by Anne Rice
Chapter 7
7
IN MOMENTS, I stood in my own courtyard in the French Quarter behind the town house in the Rue Royale, looking up at my own lighted windows, windows that had been mine for so long, hoping and praying that David was there, and afraid he wasn't.
I hated running from this Thing! I had to stand there a moment and let my usual rage cool. Why had I run? Not to be humiliated in front of Dora, who might have seen nothing more than me terrified by the Thing and thrown backwards onto the floor?
Maybe Dora could have seen it!
Every instinct in me told me I'd done the proper thing, gotten away, and kept that thing away from Dora. That thing was after me. I had to protect Dora. I now had a very good reason to fight that thing, for another's sake, not my own.
Only now did the full goodness of Dora take a contained shape in my mind, that is, only now did I get a full impression of her, untangled from the blood smell between her legs and her owl-like face peering at me. Mortals tumble through life, from cradle to grave. Once in a century or two perhaps, one crosses the path of a being like Dora. An elegant intelligence and concept of goodness, precisely, and the other thing Roger had struggled to describe, the magnetism which had not burst free as yet from the tangle of faith and scripture.
The night was warm and receptive.
My courtyard banana trees had not been touched by a freeze this winter, and grew thick and drowsing as ever against the brick walls.
The wild impatiens and lantana were glowing in the overgrown beds, and the fountain, the fountain with its cherub, was making its crystalline music as the water splashed from the cherub's horn into the basin.
New Orleans, scents of the Quarter.
I ran up the back steps from the courtyard to the rear door of my flat.
I went inside, pounding down the hall, a man in a state of visible and ostentatious confusion. I saw a shadow cross the living room.
"David!"
"He's not here. "
I came to a halt in the doorframe.
It was the Ordinary Man.
He stood with his back to Louis's desk between the two front windows, arms folded loosely, face evincing a patient intellect and a sort of unbreakable poise.
"Don't run again," he said without rancour. "I'll go after you. I asked you to please leave that girl out of it. Didn't I? I was only trying to get you to cut it short. "
"I've never run from you!" I said, quite unsure of myself and determined to make that the truth from this moment on. "Well, not really! I didn't want you near Dora. What do you want?"
"What do you think?"
"I told you," I said, gathering all my strength, "if you are here to take me, I am ready to go to Hell. "
"You're drenched in blood sweat," he said, "look at you, you're so afraid. You know, this is what it takes for me to get through to someone like you. " His voice was reasonable, easy to hear. "Now a mortal?" he asked. "I could have simply appeared once and said what I had to say. But you, no, that's a different matter, you've already transcended too many stages, you've got too much to bargain with, that's why you're worth everything to me just now. "
"Bargain? You mean I can get out of this? We are not going to Hell? We can have a trial of some sort? I can find a modern Daniel Webster to plead for me?" There was mockery and impatience in all of this, and yet it was the logical question to which I wanted the logical answer at once.
"Lestat," he said with characteristic forbearance, loosening his folded arms and taking a leisurely step towards me. "It goes back to David and his vision in the cafe. The little story he told you. I am the Devil. And I need you. I am not here to take you by force to Hell, and you don't know the slightest thing about Hell anyway. Hell isn't what you imagine. I am here to ask your help! I'm tired and I need you. And I'm winning the battle, and it's crucial that I don't lose. "
I was dumbstruck.
For a long moment he regarded me and then deliberately began to change; his form appeared to swell in size, to darken, the wings to rise once more like smoke curling towards the ceiling, and the din of voices to begin and fast grow deafening, and the light suddenly rose behind him. I saw the hairy goat legs move towards me. My feet had no place to stand, my hands nothing to touch but him as I screamed.
I could see the gleam of the black feathers, the arch of the wings rising higher and higher! And the din seemed a mixture of almost exquisite music with the voices!
"No, not this time, no!" I hurled myself right at him. I grabbed for him and saw my fingers wrap around his jet-black wrist. I stared right into his immense face, the face of the granite statue, only fully animate and magnificently expressive, the horrific noise of chant and song and howl swelling and drowning out my words. I saw his mouth open, the great eyebrows scowl, the huge innocent almond-shaped eyes grow immense and fill with light.
