Sinkville Spells, Potions and Cat Food Recipes.
It was tiny and bound in flaky old leather. Tiny enough to fit in a witch’s pocket …
‘Fairy flattener,’ Fran said, making Tiga jump. She held the book behind her back.
‘Fairy flattener?’ Tiga asked.
Fran nodded at Lizzie Beast’s mum. She was huge and grinning a gigantic grin.
Mrs Brew walked over to Tiga and tapped her shoulder. ‘I wish you lots of luck, Tiga,’ she said, giving her a hug. ‘I will cheer for you and Fluffanora!’
Tiga hugged her so tightly she thought she heard one of the glass swirls on her hat popping off.
‘Oh, Mrs Brew, Mrs Brew, Mrs Brew!’ Fran squealed.
Mrs Brew forced a smile and tried to step around the fairy.
‘I’M WEARING ONE OF YOUR DRESSES, MRS BREW!’
‘Yes,’ Mrs Brew said with a kind smile. ‘Very nice.’
‘I WEAR YOUR DRESSES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!’ Fran roared.
Tiga laughed, but then she noticed the front door was creaking open. No one else seemed to notice. Tiga edged closer. As she reached for the handle, the door flew open.
‘Genuine hats wots got stuck in the pipes! The genuine article! Get yer genuine hats from the pipes above!’
In the doorway stood an extremely grubby old witch. She had an old cart filled with the most disgustingly tattered and slimy hats.
Tiga didn’t know, but the grubby old witch had been part of Witch Wars since the competition first began, over a thousand years ago. So really she looked very good for her age.
Fran clapped her hands. ‘Right, it’s time. Come along, out the door! Line up outside!’
It was a tradition that the old witch appeared outside Linden House before each competition to present the shrivelled heads and predict the winner. She had never been wrong – that’s why she wore a badge that said, ‘I AM NEVER WRONG.’
Fran raised her hands in the air. ‘OK, old cart witch lady, the shrivelled heads!’
The witch cackled loudly.
BANG!
‘What just happened?’ Peggy said.
Tiga turned to look at her and there, right in her face, was a shrivelled Peggy head, nestled on the rim of Peggy’s hat.
Peggy pointed at Tiga’s and laughed.
‘Ha! Tiga, your head!’
Tiga lifted her hat off and looked at her tiny shrivelled head. It looked all wrinkly and terrifying, and her eyes were closed.
Tiga spotted Fluffanora in the corner staring at her shrivelled head and gagging.
Fran clapped her hands and zoomed around above the crowd, who were all pointing at the shrivelled heads and squealing.
‘QUIET!’ she bellowed.
The crowd fell silent.
She cleared her throat and said softly. ‘And now old cart witch lady, tell us, who is going to win?’
The old witch stepped forward and, after a really long pause, croaked the following very important words:
‘An elegant witch will rule this land,
And that bossy one will lend a hand.
Witch sisters, maybe, but not the same.
One is dear.
The other? A PAIN.
And, much like the tales of times gone by,
They will find a sweet apple and … My oh my, is that the time? I’d better go.’
And off she hobbled, pushing her creaky cart through the silent crowd. Once she’d got near the back she shouted, ‘Real witch hats wot fell from the pipes!’ and everyone jumped.
‘Elegant?’ Peggy said. ‘Well, it’s definitely not me.’ ‘Or you,’ Felicity Bat said to Tiga.
‘Oooh, I’m elegant, Fel-Fel,’ said Aggie Hoof, hugging Felicity Bat’s arm, ‘and you’re really bossy.’
‘Yeah, but neither of you are dear. You’re both pains,’ said Fluffanora.
Fran shot some glittery dust at them and the conversation stopped. Almost all the glittery dust ended up in Peggy’s mouth. She coughed and a clump of glitter fell out, like a dressed-up fur ball.
‘I present each of you,’ Fran said grandly, ‘with a map, and the brilliant book, The Not Nearly Complete History of Sinkville, to help you on your way.’
In front of each witch, a rolled-up map and a dusty old book fell from above and landed with a thud.
Aggie Hoof picked up hers and tossed it to the side. ‘I only read Toad magazine.’
Tiga flipped through the pages.
THE YEAR OF
SITTING DOWN
Everyone, at some point,
during the Year of Sitting
Down, sat down.
Tiga looked up from the book just as Fran shouted, ‘OK! So now we begin the countdown!’
