by David, Luna
Andy sighed and nodded. “You’re right. I should talk to him about it. I hope I didn’t insult you. I’m just trying to understand is all.”
“You didn’t insult me at all, Andy. I’m happy you brought it up since it was worrying you. I urge you to talk to Jamie. He’ll tell you what he’s comfortable telling you and hopefully clear up any further unease you have about us. I’m going to go order from Mo’s. I’ll let you know when we’re back with dinner.”
Andy made eye contact and smiled. “Thank you, Ronan.”
Ronan couldn’t help but smile in return, knowing Andy hadn’t meant any harm, and he was being protective of Jamie. “You’re welcome.”
It had been impossible not to let some more niggling doubts in after that conversation with Andy. Not that he didn’t have them before, obviously.
They’d moved the rest of Jamie’s stuff, which had been safely ensconced in a storage unit, into Ronan’s home. In Ronan’s mind, it didn’t make sense to be paying for a storage unit if Jamie was moving in. They could sort through his things, donate the items he no longer needed, and bring the rest back to their place and find a new home for it.
Hell, it had all made sense in Ronan’s mind at the time. But since then, he’d had time to think about it. Now he wondered if he subconsciously feared Jamie wanted an escape clause—as if keeping the storage unit was a way not to mesh their lives one hundred percent, making it easier for Jamie to leave if he realized what they had was no longer what he needed. Ronan knew deep down that’s not what Jamie wanted, and he also knew deep down he wasn’t trying to trap the boy.
After Jamie’s response a while back about not wanting to go to Geoff and Misha’s house party, and wanting to just have a weekend with them together, Ronan had begun to realize he’d made the right call. Reducing the amount of scenes, and turning down house calls and parties moving forward, helped Ronan make it clear to Jamie that he was Ronan’s first priority, always.
They were lying in bed that night after a beautiful scene in the basement where Jamie had been splayed out for him on one of the spanking benches, enjoying a little bit of sensory and impact play. Jamie curled closer to him, head on his chest, caressing the hair of his happy trail. When his movement stopped and his breathing steadied, Ronan thought Jamie was asleep.
So Jamie surprised Ronan when he sighed and asked, “Is everything okay, Ronan? I just feel like… I don’t know… Something’s off with you. With us.”
Ronan grew tense before he forced himself to relax. “Everything’s fine, boy. Nothing’s off. You submitted to me beautifully earlier, and I couldn’t be happier that you’re living here with me now in our home.”
Jamie lifted his head up, peering down at him, a worried expression wrinkling his brows. “I’m happy about that too, but we haven’t been doing very many scenes or house calls since I moved in. I just want to be sure you’re okay.”
“I’m great, Jamie. Truly. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I’ve never been happier.”
Ronan drew Jamie down for a slow, gentle kiss. He could still see the worry in Jamie’s eyes, but he gathered him close, doing his best to dispel his apprehension. He kissed the crown of Jamie’s head and whispered, “Sleep, sweetheart. I love you.”
“I love you too, Ronan.”
JAMIE
Jamie sat at the front desk tapping his pen against the patient folder in front of him, lost in thought. It was the end of a busy day—fuck, a busy week. They’d even had a few days where they’d eaten lunch one bite at a time in between patients.
Tap, tap, tap
“If you don’t stop tapping that pen, I will you hit you over the head with my stapler,” Natalie stated without even looking away from her computer as she clicked away on her keyboard.
“Ugh, sorry.”
“I can hear you thinking from over here. What’s got your head so wrapped up? You should be celebrating. It’s Friday, and the only thing stopping us from bolting out the door is Dr. Kincaid.”
Jamie paused. She was right. It was Friday. After such a long week, he’d lost track. But Fridays were good for many reasons. One of them was the scenes they had after work. Jamie smiled.
“You’re right. It’s Friday. Fridays are good days.”
“Now you’re just being weird. Go find your boyfriend and get his ass moving so we can all leave.”
