by Angela Blake
“Cara….” Jack hesitated. “Is that when you tried to hurt yourself?”
Cara ducked her head, shame flooding her. She had never been the type to exhibit self-harming behavior up until that point. She had gone through a lot of break ups, good and bad, and when she was all cried out, she picked herself up and got back on again.
Jack was different though, or at least she thought he was.
He had been there for her through every single one of those break ups, and so he became an integral part of her life. As essential to her as air or water.
And for a while, she believed he was the love of her life.
They had even stayed up late one night talking about what they’d name their kids.
In that moment, that singularly beautiful moment, she was blissfully happy, she couldn’t imagine not being with him.
She should’ve seen the warning signs though.
Jack wasn’t stable, and he never had been.
He might’ve meant it at the time, but he never saw it through.
Maybe it was just who he was.
What Cara didn’t know at the time is because she had felt such intense happiness in the moment is that she would excruciating pain when it all ended.
It felt like someone had reached in and ripped her heart clean out of her chest without any kind of anesthetic then dumped her out into the cold and unforgiving night air. She lay there bleeding on the inside with nothing to show for it on the outside, and so nobody could help her.
Not that they didn’t try.
Jack, her parents, and her other friends did the best they could.
But, how can you treat symptoms that are in your head?
Physical pain is concrete, and tangible. You can see it, you can cure it, and people acknowledge it. It’s the mental pain that is the hardest to deal with.
Everyone cowers from it, ignores it, and so when it holds the upper hand, you suddenly find yourself helplessly paralyzed by it.
“Do you remember when I came to you because you’re a psychiatrist, and I told you that I needed help?”
“Yeah, of course, I remember that. I’ll never forget how you stumbled in, looking half dead.”
“Lily found me that day, at home curled up on the floor, and she began to give me a little tough love. I wanted to shut her out then, but it was the wakeup call I needed. Lily asked me if I wanted to waste my life away, and I realized I didn’t. She stayed up with me that day, and then drove me to your office.”
Cara remembered it all too well.
The cold that seeped through her bones, and seemed to settle there permanently. The inability to sleep, and she recalled flashes too.
Lily had been one of her closest friends since High school, and unlike Jack, she related to what Cara was going through because she had gone through something similar.
Cara evoked how much she despised her in that moment for being mean, and for yelling at her. Nevertheless, it got Cara to stand up and fight back.
Something she hadn’t done in months.
The first real sign that she was still in there.
She realized afterwards that Lily did it on purpose.
Anger was a very powerful motivator.
Cara didn’t want to hold onto the anger though.
And that’s when she decided to reach out to Jack.
“That day I went to see you, he tried to come back into my life, and I wouldn’t let him. I discovered something that day though. I wasn’t going to sit around anymore, I was going to get my life back on track.”
She had finally let it all out.
The words hung between them, quietly drifting away into the night, and for the first time in a long time, Cara felt like herself again.
The heaviness that had weighed her down for so long was finally starting to dissipate, and she felt a million years lighter.
“When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that today was going to turn out the way it did. I feel better, Jack. So much better than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel alive, and I feel like I’m becoming myself again.”
“That’s what I hoped you would reach when you came to me.”
Jack studied her quietly before he slowly put the mug next to him. He reached across the couch and took her into his arms. He began to pat her hair and stroke her back. “I’m glad you came to see me that day. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
“You would’ve been hopelessly confused when it comes to women.”
Jack vibrated with laughter against her. “Would’ve been? I still am.”
“Let me help you then.”
Cara was echoing an earlier sentiment that Jack told her in the office that day. Something that she desperately needed to her, and even more, she urgently needed to accept it.
Cara was not good at accepting help from anybody, not because she thought that she was better than that, but rather because she always felt like she should be able to save herself and the people she loved.
She felt like she needed to be invincible for everyone around her.
Yet, even superman needed saving every now and again.
Cara shifted and pulled back. “Jack asked me to take him back today. He said he’d changed, and that he wanted a second chance.”
Jack slipped into psychiatry mode, as she liked to call it. “Do you believe him?”
Cara paused. “I believe that he does actually want to change this time, but I don’t know if he can commit to it. Commitment is his biggest issue, and that’s not something I can ignore again.”
“Do you want him to try?”
Cara exhaled. “I think we’re different people now, or at least I am, and we’d have to start over if it were to work, but I need to feel like I can trust him this time. It’s not easy to gain back broken trust.”
“So, what is that you would want him to do?”
“I don’t know, exactly, but it has to be something honest, and something heartfelt.”
Chapter Five
Cara smelled something good.
She wasn’t sure if she was dreaming it, or if it was real, but either way, she wanted to continue smelling it. She sniffed and inhaled deeper, her entire body curling inwards and relishing the smell.
Her head poked out from underneath the blanket, angling itself towards the scrumptiously appetizing smell, and she fell into a heap on the floor.
