“Jenny,” I say loudly, snapping her out of her daze.
“Huh? What?” She blinks. Then she takes my arm and leads me into a corner of the dining room. “Halo,” she says, lowering her voice. “I think Ryder is a better version of Thomas. I think you need to see what happens with him,” she says suggestively.
“Huh? This is coming from the woman who thought I was crazy bringing him home and renting him the garage?”
“We didn’t know him yet. But now we’re getting to know him better and Dave agrees—he seems like a nice guy.”
“I know, but what happens when his memory comes back? What happens if he remembers his family, his friends and he has to leave us? I don’t think I can go through something like that again. Things aren’t so simple, Jenny. He has dreams and he gets upset. I can see a similar pattern forming with him like I did with Thomas. Thomas didn’t always have bad PTSD. It spiraled out of control. I think Ryder may have something similar. That’s why he doesn’t remember his past. He was the sole survivor of an ambush. I mean, look at him—half his body has been broken or charred.”
“You have to admit that even with the limp and the scars on his face he’s hot. Look, I’m not saying run off and get married. All I’m saying is that he’s been good for you and Brandon. I don’t know… You deserve to have some fun.” Her eyes glimmer and I know she’s talking about sex. It’s been close to ten months since I’ve had sex. Of course I feel urges, even when I was pregnant, but right now the doctor said no sex until I’m six weeks post-partum. If I’m being honest with myself the thought of sex scares the heck out of me anyway.
“Jenny, the birth is still too fresh in my mind. That is completely not on my agenda,” I chide her.
“What’s not on your agenda?” Maggie cuts in.
“Sex,” Jenny answers, and I glare at her wide-eyed.
“No worries, hon. After I had Jeremiah I wouldn’t let Joshua near me for three months. I went for my doctor’s appointment at six weeks and the doctor assured me everything was fine down there but it wasn’t happening.” Maggie laughs.
Joshua comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist. She looks back at him and pats his cheek. “I’m just telling the ladies how I blue balled you after Jeremiah was born,” she tells him.
“Okay… Well then. I’ll get some spinach dip now…” Joshua says slowly, dropping his arms and pulling away, clearly embarrassed. Maggie throws her head back and laughs.
“I was the same, Maggie,” Jenny says, waving her hand. “After Tyler was born. But after my second and third we jumped back into sex relatively quick.”
“Oh, us too with Jared,” Maggie agrees.
“Well, thanks for prepping me on the post-partum sex details, ladies. I don’t have a partner for that stuff but it’s all good.” I cackle and Ryder chooses that exact moment to walk up to the conversation.
“What do you need a partner for, Halo? Maybe I can help out?” he says with sincerity.
Jenny and Maggie burst into a fit of giggles and I dream of being an ice cube so I can melt onto the floor and disappear.
Ryder looks confused.
“Thanks for the offer, Ryder, but all is good. No need for a partner.” I tap his hard chest and Jenny practically topples over laughing.
“I’m missing something here,” Ryder states.
“Yes,” I confirm.
“Ladies’ stuff?”
I nod.
“Well then. I’ll help clean up. I heard Melissa and Chad saying they’re leaving soon.” His cheeks have a pink tinge.
“Thanks again, Ryder.” I flush too and he turns and nods with a grin. I make my way over to Melissa.
“We’re heading out, Halo. It was so nice to meet Brandon. He’s such a cutie.” She smiles then leans in to give me a hug.
“Thanks for coming,” I reply, wrapping my arm around her.
She whispers in my ear. “Ryder is a cutie too,” then she pulls away and gives me a quick wink.
What is it with all these ladies winking at me tonight?
“Bye, Chad.” I lean in for a hug.
“Bye, Halo. Thanks for having us. Your boy is adorable and the house looks great.”
Although it was great seeing everyone, I’m happy they’re leaving because I’m exhausted. I could fall asleep standing up. After saying goodbyes to all the couples, the house is once again quiet.
“I think I’ll clean up in the morning,” I say. “I kind of feel exhausted. I’ll just put the leftovers in the fridge. You’re probably tired. You don’t need to stay, Ryder.” I stretch my arms as my words drown into a yawn. My lack of sleep is catching up with me.