The crowd went wild!
‘A-three! A-two! A–’
A woman holding a clipboard in the crowd hissed, ‘Fairies.’
Tiga spotted a tiny bead of sweat fall from Fran’s head.
‘Ah, the f-fairies,’ stuttered Fran. ‘Oops, yes, almost forgot THE FAIRIES!’ And, just like that, a bunch of fairies fell from above and landed with a thud on the pavement. All eyes in the crowd shifted from the Witch Wars witches to the crumpled fairies on the ground.
‘You will each be given a fairy to assist you, kindly provided by Brollywood Studios. The fairies will also film your activity for all of Sinkville to see, with the small cameras attached to their heads!’
The crowd cheered. Fran looked pleased with herself.
‘Patty Pigeon, you will have Sally.’
The smallest fairy peeled herself off the pavement and glared at Fran. She flew into the air and zoomed around Patty Pigeon.
‘Fluffanora, you have the lovely Millbug-Mae …’
Millbug-Mae, a round little fairy with oversized eyeballs, flew over to Fluffanora and sat on her shoulder.
‘Lizzie Beast, you have Julie Jumbo Wings.’
‘IT’S JUST JULIE!’ the fairy yelled. She stood up and flew elegantly through the air, one arm outstretched. Her wings, which were bigger than Tiga’s hands, slapped against Peggy’s face as she went.
‘Ow. Nope. I’m fine! Just my face …’ Peggy said, rubbing her cheek.
Milly and Molly got a couple of fairies called the Sulky Sisters. They flew around saying, ‘Ugh, hate this! Can’t be bothered. Ugh, why us? Ugh.’ And Felicity Bat got a fairy with fangs called Crispy. Tiga thought Crispy looked a lot like a fairy whose face had melted and someone had unsuccessfully tried to squash it back together. Aggie Hoof’s fairy was far less scary, but she was having problems with her.
‘Just FLY, Donna, please,’ Aggie Hoof pleaded.
Donna the fairy threw her hands in the air. ‘Oh right, so just because I’m a fairy, you think I should fly. Fly, little fairy, fly! You’re so rude.’
Aggie Hoof got down on her hands and knees. ‘But we’re never going to get anywhere, Donna, if you walk!’
Donna scowled.
‘Tiga, that just leaves you, and you, my dear, get me! Eek! How exciting for you!’ Fran swirled around in front of her. Tiga wasn’t sure if it was a good thing to be lumbered with Fran. She supposed she could’ve got slow-walking Donna or terrifying Crispy, but Fran was mad! Fabulous, yes. But also mad.
Tiga heard a cough behind her. It was Peggy.
‘Oh, Peggy, the glitter will be completely out of your mouth soon. Be quiet,’ Fran said impatiently before flashing the audience a big smile.
‘Oh, no, sorry, Fran, I was doing the coughing thing to get your attention. You see, I haven’t got a fairy.’
The woman in the crowd with the clipboard ran a finger down the page. ‘Bow,’ she yelled over to Fran.
‘Ah, Bow, yes! Peggy’s fairy.’ Fran zoomed around for a bit and then shook her head. ‘She’s a no-show. No-show Bow.’
‘What?’ Peggy said.
‘She’s not showed up – she’s not here – so you won’t have a fairy, Peggy. You might not even be seen in Witch Wars. Sorry.’
Peggy raised a finger and opene
d her mouth to say something in protest, but there was a massive bang and some letters exploded in the air.
Peggy sighed.
‘The first clue!’ Fran said, zooming around the glittery letters.
If every witch in this city
Sat on your shoulders,
It wouldn’t be pretty!
A pile of you lot in a fuss
Could never be as tall as us.
The witches stared up at the clue.
‘Huh?’ said Aggie Hoof.
Fran wiggled in the air. ‘Oh! Forgot the last bit!’
Some more glittery letters exploded in the air.
In order to single me out from the rest,
Look for a shouting big, bald PEST.
‘Huh?’ said Aggie Hoof.
‘AND WITCH WARS IS A GO!’ Fran yelled, before turning to Tiga and saying quickly, ‘Felicity Bat is about to attack you.’
It all happened very quickly. So quickly, in fact, that it has gone down in history as the quickest Witch Wars fight on record.
Felicity Bat flew towards Tiga, her arms outstretched and clearly aimed at the shrivelled head on top of Tiga’s hat.
