by David, Luna
“Fuck.”
Brad nodded but didn’t relent. “You’ve stopped all your scenes, so he’s stopped learning about himself. You’ve slammed the door shut on what amounts to the boy’s sexual awakening, and he has no idea why.”
Ronan stood abruptly, nearly knocking his chair over, and ran for the door, not stopping when Brad called his name. He grabbed his keys and was outside when Brad grabbed onto him from behind, physically stopping him in his tracks. He tried to pull himself out of Brad’s grasp but damned if his best friend wasn’t stronger than an ox from doing all that physical labor every day. Ronan stopped trying to get away, breath heaving, and stood still.
“I’m not letting you drive like this. Jamie has his car. I’ll drop you off at Andy’s, all right?”
Ronan wanted to be annoyed, but all he could feel was gratitude that his friend had figured it out well before he could. He nodded and managed a croaked whisper, “Did I ruin everything?”
Brad squeezed him tight, Ronan’s back against his chest. “No. That boy is so head over heels in love with you it would be disgusting if I wasn’t so happy for you both. But you have some work to do.” He clapped a hand on Ronan’s chest, and Ronan knew he’d have fallen on his ass if he didn’t have Brad behind him. Brad slowly let him go and they both headed to his truck—a giant, American monstrosity he’d never seen the likes of until he’d moved back to the land of oversized everything.
As Brad started the engine and drove down Ronan’s long driveway, he glanced over at Ronan and said, “I wish you would believe me when I tell you that you did nothing wrong with Toby. That man was a thirty-year-old child, and he wasn’t ready for an adult relationship.”
“How can you even say I did nothing wrong? The man was there one morning when I went to work and gone by the time I came home. He ran from me so fast, he’d practically left skid marks on my driveway. I fucked up with him somehow, somewhere, and I’m still not sure where I went wrong.”
“Ronan, give yourself some credit. You haven’t changed who you are. You’ve been a ridiculously responsible adult since you were eighteen years old. Yes, you’ve recently made some questionable choices out of fear. But, this situation with Jamie notwithstanding, you are a rock. A steady constant in people’s lives.”
Ronan needed Brad to stop. Extolling all of his virtues wasn’t going to get them anywhere, and he hated hearing it when he couldn’t believe it himself. “Brad, stop—”
Ignoring him, Brad continued, “Everyone knows exactly where they stand with you. Never once did Toby ask for anything to change in your relationship or tell you what he really wanted. And frankly, I doubt it was what he really wanted. He loved being able to scene with others. I think he realized after he’d moved in with you that you were thinking about him long term, and he panicked.”
Ronan shook his head. “He knew I loved him. But…I guess now that I know what being in love really feels like, I can admit I wasn’t in love with him.”
Brad reached over and squeezed his leg. “You know I saw Chelsea a couple of months after he took off. I told you I asked her about him, and she said he’d gotten a new job offer back home in Boise.”
Ronan nodded and Brad continued. “You were living together for months, and you were talking about building your forever home and asking him to help make decisions about it. I think he started to panic and realized what that meant. He needed to get far enough away that he wouldn’t run into you in our community. I think it’s as simple as that.”
Ronan shrugged, not caring if it was the truth or not. Toby didn’t matter. When compared to his relationship with Jamie, Toby was a mere detour on the roadmap of his life.
As they made the final turn onto the street where Andy lived, Ronan turned and gripped Brad’s shoulder. “Thank you. I don’t know how I didn’t see it. But if you hadn’t knocked me over the head with it, I’d still be passed out at home with no idea how to fix what I’ve broken.”
Brad grinned and double parked, turning on his hazards. “Go on. Get the boy back. Grovel for as long as it takes.”
Ronan climbed out of the truck and nodded. “I intend to do a lot of that.” He slammed the door and glanced up to the high-rise before him, then jogged to the double glass doors, prepared to beg Jamie for another chance, if that’s what it took.
