“But—”
“Lucinda, listen closely to me. You have always been very special to me. That is why, when you became ill, I removed you from the fields, had you nursed to health, and then placed you in charge of all our transmissions into the capital. Do you think I would have done such a thing if I didn’t hold you in the highest esteem? Would I have made you a signatory on all our foreign accounts, allowed you to travel to so many places? Have I not shown you how special you are to me?” He sighed. “You are powerful, smart, envied by many.” I was?
“And presently you are extremely tired. It is because of your hard work and selfless dedication that you have faltered. This is only an aberration, a momentary and understandable slip. I was convinced when the others told me not to send you, that they were mistaken, jealous of my trust in you. Karen was resentful, Maria didn’t want you here near me because she was threatened by my feelings for you. It was I who constantly extolled your abilities, the insights you had on the radio, your concrete and useful suggestions in crises. Did you think I hadn’t noticed how diligently you worked in the fields? I was proud when Lee reported your exceptional dedication to hard work, even as you became ill.” Lee? Lee had promoted me? With all my sniveling about the bugs in my syrup? What had I done to him now? Would he, too, be blamed?
“Of course, neither Karen nor Maria feels any animosity now. They love you, too, and miss you.” Really? “Karen wrote me to say she thinks you are doing a marvelous job there.” His voice seemed suddenly tighter. “Do you remember what Lorina did? How she put the entire organization at risk?” His voice softened again. “You would never have done such a thing. You have had many occasions where you could have, but your understanding of our purpose and your integrity would not have allowed you to sully our work as Lorina did.”
There was a long silence and I wondered if I was supposed to say something.
“Lucinda! Do you understand what she did wrong? It isn’t that she had a relationship with a man. I condone such things. You could have had one with your husband, but you chose not to. No, what she did was contemptible. She had no reason to allow herself to be defiled by that man. Her only excuse was that she fell in love.” His voice became more shrill as he relived the altercation. “What is that word? What evil monstrosities have befallen civilization under the guise of love? No, only her selfish needs and capitalistic desires put this project in harm’s way. Tell me, Lucinda, how could anyone love an outsider? Someone who doesn’t believe in our objectives, doesn’t have our dedication and commitment to life. Tell me, after all you know, that Lorina did not deserve her scolding?”
I imagined the radio room: Jim at the controls, sitting stiffly, seething at the microphone tightly clutched in his pale, swollen hand, spittle flying from his hisses, Maria and Carolyn on the day-bed watching. I was certain Maria felt vindicated for her old dislike of me and poor Carolyn must have been wondering why and how I could have deceived her. I could see the armed guards standing nearby, outside the room, at heightened alert, eager to know which “asshole-traitor” had put their lives at risk this time. But as always, Father would be keeping the defector’s identity a secret, hoping to bring him or her back. He would not let the others know it was me … not yet. The defection of one so trusted, so close and devoted to Father might ignite second thoughts in their minds.
Feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond, I tried again, too anxious to stay in code.
“I do believe that structure is good, and I needed it when I joined. It helped me grow. But it’s not helpful anymore. People are afraid to speak freely and honestly for fear of retribution. There is no freedom. It is not the dream world they came to so willingly. Jonestown is not the Promised Land they envisioned. Tell me why letters from families in America are not allowed to be delivered there? What is so dangerous about a note from a loved one?”
“I’m worried about your logic. Tell me, why do you think it is? Because,” he yelled into the radio, “those people are not with us. They are part of the system that oppresses us. Have you forgotten your socialism so soon? If they are not with us, they’re against us! Oh, my soldier, all you need is sleep right now. A short rest here with me, and you’ll be back to normal.” He paused. “And tell me, darling, have you ever thought about your mother? Does this freedom you wish for permit you to leave her?”
I was silent.
“It will kill her, Lucinda.” His voice was hoarse. “She is already sooo weak.”
“But you don’t have to tell her. Don’t make her suffer for my selfishness,” I pleaded. I imagined Mama worrying about the defector, her fretting. Did she know it was my fault?