“I’ll help with the food. And help you take Brandon upstairs.”
I’m happy he still offers to carry Brandon even though he knows I’ve been feeling better. I like our little bedtime routine. I like that Brandon has the consistency. Although I worry when it will end.
“Sure, thanks,” I say.
Ryder and I quickly pack away the leftovers. He walks over to the playpen and picks up Brandon. I like watching his biceps flex as he cradles him close to his chest. I follow as they slowly make their way up the stairs. Ryder is able to bend his knee a little more now that he stopped wearing the brace. His movement isn’t so rigid. Brandon’s crib is back in the nursery. I follow Ryder inside and watch as he gently places Brandon in the crib followed by the usual, “Goodnight, buddy.” It makes my heart feel warm. Then he turns and walks toward me.
“Thanks for inviting me tonight. I hope it wasn’t awkward with your friends,” he says nervously.
“You did great,” I reassure him. “I’m glad you could join us.”
Ryder keeps his eyes trained on me. “You look really beautiful tonight,” he says with a low, deep voice. I internally do a happy dance. It’s been a while since I had the attention of a man.
“Thank you,” I answer, slightly breathless. I kind of wore this red dress because I thought you may like it, even though I felt self-conscious about my body.
He moves a step closer and my pulse picks up speed. His palm brushes my cheek while his eyes ask for permission. Then he slowly moves forward and I feel hot and tingly. His movements are slow so that if I wanted the chance to pull away I could have done so a hundred times over. Only I don’t want to pull away. I want to feel his lips. He leans forward, connecting our mouths. At first our warm lips brush. It’s as if he’s waiting for me to push him away or give him permission to move forward. I lace my hands at the back of his neck and he draws me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. He’s being slow and gentle. Despite my initial panic at our first connection, I relax into the kiss. Ryder slowly licks along my lower lip and enters my mouth. Our tongues lash out at each other. I can feel the heat taking over my entire body. He tastes like heaven and hell because I want more of him, but guilt is gripping me in a chokehold. I can’t stop myself or pull away. The kiss picks up speed and turns into an erotic mixture of tongues and passion. There is the slight unease in the back of my head that’s saying, “Whoa! What’s happening here?”
Even though I don’t want to think of Thomas, I do. He was my first and my last and it’s hard not to compare. But it was so different. We were so young, teenagers. Ryder and I are adults. This is a whole new ball game.
My heart is hammering in my chest. A part of me wants to wrap my legs around him and let him take me to bed. But I know I’m not ready for everything it will mean. I need to say goodbye to Thomas, emotionally, mentally before I can move forward.
The kiss slows into a gentle, meaningful caress. He pulls away and tilts his forehead to press against mine.
“Was that okay?” he asks through ragged breaths.
I’m breathless myself. “Yes.” I close my eyes, feeling a whirlwind of emotion. Elation, disloyalty, happiness, guilt. Something has been happening with Ryder since I first met him. It couldn’t be love at first sight. We were both a mess but there was no denying the pull between us. I begin to wonder
what would happen if Thomas came home now. Would I still be his?
“I should go,” he says, his hoarse voice filled with lust. “I’ll go lock up.” He releases my hand and places a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist and I’m melting. As he turns away, my earlier guilt dissolves. I’m still confused but I know I’m attracted to him. I wasn’t sure he felt the same way before, but I know now.
I don’t know where we go from here. I remember Nurse Judy in the hospital telling me I will need to move on for Brandon’s sake. It’s hard when I had no closure with Thomas. I quietly enter Brandon’s room and take a quick peek at him to make sure he’s okay. I watch his chest rise and fall peacefully. Everything in my life seems to be heading in a positive direction. I haven’t felt this way in so long. I walk back into my room and slip out of my dress. It’s already midnight and I predict that Brandon will be awake by two a.m. for his feeding.
I quickly throw on a pajama shirt and get into the cold bed. With my head on the pillow I touch my lips, remembering Ryder’s passionate kiss. It was hot and patient, giving and taking. He tasted so good. I can’t deny what I’m feeling for Ryder. I know it’s more than an attraction. We talk, we share.