She landed with an ompf, and began to mutter as she rubbed her now incredibly sore backside.
“Ouch,” Cara muttered as she wondered when her bed had suddenly gotten so sJackl. She should be able to sleep comfortable and turn over, so when then, did that simple act end up with her sprawled on the floor with the blanket curled around her legs like a vine?
Or more like poison ivy.
She glared in the general direction of the blanket, refusing to open her eyes and waste precious rest time. Even with her eyes closed, and her brain awake, she was relaxed.
“Come on, Cara. Open your eyes.”
Her head turned in the direction of the voice, and she frowned.
It sounded like her best friend Lily.
“Lily? Is that you?”
“No, it’s Queen Elizabeth, come to invite you to tea.”
“In that case, I’m glad I have on my fancy sweatpants and hoodie. They’re not much, you know, but I’m very fond of them.”
“They’ll do your royal laziness, now come on, get.”
Cara peeked one eye open. “You know you look much prettier in your pictures.”
Lily narrowed her eyes. “If you don’t get up this instant, I’ll give you something to gawk at.”
Cara continued to keep one eye closed, out of laziness, or simply because she enjoyed teasing Lily, but either way, she continued to watch her with one eye. “I thought that Queens were supposed to be more even-tempered than that. What are they teaching you these days?”
“How to live forever. It’s not exactly an easy lesson to master you know, with so many people in line.”
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br /> “That explains it. I knew there was some kind of sorcery involved. That and a good diet.”
“Yoga too,” Lily quipped in amusement as she stood there with her hands on her hips, trying her best to remain amused despite her exasperation. She was dressed in a pair of light washed out blue jeans, and a soft pink sweater. She wore a pair of thick boots, and her ice cap, scarf and gloves were strewn haphazardly on the other couch.
“You mean it’s not same new age bullshit?”
“Afraid not.”
“Damn, I just lost a bet. You couldn’t help me with that? Can’t you pass some loyal decree or something?”
Lily titled her chin up and sniffed. “It would not be wise to play favorites.”
“But I am your favorite,” Cara pointed out, a grin teasing her lips.
Cara pried the other eye open, and a yawn immediately escaped her lips. “Why am I on the floor?”
“Because you rolled over and fell off.” Lily raised an eyebrow. “Did you happen to hit your head and lose IQ points? I heard you muttering to yourself, so you were definitely awake.”
Cara rubbed her eyes sleepily. “Oh, yes, I didn’t mean that. I meant, why was I on the couch to begin with?”
“Jack said you fell asleep yesterday after you guys stayed up rather late.”
Suddenly, the events of the previous night came rushing back, but instead of dismay at her confession, she felt different. A good kind of different.
“Not that I don’t love seeing you and everything, but what are you doing here?”
“Are you rescinding my open door invitation?”
“You never have an open door invitation.” Cara chuckled as she stood up and began to stretch her muscles.
“Well, then maybe I should. Did you ever think about that? No, you didn’t,” Lily harrumphed as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“Must’ve slipped my mind,” Cara muttered as she stopped stretching and cracked her head sideways.
“So, what you’re saying is that you forgot me?” Lily widened her eyes and pretended to blink back the tears. “I can’t believe you did. After all the years we’ve spent together, and all the struggles we’ve seen each other through. To think that I…”
“I’ve got chocolate somewhere in the fridge if you want,” Cara interrupted smoothly watching as Lily’s face light up.
“Chocolate!” she squeaked like a little girl before she took off like a bullet. Cara could hear her rummaging around in the kitchen before she let out a triumphant ‘aha’.
Lily rounded the corner a few minutes later, looking as smug as a cat. “Found it.”
“So I’m forgiven?”
Lily chewed on a piece of chocolate thoughtfully before she swallowed. “No. the amount of damage you’ve done is irreparable. No amount of time can heal these wounds. I will never forgive you.”
“Then give me back my chocolate.” Cara held her hand out expectedly.
Lily shook her head and clutched the chocolate close to her chest. “No, you can’t have it.”
“Too late,” Cara informed her as she stalked towards Lily whose eyes widened as she glanced around frantically.
“You can’t have them. You’ll never take me alive, coppers.”
Lily shot forward like a bee, zooming in and out of spaces as Cara struggled to keep up with her. Oh, Lily was good alright, and she knew it.
Cara had a feeling it was because of all those times she spent running from her brothers at home. She learned to be deft, fast and flexible. Worthy and admirable traits in anybody who needed to get out of sticky situations, but Cara couldn’t be bothered to admit them too much at the moment.
“Come back here with my chocolate.”
“Scotland will never surrender to the English.”
Cara paused as she caught Lily’s eye, and they both looked confused.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“No idea. I just wanted to say it.” Lily took off again, but this time Cara was ready for her. She stretched out a leg, and Lily ended up tripping over it, and landing flat on her ass, her mouth forming an ‘O’ letter.
