“Ryder, of course it’s okay. It was your truck. You began to work on it years ago but with all the deployments, training and other missions it was left on the back burner. It’s all yours.”
A boyish grin erupts on his face. It’s a familiar smile in some ways but in others…not so much. And the thought makes me sad. The face I loved so dearly—those beautiful features that I had fallen in love with—I would never see again. The war scarred him beyond recognition internally but externally too.
Yet I also feel so blessed. Our relationship has evolved into something better. My man is getting help. He seems more whole, content. The journey he took was difficult and dangerous but it also brought him home and forced him to face his demons.
My eyes linger on his face too long and I feel his uneasiness grow. “You are still beautiful. Still so handsome.” I caress his face and he closes his eyes. “Thank you, Ryder.” I place a kiss on his lips, wondering if I will ever be able to call him Thomas again. It makes my heart ache a little. “I better go in to Brandon. He needs to sleep.”
“Yeah…sure.” His reply is a little withdrawn. “I saw the weather is warming up this weekend. Maybe we can take Brandon to the lake for a picnic,” he suggests, and I sense he’s feeling sad too.
“That’s sounds perfect.” I smile and go inside to find Brandon.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ryder
June 2008 (about one month later)
I’m a fucking coward. I have the mother of my child lying in my arms every night and yet I don’t make love to her. I watch the need growing in her eyes. I haven’t touched her, though, not since the night I made her climax two months ago.
Back then I was just Ryder and she was a beautiful woman I had the serious hots for. Now I’ve learned that she was the love of my life, the mother of my son, and I ran out on her. She had to give birth to him on her own. Shit! When I think of the way she fell down in the hospital because she was so panicked about getting to Brandon my heart hurts.
She’s such a good mother, a good person. How could I have left her? I’ve been talking to Dr. Wembley extensively and I’ve been talking to Bob, the Vet from Nam who works as a therapist with Dr. Wembley. They are both of the mindset that I should read the reports from Afghanistan in the hopes that they’ll jog my memory.
Even if it fails they are of the impression that I can lead a happy life as Ryder St. John. A man who loves his girlfriend, his son, I even love my job.
The doctors see my life as balanced. For me, it’s become a struggle. Knowing that Halo and I share a past and not being able to remember all the things—big and small—that we went through together feels deeply wrong. She doesn’t deserve the pain of not living with a man who’s whole, who is one hundred percent there for her. Not after what I put her through.
I’m trying to follow Bob’s advice. It hasn’t been easy. As Ryder I got a life. It consisted of Halo and Brandon. I went to work and cared for the two people who meant the most to me. Then the truth came along. I thought I read somewhere that the truth would set me free but it has only increased my burdens. Halo remembers a rich past with me filled with good and bad times and I remember nothing. I don’t feel whole now because of it. I hate not remembering my team. The dedicated men who died were apparently like my brothers. None of it sits well with me.
Halo turns in her sleep and I continue to stare up at the ceiling. I don’t sleep well, so I’ve taken the night shift with Brandon so Halo can sleep.
I hear Brandon crying and I head over to his room. We have a rocking chair set up in there now and Halo always leaves a bottle, thermos and formula ready for me to fix in the middle of the night since she stopped breastfeeding a couple weeks ago.
She’s paid her dues with caring for him and I wanted to make up for the time I’ve lost. As I hold my son in my arms and he drinks his bottle I know what I have to do. I have to give him a family. I need to give Halo the family I probably promised her and never followed through on. That means I need to face my demons and move on. Even if my memory never comes back she’s still it for me. I want to marry her. I want Brandon to have siblings. It’s the one thing that waking up alone and not knowing who I was in the hospital taught me. You can’t be alone in this life. You need family. Even if they aren’t your blood relatives, you need friends and you need a good woman to love and who loves you back. If I’m going to be a good role model for my son, I have to do right by his mother.
