by Diana Fraser
Maddy put her arm around Flo and pulled her to her side in a swift hug, but Flo had recovered rapidly and pulled away—independent to the last. She rose. “So,” she said more brusquely, pointing her finger from one to the other. “I don’t want to see you two stuffing up something beautiful, like I did. Right?”
They both muttered something, as Flo walked off, apparently satisfied. Gabe rose and moved opposite Maddy, deliberately sitting back, not offering sympathy, not offering anything that could sway her decision. The cards were on the table, and it was up to her to do what she wanted with her hand.
She looked up with eyes which were far away, still with Jonny, and his heart sank. “So, where to from here?” she asked.
But he wasn’t giving up without a fight, even if it wasn’t the fight she might have been expecting. He wanted those eyes on him. Always.
“Forward. That’s where,” he said briskly, standing up with sudden decision.
“I don’t know if I can. I feel like I’ve taken you for a ride, that I’ve tricked you and your whole family in this crazy charade I agreed to with Jonny. I’m so sorry, Gabe. I feel so ashamed. I should never have agreed.”
“It’s okay.”
“Really?”
“Yes. But only if you agree to my terms.”
“Your terms?”
“Yes, you agreed to stay in Akaroa for six months for Jonny. You lasted three months before telling me. Now I want you to do the same for me. I want you to stay for three months in Akaroa. Continue the life you’ve created for yourself here for a further three months.”
“But what’s the point? Why on earth would you want me to do that?”
“Haven’t I made myself clear? I love you. I want you in my life. As loathe as I am to admit that I’ve reacted just as Jonny had predicted, the truth is that I have. I want you to stay to complete the six months. If you think you owe me, then you can make it up by staying another three months. What do you say?”
She rose, too, and stood in front of him. It was all he could do not to reach out and pull her into his arms and keep her there. How could he make her see that she should be with him, not the memory of his twin brother?
“What do you say?” he repeated. He could hear the force in his words which was unusual for him. Forced and husky with urgency and need.
She nodded. “If that’s what you want, it’s the least I can do.”
He’d have preferred something more enthusiastic, but he’d take what he could get.
“Okay.”
She drew in a deep breath as if for courage and exhaled. “So, what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to carry on just as you have been, making connections with people, healing. Just as Jonny wanted.”
“And at the end of the six months? What then?”
He backed away, only pausing at the steps down to the road. He glanced around. “We’ll see.” And then he walked away, his mind full of Maddy’s face, clouded with confusion. She’d thought she’d been sent here for him, and Gabe was sure that there was an element of reconciliation involved in the promise Jonny had forced on Maddy. But he instinctively knew it was more than that, and his father had confirmed his instincts. Jonny wanted him to look after Maddy, to cherish her as he no longer could. And, despite the shock around her revelation, Gabe knew he would, as much as she would let him.
But would she let him? He knew what he felt for Maddy, but the question was, how much did she feel for him? He had three months to find out.
11
A bead of sweat trickled down Maddy’s back as she paced the open grassy area between the woods and Belendroit, focusing intently on the piece of machinery she was holding. When she reached the edge of the woods she stopped, checked the readings and flicked the switch. Done.
Maddy leaned against a tree trunk and looked around. The late afternoon sunlight flooded the trees overhead, their golden leaves scarcely moving in the still heat. She looked across the site to the last of the team who were preparing to leave. They were her kind of people—dressed in drill shorts, stained shirts and hats and gumboots—practical, good-humored and all passionate about their work. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed the work, nor the people.
They waved and mimed a drink at her, and she waved back.
“I’ll see you there.”
There was no reason for anyone to ask where “there” was. There was only one place where all the archaeologists went to after work—Flo’s Place, as it had become known. Many of them—particularly those from overseas and temporarily homeless—had found a home at Flo’s Place for the duration of the dig. And, in the process, had turned around the profit for Flo. At least Maddy had been of help there, she thought.
Maddy pulled off her cap, wiped the sweat from her forehead and pushed her fingers through her damp hair. It was hot—hot and humid. Everybody seemed to be feeling the oppression of the approaching storm. Even the most patient of the team had thrown down his trowel in exasperation as a promising lump had turned out to be just that—a nondescript lump. She looked across the harbor to a leaden sky which reflected its intense blue-gray onto the sea’s surface. Time to pack up for the day before the storm hit.
She stowed the equipment and sat on the step of the shed for a while looking over the dig, feeling a sense of peace she hadn’t felt for a long while. She’d come a long way since she’d arrived in New Zealand. The past few months—with the archaeology, and friendship, and getting to know Jonny’s family—had given her a sense of perspective and, despite all that she felt for Jonny, she could now see how Jonny had manipulated her. From the moment that they’d met when he’d dominated her by force of personality alone, to later, when she’d wanted to return to work, and he’d persuaded her otherwise, he’d been in control. Between the sheer intensity of his personality and his effective ways of persuasion, she hadn’t stood a chance. But now she could see more clearly, and she refused to allow herself to be manipulated anymore. It wasn’t fair to her, and it certainly wouldn’t be fair to anyone else. What was the old expression? If you loved someone, you should set them free. It wasn’t what Jonny had done. But it was what she would do for Gabe. She felt she’d been forced on him, as much as he’d been forced on her. And neither scenario was healthy. He wanted her to stay, but she couldn’t. So all she had to do was to find the courage to tell him that. She brushed the soil from her fingers and gave a brief, empty laugh, knowing, deep down, that Gabe wouldn’t understand. But she had to try to make him understand. She owed him that much.