I held fast with my left hand clutching at his powerful arm, certain he was trying to get away from me and he couldn't! Aha! He couldn't! And then I slammed my right fist into his face. I felt the hardness, preternatural hardness, as if striking another of my own kind. But this was no solid vampiric form.
The entire figure blinked even in its density and defensiveness; the image recoiled and redressed itself and began to grow again; I gave him one last full shove in the chest with every bit of strength I had in me, my fingers splayed out against his black armour, the shimmering ornamented breastplate, my eyes so close in the first instant that I saw the carvings on it, the writing in the metal, and then the wings flapped above me as if to terrify me. He was far from me, suddenly, gigantic, yes, still, but I'd thrown him back, damn him. One fine blow that had been. I gave a war cry before I could stop myself and flew at him, though propelling myself from what base and by what force I couldn't have said.
There came a swirl of black feathers, sleek and shining, and then I was falling; I wouldn't scream, I didn't give a damn, I wouldn't. Falling.
Plummeting. As if through a depth that only nightmare can fathom. An emptiness so perfect we can't conceive of it. And falling fast.
Only the Light remained. The Light obliterated everything visible and was so beautiful suddenly that I lost all sense of my own limbs or parts or organs or whatever I am created of. I had no shape or weight. Only the momentum of my fall continued to terrify, as though gravity remained to ensure utter ruin. There was one great surge of the voices.
"They are singing!" I cried out.
Then I lay still.
Slowly I felt the floor beneath me. The slightly rough surface of the carpet. Scent of dust, wax, my home. I knew we were in the same room.
He had taken Louis's chair at the desk, and I lay there on my back, staring at the ceiling, my chest bursting with pain.
I sat up, crossed my legs, and looked at him defiantly.
He was puzzled. "It makes perfect sense," he said.
"And what's that?"
"You're as strong as one of us. "
"No, I don't think so," I said furiously. "I can't grow wings; I can't make music. "
"Yes, you can, you've made images before for mortals. You know you can. You've wrapped them in spells. You are as strong as we are. You have achieved a very interesting stage in your development. I knew I was right about you all along. I'm in awe of you. "
"In awe of what? My independence? Look, let me tell you something, Satan, or whoever you are. "
"Don't use that name, I hate it. "
"That's likely to make me pepper my speeches with it. "
"My name is Memnoch," he said calmly, with a small pleading gesture. "Memnoch the Devil. I want you to remember it that way. "
"Memnoch the Devil. "
"Aye. " He nodded. "That is how I sign my name when I sign it. "
"Well, let me tell you, Your Royal Highness of Darkness. I'm not helping you with anything! I don't serve you!"
"I think I can change your mind," he said calmly. "I think you will come to understand things v
ery well from my point of view. " I felt a sudden sagging, a complete exhaustion, and a despair.
Typical.
I rolled over on my face and tucked my arm under my head and started crying like a child. I was perishing from exhaustion. I was worn and miserable and I loved crying. I couldn't do anything else. I gave in to it fully. I felt that profound release of the utterly grief-stricken. I didn't give a damn who saw or heard. I cried and cried.
Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing.
Whatever the case, I was too miserable to take much consolation just from feeling good for a moment in a welter of shudders and salted, bloodstained tears.
I thought of years and years ago, when I had walked into Notre Dame and those fiendish little vampires had lain in wait for me, Servants of Satan, I thought of my mortal self, I thought of Dora, I thought of Armand in those days, the immortal boy leader of Satan's Elect beneath the cemetery, who had made himself a dark saint, sending forth his ragged blood drinkers to torment mortals, to bring death, to spread fear and death like pestilence. I was choking with sobs.
"It is not true!" I think I said. "There is no God or Devil. It is not true. "
He didn't answer. I rolled over and sat up. I wiped my face on my sleeve. No handkerchief. Of course, I'd given it to Dora. A faint
perfume of Dora rose from my clothes, my chest against which she'd lain, blood sweetness. Dora. I should never have left Dora in such distress. Dear God, I was bound to look out for the sanity of Dora! Damn.
I looked at him.
He was still sitting there, his arm resting on the back of Louis's chair, and he was simply watching me.
I sighed. "You're not going to leave me alone, are you?"
He was taken aback. He laughed. His face was marvelously friendly, rather than neutral.