Brandon finishes his bottle and I place him back gently in his crib. He turns on his side and his bottom lip jets out a bit. He looks content and my heart explodes. I never thought I could feel this way about another human.
I head back to bed and Halo stirs a bit. “Everything okay?” she murmurs, half asleep.
“It’s all good,” I answer back.
What I want to really say is that all will be okay.
We’re gonna be okay, Halo. We’ll be okay because when I go see Dr. Wembley next week I’ll finally discuss my last mission with him. I’ll get details on the ambush that took out my team. I’ll do anything he suggests—hypnosis, group therapy, medication. I’ll do anything at this point for you, Halo, because I want to see you smile.
Feeling restless, I get out of bed slowly and head up to the attic. Halo mentioned that she stored a bunch of my old things up there and Dr. Wembley said it wouldn’t hurt to look at some old pictures or any special trinkets that may have meant something to me.
The attic has a low ceiling. I make my way to a bunch of cardboard boxes and begin to sift through them. There’s a nice layer of dust on everything I touch. I see pictures of a young Halo and Thomas together. I will my mind to feel some connection. Nothing happens. The man in this picture doesn’t resemble me one bit. I knew this already. I’m frustrated because this feels like a lost cause. My hands brush over some trophies. Nothing.
I leave the attic, hoping that Dr. Wembley will work some magic another way. He said hypnosis may work but can be risky because it can flood my mind with all the bad at once. I need to do something drastic, though. I’ve been given a second chance to live. I have my soul mate back and I will do everything in my power to prove to her that I will never abandon her again.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Two Weeks later (middle of June)
Halo
It’s a Friday afternoon and I take Brandon to the supermarket to buy some groceries before the weekend. I’m really looking forward to the summer and chilling with Ryder and Brandon. Going back to work for two months before the break was pretty exhausting and I didn’t have quite enough time to adjust to a work-home-mom schedule.
I crank up the AC in the car as I head down the city streets. Brandon is tired and he cries a bit in the back seat, so I sing him a lullaby in the hopes he’ll fall asleep. It’s a Friday afternoon which means heavy traffic. The car is new so it cools down fast. A car cuts me off and another one honks at me. People must be losing it with this heat. I let out a long sigh. We make it to the supermarket and I shop like a madwoman, trying to grab everything I need before Brandon wakes up.
When we get home I pull up to the driveway and notice Ryder’s truck—he’s home early. The paint job on the truck looks amazing—black with fiery red stripes. Even better, he’s been working hard on the engine so it’s safer and quieter to drive.
We go inside and I’m hit with stale, still air. I immediately turn on the ceiling fans to get the air circulating. The AC must be on the fritz again.
“Ryder?” I call out as I head into the kitchen. I take Brandon out of his carrier and his back is wet with sweat. “Sorry buddy, let’s go see what’s going on in here.”
“Ryder!” I call out again when I notice the sliding door in the kitchen is open. Brandon kicks and coos as I carry him out to the backyard. The large, old trees back here provide a nice amount of shade. I round the corner of the house and find Ryder shirtless and drenched in sweat as he tries to fix the AC. It’s a sight to see—his broad chest and sculpted arms ha
rd at work with sweat trickling down his tanned skin. “Ryder,” I call out and he turns his head and stands up, wiping his hands on his jeans.
“Hey, how are my two favorite people?” He leans in and gives me a kiss on the lips and Brandon a kiss on the forehead. We sleep together every night and we kiss but I don’t get to see him bare-chested too often. He sleeps in a T-shirt and boxers and he usually covers up fast after a shower. I know why he does it. He knows I’m drooling over him and very much in need of sex. I know he is too but he’s convinced we can’t be fully intimate until he’s worked out more issues with his past.
I know he’s been working with his therapist and doctor to try to recall what happened in Afghanistan on the day of the ambush. I also know it’s been slow going and that he’s been frustrated by his progress. During the hypnosis he was flooded with so many emotions the psychiatrist thought it best to wake him. A part of me has come to terms with the fact that he may never get his memory back. I love Ryder St. John as much as I loved Thomas. Ryder may not share a past with me, but he behaves like Thomas, loves like Thomas and worries like Thomas did. I haven’t actually voiced those words yet.