Ronan’s hands were sweating, and he was extremely nervous when he knocked on Andy’s door. Jamie answered and they stared at each other for at least a minute, not saying anything. Ronan’s heart was beating a strong tattoo in his chest, and the look of hope on Jamie’s face was unmistakable.
It was that look that had Ronan stepping closer. His face crumpled, no longer able to control his emotions. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. So sorry—”
Jamie threw himself at Ronan, and they hugged each other tight enough to cut off the other’s air supply. He wouldn’t have changed that moment for anything. Having Jamie back in his arms was more than he deserved.
Jamie tapped on his chest with the fist that was caught between their bodies. But when he heard the boy’s muffled cry against his chest—“I’m so mad at you!”—all he could do was grip his boy tighter and whisper I’m sorry over and over and over again.
They stayed like that for what seemed like forever, yet it felt like it was over in mere seconds when they pulled away. Ronan wiped the tears away from Jamie’s eyes with the pads of his thumbs and then swiped at his own. He pulled back a bit to give Jamie space and saw Andy stand up from the couch in the living room. Andy had crossed his arms over his chest, and he looked nervous. Jamie looked behind him when he realized Ronan’s eyes weren’t focused on him.
Andy took a few steps toward them, close enough for him to be heard when he spoke quietly, obviously feeling abashed. “I’m sorry I misunderstood what you have. It wasn’t my place to say anything.”
Ronan shook his head and drew Jamie into his side. “Don’t apologize for wanting to defend your best friend. This is my fault, not yours. Okay, Andy?”
Andy’s shoulders sagged in relief as he nodded. “Yes, okay.”
Jamie turned toward him and Ronan glanced down to him as Andy walked into his bedroom, giving them some privacy. “We need to talk. I have a lot to say and, according to Brad, a lot of groveling to do. Do you feel comfortable coming home with me?”
Jamie’s brows creased in confusion. “Of course, I feel comfortable coming home with you.” His expression morphed into frustration when he said, “Please tell me you didn’t think I was ending us.”
Ronan shook his head. “No, that wasn’t—” He cut himself off and looked down at the floor, knowing he needed to be honest. “I didn’t think you were ending our relationship, but I wouldn’t blame you if it crossed your mind.”
“Ronan, Andy explained what he’d said to you, and I’m sorry if—”
Ronan placed his fingers over Jamie’s lips and shook his head. “We’ll talk about that when we get home, but I’m not blaming him for any of this, all right?”
Jamie nodded and Ronan continued, “Do you need to talk to Andy more? Is he okay?”
“No, he’s okay. He just had a really bad visit with his parents, and I wanted to be there for him. He seems to be fine now, but I think he’s shut his mind off so he could stop hurting. I’ll be checking in with him over the next week or so, just to be sure he’s doing all right. My bag is already packed. I’ll go grab it.”
As they rode down in the elevator, Ronan explained how he’d gotten there and Jamie smiled. “Remind me to thank him.”
Ronan smiled back at him and clasped Jamie’s hand, feeling something click into place as soon as he was touching Jamie again. He didn’t want to talk about anything on the way home. He needed to face Jamie and look in his eyes as he explained what was going on with him. It seemed Jamie felt the same as he chatted about the type of people Andy’s parents were and what had transpired during their visit. By the time they were pulling up to the house, Ronan had a deeper understanding of why Andy found refuge in h
is art so much. He doubted he’d ever meet Andy’s parents, but he already had a healthy anger brewing on his behalf.
As they walked into the house, Jamie stopped in his tracks when he saw the dirty dishes on the dining table, the empty bottle of Crown on the coffee table, and his blanket on the floor making it pretty clear where he’d spent his night. Instead of getting angry about how Ronan had decided to cope with their fight, Jamie just looked sad.
When he approached the dining table to clear it off, Ronan clasped his hands and pulled him away. “That’s not for you to deal with. I’ll clean up my messes, Jamie.”
