“You look great in a suit,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
“Don't do that,” he said, as he took my chin and lifted it so I'd have to look him in the eyes. “I mean what I say. You're perfect the way you are.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I wanted to say something to you.”
“Okay,” he said.
“I know you're going to be busy with Jenny, Jean, and Joe next Saturday. It's a very important day for the three of you. I won't bother you. If you need me, I'm only a call away. I know you really helped me when I needed it, and I want you to know I'm there if you need someone too.”
He let go of my chin and took a step back. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I knew I shouldn't let it bother me, but I felt the sting instantly.
“Thanks,” he said.
“If you're not busy next Sunday, I'd like to bring a gift by for Jenny. Would that be okay?”
“You heard Jean,” he said. “She said you're welcome anytime.”
“I wasn't asking Jean,” I said.
He looked down at me again, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
“That would be fine,” he said. “I'll see you Monday.”
“Monday,” I said, as I opened my door and got into my car.
“Hey,” I heard him yell, just before the door closed.
“What?” I yelled back.
“Text,” he began, but I cut him off.
“I know, text when I get home,” I said.
“Smart ass,” was all I heard before my door closed.
The entire drive home, I didn't know what to think. So much was going through my mind. Did Doug know Derek was at the meetings? If so, why hadn't he said anything to me? What had he said to Derek? Had he told Gabby? Was my body really good enough in the suit? Was Derek just being nice by saying that? What was he going to do that next Saturday? Was he going to be okay? Was Jenny going to have a good birthday?
When I pulled into the driveway, I was happy to see that nobody was home. The thought of relaxing on the couch with Gabe, watching a cartoon, sounded perfect. I sent Derek a quick text to let him know I was there as soon as we were safely inside. Then I turned on a cartoon and spent some time alone with my son. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed and had that much fun. As tired as I was, the day had ended up being exactly what I'd needed. It was perfect.
Chapter 32
Bridget
I showed up at the meeting Monday night in an amazing mood. I'd been through a whole day at work. Even though I was tired, I was excited to see everyone and have coffee after it was over. I'd also brought invitations to Gabe's birthday party that would be happening in one month. They had little animals on them. I made them myself on the computer and thought they came out really good. I'd thought about it on Sunday. It was my little boy's first birthday. Should I just have family, or should I invite the group as well? Then I thought about the pool and having fun with everyone. I also thought about Derek's comment, the one about me not admitting to knowing him. If Doug already knew, why not let Gabby know too. There was no reason for me to hide my friends and the people I talked to. They had all helped me in one way or another in the almost year I'd been going. Not inviting them would only be me worrying about hurting Gabby's feelings, but the day was Gabe's. It was his birthday, and he needed to have kids around. I let Gabby and Doug know I was having a party and what day it would be, and I also let them know people from the group would be coming. I noticed Doug's eyes go wide for a moment as he looked at me. Maybe he did know, I thought. It wouldn't matter much longer if he did anyway.
Before the meeting started, I walked around and gave one to each parent. When I handed Derek his, he gave me a strange look. I even gave one to Taylor. As soon as he ripped it open, he let me know he'd be there with TJ. When I asked Derek if he was coming, he just shrugged. I don't know why, but that hurt my feelings. I didn't expect him to jump up and down, but I did expect a little more than a shrug.
As soon as the meeting was over, I took off for the coffee place, ordered, and had the coffees on the table before the door opened and he walked in. It didn't take long before the subject of the party came up.
“I thought you'd be a bit more excited about the party than a shrug,” I said. “Don't you want to come?”
“I'm not sure,” was all I got back. When I didn't speak for a moment, he finally gave me a bit more. “Why did you invite me?”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “I invited our whole group.”
“Okay,” he said. “You invited me because you invited everyone. I get it.”
“Derek,” I said. “I wanted to invite you. I was just saying I invited everyone.”
“You don't think Gabby and Doug are going to be upset when everyone shows up,” he said.
“I told them I was having the party. I don't need to ask permission to have people there. I live there too,” I snapped.
“Okay,” he said.
“I want Gabe to have kids and people he knows there. There's nothing wrong with that,” I said. “Why am I explaining this to you?”
“I didn't say there was anything wrong with it,” he said. “You don't have to explain anything to me.”
“You knew Doug before I knew you,” I said. “You two have worked together for several years. It never felt like you had a problem with him or Gabby before.”
“I don't have a problem with them,” he said, but he was full of shit. There was something there.
“Really?” I asked.
“I just don't get why you had to go back to work,” he said, and I was shocked.
We'd talked about it briefly a couple of times, but I hadn't realized it was such a big deal to him. I also didn't know why he even cared.
“They are running that company together. I'm no fool. I know how much it's worth. I'm sure the house the four of you live in is paid for too. You cook and clean. On top of that, you have the money they gave you. Why do you need to work? You could be home with Gabe.”
“I already told you, I'll never touch that money. It's the baby's. He will use it for college and anything else he wants. I still live there. I need to contribute.”