She rose and brushed off her shorts and waved goodbye to the last departing member of the archaeology team. She’d be seeing them all later at the hostel. And Gabe. It was one of the team’s birthday, and Flo was laying on a party for them. She’d tell him then.
* * *
“Hot enough for you?” called Edie, an elderly patient of Gabe’s from across the road.
“Sure is!” replied Gabe. “This summer is going on and on.”
Edie looked across the hills to where the sky was dark. “Looks like rain. I wouldn’t be surprised if we have a thunderstorm later.”
They exchanged a few more pleasantries before Edie continued on her way. Gabe glanced at the sky as he walked on toward Flo’s house. Edie was right. The atmosphere was odd. There was a sense of expectation, an electricity in the air. He just hoped it wouldn’t affect Flo’s party because he had plans.
A couple of weeks had passed since Maddy had told Gabe about herself and Jonny. Maddy had continued to stay at Akaroa although she’d never actually agreed to Gabe’s request. He was just relieved she’d stayed, and had taken it as a sign that he still had a chance. And he was determined not to blow it.
He fingered the jewelry box which contained the ring he’d selected from an exclusive Christchurch store. He’d had it a week now and had been waiting until the right moment, which meant a moment when Maddy wasn’t engrossed in her archaeology work at Belendroit, or surrounded by other people. There would be lots
of people at tonight’s party, but he was hoping that afterward, they would be alone. He had a bottle of champagne chilling in the fridge, just in case.
He paused at the gate to the Backpackers when he saw Maddy seated with the others on the veranda. She hadn’t noticed him appear in the prematurely dark evening, as he stood outside the fall of the street light. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. It was ridiculous. He’d never been this nervous around a woman before. But, then he’d never proposed marriage before. He stayed there for a few moments, watching her, and he suddenly realized that, while the others were conversing, Maddy wasn’t joining in. He doubted she even heard what they were saying. She appeared cool and aloof, just as she had when he’d first seen her. He looked away, hating to see her like that—as if there was a barrier between her and the rest of the world, as if she were afraid of it. What could she be afraid of now?
The gate clicked as he opened it and she turned to him and smiled, and he fingered the ring box again. Perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps everything would be all right.
“Gabe!” called Flo. “Come and join us and grab a beer on the way. They’re in the ice bucket out on the deck.”
Gabe plucked a beer from the now slushy container and went to join them. Flo wriggled over and made a space between her and Maddy which Gabe immediately took. He smiled and was relieved to see the separateness that was so characteristic of her disappear. “How are things?” He was gratified to see a heat come into her eyes and a flush to her cheeks which had been missing before.
“Good, thanks.”
“And the dig?”
She pulled a face. “The dig is fine. We’re getting some great finds. But the university wants me to front a TV programme to publicize it.” She shook her head. “I hate that kind of thing.”
He didn’t doubt it. She wasn’t like his sister Rachel, who was totally at ease in front of a camera. “You would be perfect, Maddy. You wouldn’t have to pretend to be anybody you’re not. They want someone passionate about the work, and you are that. Why not give it a go?”
She grimaced. “I don’t like the idea. I’d rather be getting my hands dirty than speaking to a camera.”
He took a swig from his beer bottle. “Then why don’t you refuse?”
She shrugged. “I don’t want to let anyone down.”
He swilled his drink around the bottle, suddenly uncomfortable again. Was this how it was always going to be with Maddy? Her agreeing to things she didn’t want to do because she felt she owed people for some reason or other? Would she feel the same way when he proposed to her?
“You should do exactly what you want. Why don’t you find out what’s involved, and if you still don’t want to do, tell them? No doubt you could contribute in other ways. Don’t do what you don’t want to do, Maddy. It’s not fair on anyone.”
She turned abruptly to face him, and he could see that she understood his broader meaning. She licked her lips as if struggling with how to respond. Then she looked at him firmly. “But I’m here right now because you asked me to stay around.”
His heart sank. “Is that the only reason you stayed? Tell me the truth. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.”
Maddy shrugged, her bright hair falling over her face, obscuring her expression, as she watched someone emerge from the house with a guitar, and begin to play a plaintive Irish melody. Cicadas throbbed in the trees and the sky darkened further as clouds rolled in from the north, trapping the day’s heat and intensifying it. But still she didn’t answer, and the silence was filled with Flo’s voice, as she joined the guitarist in a song whose emotions could be felt without needing to understand the Gaelic words she sang.