“How could we not? You’ve already made contact with your sister.”
“Wait … You don’t know that! What makes you believe that I contacted my sister?”
“The telegram, for one thing,” he sneered into the receiver.
“She doesn’t have any idea what’s going on. I’ve told her nothing. Please … can’t you just tell Mama I’ve returned to the United States to finish business?”
“My little warrior, Debbie, you’re exhausted,” Father consoled me. “You have been working too hard. You need to rest. Tell me, darling, where are you calling from?” His voice was slow and crackled with the frequency static.
“A friend’s house.”
“What’s the phone number there, so we can call you later?” he asked sweetly.
“I can’t tell you that … um, she’d be upset. I’ll call you.” I could almost feel his repulsion. I imagined him leaning back, away from the radio, as if to get further away from my voice. But he persisted.
“So tell me, Lucinda, what other reasons do you have for leaving?”
“Well, I know you’re going to think it sounds strange … because I’ve never admitted this publicly before.” I took a deep breath. “I want to have a family. Yes, I know what you think, that the nuclear family is a selfish concept; how could people be so small-minded, wanting just their own tiny family? I realize there are too many children who have been orphaned and forgotten, who need adoption and guidance, but I want my own, too.”
His voice was no longer soft. “Lucinda! Have you taken leave of your senses? How egocentric and naïve! Do you think you can find happiness fulfilling this myopic dream? Are you so ignorant to believe anyone will want you? I am the one who saved you. I took you into my heart, my mind, and my confidence. You are my soldier, my creation. Do you think you would have been in a position to even have these thoughts if I had not taught you? It’s been under my tutelage that you have blossomed, through my eyes that you discovered this world. Do you think you can ever go back to the way it was before? The CIA has you on a list, the FBI is waiting to imprison you. Do you honestly believe you can walk away from the greatest purpose on this earth and not reel from the consequences? You’ll rue this day forevermore. I will never allow you to forget … What … What is your little mind saying? That I cannot? Have you forgotten my powers? They will haunt you forever.” Would they? Last night I had dreamed I was carrying Mama away from the darkness toward an open space, to safety …
“And, so, my weak-hearted warrior, what do you think will become of your mother and brother?”
My heart began to pound in absolute terror. No! It was not their fault. I could hardly hear his driveling anymore. Dan glanced over, alarmed by my sudden rigidity.
“Do you think Larry will forgive you for killing his mother?” Father continued. “Do you think he will ever live peacefully here, knowing his sister has pushed the possibility of our existence nearer to the edge? He shall be outcast. Forced into depravity because of your selfish defection.” Oh God, how could I do this to them? “Tell me, when did they make contact with you? The CIA? How much have they paid you to betray your mother? Don’t try, don’t even contemplate trying to contact Larry in San Francisco … I am warning you now, do not contact anyone in the States. You know all too well, Lucinda, from your own labors in the past. We will follow, track, ho
und, and silence you. …” My heart stopped.
“But, darling.” His voice became silky sweet, a welcome respite from his bellowing. “You still have a chance. You still have time to redeem yourself. Oh, Lucinda, my darling, how I have loved and molded you in my image. Think about what your actions will do to us, to me, on my birthday. Can you betray the only man who ever loved you, on my forty-seventh birthday? Come back here, to Jonestown, and tell me your reasons. I will listen attentively. I want you to tell me how to improve life in the Promised Land. Come back and tell your mother to her face why you want to desert her. We all deserve to hear you explain yourself, in person.” His voice was plaintive. Oh, Father, had I fallen so low? In a flash, had I become a conspirator, a wretched, murderous capitalist? Had Dan noticed too? He looked somber; he was frowning. Had everyone seen it, my filth, my weakness? The ease with which I was willing to sacrifice other people’s lives for my own selfish fulfillment?
“I can’t do that, Father.”
“Then wait and talk to Marsha,” his real wife’s, Marcie’s, code name.
“Right now, on the radio?”