"No, of course not," he said in a low voice, as if careful not to unbalance me any further. "Lestat, I've been waiting for someone like you for centuries. I've been watching you yourself for centuries. No, I'm afraid I'm not going to leave you alone. But I don't want you to be miserable. What can I do to calm you? Some small miracle, gift, anything, so that we can proceed?"
"And how in hell will we proceed?"
"I'll tell you everything," he said with a slight shrug, his hands open, "and then you'll understand why I have to win. "
"The implication . . . it's that I can refuse to cooperate with you, isn't it?"
"Absolutely. Nobody can really help me who doesn't choose to do it. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the job. I need help. That part your friend David heard correctly when he experienced that accidental epiphany. "
"Was David's epiphany accidental? What happened to that other word? What had it been . . . I don't remember. David wasn't meant to see you or hear you and God talking together?"
"That's almost impossible to explain. "
"Did I upset some plan of yours by taking David, making him one of us?"
"Yes and no. But the point is, David heard that part correctly. My task is hard and I'm tired! Some of the rest of David's ideas about that little vision, well¡ª" He shook his head. "The point is, you are the one I want now and it's terribly important you see everything before you make up your mind. "
"I'm that bad, am I?" I whispered, lips trembling. I was going to bawl again. "In all the world, with all the things humans have done, all the unspeakable horrors men have visited on other men, the unthinkable suffering of women and children worldwide at the hands of mankind, and I'm that bad! You want me! David was too good, I suppose. He didn't become as consummately evil as you thought he would. Is that it?"
"No, of course you're not that bad," he said soothingly. "That's the very point. " He gave a little sigh again.
I was beginning to notice more distinct details of his appearance, not because they were becoming more vivid as had happened with the apparition of Roger, but because I was growing more calm. His hair was a dark ashen blond, and rather soft and curling. And his eyebrows were the same shade, not distinctly black at all, but very carefully drawn to maintain an expression that contained no closed vanity or arrogance. He didn't look stupid either, of course. The clothes were generic. I don't believe they were really clothes. They were material, but the coat was too plain and without buttons, and the white shirt was too simple.
"You know," he said, "you always have had a conscience! That's precisely what I'm after, don't you see? Conscience, reason, purpose, dedication. Good Lord, I couldn't have overlooked you. And I'll tell you something. It was as though you sent for me. "
"Never. "
"Come on, think of all the challenges you've flung out to the Devil. "
"That was poetry, or doggerel, depending on one's point of view. "
"Not so. And then think of all the things you did, waking that ancient one Akasha and almost loosing her on humanity. " He gave a short laugh. "As if we don't have enough monsters created by evolution. And then your adventure with the Body Thief. Coming into the flesh again, having that chance, and rejecting it for what you were before. You know your friend Gretchen is a saint in the jungles, don't you?"
"Yes. I've seen mentions of it in the papers. I know. "
Gretchen, my nun, my love when I'd been so briefly mortal, had never spoken one word since the night she fled from me into her missionary chapel and fell on her knees before the crucifix. She remained in prayer night and day in that jungle village, taking almost no nourishment, and on Fridays people journeyed miles through the jungle, and sometimes even came from Caracas and Buenos Aires just to see her bleed from her hands and her feet. That had been the end of Gretchen.
Although it suddenly struck me for the very first time, in the middle of all this: maybe Gretchen really was with Christ!
"No, I don't believe it," I said coldly. "Gretchen lost her mind; she's fixed in a state of hysteria and it's my fault. So the world has another mystic who bleeds like Christ. There have been a thousand. "
"I didn't place any judgment upon the incident," he said. "If we can go back to what I was saying. I was saying that you did everything but ask me to come! You challenged every form of authority, you sought every experience. You've buried yourself alive twice, and once tried to rise into the very sun to make yourself a cinder. What was left for you¡ªbut to call on me? It is as if you yourself said it: 'Memnoch, what more can I do now?' "
"Did you tell God about this?" I asked coldly, refusing to be drawn in. Refusing to be this curious and this excited.
"Yes, of course," he said.
I was too surprised to say anything.
I could think of nothing clever. Certain little theological brain twisters flitted through my mind, and sticky little questions, like "Why didn't God already know?" and so forth. But we were beyond that point, obviously.
