“Vanessa . . .”
“Go, Jake.” Vanessa placed her hands over her face and shook her head.
“No. Not yet.” Jake gazed at her.
“Jake, please. Don’t make it worse. Just go.” She began to sob.
“Not before I tell you something… please don’t cry.” Jake wanted to reach out and comfort her, but he didn’t dare.
“Fine. Tell me.” She whispered.
Jake turned and locked the clinic door, telling Apollo to lay down. The dog seemed lethargic still as he dropped to the floor and tried to find a comfortable way to lay his head down with the halo on.
Vanessa sat in one of the chairs. If she was antsy about him locking her in with him, she didn’t appear so, but he felt it necessary to explain anyway.
“I only locked the door to keep people out.”
“I know. It’s past closing time anyway.”
Jake sat beside Vanessa and began to tell her everything. The bouts with PTSD and anxiety that sometimes completely debilitated him. His financial issues. The reason for the fight. He tried to leave nothing out as he explained to her who he was and, in saying it aloud, he realized just how bad it must sound to her. If she was already on the fence about it, there was no doubt she wouldn’t want to take things any further after this. At least he could say he had told her about his past, though.
“That’s a lot, Jake.” She grabbed a tissue from the counter and wiped her nose.
“I know.” He shook his head.
She peered up into his eyes. “What will you do?”
“Do?” Jake wasn’t sure what she was referring to.
“About Kessler. What will you do about… him?”
“What can I do, Vanessa? I work myself stupid on the ranch to turn a profit, to try to make enough money to pay off what I owe him and be done with the whole matter, but it’s just not enough. I can’t get ahead. It takes every penny we bring in to just maintain the day-to-day business and make my payments to him. Sometimes, I come up short, and that’s when he uses me to lean on others. It’s a punishment for not paying up. I either do it, or he hurts me instead. If I’m hurt, it slows the ranch down and just puts me in more dire circumstances.”
“What about the police? Can’t they do something about him?”
“Hell no. The police are just as scared of him as anyone. The way they look at it, if we were stupid enough to take money from a loan shark, we deserve what we get. To interfere would only bring trouble to them and their families. They don’t like what he does, but they look the other way.”
“Unbelievable.”
“Yes, it is. So much for swearing to “protect and serve.”
“So, when will it end?” Vanessa shook her head.
“I don’t know. All I can do is keep paying Kessler as best I can. The prize money for the barrel racing was supposed to help with a portion of it, but that didn’t work out.”
Vanessa nodded in acknowledgment but said nothing. Jake couldn’t read her face other than to say she was saddened by the whole thing. Whether it was for him or what might have been if he wasn’t so incredibly fucked up, he wasn’t sure.
“Well, thank you for telling me all of that. I understand now what you are dealing with.”
“But you don’t want to be involved with me do you?” Jake felt a lump welling up in this throat.
“No, Jake. I’m sorry. It’s too much, and I just have too much of my own baggage already.”
Jake looked away than back at her and said, “I understand.”
“I’m glad. I will try not to be so distant now that I know what you are going through, but I just can’t give you more than that, no matter how much I want to,” Vanessa explained.
“I’ll get out of your hair then. I guess I’ll see you next time we need a vet out at the ranch.” Jake picked up his hat off the counter.
“I’ll be there,” Vanessa replied and forced a smile.
Jake nodded, unable to say anything further. To do so would verge on groveling. He wanted to see her so badly, not as a vet, but as someone he could be intimate with and share his dreams for the future. That wasn’t going to happen, so he had best just let it go. Another dream down the drain.
“I’ll see you then,” he said, reaching for Apollo’s leash and leading him toward the door. He unlocked it and made his way out to the truck. A lesser man would have cried at everything that had transpired to bring him the sadness he currently felt, but he wasn’t that man. He was a soldier. Soldiers don’t cry, he told himself.
****
Jake was sitting on his back porch drinking a beer with Apollo sleeping at his feet when his phone rang later that night. It was a cattle broker looking for new livestock. “I have some new calves that should be ready for sale in the next month or so, but none available at the moment,” Jake explained.
Jake’s father had bred dairy cattle for years, and Jake had kept up the tradition. He kept some of the calves and sold others. The cash from the sale was one of the ways he had been anticipating to get him a little further along the road to finishing up his business with Kessler.
“How many do you have available?”
“I should have six ready to go within a week or so of one another, but like I said, not until next month.”
“I’d like to come out and look at them.”
“Sure. I don’t see the harm in you giving them a once over if you are interested,” Jake said.
It could be good news, or it could be nothing. It wasn’t unusual for someone to call about cattle, but never really show up to purchase them when the time came. Some people got fancy ideas about starting up a dairy farm, but then when it came to the actual doing it, they backed down. Others simply found a better price or didn’t have the money. Usually, he ended up loading the livestock up for the sale barn and selling them at the auction.
“Would in the morning me okay?”
“Yeah. That’s fine. There will be someone around at the dairy barn. Do you need directions to the ranch?”
“No. I know where it is. I will see you in the morning.”
“Can I get a name?”
“Roy will do.”