Jamie finished up the patient chart and added it to the pile to be filed away on Monday after billing was completed. He walked down the hall, going through each room to make sure he hadn’t forgotten any of the rooms in his closing-up routine. When he saw each one was done, he went to find Ronan.
Ronan was sitting behind his desk, clicking the pen he had in his hand over and over while staring at the chart in front of him when Jamie walked into his office. Jamie smiled. Maybe they were a little bit the same. At least when it came to relieving stress.
“Hey, Doc,” Jamie said quietly as he made his way over to Ronan.
Ronan returned the smile, but once again, Jamie noticed there was just something…off about it.
“Jamie.” Ronan stood, greeting him with a soft kiss when he walked around Ronan’s desk. “Are you ready to go then?”
“Go?” Jamie lowered his voice just in case Natalie was close by. “It’s Friday. Don’t we have a scene tonight?”
Ronan rubbed the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. Jamie furrowed his brow. Why would this make him uncomfortable?
“We don’t. Not tonight.” Ronan walked around Jamie, taking off his white lab coat and grabbing his fall coat. October around Powell’s Point got a bit chilly, especially after the sun set.
“Did Knox and Zach cancel?” Jamie asked. He’d started texting with Zach not that long ago, after the kiss they’d shared back in August at the house party. It was only here and there, but they’d been growing more frequent the last few weeks. Jamie liked the guy, and friendships within the BDSM community had helped him more than he could ever explain to anyone.
“No, they didn’t cancel. I did.”
“Oh, okay.” Jamie wasn’t sure what else to say. This wasn’t the first time Ronan had canceled or had some other reason why they couldn’t do a scene with anyone. It wasn’t even about not being in the mood. There had been only one time Jamie had declined participating in a house party or scene when he just hadn’t been in the mood for it. But ever since early September when Jamie had moved in, the rate of their scenes with others had steadily declined until they basically weren’t doing them any longer.
Something had changed in Ronan. Jamie wasn’t sure what. He’d even asked him, but he always had a valid reason and always said things were fine. Jamie’s gut was telling him that wasn’t the truth. But if Ronan wouldn’t talk to him, what else could Jamie do but give Ronan the time he needed to figure out whatever was going on and talk to Jamie when he was ready?
The car ride home was quiet, both of them lost in their own thoughts. They didn’t speak another word about it that night. Jamie’s chest ached with the distance he could feel growing between them each day.
The feeling of everything being out of his hands, and the fear that maybe he would lose what he had with Ronan if something didn’t give, made Jamie’s throat tight and brought tears to his eyes.
He wouldn’t give up so easily. He would fight.
Jamie was in his office at the house typing out a text to Andy when he heard the front door. Ronan must be home.
He’d gone to the gym with Geoff and Brad after work. They hadn’t had a scene—they hadn’t had any scenes—even though it was Friday. Again. Jamie had been thinking about asking Misha about it since they’d been having scenes regularly with Ronan for years. In the end, he realized he’d be putting his friend in the middle, and that wouldn’t be fair.
Jamie waited, finishing his conversation with Andy about their plans before he left his office and walked toward the kitchen. He knew, after Ronan showered and changed, he’d be in there making them dinner. Ronan loved cooking a
nd loved his kitchen.
Ronan was rummaging around the fridge, grabbing a few things when Jamie walked into the room. Being that it was the first week of November, Ronan had started wearing a sweatshirt and slippers as soon as he got home.
They compromised and kept the house at a modest temperature because Jamie was always too hot, and Ronan was always too cold. Jamie laughed at his imposing Dom looking all soft and warm.
He always loved seeing Ronan all cuddled up in his clothes. It made him want to be wrapped up in his arms with his face buried in Ronan’s chest, just breathing in his scent.
“Are you laughing at me, boy?”
It wasn’t the first time. “I am.”
Ronan placed all the items he’d gathered onto the counter before turning around to face Jamie. He opened his arms in invitation…one Jamie was not about to ignore.
Many things had changed as they moved along in their relationship, but one thing that hadn’t was the amount of affection Ronan showed him on a daily basis.