I had to think, to concentrate on what my senses were telling me.
"You and Descartes," he said. "You and Kant. "
"Don't lump me with others," I said. "I am the Vampire Lestat, the one and only. "
"You're telling me," he said.
"How many of us are there now, vampires, I mean, in the whole world? I'm not speaking now of other immortals and monsters and evil spirits and things, whatever you are, for instance, but vampires? There aren't a hundred, and none of them is quite like me. Lestat. "
"I completely agree. I want you. I want you for my helper. "
"Doesn't it gall you that I don't really respect you, believe in you, or fear you, not even after all this? That we're in my flat and I'm making fun of you? I don't think Satan would put up with this sort of thing. I don't usually put up with it; I've compared myself to you, you know. Lucifer, Son of Morning. I have told my detractors and inquisitors that I was the Devil or that if I ever happened upon Satan himself I'd set him to rout. "
"Memnoch
," he corrected me. "Don't use the name Satan. Please. Don't use any of the following: Lucifer, Beelzebub, Azazel, Sammael, Marduk, Mephistopheles, et cetera. My name is Memnoch. You'll soon find out for yourself that the others represent various alphabetical or scriptural compromises. Memnoch is for this time and all time. Appropriate and pleasing. Memnoch the Devil. And don't go look it up in a book because you'll never find it. "
I didn't answer. I was trying to figure this. He could change shapes, but there had to be an invisible essence. Had I come against the strength of the invisible essence when I'd smashed his face? I'd felt no real contour, only strength resisting me. And were I to grab him now, would this man-form be filled with the invisible essence so that it could fight me off with strength equal to that of the dark angel?
"Yes," he said. "Imagine trying to convince a mortal of these things. But that really isn't why I chose you. I chose you not so much because it would be easier for you to comprehend everything but because you're perfect for the job. "
"The job of helping the Devil. "
"Yes, of being my right-hand instrument, so to speak, being in my stead when I'm weary. Being my prince. "
"How could you be so mistaken? You find the self-inflicted
suffering of my conscience amusing? You think I like evil? That I think about evil when I look at something beautiful like Dora's face!"
"No, I don't think you like evil," he said. "Any more than do I. "
"You don't like evil," I repeated, narrowing my eyes.
"Loathe it. And if you don't help me, if you let God keep doing things His way, I tell you evil¡ªwhich is nothing really¡ªjust might destroy the world. "
"It's God's will," I asked slowly, "that the world be destroyed?"
"Who knows?" he asked coldly. "But I don't think God would lift a finger to stop it from happening. I don't will it, that I know. But my ways are the right ways, and the ways of God are bloody and wasteful and exceedingly dangerous. You know they are. You have to help me.
I am winning, I told you. But this century has been damn near unendurable for us all. "
"So you are telling me that you're not evil. . . . "
"Exactly. Remember what your friend David asked of you? He asked you if in my presence you had sensed evil, and you had to answer that you had not. "
"The Devil is a famous liar. "
"My enemies are famous detractors. Neither God nor I tell lies per se. But look, I don't expect for a moment that you should accept me on faith. I didn't come here to convince you of things through conversation. I'll take you to Hell and to Heaven, if you like, you can talk to God for as long as He allows, and you desire. Not God the Father, precisely, not En Sof, but. . . well, all of this will become clear to you. Only there's no point if I cannot count upon your willing intent to see the truth, your willing desire to turn your life from aimlessness and meaninglessness into a crucial battle for the fate of the world. "
I didn't answer. I wasn't sure what I could say. We were leagues from the point at which we had begun this discussion.
"See Heaven?" I whispered, absorbing all of it slowly. "See Hell?"
"Yes, of course," he said with level patience.
"I want a full night to think it over. "
"What!"
"I said I want a night to think it over. "
"You don't believe me. You want a sign. "
"No, I am beginning to believe you," I said. "That's why I have to think. I have to weigh all of this. "
"I'm here to answer any question, to show you anything now. "
"Then leave me alone for two nights. Tonight and tomorrow night. That's a simple enough request, isn't it? Leave me alone. "
He was obviously disappointed, maybe even a little suspicious. But I meant every word of it. I couldn't say anything but what I had said. I knew the truth as I spoke it, so fast were thought and word wedded in my mind.