“Okay, Roy. Talk to you tomorrow,” Jake said.
He ended the call and went to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Apollo followed him, looking painfully unhappy in the halo around his head. Jake looked down at him and pulled a slice of ham from the package he had just pulled from the fridge.
“Here you go, boy. I guess we both got our undercarriages handed to us today, huh?”
Apollo ate the ham and lay on the floor awkwardly.
“I know how you feel, boy,” Jake told him, taking his sandwich and making his way to the living room with another beer and a bag of chips.
He sat in front of the television and ate, munching on the chips until the entire bag was empty. Frowning down into it, he sighed loudly. If he kept this up, he wouldn’t have to worry about Kessler. He could just sit on him and crush him. Returning to the kitchen, he put his plate in the sink and went to brush his teeth. It was early, but he felt tired and had a long day ahead of him tomorrow.
Down deep, he knew he was headed for another episode of depression, and he couldn’t afford to spiral into that again. He had suffered through it for months after his father died, his only saving grace being was Tucker and his will to get the ranch back on its feet as his father would have wanted him to do. He had almost given up that dream at one point. “Maybe it isn’t your dream, but your father’s. You can let it go, Jake. No one will fault you for it,” Tucker had told him back then.
Sometimes, he wished he had listened. Instead, he had turned to Kessler for the money he needed to get it going again. Things had been in a serious state of disrepair. He and Tucker had done their best to keep it up, but with his father’s medical expenses and the time spent on caregiving, things had gotten in a mess.
So, Jake had gone to Kessler, asked for the money he needed to make repairs and pay a few extra hands to help out. Jake had though
t it was short term, and that he would get things back up to par and the money would flow in. When that hadn’t happened, and the payment had come due, Jake didn’t have it. Kessler had acted as if it was nothing telling Jake he knew he was good for it. Instead, Kessler set up payments with a hefty interest, basically doubling the amount Jake owed.
Since then, Jake had struggled to make the payments. If he was late, he had a choice, suffer harm or lean on someone else. When those people had been the dregs of humanity, it hadn’t bothered him to get rough with them, but now things were different. He couldn’t keep hiding the fact that he was giving folks a pass, not really dealing with them as Kessler had intended and he couldn’t keep dividing the ranch’s profits, allowing it to suffer.
Maybe it was time to sell everything and just put this chapter of his life behind him. Perhaps it had been his father’s dream and not his. Still, it had become a way of life for him. He grew up here and didn’t know what he would do if he went somewhere else. He climbed into bed and sank down into the pillows, tossing and turning most of the night. Sleep gave way to dreams he’d rather not have, and he woke up in a cold sweat. Nothing unusual about that, he thought.
A few hours later, he was standing next to a man that he knew only as Roy, supposedly a broker for a rancher who was looking to buy one of the foreclosed properties nearby and restock it. He wasn’t looking to compete as a dairy, which Jake didn’t need. He was interested in breeding only and that wasn’t a big enough portion of Jake’s business to do him any serious harm.
After a tour of the property and a look over the calves, the man agreed to write a check for a down payment on all of them and buy them once they had their papers ready. It was good news. Jake wouldn’t have to worry about getting them to the auction barn and the man was willing to accept the price he negotiated with him, which was enough to pay off most of his debt to Kessler.
Roy explained his plan. “I’ll get the papers drawn up for purchase and give you a call to make the final arrangements. In the meantime, I’ll need you to go ahead and get updated certificates of health on them for the sale.”
“I can do that,” Jake told him. “Thank you so much for stopping by. I’m looking forward to doing business with you.”
They said their goodbyes and the man made his way back to his car, obviously not a rancher himself, but a shrewd businessman, nonetheless. Jake felt like there was just a shred of daylight filtering in on his dark mood. It wasn’t the answer to everything, but it would certainly help. If he was smart with the money, he could take a bit of the pressure off.
He considered that even if he paid a good deal of the balance off with Kessler, he’d still be looking for payments with interest. Instead, he would use some of the money to take care of the needs of the ranch and put enough back to cover his next payment, freeing up some cash for other things. If he could just get a few items in order rather than always operating at a deficit, he would be on level ground.
“Tucker, can you call the vet and ask her to come by one day this week for health certificates on the calves?” he asked as he walked back into the barn.
“Um, yeah, sure,” Tucker told him. “They aren’t ready to go yet, are they?”
“No, but I’ve got a deal in work as long as they show up healthy.”
“Good news,” Tucker said.
There was no doubt in Jake’s mind that Tucker was wondering why he didn’t call himself, but Tucker had never been one to meddle much and wouldn’t ask questions unless Jake brought it up. Jake didn’t see that happening as he hardly wanted to think about calling Vanessa, much less talk about it. Even though they had parted on amicable terms, he just didn’t want to hear her voice right now. It would be hard enough seeing her when she came to check the calves, but he intended to make himself as scarce as possible.
****
A few days later, all Jake’s past ideas about ignoring Vanessa where put out of his mind when he saw her pulling up to the barn. He walked out to meet her and found himself inviting her to eat breakfast with him before she started.
“Do you have time?”