“How’s Geoff and Brad? They kick your ass at the gym again?”
Ronan chuckled, pulling away from Jamie. “No, brat, they didn’t kick my ass. And they’re just fine.”
As they worked together to make their dinner, they talked. They saw each other at work, but they always had a tendency to talk over patients when they were home. They moved quickly from one topic to another.
“Oh, I almost forgot. You still have plans with Brad tomorrow, right?” Jamie asked as he gathered plates and silverware.
“Yeah, is that okay?” Ronan was checking the fancy-schmancy mac and cheese that was in the oven. The man couldn’t make a normal dish to save his life.
“Oh yeah, that’s not it. Andy had a visit from his parents this week.” Jamie could see Ronan wince in sympathy. He knew all about them as Jamie had filled him in. “And now he’s sort of a wreck from it. I made best-friend-veg-on-the-couch-and-eat-all-the-food plans with him for tomorrow, and I just wanted you to know.”
Ronan laughed. “That’s good. I’m sure the junk food will cure him of all that ails him by the time you’re both done.”
“Junk food has superpowers.”
They decided to sit at the table in the dining room to eat their dinner. Not typical for them, but mac and cheese could be messy.
“Seriously, is he doing okay? I know how it can be with tough parents,” Ronan said. After talking to Ronan about Andy’s parents, he’d opened up about his own. It made Jamie appreciate his mom. Even if the time with her had been short, he had her. She had been amazing.
“I think so. He goes through this with them all the time. It’s just more in his face when they come to Powell’s Point.”
Ronan nodded. “That makes sense. Knox had talked to me about Zach’s issues with his own parents. You know they live together, right?”
“Yeah, that happened earlier this year?”
“Mainly, it was them wanting to share their lives, but also, Zach’s parents have issues with boundaries. They were constantly walking into Zach’s apartment like it was theirs. No knock or anything. Well, last week had been the first time since Zach had moved in with Knox that Zach’s parents had come to visit. Unannounced.”
Jamie’s thoughts bounced between two warring questions. One would have to wait, but first… “They didn’t…”
“Oh, they did. Knox hadn’t locked the door because they still had guests arriving. When he walked out of the kitchen with a tray of food, dressed only in his leather pants and chest harness, to find Zach’s parents standing in the front entryway with a couple of suitcases…let’s just say things did not end well.”
“Oh no, was Zach…you know…Zach or Callie?” Jamie couldn’t help but ask. He had no idea if Zach’s parents knew of their kink, but if he had to hazard a guess, it was definitely no.
“He hadn’t changed into his Callie clothes yet because he’d been downstairs tending to the guests before everything started, thankfully. But he did have to go upstairs when he’d heard the yelling…after making sure everyone knew to stay downstairs.”
“Knox yelled? Wow, he was always so calm every time I saw or spoke to him.”
Ronan nodded. “He’s one of the calmest men I know, but mess with Zach, and that flies right out the window.”
“I bet.” Jamie sat, poking at his food, contemplating how to bring up the next part. The question that wouldn’t stop nagging him.
“Hey, boy, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Ronan asked, resting his hand on Jamie’s arm in comfort.
Jamie took a deep breath, looked right at Ronan then spit it out. “Why didn’t we go to the house party?”
Emotions passed so quickly over Ronan’s face, Jamie had a hard time keeping up with each one. Then, just as quickly, Ronan schooled his emotions, and Jamie knew what he was going to say. The same thing he’d been saying for over a month. Jamie sighed.
“Don’t. Please…just…don’t,” Jamie said before Ronan could say a thing.
Jamie grabbed his plate and cup and walked over to the sink. He rinsed his stuff and put it all in the dishwasher. He heard Ronan stand to do the same thing. Then he heard his phone vibrate on the table.
He turned to see Ronan looking confused and hurt. He could join the club because Jamie was hurting too.