“No, she’ll come to the capital and talk with you.” Why Marcie? Because she was kind and I wouldn’t fear her hurting me? Would someone come in with her? Someone Marcie didn’t realize would harm me? I could imagine our meeting: she’d beg me to stay, then a sudden scuffle. Marcie would yell for it to stop but it would be over quickly. I would be comatose and ready for transport back in, to Father.
“When? How soon?”
“In a week. Can you wait a week with your plans? Wait and talk to Marsha. Wait for us to finalize the plans with Shirley next month.” His voice soothing again, he wanted me to reconsider and give in.
“In a month?”
“Lucinda, sweetheart, can’t you wait until we have our beloved children safely there?”
“I don’t know.” Could I wait to save the lives of the children? “Jim, I just don’t know.”
“Don’t go to Rex [U.S.A.] … go to Elsie [England] instead. Rex will arrest you. I don’t want to see you go to prison for what you’ve done in the past.”
“You mean, just show up on Elsie’s doorstep?”
“We’ll assist you with Maria [finances].”
“Okay, what do you want me to do?” I felt besieged, I was wavering. I shouldn’t have called, I wasn’t going to be able to go on with this. Jesus, what would Dan think when I told him I couldn’t leave yet?
“Exactly what will I do at Elsie’s?”
“From Elsie’s go to Shirley [Russia].”
“You mean you trust me, after everything I’ve done in the last twenty-four hours, to go to Elsie’s, then Shirley’s?”
Dan handed me a note in large print.
“IT’S TIME TO GO.”
“Yes, you can help us from there with immigration. Lucinda, I trust you …” His voice was melodic and soothing. He did care about me. “I think you’re just very paranoid right now … very, very tired. You need rest, my precious. I have never stopped trusting you.”
“Okay. I’ll go to Elsie’s. But what will I do there? I have no money.” There was a long silence. Warning bells went off in my head and I suddenly realized he was taping me. He was waiting for me to ask for money. He would say that I blackmailed the group for “quiet” money, in return for my silence.
“I have no money,” I repeated. “Where will I stay?”
“Once you’re in Elsie’s parlor [England], go to Shirley’s house [the Russian Embassy]. We will arrange for them to help you.”
“Okay, I’ll fly to Elsie’s,” I responded, completely uncertain of what I was saying.
Dan pushed another note in front of me: “WE’VE GOT TO LEAVE.” I wanted to go home. Annalisa was waiting for me. I needed to tell the consul that I would be arrested, handcuffed, shackled, and taken into custody.
“I’ve got to go now.”
“Wait … Lucinda … I trust you. Will you call me in six hours?”
“Yes, I will call in six hours.” Maybe they wouldn’t follow me anymore.
“Why do you have to go now, darling?” Father’s voice was loving, concerned.
“I just have to,” I pleaded.
“Yes. Well then, we’ll talk again in six hours.” His voice was forgiving. “Until then, Lucinda.”
“Over and out, Father.”
Dan jumped up and grabbed my arm. “What was all that about? Shirley, Elsie, Rex … sounds like a plot for a B movie. C’mon! It’s after two-thirty.” I grabbed my cigarettes and a mango from the tray and followed Dan out the back door. The car was concealed from view. I climbed into the backseat, curled up into a pill-bug, and remained motionless until we were safely out of town.
“Where’s the consul?” I called from the backseat.
“Coming later. Hell meet us there. I wanna make sure you’re on time. Join me up front. It’s safe.”
“Sure no one followed us?”
Dan looked into his mirror to double-check. “We’re fine. You’ll get some sleep on the plane,” he remarked as if in mid-thought. I liked him … even if he did bungle things.
As we pulled into the airport parking lot, I carefully scanned the area, scrutinizing the color and shape of each vehicle.
“Funny, I don’t see the van. They’re not out here. I wonder where they are?”
“Maybe they aren’t going to follow you.” Dan grabbed his briefcase from the floor next to my feet. “Coming? I want to reconfirm your emergency status on the wait list.”
“Can I wait in the car?”
“You feel safe enough, alone?”
“Safer than inside.” Dan checked to make sure all four doors were locked, then headed swiftly into the terminal. Partially crouched down in the front seat, I kept a steady lookout for any activity in the lot. No new cars pulled in and none left. But I knew they were there.
