by Eric Vall
“I don’t know how much longer this radio will be in commission,” the Archangel sighed, “several of the Archangels want it completely destroyed, while others think we should use it to continue to spy on you. One thing is for sure, though. If you receive any further communications through this channel, it will not be with noble intentions.”
“Thanks for the heads-up, Raph,” I retorted. “Seriously, I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”
“Life would be much more boring, that’s for sure,” he joked, “but I must go now. Metatron will surely realize I haven’t been in the restroom for all this time.”
“Is that what you told him?” I chuckled.
“Indeed,” the Archangel responded, “I told him our steak must have been undercooked, because I was starting to feel somewhat ill. Then I excused myself and came in here. But the joke was on him. We’re in Heaven! They don’t undercook steaks up here.”
“Coulda fooled me.” I grinned.
“Farewell for now, my friend,” Raphael signed off, “the next time I speak with you, it will hopefully be in your new domain.”
“That would be great,” I admitted. “Godspeed, Raphael. Black Knight, over and out.”
“Over and out,” Raph’s voice repeated, and then the line went silent.
I sat back in my chair as I mulled over our conversation. Like almost everything that came along with the Divine, there was some good news, and some bad news.
If the Exalted One and Metatron were truly abandoning me, things were going to get much more difficult. Especially if I ever decided to show my face on Earth Realm again.
One the other hand, having that forbidden spell would make life a million times easier once we decided to go after Lucifer himself. Fuck, between the Shadow World and the spells from the Book of Bezaleel, I might even have enough power right now to march right into my father’s domain and kick his ass.
But I couldn’t get ahead of myself. Beelzebub came first. Then I could worry about everyone else.
As I pondered my predicament, there was a sudden pounding at the door, and then Gula stuck her head in.
“Jacob?” she called out meekly. “Our guests have arrived.”
I gave the redhead a slow nod before I stood up out of my chair and headed toward the door.
This was it. In a few minutes, my allies and I would be discussing our final battle strategy to bring down my mortal enemy once and for all.
Chapter 14
I was about fifty feet down the hallway when I heard the voices of my allies roaring from the War Room, and even all the way out here, I could tell who was in the room.
Asmodeus’ voice, smooth as butter, seemed to be arguing with the nasally, mouth-breathing voice of Mammon. Meanwhile, I distinctly heard the sound of Lilith’s silvery, beautiful tongue as it discussed matters with the wise voice of Ziminiar.
When Gula and I finally entered the room, I saw everyone was there.
Mammon’s obese, pale yellow figure was the first one to catch my eye. As per usual, the King of the Second Circle was completely naked, save for the loincloth tied around his bulky waist. This time, however, it looked like the demon was battle ready. The loincloth that covered his lower body appeared to be made out of a thick swatch of leather and then covered by a brass codpiece that screamed overcompensation.
Right next to him stood King Asmodeus, who was also dressed to fight. The Master of Love was decked out in a dark red suit of armor that clashed horrifically with his swampy green skin. Every single plate of the armor appeared to be bedazzled with miniature diamonds that shimmered under the light, and it was all topped off by a large purple feather plume that stuck out of his red beret.
Immediately next to the two Demon Kings were my Demon Lords, followed by Daniel and then Eligor. The ever-silent Mephisto floated up in the air next to them, with his eyes closed and his legs crossed as he sat deep in meditation.
Rounding out the large group of generals was Lilith in her golden armor and Ziminiar, the ungulate-faced Scholar of Hell.
“Damn,” I whistled as I walked up and took my place at the table, “I feel like I just walked into the Council of Elrond.”
“Hey now, bro,” Todd warned, “Lord of the Rings jokes are totally my thing, kapeesh?”
I shook my head as I rolled my eyes and gave the imp a once over.
“Where’s your armor, bro?” I asked curiously. “I think you’re the only one here who’s naked.”
“Not true,” the imp stuck out his tongue and crossed his arms, “The Great Pumpkin over there is half naked. And Mr. Tumnus is still doin’ his best John Belushi impression.”