By the time the song had finished Maddy still hadn’t broken her silence, and he found his bottle was empty. She placed her hand on his and wrapped her fingers around his and squeezed them. She leaned into him so that only he could hear what she was saying.
“Partly. I do feel I owe you.” She shook her head when he was about to remonstrate, and continued. “But… it’s complicated.” She shrugged.
“I need to know, Maddy. I need to know.” He swallowed, feeling the weight of the velvet box in his pocket. “It can’t be that complicated.”
“It is. But I have a shortened version.”
“Don’t keep me guessing,” he said quietly.
She gripped his hand again. “I stayed because of you. Because I want to be with you.”
With you, he repeated the words in his mind. With you. It didn’t exactly smack of undying love. He tried to forget the ring box in his pocket.
She rose. “Do you fancy a walk?”
He was surprised, but there was no way on this earth that he’d refuse. “Sure.” He tried to sound casual, more like Jonny would have sounded.
They made their excuses to Flo and slipped away.
Under the starless sky and air that barely moved, the sea sounded restless as the waves broke on the shore, providing a welcome coolness.
Maddy slipped her hand into his. Since the night, two weeks before, when she’d told him about her relationship with Jonny, they’d continued to be physically close, holding hands, the odd kiss, and he knew that she had feelings for him, but he hadn’t pressed anything, and she hadn’t revealed anything. But now, for some reason, he felt a tension in the way she held herself, and the way she held his hand.
“Which way shall we go?” he asked. He knew where he wanted to take her—straight to his place—but wanted it to come from her.
She cocked her head to one side and smiled. “Your place?”
He nodded, understanding. Something had changed, and whatever it was, if it meant spending the night at his place, then he was fine with it. He was suddenly aware once more of the ring box.
The five-minute walk seemed to take longer than it usually did. Sheet lightning lit up the horizon from far away, and a distant rumble followed, but the rain held off. Gabe was preternaturally aware of every glance, every move of every muscle which Maddy made. He felt with a sinking heart that maybe his instincts knew better than he did. That she was going to leave and that he was trying to capture her in his mind, where he could remember her when she’d gone. It was going to be goodbye—but it seemed she was in no hurry to say that goodbye. It was exquisite—both the pleasure and torture of her company. He never wanted it to end.
He closed his front door and was about to flick on the light when Maddy placed her hand on his. Another flash of lightning filled the hallway; her face was so close to his that he could see his dark shadow reflected in her eyes. He stepped away, not liking how his darkness filled her. It wasn’t what he wanted. But Maddy moved toward him, bridging the gap he’d created. He shook his head and stepped away again. And again, she countered his movement with one of her own. He hadn’t the control to take her hand from his arm, where her fingers dug into his muscles.
“Maddy! I don’t know why you’re here, or what you want from me. Just tell me straight.”
“Straight?” She gave a small huff of a laugh. “I don’t think I can, because I’m not sure I know anymore. All I know is what I feel here, now. And I want to be close to you. Gabe, I want to make love with you.”
It might not have been the declaration of love he’d hoped for, and he knew the ring box would stay in his pocket. But, he thought as their mouths met in a kiss that was as feverish as the weather outside, if this was going to be their last night together, he’d make damn sure it was one she’d never forget.
* * *
As Maddy listened to the hall clock strike three in the morning, she shifted carefully on the bed, so as not to wake Gabe, acutely aware of the delicious tingle in every square inch of her body. Gabe had made sure of that. But while the passion they’d shared had sated her physical needs, it had done nothing to unravel the confusion that filled her mind. She hated that she couldn’t tell Gabe what he wanted to hear. But she couldn’t continue the charade which Jonny had created.
She sighed, wondering how on earth s
he could do what she had to do, without hurting the people she loved most in the world.
“What is it?” asked Gabe softly.
She turned to find him looking at her, the outline of his face barely visible in the dim light. Just a denser black against the gray-black of pre-dawn. How long he’d been lying awake, looking at her, she didn’t know. He hadn’t moved. His arm was still under her head, his hand still on her hip. She stroked her foot up his calf and shifted on her side to look at him.
She opened her mouth to say, “nothing”, but closed it again without speaking. “Nothing” didn’t come anywhere close to describing what troubled her. “Everything” would have been a more accurate answer.
“If I had to guess I’d say you were wondering how you could extricate yourself from me, from here, from us all.” She opened her mouth to reply, but he pressed his finger gently against her lips. “Hear me out, Maddy. I want you to stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere at three a.m. It’s cold out there,” she added with a brief smile. But her light tone didn’t make him change his expression.
“Stay,” he repeated.
His hand reached out to hers, and he kissed it, before holding it up to the dim light, turning it as if examining it, as if it were something rare. She turned her head on the pillow to look at him, but his eyes were only on their joined hands.
She opened her mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t form, and she closed her mouth and her eyes. She felt the touch of his fingertip on her lips, and she opened her eyes. “It’s not that simple.”
“It can be if you want it to be.” His roving finger finished with a swift caress of her cheek.
He was wrong; nothing was simple, not in her heart or mind. And it wasn’t fair on Gabe. “You deserve better than me.”