If it was viewed in slow motion, which it was by millions watching the replay on the Fairy Network, this is what happened:
Donna the fairy bit Aggie Hoof’s toe; Aggie Hoof then spun round and knocked into Peggy, who fell forward and straight into Lizzie Beast, who turned to see what Peggy was doing, hit one of Julie’s jumbo wings and sent her spinning through the air, straight into Felicity Bat’s face. Peggy realised what was going on, grabbed Tiga’s arm, screamed, ‘THIS WAY!’ and – even though she had absolutely no idea where she was going – ducked down a side street and ran and ran, and ran quite a lot more.
‘I think we’ve lost her,’ Tiga said. ‘Thanks, Pegs.’
‘Do you mean Felicity Bat … or FRAN?’ Peggy panted, struggling to speak.
‘Er, I meant Felicity Bat, but, Peggy, we have also lost Fran …’
They looked up and down the street, and up in the air.
‘We’ve definitely lost Fran,’ Tiga concluded.
‘Or have you?’ Fran said, walking down the wall, looking smug. ‘I’m a pro, you know. When I did a TV show about fairies who refuse to fly, called Wasted Wings, I ran around a lot, so let me tell you I’m well prepared for this competition.’
Peggy was still panting. She was doubled over now. She held up a hand. ‘That’s great, Fran.’
‘That was close,’ Tiga said nervously.
Peggy wheezed and pulled her notebook out of her pocket. She shakily scribbled the clue in it and placed it on the ground.
‘I have no idea what that means,’ she said.
They all crowded around it.
‘It’s something tall … Maybe it’s a giant! They’re much taller than a pile of witches,’ suggested Tiga.
Peggy cackled. ‘Giants aren’t real!’
‘Well then, maybe it’s a mountain? What about that Pearl Peak place Aggie Hoof was harping on about?’
‘It could be Pearl Peak, I suppose,’ mumbled Peggy, pulling the map out of her pocket. ‘But no. The clue was “could never be as tall as us”. There’s only one mountain. It must be a group of tall things.’
Tiga’s eyes darted about the map and settled on a cluster of really tall, spindly buildings. They were the tallest things on the map.
‘The Towers,’ she read.
‘THE TOWERS!’ Peggy cheered.
Meanwhile, back on the street about ten steps down the road from Linden House, Aggie Hoof was on her knees.
‘PLEASE JUST FLY, DONNA! FLY! PLEASE!’
Nearby, Fluffanora was speaking to Mavis by the jam stalls.
‘The thing I like most about jam is the word. Jam. It’s a good word, isn’t it?’ Fluffanora said, turning a jar of jam in her hand. ‘Jam. Jam. Jam. Jam.’
Mavis raised an eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you meant to be competing in Witch Wars, Fluffanora?’
Fluffanora shook her head. ‘Not interested, Mavis. Not interested.’
Just then, the tattered old witch with the cart of horrible hats creaked past. Fluffanora and Mavis watched her trundle on down the road towards Aggie Hoof.
‘Genuine hats wot I got from the pipes! Genuine hats from the pipes! Who wants genuine hats from them pipes wot I got from up there?’
‘DONNA, JUST FLY!’
Aggie Hoof wasn’t paying attention at all. The old witch came to a halt next to her. ‘Genuine hats wot I got from the pipes!’
‘PLEEEEASE!’ Aggie Hoof roared.
Well, the tattered old witch thought she meant ‘PLEASE give me a hat!’, which of course she didn’t. And so she lifted off Aggie Hoof’s hat and plonked a disgusting slimy one on top of her head.
‘Ta da! Wots you got there, little witchy, is a genuine hat wot I got from the pipes above!’
There was a pause. Everyone on the street seemed to freeze, apart from Donna, who adjusted the tiny camera on her head and pointed it at Aggie Hoof.
‘What … is … on … my HEEEEEEEEEAD?’ Aggie Hoof screeched. Her voice shot up the street and bounced off the buildings. Almost everyone within a mile radius heard her, including Tiga, Peggy and Fran, who were only a couple of streets away, racing towards the hillside where the tall towers stood.
Peggy skidded to a halt.
‘What do you think just happened?’ Tiga asked.
Peggy held Tiga’s hand up. ‘TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV,’ she said.
An image appeared. It was Aggie Hoof spinning round madly. She was spinning so fast all they could see was a huge puffy dress and a bit of hair sticking out the top. And on top of that hair was a crusty old pointed hat.
