by Anna Brooks
“Isn’t everything?”
“Pretty much.”
“You know, I can help you find auditions or whatever.”
She stands up with her half-eaten plate of food in hand. “No. I don’t want your help. I can do this on my own.”
“Nothing wrong with letting someone help you. Connections are everything in this life, and I’d be happy to—”
“No, Carter. I don’t want your help. I want to do it by myself. I don’t need handouts. Thank you, but no.”
My chest constricts, thinking about how fucking deep this girl already is. “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“By yourself?”
She simply nods, no arguments, but that’s enough to confirm my suspicion since she never actually said it before.
I lean back in my chair and cross my arms. “Not anymore.”
“Carter, I appreciate the offer, but like I said before, I don’t really know you. I would never ask you to do something like that.”
I toss back the rest of my juice and bring my dishes to the sink, setting them on top of hers. She doesn’t turn her body to face me, so I walk around, bending at the knees to see her face to face. “How are you supposed to get to know someone if you don’t get to know them? I barely know you, but what I do know I like a hell of a lot.” Even though I shouldn’t. “And plus, this world will chew you up; it’s a miracle it hasn’t already, but there’s no way I’m gonna let it. I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, so when I see an opportunity to make something better, I’m not going to let it pass me by… at least not with you.”
“I don’t want you to go through any trouble for me.”
“Trouble? You know what’s trouble?” I don’t give her a chance to answer. “Trouble is seeing you at the farmers market weeks ago and not being able to get you outta my head. It’s watching you talk to fuckin’ Farmer John and wondering if you’d be happier with some dude who wears a cowboy hat instead of one who drives a Jeep. It’s running into you and wanting to throw you over my shoulder and show you over and over again how fuckin’ gorgeous you are. It’s not being able to sleep last night ’cause the taste of you and the smell of you is on my tongue and in my brain, and it’s a sweetness that will not go away.”
It’s being afraid that I’ll leave here, and when I come back, she’ll be gone. Taking care of her would give me a fucking purpose again. Because I lost that years ago and thought I’d never get it back. But looking at her, I know she’s gonna give it back. She’s gonna give it all to me, and I’m gonna give her everything I possibly can even though I know deep down it’ll never be enough.
Chapter 5
Billie
For the first time in a very long time, I’m genuinely happy. And there’s more than one reason. As I’m getting ready for my job at the restaurant, I smile to myself, thinking that maybe today will be the day. Maybe it’ll be the last day that I’ll be a step closer to my dream. The last time I was this close was when I got a callback to be an extra on a TV show. But unfortunately, my asshole boss wouldn’t give me the day off, so I couldn’t go.
Small town girl comes to the big city and becomes a soap opera star. Maybe this small town girl can prove everyone wrong after all. Maybe I can make something of myself.
As I walk past Carter’s door, I’m laughing at the fact it is directly across the hall from mine, and I have to bite my lip to prevent the upturn. It’s crazy that I’ve never seen him in all the time I’ve lived here. But since we both work a lot, it’s not that unusual that we wouldn’t cross paths.
Last night was awesome. I had such a good time with him, and I’m glad I went against my instincts and let him in my space. And I don’t think I’ve ever had such a delicious omelet in my life than I did this morning. He left to go to work with the promise of calling me soon, and it excites me to know he feels for me what I am feeling for him.
God, last night was amazing. He made me laugh. And he made me feel safe while he was in my apartment. The normal fears that make my heart pound didn’t make my chest all shaky.
After I got over the fact that I basically passed out with him on my couch, I realized that last night, with him at my place, I wasn’t worried that the footsteps padding down the hallway were going to stop in front of my door to kick it down. I didn’t clutch the blanket to my chest at the thought that someone might climb up the fire escape to attack me as I was watching TV. But if they did, I felt like he’d protect me, and I’ve never had that with anybody in my entire life.
My mom tried her best to shield me, but she was barely half the size of my dad, so all it did was cause her more physical pain. The beatings he’d lay on her while he forced me to watch were worse than any physical pain he inflicted on me.
Any guys I was with back home were for one reason and one reason only. Anything other than that and they wouldn’t lift a finger to help me.
And my mother risked everything to give me a fresh start while she’s still living in that nightmare. I hope she’d be proud of me even though I’m just a waitress. Maybe I never will be more than that, but I’m at least free of him. This is what she wanted, and I know she’d be mad at me if I showed back up there. Though I think about it all the time because I miss her so badly.
For her sake, I don’t. I put one foot in front of the other and try my damnedest to make something of myself for her. Hopefully, one day I can go back there and get her away from him, just like she helped me. I’ve tried looking up some of the people from my old town online to see if I could find any information on my mom, but I haven’t had any luck.
The bus to the restaurant, as long as it’s on time, will take forty-five minutes to get me there, which right now is approximately five minutes before I’m supposed to start. But of course, today it’s not on time. My boss is such an asshole when I’m late, and today is no exception.
It’s not like I purposely try to be late, but my schedule is so wacky, and I can’t help it if the bus is running behind. I don’t have enough money to take a taxi or call an Uber, so yeah, sometimes I’m a few minutes late. But I always stay after if I need to. I pick up extra shifts if someone is sick. And I’ve never called in once in the almost two years I’ve worked here.