Dan rapped at the window. It seemed as if he had only been gone for seconds.
“All set. You’re listed. Now we’ll wait for Dick to arrive.”
Relieved, I bit into the warm, sun-baked ham sandwich Dan had packed for me.
And then I felt her before I even saw her.
“They’re here.” My stomach tightened. “Someone just walked into the airport terminal.”
“How do you know it’s them?”
“Just do.”
The consul’s car drove up and took the empty space next to us. He got out, waved to us, and hurried into the terminal. His wife stayed to accompany Dan and me.
“I’m Dick’s wife. You’re a courageous young woman,” she smiled, and put her arms around my shoulder. “Here is a sweater and jeans-jacket so you won’t freeze on the plane. I’m glad Dick was able to get you on his flight. It’s better than your being alone.” She handed me a piece of paper. “Here’s our phone number and address in Washington. When you get settled, please drop us a note and let us know how you’re doing.” We followed the consul to the ticket counter, Dan behind me, protecting my back.
“Let’s go! Time to check in through Customs.” The consul grabbed my arm and kissed his wife’s lips inches above my head. Pushing me ahead of him, he led us to the front of the line, and into the face of the Customs agent. The consul flashed his official passport and was ushered around me into the restricted area. I didn’t like being left alone.
“Yes, miss?” The agent looked down at me. “Your passport, please.”
“I have everything you need this time,” I smiled at my former adversary.
“And of course, I will just need ten dollars,” he retorted.
“I don’t have any money.”
“Can’t get through without the transfer fee.” He raised his eyebrows. Dan fidgeted in his pocket, then looked frantically around for the consul’s wife.
“Next, please.” The agent summoned the passenger behind me.
“Wait … I have to get on this flight!”
“Yes. Your father’s ill … I know this already. However, I must
have your transfer fee.”
I could see Dan running about furiously. I watched in disbelief as the gentleman behind me took my place. My heart began to sink when Dan came rushing back over with an American ten-dollar bill.
“Ten, Guyanese!” the agent scoffed. Not again. Not today. They couldn’t keep me off this plane, too. There was a slight commotion as the consul’s wife stepped forward and hurriedly exchanged Dan’s American bill for a Guyanese bill.
“Good-bye, Debbie.” Dan grabbed me and kissed my cheek. “Promise me you’ll sleep on the plane?”
I hugged him back, too embarrassed to kiss him.
“Good luck, honey.” He waved.
Moving through the Customs area into the “Passengers Only” section, I looked for the consul. I wanted to be near him. Suddenly, someone grabbed my shoulder from behind.
“Debbie, please don’t do this to us! We love you … Jim loves you.” Karen put her head on my neck and began to cry uncontrollably. Poor Karen, I thought. She really cares. Her sobs were getting to me. I rubbed her back and tried to comfort her. When she pulled away to look at me, I was shocked. Her eyes were bloodshot red and completely dry. Two sleepless nights—not a trace of affection or sorrow—were emanating from her stare.
“How can you do this to Jim … on his birthday?”
She pulled back from me, realizing she wasn’t going to reach me, and abruptly walked away. That was all? I couldn’t believe it. I saw the consul sitting in a window seat, waving to his wife. Dan was beside her, watching me, and I waved to him, relieved I was almost on the plane. Suddenly I saw Dan’s arms motioning to me and he was running toward the Customs agent, trying to gain access to me. Abruptly, a hand grabbed my arm. It was Beth. Not even the American Embassy had the power of Jim Jones in this country.
Beth seemed angry at first but it was feigned and the rage quickly disappeared from her face.
“Why? Why didn’t I realize it?” Hugging me tightly, she began to weep.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Oh, Debbie. I’m not supposed to be crying. Shit! Karen will see me. I’m supposed to be yelling at you,” she whispered through the tears. “Please, Debbie! Just wait. Wait till we can get the children to safety, into Russia. For my sake, for Chioke’s … for the sake of our friends.”
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