Liam picks up one of the little decorative pillows and tosses it at me. “Shut up. I’m just saying … I really like her.”
I blink. “Really like her?”
“Yeah. I mean … she’s just different, you know?”
“I know,” I say. God, do I ever. “But you’re not, like, settling down or committing or whatever, are you?”
He can’t. They can’t get serious. Not if Zoey and I start seeing each other. That’s …
That’s weird. I can’t date my brother’s girlfriend.
“I’m not seeing anyone else, if that’s what you’re asking,” Liam says.
“It’s just … I figured you’d get bored of her soon.”
“I thought you liked her,” he says.
And for one terrifying moment, as his eyes search mine, I think he knows.
And then I realize the question is completely innocent.
“I do. We have a class together and we’re working on that assignment. It’s due in a few days, and she’s doing a pretty awesome job at it. If we don’t get an A, I’ll be shocked.”
“So then why do you care? I mean, with Shannon, I get it. She was dumb as rocks. And Dani … was kind of high maintenance. And Lilli turned out to just be a bitch. You were right about them. But Zoey … I think I could fall for her, you know?”
I know.
“Oh,” I say, panic building. “Um, I see.”
This is bad. Really bad. He can’t fall for her.
“Anyway, I gotta shower. We were at the skate park for a long time.”
He gets off the couch and leaves me there, all curled up under the soaring ceilings, feeling too small in the expansive space.
Liam actually wants to be with Zoey, as her boyfriend. Maybe for a long time, even.
He can’t know what Zoey and I are to one another. Not until we figure out if it’s something real, something that could last.
He doesn’t need to know.
No one needs to know.
Zoey
On Wednesday, much to my surprise, Olivia shows up exactly at seven. We haven’t talked since the incident, and I figured she’d choose to forget about the dinner plans we’d made during our late-night text session.
I climb into the passenger seat, just to give her a chance to apologize, but she pulls away from the curb without a word.
By the time we hit the freeway, the silence feels heavy. The sun is dipping lower in the sky behind us, but the warmth of the fall night is enough that we can roll down our windows. The breeze kicks in, and my loose hair swirls around my shoulders.
“I talked to her yesterday,” Olivia says, finally breaking the silence. “About you.”
“Who?”
“Ava.”
“And?”
She twists her hands around the steering wheel. “And I think I might need to find a new lunch table for a while.”
I cringe. “It went that well, huh?”
She nods. “Yeah. She didn’t really like what I had to say.” Then she flicks a glance over at me. “But I should have said it right then, in the hall at school. I should have taken your side. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
I lean back against the leather seat. I want to agree—I want to push her—but I know this should be enough. She’s choosing me over her best friend. She’s standing up for me.
And that’s plenty.
“So, I shouldn’t hold my breath for an apology?” I ask.
“Um, no,” Olivia says, squeezing my knee. “Definitely not.”
“Are you okay?” I add. As much as I thought it was stupid, her being friends with Ava, I can’t ignore that they were best friends. And she’s just given her up.
For me.
Olivia nods. “I’ll survive.”
“You sure? She’s kinda your best friend. As much as I hate her, I don’t want to ruin that. For your sake, not hers.”
“I’ll be fine. And maybe she’ll come around eventually.”
“Okay,” I say. “Thanks. But, uh, where are we going exactly?”
“I thought we could go to the Lodge,” Olivia says, pulling into the fast lane. “It’s in Seattle, right by the stadiums.”
“Seattle, huh? That’s kinda far.”
“Forty-five minutes tops.”
I stare at her, waiting for her to say more, waiting for her to explain.
“Okay, yeah, it’s far. But I thought it made sense to go out of town where we wouldn’t run into anyone.”
“That’s what I figured,” I say. There’s tension in the car, and it’s making me feel all itchy and squirmy. I’m too far out of my comfort zone.
“It’s mostly my brother,” Olivia offers. “Who I don’t want to run into, that is. I told him we were going to work on our paper at the library.”
“Oh.”
“So, did you have fun with him?” she asks, glancing over at me. “At the skate park last night?”
“Yeah. It was cool, learning to skateboard. I’ve never tried it before. Turns out I suck at it.”
Olivia laughs. “I’ve never even tried it. I think I’d break my nose or something.”
She doesn’t say anything else, and I stare at the dashboard clock until it ticks over another minute. “Is that what you’re really asking? If I had fun skateboarding?”
The only sign she’s heard my question is the way her fingers tighten around the steering wheel.
“No.”
“It’s more about him, isn’t it,” I say. “About whether I like being with him.”
“Yes.”
“I did. I always do. Liam is a good guy.”
“I know. He is my brother.”
“That’s not really what you’re after, though, is it?”