Ronan hadn’t meant for that to have a double meaning, but he realized it did at the same time Jamie did. The look of complete acceptance and trust he received from Jamie nearly brought him to his knees. He took the few steps it took to reach the boy and bent down to press his forehead against Jamie’s. When Ronan lifted his head, he kissed Jamie’s. “Go on and put your stuff in the bedroom. If you want to quickly unpack it so you don’t have to do it later, go ahead. I’ll clean up in here a bit. At least, enough for us to be comfortable using the couch.”
Jamie nodded and headed off toward their bedroom. Ronan folded the blanket and fixed the cushions on the couch. He made quick work of the tumbler and empty bottle, then stacked everything on the lunch plates and put everything in the sink. When Jamie hadn’t returned by then, Ronan managed to quickly get everything scraped off and into the dishwasher. He put more water in the electric kettle and turned it on to make them some tea, bringing out Jamie’s favorite biscuits as well.
He was just carrying the tea and biscuits over to the coffee table when Jamie walked in. He’d changed into sweats and a long-sleeved tee. Jamie picked up his tea and sat down in the middle of the couch, making Ronan breathe a sigh of relief he didn’t sit at the opposite end. Ronan sat in the corner of the sectional and turned to face Jamie, their knees touching. Just that reminder of what their normal felt like had some of the stress falling from his shoulders.
Ronan took a deep breath and dove right in. “I have a lot to make up for and a lot to explain, but I’m going to start with something I should have shared with you already. Honestly, it never felt like an important piece of my past until I spoke with Brad. I didn’t know how much it was affecting me, and in ways I didn’t even understand.”
Jamie nodded and slid a bit closer, clasping his hand. Ronan pulled Jamie’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of it before resting their hands on his thigh. “I’ve told you most of my dating history already. I dated quite a bit while I was at university, but almost everyone I dated felt the same way I did. We were young and not looking for anything permanent. When my practice was in its infancy, and I was deeply entrenched in the local BDSM scene here, I met a man named Tobias. You may remember his name from when we were talking about our past relationships.”
Jamie nodded and his curls bounced, beckoning Ronan’s fingers to touch the soft strands. He played with Jamie’s fingers with his other hand. Just being able to touch him again meant more than he could ever express. “But while I mentioned him, I never went into the specifics. He wasn’t my first serious relationship, but he was the only other man I’ve ever lived with. I hadn’t built this place yet. We’d been dating for a couple years by the time I asked him to move in. His lease was about to end, and I think it was more a matter of convenience, because he was always at my place anyway, rather than a deep love. It sounds so clinical now. At the time, I thought I was in love, but after falling for you, I know how wrong I was.”
Ronan continued to run his fingers through Jamie’s loose curls…something they both enjoyed immensely. “Anyway, he’d been with me for a couple years, and I started talking about building my dream house up here. I didn’t see it then, but that was when his behavior began to change. Months went by and I thought everything was fine. We’d scened with other couples. His kink was different than yours, but it was what we both enjoyed. Or, at least, that’s what I thought. One day, I came home and he was gone. The only thing remaining of him was a short letter he’d left that basically amounted to him saying I refused to be monogamous, and he didn’t want to be with a man who refused to commit.”
“Did he ask you for monogamy?” The outrage on Jamie’s face had Ronan smiling.
“No, he never did, but I took on the blame for our break-up because I was sure I’d missed his clues and just hadn’t been paying attention. I honestly never thought about this affecting the way I was treating you. It didn’t occur to me that the reason I was feeling scared of losing you was because I’d taken all that blame and internalized it. I assumed you’d want the same thing he claimed I could never give him.”
Jamie moved closer so his knee was resting on Ronan’s thigh. “So, you were worried I wasn’t as fully committed to our lifestyle as I said I was, and after Andy told you what you were doing to me was cheating, that must have only made things worse. Did you think I was just afraid to tell you I wanted to be monogamous with you? You have to know, I wouldn’t keep something like that from you. I’m submissive in the bedroom, Ronan, but not outside of it. When have I ever led you to believe I wouldn’t come to you if I wanted something to change?”