“Now that’s blackmail worthy.” Cara laughed as she patted her pockets for her phone. She whipped it out and snapped a quick picture all the while Lily sat there, a stunned look on her face.
“What just happened?”
“Did you just fall on your head and lose some IQ points?” Cara mimicked Lily’s earlier sentiment.
Lily’s mouth formed into a grin. “Touché. You still can’t have the chocolate though.”
Cara ran at Lily and tackled her to the ground so that Cara was on top, and Lily was beneath her, her arms pinned to the ground.
“Give me the chocolate!”
“Never!”
“Then you have to forgive me.”
Lily bucked her hips and sent Cara careening over the edge, nearly falling face forward as she struggled to maintain her grip.
“You need to play fair,” Cara complained as she huffed with the effort of keeping Lily still. For a little girl, she sure did have a lot of energy.
“Who said anything about fair? All is fair in love and war.”
“This isn’t love or war.”
“It’s love because of my love for chocolate, and it’s war because you might as well have declared a war on me.”
Cara raised an eyebrow. “Really? Somebody watches one too many British shows.”
Lily inhaled. “There’s no such thing as too many British shows. Now get off me, you bloody wench.”
Cara tossed her head back and began to slap her hands against her knees as her body vibrated with laughter. “Bloody wench? Yeah, what was my earlier comment again.”
Lily grinned. “I won’t help you win this. You can’t.”
“Oh, I think I already did.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Ladies, ladies.” Jack rounded the corner dressed in a pair of jeans, a shirt and a kiss the chef t-shirt. “What is all this bickering about?”
He caught sight of them lying on the floor, and his mouth split into an ear piercing grin. “Oooh, it’s a cat fight. Why do I always miss these things?”
Cara rolled her eyes. “Urgh. Ew. Don’t be a perv.”
“It has nothing to do with being a perv.” Jack smiled. “It has everything to do with being a guy.”
“Why is it exactly that men like to see women fight?”
“Okay, don’t hate me. But, basically it’s because we hope you’ll make out at the end of it.”
Lily and Cara made eye contact and rolled their eyes.
“I did say you weren’t going to like it,” Jack quipped as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Now, then. What’s all this about?”
“She won’t give me my chocolate back,” Cara accused as she stood up and dusted off her sweat pants.
Lily hoisted herself up. “She said I could have it.”
“I said you could have it so that you would forgive me. It’s not free chocolate. What do you take me for, a supermarket?”
Lily snorted. “Doesn’t matter. You didn’t specify in the beginning, therefore, your point is null and void.”
“Null and void my ass. That’s not how this works.”
Jack stepped in between them. “Ladies, please. There’s another way we can settle this.”
Cara gestured for him to go on. “Let’s hear it.”
“I made some breakfast, so who’s hungry?”
“What’s for breakfast?” Cara’s stomach twisted hungrily at the thought of food. It must be that delicious smell she caught earlier.
“Your favorite. Eggs benedict, French toast and a bowl of lucky charms.”
Cara clapped her hands excitedly. “Ooooh, my favorite.”
“We know,” Lily and Jack chorused.
“Wait a minute. Why are you making me my favorite breakfast?”
“Can’t we pamper our best friend?” Lily asked innocently.
&n
bsp; Cara placed her hands on her hips and glared. “No, you can’t.”
“Well, it’s about time we started, don’t you think?” Jack took her arm and began to steer her towards the kitchen.
Cara shook her head and grinned thinking that she was very lucky to have these two.
Chapter Six
Lily and Jack spent the rest of the day entertaining Cara at home. After she wolfed down her favorite breakfast, they switched on one of her favorite movies, and they settled in to watch.
With the warm glow from the fireplace, and a good movie on, Cara felt a good warmth spread through her belly.
She glanced over at Lily who was watching intently, and Jack who was trying so hard not to be interested, but was failing miserably.
It was a rom com after all, and both Lily and Cara would tease him to death if they sensed that he liked it.
How could you not like The Notebook though?
It was a love story about two people who fought for each other despite the odds that stood in their way. A lot of people didn’t do that. It was easier to give up.
It was harder to stay and fight when the going got tough.
Sadly, most people didn’t have the slightest clue what it meant when they promised to love and cherish each other ‘in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.’
It’s not that they didn’t mean it. They wanted to mean it, but wanting to mean it wasn’t enough. When you were deliriously happy and drunk on love, you’d agree to pretty much anything.
That’s how intoxicating it could be.
Cara knew all about that.
When you opened yourself up to an extraordinary kind of love, you also set yourself up for a world of pain if things go wrong. It was a risk most people were afraid to take. Better to settle for a mediocre love.
Cara was not one of those people.
Or at least she didn’t used to be.
She thought that love should be this blazing glory, an inferno of red hot passion that swallowed you whole.
However, she was beginning to realize that a love like that wasn’t healthy. Real love wasn’t about being overwhelmed. It was about having a steady fire that kept you steady, and gave you strength when you needed it.