"Is it possible to deceive you?" I asked.
"Of course," he asked. "I rely upon my gifts such as they are, just as you rely on yours. I have my limits. You have yours. You can be deceived. So can I. "
"What about God?"
"Ach!" he said with disgust. "If you only knew how irrelevant that question is. You cannot imagine how much I need you. I'm tired," he said with a faint rise of emotion. "God is . . . beyond being deceived, that much I can say with charity. I'll give you tonight and tomorrow night. I won't bother you, stalk you, as you put it. But may I ask what you mean to do?"
"Why? Either I have the two nights or I don't!"
"You're known to be unpredictable," he said. He smiled broadly.
It was very pleasant. And something else, quite obvious, struck me about him. Not only were his proportions perfect, there were no visible flaws in him anywhere; he was a paragon of the Ordinary Man.
He showed no response to this estimation, whether he could read it from my mind or not. He merely waited on me, courteously.
"Dora," I said. "I have to go back to Dora. "
"Why?"
"I refuse to explain further. "
Again, he was surprised by my answer.
"Well, aren't you going to try to help her with all this confusion regarding her father? Why not explain something as simple as that? I only meant to ask you how deeply you intended to commit yourself, how much you planned to reveal to this woman. I'm thinking of the fabric of things, to use David's phrase. That is, how will it be with this woman, after you've come with me?"
I said nothing.
He sighed. "All right, I've waited for your like for centuries. What is another two nights, such as the case may be. We are speaking of only tomorrow night, really, aren't we? At the sunset of the following evening, after that I shall come for you. "
"Right. "
"I'll give you a little gift that will help you believe in me. It's not so simple to me to fix your level of understanding. You're full of paradox and conflict. Let me give you something unusual. "
"Agreed. "
"So this is the gift. Call it a sign. Ask Dora about Uncle Mickey's eye. Ask her to tell you the truth that Roger never knew. " "This sounds like a Spiritualist parlour game. "
"Think so? Ask her. "
"All right. The truth about Uncle Mickey's eye. Now let me ask you one last question. You are the Devil. Yes. But you're not evil? Why?"
"Absolutely irrelevant question. Or let me put it a little more mysteriously. It's completely unnecessary for me to be evil. You'll see. Oh, this is so frustrating for me because you have so much to see. "
"But you're opposed to God!"
"Oh, absolutely, a total adversary! Lestat, when you see
everything that I have to show you, and hear all that I have to say, when you've spoken with God and better see it from His perspective, and from my point of view, you will join me as His adversary. I'm sure you will. "
He stood up from the chair. "I'm going now. Should I help you up off the floor?"
"Irrelevant and unnecessary," I said crossly. "I'm going to miss you. " The words surprised me as they came out.
"I know," he answered.
"I have all of tomorrow night," I said. "Remember. "
"Don't you realize," he answered, "that if you come with me now there is no night and day?"
"Oh, that's very tempting," I said. "But that's what Devils do so well. Tempt. I need to think about this, and consult others for advice. "
"Consult others?" He seemed genuinely surprised.
"I'm not going off with the Devil without telling anyone," I said. "You're the Devil! Goddamn it, why should I trust the Devil? That's absurd! You're playing by rules, somebody's rules. Everybody always is. And I don't know the rules. Well. You gave me the choice, and this is my choice. Two full nights, and not before then. Leave me alone all that time! Give me your oath. "
"Why?" he asked politely, as if dealing with an ornery child. "So you won't have to fear the sound of my footsteps?"
"Possibly. "
"What
good is an oath on this if you don't accept the truth of all the rest that I've said?" He shook his head as if I were being foolishly human.
"Can you swear an oath or not?"
"You have my oath," he said, laying his hand on his heart, or where his heart should have been. "With complete sincerity, of course. "
"Thank you, I feel much better," I said.
"David won't believe you," he said gently.
"I know," I said.
"On the third night," he said with an emphatic nod, "I shall come back for you here. Or wherever you happen to be at the time. "
And with a final smile, as bright as the earlier one, he disappeared.
It was not the way I tended to do it, by making off with such swiftness no human could track it.
He actually vanished on the spot.