“Billie, you’re late.” Paxton walks into the staff lounge where I’m tying my apron around my waist.
“I know. I’m really sorry the bus—”
“I don’t care about the bus. When your shift is over, you need to come and see me in my office.” He slams the door as he walks out.
One of the other waitresses, Savannah, rolls her eyes. “Ever since he came back from Chicago and started working here permanently, he’s been even dickier than normal. Most of us have been looking for different jobs, but you can’t beat the money here. Don’t sweat it.”
“Thanks.” I leave the room and really try not to let him ruin my excitement for the audition tonight. Definitely didn’t mention to him that I was trying out for the show; otherwise, I know he’d have made me work late.
I bust my ass with my tables and, when my shift finishes at five, right before dinner service starts, I cross my heart and pray to God that the one table I have left finishes their meal and doesn’t order dessert. I need them to be done so I can leave. Worst thing ever that could happen tonight is me being late.
Finally, at five thirty-seven, they walk out. I rush to change into a nice pair of black pants and a cream blouse that tucks into the high waist. The pair of black pumps I’m wearing makes me a few inches taller and gives me the confidence I need. I hurry to Paxton’s office and quietly knock. I splurged on a cab for the evening, and they’re coming at six on the dot.
“Come in.”
I step in his office, and he lifts his head, then motions for me to come all the way in. “Close the door.”
I do as he says, then lean against it. He devours me with his eyes, the beady things making my skin crawl.
“Sit.”
Again, I do as he says and wait for him to lectur
e me. Wouldn’t be the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last.
“Ms. Bishop, I’m afraid I can’t tolerate your tardiness.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to fix it.”
I clear my throat as he stands. “I will try better to get here on time.” What the hell does he want me to say?
As he walks around his desk, I sit up straighter but keep my eyes forward. His hand touches my shoulder, and I jump. “I’m afraid that’s not going to work.”
Shrugging it off, I stand. “What will work, then?” I really don’t want to lose this job.
“Hmm.” He rubs his hand over his jaw and pushes the chair out of the way, then crowds me into his desk. “I can think of a couple of things that could turn my mood around.”
Panic swells in my skin, making it itch as he presses his body into mine. “Please step back.”
He lifts his hand, pressing a finger to my lips. “You’re very talented, Billie. And I see it. I know you want to be a star, and I can help you.” His other hand settles on my waist. “But if I do that for you, what can you do for me?”
“I can get here on time,” I mumble behind his finger.
He chuckles, then drags his finger across my jaw and down the side of my body, grazing my breast and stopping opposite his other hand. “That’s just not good enough.” He yanks my body toward him, digging his erection into my belly.
“Let me go,” I demand, but with the way my voice quivers, I doubt he even heard me.
His hands slide around to my behind, and he grinds me into him. “I can think of something else where you can show me your talents. Let me assess your skills.”
“Please let me go.”
“Aww, Billie. I’m afraid if I do that without getting something in return, I’m gonna have to let you go in the way I know you really don’t want me to.”
The sour from the lemon water I drank earlier today tears away at the lining of my stomach. I’ve never had this. Nobody’s ever touched me this way. My dad hit me. He punished me with his belt, his hand, whatever he could get those hands on, but never like this. I’d rather be punched in my gut, then have my stomach turn like it is right now. “Get your hands off me.”
He does the exact opposite and brings them up to cup my breasts, his fingers pinching painfully at my nipples. “It’s a shame your apron covers these. I may have to invest in different uniforms. I like this outfit you have on.”
“Stop.” My lower back stings from the pressure he’s putting on it as I’m smashed between him and the desk.
“Last chance, Billie. Convince me I should continue putting up with your tardiness.” He grunts as he pushes against me again, and I dry heave.
“Let. Me. Go.”
He narrows his eyes at me, drops his hands, and then steps back. “Get your things and leave.”
I run out of here as fast as I can. Through the back alley and around the corner, I find my cab and tell him where to go. When he pulls away, I drop my head in my hands and take deep breaths until I get my shit together enough to fake my way through the audition.
I arrive and try to put on my best face, and I’m super thankful there’s an interview first so I can try to clear my head. I sit across from a couple of men as they ask me questions about my life. I leave out most everything and simply tell them I’m a waitress waiting for a break.
They do have me read some lines, which I mess up horrible. I keep feeling Paxton’s hands on me. Keep worrying I’m going to be jobless and homeless because of it. “I’m sorry.” I apologize to the men, and they simply smile at me, professional enough to not laugh in my face.
Carter
“Dude. Are you listening?”
I shake my head, thoughts of Billie completely blocking out what Erik just said to me. “Yeah, sorry.”
“What’s your deal? You’ve been acting weird for the past few weeks.”
I’m not sure if he knows what happened between Gio and me or not. “Just got some shit goin’ on.”
“Anything I can do?” He closes the file folder and leans back in the chair. We were having a meeting, and I was going over everything for the senator’s auction I’ve been working on.