The imp had a point. Ziminiar wasn’t wearing armor whatsoever, just his usual toga. Meanwhile, Mephisto was clad in nothing but his baggy, tattered brown trousers.
“If the battle gets all the way down to me,” Ziminiar chuckled, “we have much bigger issues afoot.”
I do not require armor, Mephisto interjected without opening his eyes, if I am foolish enough to find myself in the way of a sword or axe or stray fireball, I deserve what I get.
“That’s hardcore, bro,” Todd mused, “I gotta ask, does it hurt your feet walking on the razor’s edge like that?”
One of Mephisto’s eyes opened and glanced over at the imp unpleasantly.
You’re mocking me, aren’t you? he grumbled.
“No, noooo,” Todd stifled a giggle, “just promise me that when you get surrounded by enemies, you’ll say ‘Master, forgive me … but I’ll have to go all out, just this once.’”
Mephisto’s other eye popped open, and he shot Todd the most confused look I’d ever seen him give. Finally, the orange Demon King shook his head and went back to meditating.
“What’s the word, King Ralston?” Daniel spoke up. “What did Raphael need to speak with you about so urgently?”
“Raphael?” Mammon squawked. “You were speaking to the Archangel?”
“Ugh, that guy is such a party pooper,” Asmodeus sighed. “I used to try to get him to come to my annual Cuckfest Party, but he always told me, and I quote, ‘he had no interest in dealing with chickens.’”
Todd bit his lip and tried to hold back a laugh, but it was no use. The cackle burst from his mouth like water through a broken hose, and the imp laid his head down on the tabletop and slammed his fist onto the surface while he guffawed.
“It’s no secret Jacob is in cahoots with the Divine,” Lilith shrugged, “he is a Nephilim, after all. A being that can harness the powers of both Heaven and Hell.”
“He--He doesn’t want to deal with chickens!” Todd continued to laugh heartily.
“I knew that,” Mammon protested, “and I really don’t give a shit. As long as I don’t have to deal with that stuck-up, pansy ass--”
“Cuckadoodle-doo!” the imp interjected through gasps.
“Are you done?” the fat, yellow Demon King demanded.
“I-I-I think so … ” Todd sniffled as he wiped away a tear. “Actually, nope. Nope. I’m not. He--He fucking thought ‘Cuckfest’ was about chickens, bro. Like, did he think you were fucking Colonel Sanders?”
“Alright, Todd,” I sighed, “we get it.”
“Fine, fine … ” the imp snickered, “I was about to pass out from laughing anyways.”
“Thanks,” I nodded, and then I turned back to Daniel, “but first … Is this room secure?”
“We said the enchantment before you walked in,” Cupiditas promised.
“Good,” I noted. “On your subject, Mammon, it doesn’t look like any of us are going to be dealing with the Divine anytime soon. Raphael told me that the truth about my heritage is going around, and most of the angels aren’t too happy about it. So, the Exalted One and Metatron have publicly abandoned me for the moment.”
“Sounds just like them,” Asmodeus chuckled, “Metatron is an even bigger buzzkill than Raphael. And he’ll do anything to gain the favor of his little master. It’s like he’s a fucking sub, and the Exalted One
is the dom.”
“That’s an interesting image,” Lilith admitted, “I’m kinda digging it, though.”
“Right?” Ira giggled.
“So, does this mean we can’t expect any Divine Intervention against Beelzebub?” Eligor spoke up.
“Unfortunately not,” I shook my head, “Raphael said he’s trying to gather up angels who are sympathetic to our cause, but there’s no way they’re coming down here. Not without the permission of the Exalted One.”
“Angels?” Ziminiar asked with a scoff. “Here in Hell? Do you want to get yourself eradicated off the face of the universe? Because that is the one thing Lucifer will not tolerate. Son or not, if he catches you bringing the minions of the Exalted One down here, he’ll have your head on a spike faster than you can blink.”
“Who’s side are you on here, Ziminiar?” Cupi asked as her eyes narrowed at the Demon King.
“King Ralston’s, of course,” the scholar shot back, “which is why I am warning him not to make such a foolish, fatal mistake. The Prince of Darkness may like to toy with his prey, but he makes no exceptions when it comes to the Divine. That’s a fact.”