Ronan shook his head, having no excuse for his assumptions. “You haven’t. You’ve been steady since day one. But I think as time went by, and you became the most important person in the world to me, I started worrying you’d eventually want to stop what we do with others. And Jamie, I’d do it in a heartbeat if that’s what you wanted. No questions asked.”
Jamie raised a hand to Ronan’s cheek and scratched his nails over his short beard. “Don’t you think I know that? You’ve proven to me time and again that you’d do anything to make me happy. What we have, what we do with others, it makes me happy. It fulfills a part of me I didn’t even know I had. I’ve missed it. I thought I had done something wrong, or you didn’t want me involved with it any longer. I don’t know. I was so confused.”
“I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I should have seen what I was doing. I should have known I was projecting. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d leave me if I didn’t prove to you that you are the only one who matters. I thought I was giving you what you’d eventually ask for and you’d be happy about it.”
Jamie scowled. “From now on, you have to talk to me. This won’t work if you’re making decisions out of fear that I’ll leave. This has to be a partnership, Ronan. I can’t… I won’t be with you if you make decisions without me like this. And if you have fears, you’ve got to tell me. Don’t make assumptions. Do you know how scared I was to talk to you about what I desired? But you helped me see I wasn’t strange for what I enjoy. You helped me realize I shouldn’t feel shame for my preferences. I will do the same for you. If you’re scared, I will help ease your fears. If you’re confused about what I want, I’ll tell you exactly how I feel and what I want.”
Ronan couldn’t hold back anymore. He pulled Jamie into his lap. “I need to share my feelings with you and ask you what you want. I need to follow up my words with actions. Not just say we’re equal partners, but prove it to you with my behavior. And most of all I need to believe in the trust I have for you. Because I do trust you, Jamie. I’m so sorry I hurt you and that I didn’t see a way around my fear to share my thoughts with you. I promise I’ll do better next time, and when you ask me what’s wrong, I’ll do my best to share my thoughts and fears.”
Jamie nodded his head and clasped Ronan’s face, pulling him in for a gentle kiss. “I know you trust me, and I trust you as well. We’ll figure things out as we go, together. If I ever want monogamy from you, you’ll be the first to know.”
He rubbed his hand up and down Jamie’s side, and nodded. “Okay.”
Jamie gave him soft kisses. No more than a ghosting of their lips together. And though it made him want to pick the boy up and ravage him in their bedroom, he knew Jamie had more to say. Several kisses later, he finally continued, “It doesn’t make us any less
committed to each other. At the end of the day, we make each other happy, and that’s enough for me.”
“God, I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I’m sorry for what I did. While I can’t promise I won’t make mistakes again, I can promise that I won’t make decisions without you, and I’ll do my best to share my feelings with you.”
“I forgive you, and I trust that we can work through anything that comes up in the future. I love you, Ronan Kincaid.”
Ronan chuckled and kissed Jamie before saying, “I love you too, Jameson Gray.”
With that, Ronan was happy they’d gotten to the point where he could stand with his boy in his arms and take him to their bedroom. He planned on spending the rest of the day, all the night, and the following day proving to Jamie just how much he was loved. And making up for his transgressions, one kiss at a time.
JAMIE
Ronan had the lights Jamie had insisted they needed on the outside of the house installed by professionals. Ronan was certain—and he’d been correct—that Jamie was going to try to do it himself the first chance he got when Ronan wasn’t home. They’d chosen a soft, white light to trim the house, and the inside was shades of purple and blue.
Two weeks ago, Ronan and Jamie took a day off, closed the office, and spent all day decorating the house. They’d laughed and ate and ended up making love on the couch in front of the tree when all was said and done. It had been a perfect day.
They had planned a get-together on Christmas day for those of their clan who didn’t have family to spend the day with or their families were too far away. But Christmas Eve was just for the two of them. And Jamie couldn’t wait because that was when they’d be exchanging their gifts. He was more excited about Ronan opening his gift than he was about opening Ronan’s gift to him.
Jamie loved giving gifts to those he cared about. For years, he’d only had Andy to give presents to, and that was cool and all, but being able to give a gift to someone he was in love with meant the world to him.