I close my eyes as exhaustion overtakes me.
Chapter Seventeen
Ryder
Holy Damn. I feel like my head is spinning. When Halo came down the stairs tonight my dick instantly went hard at the sight of her. The dress wasn’t too revealing, but the way it held those full breasts of hers gave me an instant hard-on. She looked like sin wrapped in red. Everything about her was perfect. From the way she curled her hair to that red lipstick she had on her full lips. I wanted to go up to her and suck her lips and basically devour her. I’m trying to be careful around her. I know she’s in a tough position with being a single mom and I’m a bloody mess myself. I keep on having dreams of my time overseas but it isn’t coming together for me.
I see old friends, their faces, their smiles, their dedication to the team. Knowing they’re gone hurts in the dream. Then I’m pulled back to reality, waking up feeling heavy and losing the connection I felt. I want to feel more than I do. I just don’t connect.
Dr. Wembley says I need to be patient and not push myself. I feel like I need to know more. I’m falling for Halo and I think she may be developing feelings for me. How can she really fall for someone she doesn’t truly know? How can I even like myself when I don’t know who I am? There are so many roadblocks for us. I was hesitant to kiss her tonight knowing that I may not ever be able to give her all of myself. I couldn’t help myself.
Staring into those big round brown eyes of hers tonight in the dark hallway completely undid me. I needed a taste and she was so much sweeter than my wildest dreams.
I take off my clothes down to my boxers and hop into the cold, hard bed. My dick is still so damned hard. It’s crazy that I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve had sex. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation she had with Maggie and Jenny about sex after babies. I acted like I didn’t hear, but I heard every word. I guess my hearing is still good after all the gunfire I experienced. I heard the ladies saying that sex was scary after giving birth and it was good to know. I also heard Halo say she was nowhere close to being ready. I figured kissing was okay, though. I also heard the ladies suggest I could help Halo out in the sex department. That comment kind of got to me because I’ve been picturing having sex with Halo every night since we watched our first movie together.
I may have amnesia, but I’m not stupid. I know how to be a gentleman despite the fact that I wanted to pin her against the wall in the hallway and fuck her brains out. I pictured her coming undone and whipping that auburn hair around as she screamed out my name. Jesus. I have to stop these thoughts. Or not…
I begin to rub my dick as thoughts of Halo continue to flow through my mind. I picture my hands unzipping that hot red dress and then running over her behind and in between her legs as she presses herself into me. It doesn’t take long before I’m coming hard and fast. I hope it won’t be too long before my fantasies play out where she’s concerned. I heard the ladies say that six weeks was a safe amount of time and that’s only a week away. I know I shouldn’t want this considering my life is a wrecking ball but I want to make Halo Pearson fall in love with me.
Chapter Eighteen
Three weeks later
Halo
“Hey, baby. We have to go meet Mrs. Ritter soon. Mama has to go back to work this week.” I sigh as I watch my little boy look up at the toys hanging from the mobile over the bassinet.
He’s the most handsome baby I’ve ever seen with his dark blue eyes and little button nose. My heart clenches. “I know she’s going to take really good care of you,” I try to convince the both of us as a hiccup of sadness makes an escape.
There’s a light knock on door to the garage.
“Come in,” I lift my eyes and call out. Ryder walks in with his hair wet and slicked back wearing a white T-shirt and a worn pair of jeans. I stopped locking that door because it just didn’t feel right to lock him out at this point. He always knocks anyway before entering.
“How are my two favorite people doing?” he asks as his lips tug up at the corners. His mood seems light this morning.
“We’re good. Only I’m not sure if we can be your favorite since we are the only two people you know.” I grin.
He laughs loudly. “I’m good with that, but you guys are still my favorite.” He leans in for a small kiss. We’ve been doing this, the small kisses, even the bigger kisses, ever since the night I had my friends over. It’s hard not to kiss him. After Brandon goes to bed the kisses grow passionate but they always trail off and we always pull apart. He doesn’t bring up the relationship talk, but we both have pasts that need to be dealt with before we figure out what’s happening between us.