She shakes her head but doesn’t speak.
“Well, I want you to know that it’s not the same with him,” I say. “It’s not like it is with us.”
Olivia glances over at me, her surprise evident. “Yeah?”
I nod. “I think I should break up with him. I want to be with you, not him.”
Her fingers tighten even more. She’s hanging on to the wheel as if at any moment the car is going to try to drive off without her.
“You can’t,” she says.
I narrow my eyes. “I can’t pick you?”
“You can’t pick.”
I sink farther into the bucket seat, propping my knees up against the glove box. “You want me to date both of you?”
“It’s still so new. I mean, I didn’t even know I wanted to kiss you until forty-eight hours ago. We should figure it out before you make any decisions. I don’t want you to dump him or anything, because—”
“It’s funny,” I interrupt.
“What’s funny?”
“I always saw you as this self-absorbed, selfish person, and here you are trying to gift me to your brother.”
Olivia rubs her lips back and forth as if she just applied lipstick and is trying to even it out. “That’s not what I meant. I just wan
t to figure this out … what we have. What we are to each other. The thing is, you really mean something to me, and I’ve never felt that way about anyone before. And it’s kind of scary and new and strange, and … let’s just figure it out before you do anything about Liam.”
“It’s not going to change the fact that I don’t feel anything real for him.”
“I know. But if you dump him it just … it makes what we have too … ”
“Overwhelming? Serious?”
“Yeah,” she says. “It just puts pressure on us.”
“Okay,” I say. Pressure. Something Olivia seems to have too much of as it is.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. But not just for him,” I add. “For you. Because I don’t want you to freak out about it.”
“Good.” Olivia flicks a glance over at me, her hands relaxing. “You look nice, by the way. I really like that shirt.”
I glance down at my lavender button-up. It’s a much lighter color than I normally wear, and it’s a soft satin. I found it in the back of my mom’s closet. It’s big on me, almost a shirt-dress, and I’ve paired it with black skinny jeans and my battered old converse.
Olivia’s wearing a dress with a short hemline, and with how she’s sitting, her thighs are exposed. I have a strong urge to reach over and rest my hand on her knee, but it feels too forward.
Too real, and I don’t think she’s ready for that.
Soon we’re at the restaurant, and Olivia finds a side street with metered parking. After we put a little sticker on the window, we walk around the block, so close that we’re bumping shoulders. Once, our hands brush.
I want to grab her hand and intertwine her fingers with mine, but I don’t want her to pull away, and I’m not even sure I’m ready to do that in front of people, even if they are strangers. So I shove my hands into my jeans pockets instead.
The Lodge has huge wooden doors, which Olivia pulls open. She ushers me inside. It’s a few steps down into the place, and as my eyes adjust to the dim lighting, I realize it’s got a sort of sports-slash-hunting-lodge theme, with lots of natural wood and antlers, but not in a weird old way. More like an upscale ski lodge feel.
A hostess brings us to the back of the restaurant, to a U-shaped booth. We slide in at opposite sides but end up meeting in the middle.
“Your server will be right with you,” the hostess says.
I flip open the menu, suddenly nervous again. I didn’t really think about dinner that much when Olivia first asked, but abruptly I get the feeling that it’s too much. Too formal. Too official. It doesn’t even matter that we drove almost an hour, because it’s still us, together, on a date. Or what feels like one.
I’ve never been on a date. At least, not before I met Olivia.
And Liam. But with Liam it’s always just “hanging out.”
“I’ve been nervous all day,” Olivia says, as if she can read my thoughts. Maybe she’s just noticed the way I’m crossing my arms and raking in deep breaths.
“You don’t get nervous,” I say, but my own voice is a little squeaky and I giggle.
“I don’t normally. But you … this … I was nervous.”
“And now you’re not?”
“Now I’m not.” She squeezes my knee. I reach a hand under the table and rest it on top of hers.
“You know what’s funny?” I ask, glancing at the menu.
“What?”
“Sometimes when I’m hanging out with you, I remember how badly I wanted to be part of what you and Ava were. I thought you guys were so amazing. You wore the best clothes. Everyone wanted to be you. Including me.” I laugh a sad little laugh under my breath. “I guess I did get noticed by Ava, just not the way I’d planned.”
Someone sets down a bread basket and I grab a piece, just to have something to do with my hands.
“So, thank you. For choosing me,” I say after a few heartbeats of silence. “For giving up your friendship with her for me.”
“Of course,” she says. “I’ll always choose you.”
Olivia
It was perfect.
The whole night was perfect.
Zoey
We’re standing on the bow of the SS Salish, the wind whipping so hard it steals my breath away. My hair keeps tangling around my mouth.