“What’s going on, Jamie? I don’t understand. I was just going to tell you—”
“I know what you were going to say, Ronan. ‘I’m great, Jamie. Nothing’s wrong, Jamie. You’re my priority, Jamie.’ Anything else I’m leaving out?”
“Why are you so upset? We’re still doing scenes and you love those.” Ronan’s voice was calm and self-assured as always, but there was a hint of panic in there as well. Jamie didn’t want that. He was just so tired.
“You aren’t talking to me, Ronan,” Jamie said as he walked closer to Ronan, grabbing his hands in his. “I feel this empty, tense space stewing between us. No matter when or how I ask, you won’t talk to me about what’s changed. You didn’t include me in the decision not to scene with others, but it was you who said the submissive has all the power. Well, I feel pretty fucking powerless right now.”
“Nothing has changed. We’re still us. We’re just not with others anymore. Isn’t that nice? Having it just be us?” Ronan asked. He didn’t sound mad or upset. He was just Ronan. Ever composed, ever in control.
“I love it being just us, Ronan, I do…but I loved it before too. I loved watching you dominate others, watching them come unglued under you.” Jamie let go of Ronan’s hands, grabbed his cell off the table, and walked toward their bedroom. Stopping just outside the doorway, he turned back to Ronan. Seeing him looking so confused hurt Jamie as much as everything else. He loved that man. He never wanted to hurt him.
“I think…I think you need to figure out what it is you want from our relationship. Because as much as I love you, when you don’t talk to me, it hurts me. Not including me in the decisions you make for the both of us, hurts me.”
“I’m just doing what’s best for us, Jamie. That’s all. I don’t ever want you to feel hurt by that.” Jamie could hear the pleading in his voice. Ronan wanted Jamie to understand, but Jamie didn’t understand. A key part of them wasn’t the same. Not from what it had been when they’d started this whole thing.
“I believe you think that,” Jamie shrugged, “but if you don’t talk to me about why you think it’s best, then how can I understand?”
Jamie stepped into their bedroom. “I’m just going to go to Andy’s tonight instead of tomorrow. I’ll spend the weekend with him to give you time to think or whatever.” Turning back to face Ronan, Jamie’s voice broke. “I don’t know what else to do to make you see what’s broken. But something is broken. We can’t move forward or keep going if you don’t communicate with me. I can’t keep going like this, Ronan. Call me when you’re ready to talk.”
Still reeling from the decision he’d just made, Jamie quietly packed a small bag, just enough for three days. Leaving, e
ven just for the weekend, had never entered his mind. This was his home. But he knew they needed space, and Ronan needed to do some thinking.
Ronan was still standing in the same spot when Jamie walked out of their bedroom, bag in hand. He looked sad and shocked. Jamie went to him, cupping one side of his face as he stood on his toes and kissed the other…more like a press of lips against skin. He stayed like that, savoring Ronan’s scent. He could feel the tears about to fall as fear that they wouldn’t figure this out welled up inside him.
Jamie whispered, “I love you,” before stepping back and walking out to his car. Feeling Ronan’s eyes on him, he looked back at the house.
Exhausted as he climbed in his car, Jamie couldn’t believe that they were in this place after only sharing their home for two short months.
Jamie’s drive to Andy’s was a blur of emotions. The tears that threatened to fall at home finally fell when he’d driven away from Ronan.
He texted his friend when he got in the car to let him know he was coming over that night instead of the next day. Andy didn’t ask questions, just replied with a series of junk food emojis. Jamie chuckled. Andy was such a dork sometimes.
When he got to Andy’s, he knocked on the door then walked in.
“Hey, man. You look like shit,” Andy said. It looked like he’d just placed a pile of blankets on the couch when Jamie arrived.
“I feel like shit.”
Jamie set his stuff down then made his way to Andy, helping him create the nest of food and blankets they needed for their best friend vegfest. Tickles, the cat Andy had brought home, sat perched on the arm of the couch watching.
“I know why I feel like shit, but what’s up with you?” Andy asked as they completed their masterpiece of blankets. Jamie stood, his hands in his pockets, not sure how to explain.