We may not have a past to share but we have a future we can create. I wish we could move forward already. As beautiful as Ryder is both on the inside and outside, the scars he wears on his body are a painful reminder of the things he experienced as Thomas. Terrible things that speak of the cruelty of humankind, the traumatic things that make a person completely shut down.
“We’re good, Ryder. What’s going on with the AC?” I ask.
He scratches the back of his head and scrunches up his face. Bad news. “The AC is dead. I think it must be thirty years old. I’m not even sure how it’s lasted this long.” He chuckles hesitantly.
I huff out a laugh. “Ryder, everything in this house is old and yet it still persists. Some of the appliances are on their last legs too.”
“I can call a guy and get a new air conditioner installed but we likely won’t be able to schedule anyone until next week. How about we take Brandon over to the lake and hang out there until the sun goes down? Then maybe we can head downtown and get a hotel room for the night.” He gives me a sidelong glance and I’m pretty sure I detect heat in his gaze. “You guys won’t get any sleep in the house tonight. You must be tired from the whole week. I know I need to sit back and chill out.” He looks at Brandon and his expression becomes both loving and weary.
“Sure, that’s a good idea. I’ll pack some things to take to the lake. I bet the water is still freezing, but honestly I’d jump in right now.”
Ryder laughs. “Okay, you two go ahead. I’ll see what I can find out about getting an inexpensive AC. Maybe Dave will have some advice.” He pulls his phone out of his back pocket.
I put Brandon safely in his play gym in the living room beside Charlie since she mostly acts like his protector now and run upstairs to consider my options for a swimsuit. I’m not back to my pre-pregnancy weight yet, but I figure that between my C-section incision, my stretch marks and my large breasts, I’ll never be back to the way I was anyway. I had a baby and I’ll wear my stripes proudly. And hopefully one day I’ll have more babies with Ryder. I put on a white sundress over the black bikini I selected and quickly gather some supplies for the three of us to spend the night away from home. I make my way downstairs quickly because the upstairs really is too hot. As I’m picking up Brandon, I hear Ryder come back into the house.
“You ready to go?” Ryder asks. He’s still shirtless. I want to lick my lips when I feel extra saliva forming in my mouth.
“Yup, all ready.” I gulp and take a deep breath. We all get in the SUV, including Charlie. Ryder cranks the AC and we head to the lake.
Ryder seems tense behind the wheel and I ask, “What’s going on?” It’s like he’s keeping something from me or scared to say something.
“Nothing.” He shrugs. “I called Dave for a recommendation for an HVAC guy. I found someone who can get started on the job tomorrow.”
“And?”
He gives me a sidelong glance before focusing on the road again. “I asked Jenny if Brandon and Charlie could spend the night with them. I thought we could go to the hotel alone.” His cheeks flush.
At the words “hotel” and “alone” butterflies flutter in my belly and warmth runs down my chest, landing between my thighs.
Ryder taps nervously on the steering wheel. “I know you don’t like to be away from Brandon. But I figured Jenny would take good care of him and…”
“Ryder, it’s okay, relax.” I grin. “I like that idea.”
“You do?” he asks, obviously still unsure.
“Yeah.” I stretch out my hand and caress his shoulder.
“Maybe we should take Brandon and Charlie over to Jenny’s now,” he suggests. “And then you and I can head to the lake alone. It’s probably too hot for Brandon there anyway. There was a warning on the radio before about kids and heat stroke.”
“Yeah, you know I didn’t think about that. Yikes…I still have a lot to learn about dealing with babies in the summer. I did bring enough formula and baby food jars… Sure, let’s drop him off.” I feel a little strange about dropping Brandon off for a night. We’ve never been separated before, but I know he’ll be perfectly fine and happy with Jenny and her kids.
