“Of course,” replied Max smoothly. “Peet’s Major Dickason is my favorite blend, too.”
Jill smiled in acknowledgment as she took out the vanilla flavored creamer she used, and then added a single teaspoon of sugar. She took a tentative sip of her coffee, sighing in pleasure as it immediately began to warm up her still chilled bones.
“Ahhh,” she crooned as she took a second, longer sip. “This is a little stronger than I usually make it, but exactly what I needed this morning. You’d think a five mile run first thing in the morning would be enough to wake a person up, but it wasn’t quite enough. A couple of cups of this might do the trick, though.”
“Rough night?” inquired Max sympathetically.
She hesitated before shrugging her shoulders. “Just restless, I guess. Usually I sleep really well, but last night - well, you don’t want to hear all about that. Especially since you must have had a very specific reason for showing up here this morning. By the way, how did you know where I lived?”
He looked a bit shamefaced as he admitted, “Er, one of the reports Jacob provided me with was a list of the management staff and their contact information. Including home addresses and telephone numbers. Of course, I really only needed their email addresses, but I suppose it was easier for him to just hand over the full report. I never intended to use any of the information, at least until - well, until I needed to see you in person. Rather urgently. So I do apologize for invading your privacy this way, Jill, but I hope you’ll agree that it was necessary. Once - once you hear exactly why I felt the need to see you this morning, that is.”
Jill frowned, completely baffled by Max’s uncharacteristic nervousness. In fact, she recalled now, he’d seemed unsettled and uncertain from the moment he’d gotten out of his car.
“Okay,” she replied warily. “And maybe that’s a good place to begin. Why did you feel the need to see me so early on a Saturday morning, Max? And at my home, to boot. If it was business related, you could have just emailed me.”
“It’s not business related,” he stated firmly. “Not even remotely. It has to do with - well, you and me, Jill. I got the impression that you were about to ask me something yesterday before Tyler walked into your office. Something, perhaps, about what I said to you on Monday night. Specifically, what I said about how leaving you in Seattle was the one real regret of my life. Am I right?”
She felt her pulse rate kick up a few notches, and her cheeks suddenly felt warm as she avoided eye contact with him. “Maybe,” she mumbled. “I guess I was just curious about what all of that really meant.”
He stood then, walking into the kitchen where she had remained standing on the other side of the breakfast bar. Wordlessly, Max took the mug from her, set it down on the counter, and then clasped her hand tightly, drawing her in close.
“What did you think it really meant, Jill?” he whispered. “Why do you imagine I would have said something like that to you?”
Her eyes widened as he gazed down at her intently, her heart racing triple time by now. “I - I don’t know,” she replied haltingly. “M-maybe that you were just trying to tell me you were sorry for having acted like - like an ass?”
Max laughed hoarsely, almost reluctantly. “Well, that too, of course. But in actuality, what I was trying to tell you, in my own inept manner, was that I was arrogant enough to hope that you might possibly consider giving me a second chance. To prove that I was worthy of a woman like you. To prove to myself that I could change, could stop being so stubborn and set in my ways and so intent on keeping secrets. And I know I have no right to ask something like that of you, Jill, after I hurt you so badly. And especially under the circumstances.”
She was staring up at him in dazed disbelief, scarcely able to believe this was really happening and not just another of the many and varied dreams she’d had about Max over the years. “What circumstances?” she whispered unevenly.
“Tyler, of course, and your relationship with him,” he replied gently. He tucked a damp strand of hair behind her ear, as though he couldn’t resist touching her for one second longer. “I know you love him, Jill, and it’s very obvious how much he cares for you. And while I have no intention of interfering if things are that serious between you, I - well, I suppose I just wanted to make sure. To ask if I had any chance whatsoever of winning you away from him. If you perhaps still have feelings for me.”