“Why?” he asked. “Doug is always trying to protect you. You can't even ride the damn elevator up without him being there. They both have an opinion about everything when it comes to you. I can't believe they want you at work instead of at home with the baby.”
“They don't always have an opinion,” I snapped.
“Yes they do,” he said. “Look at Gabe's bedroom. What did you tell me about that? You didn't even decorate it, she did.”
“She did it to be helpful, not because she has to have control,” I said. “That was her way of getting me to move in there.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because she wanted to be with us,” I said.
“But she has no problem with the baby being cared for by someone else during the day. Maybe she just wants you at work.”
“I barely do anything for her anymore,” I said. “I work pretty much for Doug now.”
He shook his head but didn't say anything for a minute.
“You know what's going to happen if I come there, right?” he finally asked.
“What?” I asked.
“Doug is going to be on you about who you're around, and Gabby is going to ask you a million questions,” he answered.
“They are both going to do that no matter what,” I said. “I guess I just hoped you'd actually want to come.”
He let out a long breath through his nose, and his hand went up and combed through his hair.
“Just forget it,” I said. “I didn't think it was that hard to be around me. I guess it just depends who else is around.”
“You finally don't have a problem with them knowing you know me after almost a year and I'm supposed to get excited about it,” he said.
He was being an asshole, and I was pissed.
“Screw you,” I said. “I i
nvited everyone. It's not like you're the only one coming over.”
“I know that,” he said. “I'm only being invited because everyone else is too.”
He stood up from the table, leaving his coffee there.
“I have to go,” he said.
Then he turned around and walked out.
“Bullshit,” I snapped, as I got up and took off after him.
I caught up with him just as the door to his truck opened. He lifted his foot to get in, and I smacked it away. When he turned on me, there was fire in his eyes. I pulled my shoulders back and stood tall.
“I get that this is going to be a hard week for you, but you don't have to treat me like shit,” I snapped. “I'm not a doormat. I invited you to the damn party because I wanted you and Jenny there. Does it really have to turn into some bullshit about Doug and Gabby? I don't know what you and Doug have going. Shit! I didn't even know he knew. I wanted you to be there for my son's birthday, but it looks like you have some other crazy ass shit going on in your head about it. The three of you can kiss my ass. I'm fucking tired of trying to please everyone. Come or don't. That's up to you.”
Then I turned, walked over, got in my car, and took off. Fuck him! Fuck them all!
The whole drive home, I realized that I hadn't been scared when he looked at me with fire in his eyes. That was unusual. Much less than that had scared me for years. I also felt horrible for what I'd said. See how easy that was. I went from pissed to feeling bad within two seconds. It was going to be a hard week for him. Should I have put on a smile and taken his shit, or was I right to react? I guess it didn't matter what I should have done since I'd acted before even thinking. I should have been more sensitive to his situation. His daughter was getting ready to turn five, and her birthday would also mark the five year anniversary of him losing his wife. I couldn't imagine what he was going through. My situation was completely different. I guess I'd been the asshole, even though I'd said it was him.
As soon as I got Gabe to bed, I got into bed and grabbed my phone.
Me: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I know this is a hard week for you and your family. I'll do my best to stay away from you and give you some space. I don't feel like I was a good friend back there. My emotions got the best of me. I was just excited about you coming and was shocked by your reaction. I get it. You don't have to come.
I was just starting to fall asleep when I heard the ding of my phone.
Derek: Nothing to be sorry about. It was how you felt. I'd rather you be honest than lie to my face. You work so hard to please them, I wouldn't want you to feel like you had to please me too. Have a good night.
I read that message over and over. What did he mean I worked so hard to please them? And then he wouldn't want me to feel like I had to please him too. I wanted to go back at him and say something, but I knew it wasn't a good idea. I'd only need to apologize again if I did. I needed to be the better person. If I messaged him back, we'd go back and forth all night, and it wouldn't end well. There was no way I was doing that. It was hard to get him to talk again after arguing with him, and that wasn't a challenge I was up for. I didn't have the energy. When I put my phone down, I thought for sure it would ding again, but it didn't. I guess he didn't have the energy either.
As tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. By the time I finally nodded off, it was four o'clock, and I had to be up in two hours to get us ready for our day.
I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to pour myself some coffee. When I walked through the door, Doug was pouring himself a cup as well.
“You okay?” he asked, as I walked right by without a word to pour my own cup.
“Just tired,” I answered.
“Didn't you sleep?” he asked. “You went to bed as soon as you got home.”
“Couldn't sleep,” I answered.
“Was the meeting okay?” he asked. “Did someone say something to you?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but Gabby came through the door. With my coffee in my hand, I turned toward that same door.
“It was fine,” I said, as I walked out of there and back up to my room.
Was he talking about Derek, I wondered?
By the time I finally got moving, got Gabe where he needed to go, and got to work, I was exhausted. I sat down behind my desk, turned on my computer, and opened my email. Then I let out a sigh.