“That’s why we wanted to keep you around,” I smiled at the goat-faced demon, “every good King needs a wise sage like you to keep his aspirations in check.”
“I do what I can,” the King of the Sixth Circle admitted with a shrug.
“So, the Divine have turned their backs on Jacob,” Lilith interjected, “how does that affect our battle strategy?”
“Not a ton,” I explained, “I was hoping we might have some Divine warriors on our side to help turn the tide, but it looks like that’s not gonna work on multiple fronts. So instead, we stick with Plan A.”
What would that be, King Ralston? Mephisto questioned.
“Well, as many of you may or may not know,” I began, “a few of my Demon Lords and I just got back from a brief excursion into the Shadow World.”
Mammon, Asmodeus, and Ziminiar all exchanged looks of concern when they heard my words.
“T-T-The Shadow World?” Mammon stammered. “How were you able to get outta the Shadow World alive?”
“I’ve seen Lucifer banish people to the Shadow World before,” Ziminiar reminisced with a shudder. “When they came out the other side, their bodies were horrifically mangled, as if they were torn apart by a thousand sets of jagged teeth.”
“They probably were,” I admitted with a shrug, which only made the Demon Kings look even more worried, “but there’s no need to worry about that now. Because the Shadow World is our ticket to defeating Beelzebub.”
“Are you insane?” Mammon protested as he slammed his ham-sized fist on the table. “You want us to risk our lives by goin’ through that place? I’ll admit, King Ralston, I agreed with your ideas up until now, but this is pure insanity.”
“Not when you’re the Savior of the Shadow People,” I shot back with a raised eyebrow. “The Caliginis worship me as if I am a deity, and the Shadow Queen has given me her word that our armies can pass uninterrupted through their domain. Now, would you like to doubt me some more? The door’s right there. Try not to get stuck in it on your way out.”
“Ohhhhhhh!” Todd mocked. “Take a seat, young Skywalker.”
Mammon’s eyes went wide and then darted around the room. Sweat began to bead on his brow as the humiliation sunk in, and then he grumbled to himself as he sat back down on the extra wide, reinforced stool beneath him.
“So, then we’re moving our forces through the Shadow World?” Lilith questioned. “Won’t it be difficult to guide an entire army through a place we don’t even know?”
I rubbed my chin as I thought about the Demon Queen’s question. She had a point. We could move through the part of the Shadow World that mirrored our universe, but trying to search for an entry point into the Eighth Circle with an army of hundreds at our back wasn’t exactly an ideal task.
“If I may, King Ralston?” Mirage spoke up and raised her hand. “Do we all have to travel there together? It was my understanding that your powers allowed you to transport people to the Shadow World at will.”
“That’s the thing,” I admitted, “when I teleport to the Shadow World, we appear in the exact location we left, only in the mirror universe. When I teleport back, the same rules apply as when I use green Hellfire … I can only teleport us to places I’ve been to personally.”
“Then we need to get you into the Eighth Circle personally,” Deja suggested. “I used to live in that terrible, terrible place, remember? I could act as your guide.”
“That just might work,” I nodded, “but what about Abaddon? He knows we’re going to be making our final assault on Beelzebub fairly soon here, but I don’t want to risk taking my entire army through the Seventh Circle. At the same time … I don’t want to let Abbadon know there’s nobody guarding my domain. That might be a disaster waiting to happen.”
“Then I’ll act as a distraction,” Lilith offered, “I’ve been to the Eighth Circle many times. I can lead a small force of our allies through the Seventh Circle and then tell Abaddon we are the invading force.”
“Won’t he think it’s weird I’m not there with you?” I asked. “I feel like that would be a dead giveaway it’s a trick.”
“That’s what I’m here for,” Mirage stated as she flicked her bobbed hair cockily. “I’ll go along with Lilith and use my powers to create the spitting image of you.”
“You sure he’ll buy that?” I questioned.
Mirage clicked her tongue and shook her head.
“Ye of little faith, my King,” she sighed and then summoned green mist into her hand.