“Max,” she murmured, resting her palm against his chest and shaking her head in confusion. “Oh, God, this is all so - so unexpected, so confusing. I don’t - ”
Max cupped her cheek tenderly. “Am I too late then, Jill?” he asked in a sad voice, so sad that it nearly made her heart break. “Has Tyler already asked you to marry him? It’s all right if he has, if you’re convinced he’s the man you want, the one who can make you truly happy. I’ll leave you alone, I promise, and won’t ever bother you again. I - ”
Jill placed two fingers over his mouth. “Shh. One thing at a time, okay?” At his nod, she continued. “The answer to your question is yes. Tyler has asked me to marry him. Just yesterday in fact, when we went out to lunch.” She gave him a lopsided little smile. “I think maybe after meeting you in my office he might have felt a little threatened or something. I had never told him about you, at least not your name, just that I’d been involved with someone when I was still in college. When you mentioned the fact that we’d met up in Seattle, he put two and two together, then came right out and asked me if you were the one.”
He frowned, his brow creasing in bewilderment. “Why in the world would he have automatically assumed I was the man? I don’t recall saying anything out of the ordinary to him, nothing that might have implied you and I had been involved.”
Her smile deepened as she brushed her thumb across his lips. “I’m guessing it had something to do with the way we were looking at each other that gave it away. I don’t think Tyler could have missed something like that.”
Max grasped her wrist, then interlaced his fingers with hers. His dark eyes were solemn, his expression grim as he asked her, “So I assume you said yes, then?” At her quizzical expression, he continued. “To Tyler’s proposal, that is. Should I be offering you my congratulations on becoming engaged?”
Jill rose up slightly on tiptoe to press a kiss to his cheek. “No, you definitely should not,” she whispered. “Because I turned him down. Without the slightest hesitation. I think I always knew he wasn’t the one for me, that even though I cared for him it wasn’t at all like what I felt for you, Max. And from the moment I saw you again on Monday, I knew that I’d never stopped caring for you. Tyler must have known it, too, because when I told him I couldn’t marry him, he - he broke things off right then and there. It’s over with him, Max, so I - umm!”
Whatever she had been about to say next was abruptly cut off by the pressure of his lips against hers, his arms wrapping tightly about her waist as he lifted her slightly off the floor. Jill’s hands drifted to his biceps, holding on for dear life as he continued to kiss her fiercely, possessively, as though he had zero intention of ever letting her go.
He lifted her into his arms even as he continued to kiss her hungrily. He carried her out of the kitchen but when he headed towards the living area, she broke the kiss to whisper urgently, “Um, the bedroom is in the opposite direction.”
“I know,” he replied as he set her down on the sofa. “But as tempting as the thought of taking you to bed sounds, we need to talk first, Jill. There are things I have to tell you - all of the things I was so adamant about keeping to myself in Seattle. And once you hear what I have to say - well, I’ll understand if you change your mind about me. About being with me, that is.”
Jill squeezed his hand as he sat down next to her, close enough for their thighs to brush up against the other. “I won’t change my mind,” she told him firmly. “If being apart from you for four whole years hasn’t changed my feelings for you, then I can’t imagine what would. So tell me everythi
ng, Max. Every terrible, awful thing that you were too afraid to tell me in Seattle. Because I’ll promise you now that it won’t stop me from loving you.”
He groaned, pulling her into his arms again as though he couldn’t resist the urge to touch her, burying his face against the side of her neck. “My sweet Jill. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, longed for you, regretted the unforgiveable way I treated you. Nothing has ever been the same for me since I stupidly walked out of that hotel suite in Seattle. My life has been a living hell for the last four years, a hell of my own making, of course. And I’ve made my best friends’ lives miserable, too, by being so difficult to be around. But not anymore. Everything changes after today. At least it will if you still want to have me in your life after I tell you about myself. About my boyhood in England. About my parents.”
She toed off her shoes, then tucked her feet beneath her on the sofa. “Go ahead,” she urged gently, squeezing his shoulder encouragingly. “Tell me everything, Max.”