I shake my head. “Nothing anybody can do.”
“What’s her name?”
Raising a brow, I ask, “Why would you assume it’s a woman?”
“Because I’m smart.”
“Modest, too.” I laugh.
“Well, you trying to beat the shit out of Gio didn’t help. And missing your sparring session this morning kind of gave it away, too.”
I rap my knuckles on the edge of the mahogany table. “You guys have vaginas or some shit? Jesus. Bunch of fuckin’ gossips.”
“We fucking care, Carter. I know the whole situation fucks with your head, I know that, but you’ve never flown off half-cocked like that before. Never missed a session. So it can only mean it’s because of a woman. And my guess? You found one, but you can’t let go of Zoe or the guilt you feel for what happened to her even though it’s not your fault.”
I grind my teeth together and stand, not about to have this conversation with my boss.
“Do you know how long it took me to think that I was any good for Polly?”
I shrug. “Nope.”
“I fought with myself forever. Wasted time denying what we could be because of me fucking up in the past. Because of me not protecting—”
“Not the same,” I interrupt him. We all know the story of how Erik’s parents died. His father, Ace Anderson, started this company, and Erik went through some shit for a long time. Polly finally snapped him out of his self-destruction, and he’s been a different person ever since.
“There’s more to it than you know, Car. I lost way more than my parents. I failed multiple times. Lived with that guilt for years, man. But Polly made me realize that it’s possible to move on from that shit.”
I huff out a breath. “Good for you.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Shut up.”
“It wasn’t. I don’t know who the new girl is, but I can tell you this. If you don’t get your head outta your ass, she’ll slip away.”
My hands fist at my sides. “She’d be better off without me.”
“Then walk away from her.”
Can’t. I can’t not see her again. “She needs someone to have her back. I can do that.”
“But you want more, and it’s tearing you apart because you can’t move past Zoe.”
I have to look away from him. “She deserves better, but I don’t want to walk away to let her find it.”
“Then stay.”
“It’s not that simple because when she finds out—”
“Carter, it was a fucking accident. There was absolutely nothing anybody, any one of us, could have done differently in that situation. You can’t control everything, but what you can do when you find someone is let go of the guilt so you can give her what she needs.”
He grabs his file and walks out of the room, leaving me to contemplate his lecture. I put my hand on my hips and tilt my head up to stare at the ceiling. “Fuck.”
“Hey, dipshit.” Gio sticks his head in the room. “I’ve got a half hour, you wanna get in some ring time?”
Hell yes, I do. “Meet you there in five.”
I lock my office before I change, then meet him in the ring where he gets me back for the other day. Forty minutes later, I limp to the parking lot, my leg killing me from where he kicked it, even though he knows I have a fucking metal rod in it, and head home.
Billie should be getting back soon, so I leave my door open and thumb through my phone at the kitchen table where I can see out into the hallway. Maybe if I wasn’t such a closed-off bastard who locked himself away, both physically and mentally, I’d have had the opportunity to get to know her sooner. But because I’m a dumb fuck, who knows how much time I lost out on with her.
Two years?
God, If I could have had the past two years with her … I curse myself for being such an idiot. Erik’s words from earlier replayed, and I allowed myself to at least hear him. I know he’s right; I’m just not sure if I’m ready to accept it.
I putz around on my phone until eight sixteen, when she emerges from the stairs and rushes to her place. And it hits me how much I fuckin’ missed her today. I knew it when I was away from her because I couldn’t stop thinking about her, but seeing her right now, I realize just how damn much. Not even twenty-fours away from her, and I can’t stand it. I immediately want to pull her into my arms, but I refrain when I see the tension in her shoulders. “What happened?” I ask, a little harsher than I meant to as I meet her in the hallway.
She jumps at my voice and shakes her head. “Nothing.” She wipes her face, and I grab her chin, tilting her head up.
“You’re crying. That’s not nothing.” And I want to fix it. I will fix it. By God, I want to take away all her tears and crush whoever hurt her.
She pushes past me and digs into her purse. When she comes out with the keys, I hear the jangle of them as her hand shakes while she unlocks the door. I grab the food from my place and close my door, then follow her into her apartment.
“Why are you here, Carter?” She tosses her purse on the table.
Not sure if she’s playing games or not… being sweet as pie this morning, then this bitter brush-off right now. I don’t think she has it in her to mess around like that, so instead of getting pissed at the attitude, I tell her the truth. “I wanted to feed you and see you again.”
“I’m not hungry, and I need to take a shower.”
She’s stopped crying, but there’s no denying the shiver of her body. “Talk to me. What happened? Who hurt you?” I grit my teeth together as I wait for her to answer, fully prepared to get retribution.
The only answer I get is a quick shake of her head, but it’s not convincing at all. When I left her this morning, I thought she was willing to let me look out for her.
“Okay, so this is where we’re at. I care about you. A lot. And right now, I care that you’re crying, and it makes me ragey that someone did something to you. You can trust me. I want you to trust me because I can tell, could tell from the moment I saw you, that you were lonely. You need somebody who’s got your back. Let me be that person.”