The mist spread from her palm, traveled down her body, and dispersed into a cloud on the floor. Then, right before our eyes, the mist shaped itself into a human figure. It was a tall, muscular man with sandy brown hair and dark green eyes. He was wearing a suit of armor with a dagger, sword, and what seemed to be a random ball of metal all attached to himself.
It was me.
“Two Jacobs?” Cupi joked. “Now there’s enough for all of us at the same time!”
“Does that mean I can finally have him--” Ira began, but then a tiny, red, clawed hand slapped against her mouth.
“Whatever you’re gonna say there, Crazy Eyes,” Todd warned, “don’t. Just don’t.”
“I’m impressed,” I admitted.
“I’m impressed,” the illusion of me repeated back in my voice, with the very same tone I’d just used.
“And if you think it’s still not convincing enough, watch,” Mirage explained before she snapped her glowing fingers.
Green mist rose from behind my doppelganger’s head and then engulfed it in its emerald embrace. As it did so, a helmet appeared on my clone and completely covered his face. Finally, Mirage snapped her fingers again, and the entire figure disappeared into a flash of green fog.
“That just might work.” I nodded.
“Alright, so then we have two teams,” Eligor tried to make sense of the situation, “one that’s going through the Shadow World to the Eighth Circle, and one that’s a decoy?”
“Three teams,” Cupiditas corrected the knight, “we will need a few of our generals to hang back with the bulk of our forces while they wait in the Shadow World.”
“I’ll gladly volunteer for that one!” Tris exclaimed as she lifted her hand into the air excitedly, “I’ll totally stay behind and wait while everybody else goes off and does the heavy lifting.”
“Sounds about right,” I chuckled, “but that’s fine. Tris, you’ll be a part of team three. The team led by Invidia.”
The gothic succubus nearly fell backward when she heard what I’d said.
“M-Me?” Vidia’s eyes widened as she pointed to herself. “Why me? I can’t lead a team … I fucking hate people!”
“But you love the Shadow World,” I reminded her. “If anything were to go wrong while we were away, you’re the only one I’d trust to navigate that place without
me.”
Vidia bit her lip fearfully and then crossed her arms across her busty chest.
“I’m not a leader,” she sighed, “I’d sooner stand up and do a solo at Warped Tour than lead a freaking strike team … ”
“Damn,” Todd whistled, “embarrassing yourself in front of Taking Back Sunday? Elvira really must mean it, Jakey!”
“Come on, Sister,” Libidine joked as she smacked Vidia on the arm, “do it for our king.”
“Now, Invidia,” Superbia reminded her succubus, “you once told me you’d do anything to make Jacob happy. Is that not true?”
“Yes, it’s true,” the gothic woman grumbled. “I suppose … if it’s what you really want … I’ll lead the third team. Just don’t make me do any, like, inspirational speeches or anything like that.”
“Done.” I nodded. “So, Vidia will watch over the third team. Who else wants to join her and Tris?”
“Count me in.” Mammon sheepishly raised his hand.
“Me, as well,” Ziminiar added. “As much as I’d love to assist you, King Ralston, I’m more of a scholar than I’ve ever been a fighter. I’d only get in the way if I went with either of the other teams.”
“I’ve seen you in action, so I don’t believe that one bit,” I retorted, “but, if that’s what you want, so be it. Actually, I have an ancient holy text that I wanted to see if you could translate, anyway.”
“With honor, King Ralston,” Ziminiar said with a bow.
“Can I stay in the Shadow World, as well?” Ira asked. “I really wanted to stop by that dealer in Umbra and pick up some more Darkfisk. I’m plum out of all the toxins we got the first time!”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, Crazy Eyes,” Todd offered with a raised finger, “but didn’t we get back just like, an hour ago?”
“Yes … ” Ira trailed off.
“And you’re outta Darkfisk already?” the imp continued in disbelief.
“Todd, you know me,” the dark-haired succubus chuckled, “when I go all in, I go alllll in. I was using four spines at a time.”
“But you had, like, fifty of ‘em!” Todd gasped.