***
After too many kisses and a few tears at Jenny’s, we’re driving over to the lake. “Do you still want that swim?” Ryder asks, looking heated. I know what he has on his mind and it makes me happy that he’s finally willing to take the next step with me. But it makes me nervous too. He’s waited so long and this will technically be his first time with me.
“I do,” I answer shyly. I know it’s probably a good thing to talk before we move forward. I need to know what Ryder is thinking so I can understand his sudden change of feelings on the sex issue. The lake is the perfect place for talking. It was our place back in the day.
We park in the crowded lot near the lake and Ryder retrieves the tote with our supplies from the trunk
“Are you going to swim in jeans? I brought you a pair of shorts. I couldn’t find a bathing suit.”
“Yeah, I guess I never did pick up a bathing suit. Shorts are good. I’ll just change here.” He steps between our SUV and the neighboring car—the space is relatively shielded from the park and the street—and quickly unbuttons his jeans. I can’t help but stare, especially at the bulge in his boxer briefs. My heart thuds and my blood heats. I know what Thomas could do to my body and I miss it. He slips on the shorts and we make our way across the grass toward a tree close to shore. I spread the towel and remove my sundress. Ryder watches me the whole time, his dark blue eyes a burning inferno.
“Fuck, you are hot,” he bites out. We take a seat next to each other on the towel. I can’t help but smile. This is our place. We have such good memories here. “What are you thinking?” he asks.
“I love it here, that’s all.” I don’t want to bring up my time with Thomas because I know it’s hard for him not to remember. “So what’s with the change of heart?” I ask and he knows I’m talking about the hotel and what’s going to happen there.
“I’ve been trying everything to remember. I know the facts of the ambush, but they are only facts to me now. Last week I went up to the attic and saw all our old stuff up there. Photos of me and you. Water polo trophies, some of my old clothes… And I know you want Thomas back. I wanted to give him back to you, but it isn’t working for me. I need to know that if I never get my memory back that you will be happy with me as Ryder and what I have to offer today.”
“Ryder,” I answer breathlessly, running my palm along his stubbly jawline. I’ve come to like it when he doesn’t shave. “Yes! Of course I’ll be happy with you as Ryder. I’ve come to accept the fact that my memories are just that—mine. I’m okay with it. I love the person that you are today.” I hope I’m providing him with reassurance. I haven’t directly said “I love you” and I wonder if it b
others him. He hasn’t said anything. I’m waiting for that moment when I will feel completely secure. He may get his memory back one day and I need to be sure for the sake of my heart that he won’t run. I know it’s a little selfish considering how dedicated he’s been, but after I’ve been burnt this is me protecting myself.
He closes his eyes and leans forward to kiss me. I kiss him back, thinking it will be a closed-mouth kiss, but his mouth lingers longer than expected and the kiss turns hot and heavy as his palm cups the back of my head, drawing me even closer to him. My body is on fire from the heat outside but also from the kiss. It’s our chemistry—the way we are together.
I’ve kissed two men in my life. And they happen to be the same person. I can’t imagine another man causing this type of heat to boil beneath my skin. We pull away, staring meaningfully into each other’s eyes. It’s late afternoon and the lake is filled with families and teenagers trying to cool down.
“Should we swim?” I ask with a hoarse voice.
“You think you can handle the cold water?” he asks, gazing into my eyes almost as if it’s a challenge. I want to laugh because he once knew very well that I’m always the first one in the water at the lake, hot or cold. I love swimming. I’m in my element in the water not only because of my water polo days but because I find the water relaxing.
I grin up at him and then quickly scramble to my feet and run toward the lake. The sand on the beach burns my feet and I can’t wait for the relief of cool water. The first wave hits and I splash my way into deeper water, smiling and carefree. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this light, this happy. When the water hits knee level, I dive into the coolness and the water envelops my whole body, cooling me down and setting me free. I rise a few feet away, feeling the warm sun beating down on my face.
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