“I can always squeeze in a meal. Where are we going?”
“My kitchen. I’ve been experimenting with food the past few days.”
“Experimenting? Is it too late to change my answer?” Vanessa teased.
“Come on. It’s not that bad. I just had to figure out how to make something other than a sandwich. I’ve gotten pretty good with some things.”
“Well, nothing like living dangerously,” Vanessa said, grinning.
They walked up to the house in silence. It felt a bit awkward, but he was hoping once they got to the kitchen they would be more relaxed.
“So, what is for breakfast then?” she asked.
“Omelets,” he replied. “Pick your poisons.”
Vanessa looked at the chopped vegetables, meats and cheeses he had laid out on his kitchen island as he waved his hand over them as an indication for her to choose. He had put a bit of work into selecting the ingredients. Everything was incredibly fresh. Why he had decided to make breakfast for her, was beyond even him. He had just decided to prepare things and hope she would accept.
“How about a little of everything?” she replied.
“A woman after my own heart. One kitchen sink omelet coming up,” he smiled.
It had been a while since he had asked anyone in for breakfast, woman or otherwise. He used to bring Tucker in when he had someone cooking for him, but with the financial difficulties and letting her go, he’d sadly stopped doing so in recent months. He made a mental note to do that more often now that things were looking up just a little.
“Sounds delicious,” she replied. “Do you need any help?”
“Nope. Just relax. You have no idea what a treat you are in for,” he said, turning to wink at her. “There is fresh orange juice in the fridge. Help yourself. Feel free to pour a glass for the chef too, if you’re so inclined.”
“Do I get a bonus for that?” she joked.
“Yes. You get breakfast.”
“Would you like a large or small glass of orange juice?” she replied, heading toward the fridge.
“Large. Glasses are in the cabinet on the left side,” he told her, waving a spatula in that direction.
By the time they sat down to eat, Jake was more like himself again. He didn’t feel so tense about being around Vanessa. Perhaps he had tried to make too much of their relationship too soon. Being friends would be good. Jake needed friends. If his recent funk had reminded him of one thing, it was how much he did not need to be alone all the time.
With the pressure off to make something work out between them, he could just see Vanessa as a friend and be mostly content with that. Of course, he still felt like maybe there might be more, but that was something he would just have to ignore so that he didn’t compromise their working relationship. Then again, there was the fact that she wasn’t interested in him in his current situation. Somewhere down the line, though, perhaps he could change her mind, once he was past this whole mess he was in.
“So, you need health certificates on all the calves?” she asked as he worked at their food.
“Yes, I have a buyer for them. He wants to put up a down payment, but only after I confirm they are all in good health.”
“Sounds like things are looking up a bit then,” she replied.
“I think so. I hope so.”
“I hope so too,” she said, smiling at him as he passed her a plate with her omelet on it and started his own.
“Don’t wait for me,” he said. “Yours will get cold.”
“It looks delicious.”
“Hopefully it will be. I don’t think I got too many eggshells in it.”
Vanessa looked up at him doubtfully as she took her first bite. Jake turned to flip his own over in the pan, letting it finish cooking a bit before folding it over and flipping it out on his plate. He took a seat across from her and began eating.
“This is rea
lly good,” she said. “Hardly any eggshells at all.”
“Good to know. I may be needing a job as a cook down at the Waffle Hut if this whole ranching thing doesn’t work out for me.” It felt like things were getting a bit easier between them like they had been before she had found out about his encounter with Kessler’s thugs. He would just be grateful for that today.
After they finished, he took away their plates, putting them in the dishwasher before walking her back out to the pen where he and Tucker had already gathered the calves for their examinations.
“I’ll let you get on with things,” he told her.
“Sure. Thanks for breakfast,” Vanessa replied.
Jake tried to focus on work elsewhere while Vanessa did what was needed. It was more difficult than anticipated. As much as he told himself, he could just be her friend and be content with that. Jake knew he was only fooling himself. Time seemed to drag by as he kept busy and away from her. He felt a mix of relief and melancholy when she reappeared beside him.
“Alright, Jake. They all look good. I’ve got the certificates in my mobile unit. Let me fill them out, and I’ll be on my way.”
“Sounds good. Thanks for coming out on short notice.”
“Thanks for breakfast.” Vanessa smiled.
“I’d throw dinner in if I thought you’d say yes,” he replied.
Jake immediately regretted it. Talk about setting yourself up for rejection. Vanessa was going to start avoiding him again if he couldn’t control his little outbursts.
“Dinner sounds pretty good, actually,” Vanessa whispered.
Jake completely stopped what he was doing and looked at her with a hint of confusion. “Really?”
“Really.” She nodded.
“As friends, of course,” he added.
“We’ll see,” she told him, turning to walk away.
Jake watched her not in a perverted way, but just in utter disbelief. Women were fickle. He knew that, but she was bewildering. One minute they were just friends and another she seemed open to so much more. Still, he’d do well not to get his hopes up and blow things out of proportion. He went back to work, pondering it further and all he could come up with was one thing; she was having as much trouble staying away from him as he was letting things go with her. The thought of that made him smile.
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