‘GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF MY HEAD!’
‘Oh, calm down,’ Fluffanora said, strolling over. But Aggie Hoof couldn’t hear anything over her own screeching, and she certainly couldn’t see anything from under the hat.
‘Let me just take –’ Fluffanora began. But, before she could finish, Aggie Hoof spun and smacked into her.
Fluffanora’s hat flew off.
Aggie Hoof continued to spin round madly.
‘TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF!’
Fluffanora did just that. She lifted the hat off Aggie Hoof’s head.
‘Oh, Fluffanora!’ she squealed. ‘I knew we would be friends! You saved me!’ She took a step forward to try to hug Fluffanora.
CRUNCH.
Aggie Hoof stared down at her feet and her mouth fell open.
‘YOU SILLY NONSENSE STUPID RUBBISH FROGFACE IDIOT!’ roared Millbug-Mae, pointing a tiny finger at Aggie Hoof. It was the first thing Millbug-Mae had said, and it was an interesting choice of words …
‘Aggie Hoof just squashed Fluffanora’s shrivelled head!’ Peggy cried.
Tiga stared at the TV screen. Black smoke was billowing up Fluffanora’s legs.
Aggie Hoof slowly backed away, and then shot off down the street. Donna the fairy sat down cross-legged on the pavement and waved as the irritating witch disappeared into the distance.
Tiga watched in horror as the black smoke engulfed Fluffanora and she disappeared with a little pop.
Fran giggled like a lunatic and pointed at the screen. ‘Oh, I love the pop! Before it was just smoke and disappearing. I suggested adding the pop. It really adds something, doesn’t it?’
‘Where did she go?’ Tiga asked.
‘She’s fine. She’s been sent home,’ said Fran.
Behind them, a little further down the road back at Linden House, the flag with Fluffanora’s face on it curled up and fell to the ground.
FLUFFANORA
IS OUT!
The daughter of Ritzy City’s most famous designer is the first to be knocked out of the competition, less than an hour after it began! Our reporter caught up with Fluffanora to ask her some questions.
Reporter: You’re out, Fluffanora. How do you feel?
Fluffanora: Yeah, good, thanks.
Reporter: How do you feel abo
ut the fact Aggie Hoof, Pearl Peak’s richest kid and owner of Sinkville’s only diamond-covered pet octopus, was the one who knocked your shrivelled head off? Fluffanora … ?
NOTE FROM THE RITZY CITY POST EDITOR: THIS INTERVIEW ENDED ABRUPTLY AS FLUFFANORA WENT INSIDE CLUTTERBUCKS AND OUR REPORTER WASN’T ALLOWED IN.
And so, a final word from Fluffanora’s fairy Millbug-May.
Millbug-May: END! That’s a final word, isn’t it?
Reporter: Oh, never mind.
‘Oh, I’m such a beautiful idiot!’ Aggie Hoof cried, clutching the copy of the Ritzy City Post, which had only seconds earlier been shot out of a cannon. ‘I can’t believe I crushed her shrivelled head.’
‘I know,’ Felicity Bat said. ‘It was brilliant.’
Aggie Hoof’s eyes widened. ‘Was it, Fel-Fel?’
Felicity Bat wasn’t really listening; she was busy scrunching up the bed covers in Linden House with her hands. Well, she was scrunching her hands in the air and the bed covers were moving.
‘And now, Crispy, you point your little camera here.’
Terrifying Crispy waddled over to the edge of the bed and pointed her camera at the lump of covers.
‘Fel-Fel, what are you doing … ?’
Felicity Bat took the hat off her head and placed it on top of the covers. ‘Excellent.’
Aggie Hoof raised a finger in the air. ‘Ah! I see what you’re doing! You’re going to pretend it’s you in bed and then you’re going to make Crispy stand here all day long, videoing it!’
‘That way,’ Felicity Bat said smugly, ‘no one will know where I am.’
Crispy flung her arms in the air. ‘I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE!’
Felicity Bat only looked at the fairy, but the look was enough to terrify Crispy.
‘OK, I’ll stay right here,’ she said obediently.
Felicity Bat marched out of the door with Aggie Hoof trotting along at her side.
‘Give me that hat,’ Felicity Bat snapped, grabbing the hat off Aggie Hoof’s head.
Witch Wars Page 5