Actually, I don’t even know if there’s an SS attached to the Salish. It’s a ferry boat, not, like, something from Gilligan’s Island.
Across the bay, the moon sinks into the water as if it’s a tennis ball bobbing on the surface of Puget Sound. I lean against the green-painted metal railing and close my eyes, feeling the wind pummeling my skin. We’re on the second-floor deck, too high up to feel the sea mist, but I can imagine it, the feel of the water on my cheeks.
It’s not even that breezy on shore, but out here, halfway between Tacoma and Vashon Island, that’s hard to believe. The water is so dark it’s an inky black, as if I could leap from the boat and into the water and be swallowed whole. The boat would steam away and no one would know that I’m missing.
“It’s fucking cold out here,” Liam says as he emerges from the doors behind me, but there’s laughter in his voice.
I turn away from the water, zipping my jacket the rest of the way to my chin and wishing I’d known to dress more appropriately. “I know. No wonder Carolyn wanted to stay inside.”
“She’s pretty happy with the pretzel,” he says, jutting a thumb over his shoulder.
I can see her, now that I have my back to the bow. She’s just inside the double doors, parked at one of the long leather benches, a table in front of her. But instead of reading the books Liam brought, she’s got her face practically pressed to the window.
I look over at Liam, meeting his gaze head-on. “Thanks for letting her come. And for buying her the snack.”
“Of course. She’s important to you, which makes her important to me.”
It’s weird, hearing those words, and a million things run through my mind.
But the biggest of them all—in this moment where I feel simultaneously alone and protected, taken care of by Liam—is that I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if I’d let more people in, all along. If I hadn’t given Ava the power to dissuade me; if I’d found a way to make friends.
Would there be other people in my life who care about me … who cared about Carolyn? Is this what I’ve been missing out on this whole time?
“Was that the wrong thing to say?” Liam asks, studying my expression.
“What? Oh, uh, no. Just got me thinking.”
“About?”
“About what it would be like to not feel so … ”
“Alone?”
I whip around and stare at him.
“What? I get it too, you know,” he says. “Our condo doesn’t even feel like home. It just makes me restless.” He leans against the railing, just a little bit at first, then farther and farther and farther … until he’s half bent over backward, staring up at the stars, the inky black water rushing by below him. I want to reach out and grab him, pull him back, but I know he’s not actually going to fall overboard.
“They always took all these trips, you know? It’s not a new thing. But we had our au pair hanging around, taking care of us when we were younger. The first was from Germany, then two in a row from France.” He stands upright again, though I’d bet it has more to do with needing to straighten his spine than wanting to look at me, because he doesn’t quite meet my eyes. “There’s always something … hollow inside when you realize your parents would rather work than spend time with you. I mean, they created us. You’d think they’d want to be in the same room once in a while.”
It’s weird. The wind is whistling across my ears, but I can hear a distinct melancholy, a wistfulness to his tone.
“I haven’t seen my dad in years and years,” I offer. “H
e doesn’t even pay child support.”
Liam nods slowly, resolutely, and then moves closer to me. He grabs the railing on either side of my hips so that I’m pinned between him and the iron. But not in a trapped kind of way; in a comforting, close sort of way.
Briefly, I wonder what it would be like if this felt romantic.
If it was Olivia who was leaning in close.
I tip my head back so I can meet his hooded eyes.
“Olivia doesn’t know this … ” Liam trails off, then seems to get lost, staring into me.
“Doesn’t know what?” I ask.
My words seem to wake him up, make him realize he’s got me sort of caged between him and the railing. He steps away and we turn, so that we’re both facing forward again.
The dock looms somewhere ahead, and the speakers blare to life, telling the passengers to return to their vehicles. We don’t have a vehicle; we walked onto the boat for the six-thirty sailing, and the whole round trip is barely an hour. It was a short, completely for-scenic-purposes ride.
“I board this boat almost every night.”
I narrow my eyes but I don’t turn to him. The tone of Liam’s voice says he’s not quite comfortable with what he just revealed, that he doesn’t want to meet my eyes.
“You what?”
“The last ferry leaves Point Defiance at 10:30. I’m usually on it.”
“You ride the ferry every night? Alone?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
He doesn’t speak for a long time, and I think the boat’s going to dock and everyone’s going to get off and the ferry workers are going to find us up here and kick us off, and still he won’t have spoken.
But instead, with the docks looming, he breaks the silence. “Because I can’t sleep. And sometimes I’m … ” he sighs. “Lonely. And somehow being on the water is soothing. The dock is less than ten minutes from my house. It’s hardly an inconvenience. If I’m not going to sleep anyway, I’d rather be on this boat. Listening to the water and the fog horns, watching people go back and forth from the island.”
“You have Olivia.”
“I know.”