“Good morning,” I heard the stern tone in his voice, but I didn't look up.
“Morning,” I said, as I kept working, or at least pretending to work.
Then he was gone.
The rest of the week went the same way. It took all I had not to say more, but I knew it wouldn't help the situation for either of us.
Saturday morning came, and all I could do was think about him, Jenny, Jean, and Joe. Was Jenny having a good birthday? Had they gone to the cemetery? Were they even celebrating her birthday? How was Derek? How was Jean and Joe? What were they doing? I felt like a horrible friend. He'd been there for me on my rough day, but I wasn't there for him. He didn't baby me or treat me like I was going to break, he never did that. He said he'd need the same from me in six months, and that time had come, but I wasn't there. I wanted to so badly to be there, but I also wanted to give him space. I was doing the best I could. I was leaving him alone. I just couldn't let the whole day go by without sending a message to Jenny. I'd send one and that was it, I told myself.
Me: Happy Birthday, Jenny! I hope you have a great day.
There, I'd sent it. I put my phone down and tried to get some things done around the house. When I went back to my phone, I hurried to check the message that had come through.
Derek: She said thank you.
I set the phone back down and walked away, only to run right back and pick it up again.
Me: Are you okay? It's taking all I have to leave you alone today. Please just tell me you're okay.
His message came instantly.
Derek: I'm okay.
Me: Are you really, or are you just saying that?
Derek: That was what you wanted to hear.
I read his message and smiled. He was so damn cocky.
Me: How are you really?
Derek: Complete shit.
Me: I'm sorry.
Derek: You didn't do anything.
Me: What's going on?
I knew I was either going to get a none of your business or he'd actually talk to me. Either way, I'd be fine with it.
Derek: I feel like an asshole and bad dad. She's been gone for five years, but it feels like yesterday. I know Jean and Joe feel it too. I know I need to be there for them. We need to mourn her. It's also my little girl's birthday. I want her to have a good day. I don't want her whole day to be filled with sadness every single year. She should have a happy, fun, and exciting day. She should have gifts and a party. How do I do all of that in the same day?
Me: I honestly don't know. I get what you're saying. You want to honor your wife and make you're little girl's day fun.
Derek: Exactly.
I couldn't believe he was actually talking to me, or texting really. He was communicating, and I had no idea what to say.
Me: Have you gone to the cemetery yet?
Derek: Not yet.
Me: Let her pick flowers and balloons for her mom. Take them to the cemetery with the three of you. Then take her out to dinner wherever she wants to go for her birthday. Make it a happy time all the way around.
Derek: You make it sound so easy.
Me: I know it isn't. You saw a pretty ugly side of me six months ago. Just do the best you can. Jenny, Jean, Joe, and Jennifer will still love you no matter how the day goes.
We didn't talk for the rest of the day. When I got into bed that night, I grabbed my phone again.
Me: I hope the day turned out the way you wanted. Is noon okay tomorrow?
Derek: For what?
Shit! He'd forgotten that I'd asked about bringing Jenny a present. I wasn't sure if I should say forget
it, or if I should remind him. I wanted to take her something from Gabe and me so she knew I remembered her birthday, and I wasn't not going to do it because of her dad. She was part of our group too.
Me: You said I could bring Jenny a gift.
Derek: I did. I'm sorry. I'd totally forgotten.
That stung even though it shouldn't have. Before you say anything, I knew that was a selfish thought.
Me: I can do it another day.
Derek: No, noon is fine. I know it will make her day to see the two of you.
Me: You sure?
Derek: Positive.
I'd just set the phone back down when I heard the ding.
Derek: Thank you for earlier. I appreciate it. We did exactly as you suggested, and it turned out to be the best it could be. I'll see you tomorrow.
Me: Tell Jean I'm bringing lunch. See you tomorrow.
I'd already gone out to get Jenny's gift earlier in the week. It was wrapped and sitting in my trunk. I hadn't wanted to explain to Gabby and Doug what it was. Sounds like a sissy move, right? Derek's words came back to me, the ones about making them happy. I was starting to think maybe he had a point. He wasn't completely wrong. I was a grown woman. It shouldn't have been that way.
We stopped at the store on the way over. I bought a cake and balloons. Then I picked up chicken and sides for lunch. When I pulled into their driveway, I thought about the last time I'd been there and laughed. That was a crazy night.
Jenny came running out of the house as soon as my door opened. I scooped her up and hugged her tight.
“Happy Birthday,” I said.
“I'm so happy,” she squealed.
Derek came out a few seconds later. When he opened my trunk, he looked up at me.
“Did you leave anything at the store?” he asked.
“It's a special day,” I said, with a smile.
He shook his head and grabbed the gift along with the balloons out. Then he headed for the house.
“I'll come back and get the rest,” he yelled out, over his shoulder.
He came back out a few moments later and grabbed the bags of food and the cake.
“I'll be right back to get Gabe and his bag,” he said.
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