“I need to take Brandon to meet Mrs. Ritter today,” I say with another hiccup. I lift my finger to my nose as if it will stop the impending tears. Ryder sits beside me on the couch and places an arm around my shoulder. He smells like fresh soap. Man soap. I don’t want to cry in front of Brandon. I’ve been holding off all week knowing I have to go into work Monday. With Ryder being so close and with his shoulder mere inches from my face, something inside me snaps and the tears I’ve been trying so hard to hold at bay burst out of me as I clutch onto his shirt.
He’s come to know me well. We spend most days together when he’s not going off to the hospital for therapy. I think he realizes I’m on a post-partum hormonal/emotional roller coaster. The tears continue to fall hard and suddenly I feel like I am crying for so many things. For Thomas leaving, for going through the pregnancy on my own. I hated those cold winter days when the snow reached my front door and I needed help shoveling and there was no one there. Maggie’s husband Joshua helped when he could but those mornings when he couldn’t were brutal. The stairs were slippery and I always feared falling. I’m crying because I had to give birth to my son with his father not present. I’m crying because I’m raising my son without his father. I’m crying because I have to let a caregiver take care of my infant son because I have to work full time and lastly I’m crying because I’m thanking the angels above for sending me Ryder when I needed him most.
“I’m sorry,” I say with a shrill and cracking voice.
“Are you kidding me? He’s not even my kid and I’m having a hard time with the fact that he won’t be here during the day. I can’t imagine what you are going through.” He rubs my back. And there it is. Right there. Ryder knows exactly what to say and saying that he is going to have a hard time not having Brandon around completely undoes me and makes me like him even more. I know my crush on this man is turning into something deeper, but…there is always the “but” of the past.
“Thank you,” I murmur and pull my head back, swiping the tears away from my eyes.
“For what?” he asks with a confused tone.
“I don’t know. For being here with us,” I repl
y.
“Halo, I love being here. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” he replies with such assurance in his tone that I want to believe him. And if he had his memory and remembered his family and still wanted to be here? Well, then it would settle me more.
I smile at him because it’s not the time to bring these issues to his attention. “We need to head over to Mrs. Ritter’s now,” I say, placing a kiss on his cheek. It’s smooth—he must have just shaven. I swipe the tears from my eyes again and Ryder brushes his thumb along my cheek, helping me wipe them away.
“Let me take you guys,” he offers and my stomach sinks. I know this won’t be enough for him in the long run, chauffeuring Brandon and I around.
“You really don’t have to.” I sulk and my insides burn.
“What is it?” he asks, reading me so well.
I know this is not the time but with all the emotions of going back to work getting the best of me I need to say something. I need to know. “I’m worried. I mean, we both like having you around and all…but…you driving us around and just hanging out—that won’t, uh…” I’m almost embarrassed to say the next words because maybe Ryder isn’t thinking long term like I am.
“Say it.”
“Well, I’m worried that we won’t be enough for you in the long run. You have your whole life to live. Don’t you ever think about what you want to do?” I immediately regret the question. He almost died. He is still suffering from amnesia. He’s still trying to figure his life out. I understand. But Brandon and I are getting very attached to him and maybe my protective instincts are calling the shots. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to push, but something’s happening here…” I motion with my hand back and forth between us. I begin to worry I’ve allowed my insecurities to get the best of me and I turn my head away, lacing my fingers together, unsure and worried about his response.
“Halo, I get it. Don’t feel bad. Do you think I haven’t spent my nights awake thinking of what’s happening here? Because I have. Every damn night. I love being around the two of you. In my dreams I see and do things I’m not proud of. And if my dreams are actually my memories? It burns a hole through me when I think of it. But then there’s you and Brandon. When I’m with you I feel better. You both brighten my day. I like spending time here and helping, having our talks….” He runs a hand through his hair and stands up from the couch. He’s tall and so handsome. “I know I’m missing pieces of myself. I know I have an ex-wife and pieces of a former life somewhere out there. And, when I say the words, you’ll want them coming from a man who is whole. A man who knows who he is and what he wants. I’m trying to get there. I’m meeting with Dr. Wembley often. He said I need to build myself a life. That’s what I’m trying to do now, but it isn’t easy.” He looks down at me with pain in his blue eyes.
Halo Page 17