He nodded, then took a deep breath and began a long, sad tale of growing up desperately poor in a downtrodden factory town in northern England. The story continued as he told her about the father with violent tendencies who’d been imprisoned after killing another man, only to be murdered by another inmate. After learning that his mother had also been a drug addict, just like Abby Parrish had been, she leaned her head on his shoulder, cuddling up close against his side as though in solidarity.
Max’s arm slid about her shoulders as he went on with his story, relating the difficulties and peer pressure he’d faced as an adolescent, and how he had been determined to keep himself out of trouble and thereby have a better life one day. But rather than feel shock or revulsion - as Max had no doubt expected her to react - she felt nothing but sadness and dismay when he haltingly recounted the day he’d hit his mother’s boyfriend/drug dealer with a bat in order to protect her, only to accidentally cause the man’s death.
“You didn’t mean it,” she told him earnestly, squeezing his hand so tight he winced a bit. “I know you didn’t, Max. Because you don’t have it in you to intentionally want to cause someone’s death.”
“You should reserve judgment on that sentiment,” he chided, “until you’ve heard the rest of it.”
She listened quietly after that as he described the way he’d quickly and thoroughly dealt with the bullies at his new school, forcing herself not to protest when he admitted to actually enjoying the violent incidents. She was immensely proud after learning how he had virtually transformed himself from a roughhewn boy into a highly educated young man who’d earned a full scholarship to Stanford. He shared more details about his long standing friendship with Jordan and Finn, then reluctantly admitted there had been several more violent outbursts when the three of them had pledged to a fraternity.
“It sounds to me,” she declared fiercely, “like those bullies in your frat house definitely got what was coming to them. Just like the older boys at your boarding school. In both cases you were just sticking up for yourself. Did you honestly think I would be horrified to learn something like that?”
“Of course not,” he answered. “But it was never a question of whether you would think badly of me for defending myself from school bullies, Jill. Instead,” he added soberly, “it was the fact that I enjoyed inflicting physical harm on others. Every time I’d punch a boy in the face, or land a kick on his backside, it was with this sense of triumph, this feeling of power. I was, after all, my father’s son. Still am, for that matter, even though it’s been a long time since I’ve become physically violent.”
Jill stroked his arm comfortingly. “I think that would have been a very normal reaction under the circumstances,” she pointed out. “After the way you grew up, with no money or security or love, growing up rough and having to look out for yourself from such a young age. You probably felt powerless for a long time, Max, without any sort of say in your destiny, unable to control what happened to you. Maybe you felt that sense of satisfaction when you hit those bullies because you were finally the one in control, the one with the power. Did that thought ever occur to you even once?”
Max looked suddenly thoughtful. “I can’t honestly say that it did. I always assumed that I just had this tendency towards violence, that maybe I was even genetically pre-disposed that way. I still fear I’ve inherited that type of behavior from my father, and am terrified that I might pass it on to a child of mine one day. Which is one of the reasons why I’ve always avoided relationships. I was too ashamed to tell anyone about my past, and not just the part about the violence. I would have been humiliated to admit just how poor I was, the awful places I lived in, how my clothes were always a size too small and had come from charity shops. Or how I used to shoplift a chocolate bar or a loaf of bread because I was hungry and my mother had spent all of our money on drugs and alcohol. I worked very, very hard over the years to lose all trace of that boy, but part of him still exists deep inside of me, Jill.”
“Of course he does,” she soothed. “As he should. Don’t ever try to deny where you came from, Max, or forget the experiences that made you into the man you are today. Those are the sort of experiences that make us stronger, that force us to be better, to grow. Is that why you’ve never been back to England - because of the memories?”
He nodded. “Silly, I suppose. Especially the jobs I turned down in London. I’ve only been there a few times in my life on school trips, so the memories I have of the place are actually good ones.”
Jill grinned at him impishly. “Good. Then there’s no reason you can’t take me there one day for a visit. I’ve always wanted to see London, and maybe where Shakespeare lived. Oh, and the area where Downton Abbey was filmed. Do you know where that is?”
Max returned her grin. “I think perhaps the Cotswolds, but I don’t know for certain. And maybe you’re right. Maybe a trip to England would help to exorcise some of my old demons. That and seeing a therapist. Jordan suggested that last night, and offered to recommend a few. He’s a doctor, you know, though his specialty is in obstetrics and gynecology.”
“I think that would be a big help to you,” she agreed. “Seeing a therapist, that is. I’m just surprised your friend never suggested the idea until last night.”
He looked rather shamefaced at her observation. “That’s because I never told Jordan or Finn everything I just shared with you until last evening. Oh, they knew a few things, knew that I’d been at boarding school and Stanford on scholarships, and that I didn’t have any family to speak of. But most of it, in particular the outbursts of violence, they had no idea.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him reassuringly. “So you’ve kept your secrets all these years even from your best friends. I assume they were supportive?”
“Very much so. Though they were also a little offended that I’d never confided in them all these years. I also,” he added hesitantly, “might have told both of them, along with their fiancées, about you. In fact, the main reason I invited the four of them to my house for dinner last night was to ask for their advice on the best way to make things up to you. And to possibly think of a way to get you back. But since that involved telling them why I stupidly let you go in the first place, I found myself having to explain the reasons why.”
Jill gave him a mocking scowl. “Well, I hope that your friends told you what a huge mistake you made - in keeping your secrets to yourself for so long, but mostly for using them as an excuse to end things between us.”
Max gave her a playful pinch on the chin. “My friends never pass up an opportunity to tell me when I’ve made a mistake, trust me. And they did give me some very good advice when it came to winning you back.”
She squealed in surprise when he lifted her effortlessly to straddle his lap. “What - what sort of advice?” she asked breathlessly, all too aware of his hands caressing her buttocks.
His lips traced a hot, leisurely path along the side of her throat up to h
er ear. “They told me,” he whispered in a deep, seductive voice, “to not take no for an answer. To do whatever was necessary to make you take me back. To tell you I’m sorry every day for the rest of your life, to promise you anything and everything and then make sure I stand up to my end of the bargain, to seduce you and make love to you until you’re too crazed with lust to send me away. But most of all,” he murmured in her ear, his teeth tugging on the lob, “they advised me to tell you how damned much I love you, Jill. To tell you I’ve never said that to a woman before, never felt that for a woman before. And I do love you, Jill. More than my own life. And I can already guarantee that I’m going to make all sorts of mistakes along the way, that I have zero idea of how to manage a relationship, and that you’ll probably regret even thinking of agreeing to give me another chance. But I hope that - ”
“Yes,” she agreed fervently. “Yes - to all of it. And not to plagiarize the quote from Jerry McGuire but you had me at I love you.”
She took his face between her palms and pressed her mouth to his, sighing blissfully when his tongue slipped between her lips demandingly. With his hands on her hips to guide her, she began to grind her pelvis against his erection, moaning beneath his kiss as she felt herself grow wet. His hand slid up beneath the hem of her bulky sweater until he encountered the warm, bare flesh of her back, then continued on its path to her breast. Jill whimpered in response as he tugged her nipple through the delicate lace of her bra, her body reacting to him as though it had been mere hours since they had last been together instead of years.
This time when Max picked her up his destination was never in doubt as he carried her inside the bedroom with swift, purposeful strides. She hadn’t made the bed this morning, having planned to do so after her run, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care in the least as he set her down gently on the rumpled sheets. He undressed quickly, tossing his clothes off as though his skin was burning up. Jill did likewise, pulling off her sweater and unzipping her jeans, but paused before removing her lingerie when Max shook his head.
The One Real Regret Page 37