Her eyes blurred and then she was moaning and coming apart in his arms. He didn’t want to let go, not yet. Everything had happened so fast and he’d promised her he’d go slow. What if this was all they’d have? It couldn’t be over yet.
But his body wouldn’t listen. The tight coil of lust inside him sprung loose and he rocketed upward, shouting her name.
****
She woke on her stomach in the center of the mattress, her face smashed in a pillow that smelled of spicy cologne and crisp soap. Dash. Sex so good she’d be reliving—or cursing—it for the rest of her life.
Groaning, she turned her head and noted the room was dark. In early January, sunset came early and apparently she’d slept the day away. Luckily she didn’t have work tonight because she still felt vaguely loopy.
Did Dash’s penis contain some sort of mysterious relaxant? She hadn’t slept that well in…well, ever. It was like a hot love injection or something. Knocked her right out and left her grinning even now, hours later.
She rose up on her elbows and narrowed her eyes as she noticed the trio of lit candles on the dresser. Lit candles? In a fireman’s house? Notable lapse with the smoke alarms last night aside, he wouldn’t have gone to work and left those on. She was a little surprised he even owned candles. He could be sweet, but setting a mood usually wasn’t at the top of his list.
Guess there was a first time for everything, since she’d never come in three-point-three seconds before last night either.
“Evenin’, sexy.” Dash’s voice slid over her as smoothly as butter caramel and made her shiver. Somehow he’d crept into the room without her noticing. And now he was kissing her back, his mouth soft and rousing all at once.
The lump that grew in her throat annoyed her, mostly because she knew that meant tears weren’t far behind. Crying over guys was such a cliché. Especially when she suspected she would be the reason she had to cry about him at all.
“Sorry I’m still here. Apparently you put me under with that sucker punch last night.”
“Plus two sucker punches this morning.” He worked his way up between her shoulder blades and separated her hair to plant warm kisses on the back of her neck. “Ready for more?”
Oh no. That wouldn’t do. Not when sanity was starting to return and with it, all the reasons why this couldn’t be anything but a one-night-stand.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” she asked softly, hoping maybe she could reason with him. He was just riding the post-sex high, as she was. With time and space apart, they’d both realize that they were better off as friends. Or even less, because he’d cut her out of his life since she’d left the squad. And one night of amazing sex wasn’t bringing her back.
She couldn’t go back.
“Yes, I do. After the day I’ve had, I think it even more.”
The mattress shifted as he lay down beside her. He’d already stripped down to his boxers and the white undershirt he habitually wore under his fire gear. The scent of smoke made her snap her gaze to his. “Was there a call today? Is that why you left?” she asked, knowing the answer.
The sudden spurt of fear only made her more pissed off. She knew the job, had lived it for five years. Just because it wasn’t hers anymore didn’t give her the right to be afraid for him. It was stupid. He wasn’t hers to worry over.
But he could be…
“Yeah.” He stroked her hair then sighed and locked his arms behind his head. “Down on Quarry Road. Seemed like the usual kids playing with matches deal in a back bedroom. Small fire, pretty easy to contain.”
“Why’d they call you in? Weren’t you off-duty?”
“Greg’s dog sick. Something about bad shellfish that just hit him this morning.”
She snorted, grateful to have something to focus on rather than the story she hadn’t let him finish. “Either that or he tripped over some tail.”
“Yeah, well, I pulled duty. We’d cleaned it up and put out the fire, no problem. Then the floor fell in.” His flat delivery only emphasized the stark reality of the situation. One she only knew too well. “It wasn’t like with you. Just one section broke off and Mitch hung on. We got him out. But that moment when he was hanging there between the slats of broken wood brought it all back. Your scream, looking down to see you on your stomach with your leg bent out to the side…” His shudder made her want to comfort him and let him soothe her in return. But the pain of the memory kept her rooted in place. “All this time I’ve been so mad at you.”
“No kidding,” she said drily.
“But maybe you were right to get out. Maybe you knew enough to heed the wakeup call the rest of us weren’t smart enough to take.”
She couldn’t be hearing him right. “What?”
Dash might not have been born into firefighting like she was as the daughter of the chief and his father before him, but he had it in his blood just like she did. When they raced off to a fire together, she’d glimpsed the same determination in his eyes that burned in her gut. Some thrill junkie cowboys got into the game for the kudos or the chicks. She didn’t care, as long as they did the job. But that wasn’t the man lying beside her. He’d become a firefighter to help people. To make a difference. He’d grown up with the images of 9/11 in his head like so many of their generation, and he’d wanted to give something back in his hometown. Imagining him walking away didn’t only seem improbable, it seemed like—
A setup.
“You’re bullshitting me,” she said in a low voice. “And if you are, you better end it now.”
“I’m not,” he insisted, cupping her chin. “You never fully explained why you left but I know you must’ve had your reasons. Maybe you were right. This isn’t the job for someone who’s not there all the way, who can’t give their heart and soul and lay it on the line every day. You’re heading toward thirty. You must be feeling that maternal tick-tock, right? Your ovaries shrieking or whatever?”
“Your balls are about to shriek,” she muttered, torn between slugging him and getting the hell out of there. How dare he question her commitment to the job? When she’d been on it, she’d given everything she had every frigging moment. And maternal tick-tock? What the fuck was that all about? Did he think because they’d done it a few times that she was seeing picket fences and rosy-cheeked babies in onesies?
“I’m just saying I get it. Even Mitch had a scare today and you know how solid he is. I think I can understand why you’d turn to tending bar instead. It’s a safer, more stable job.”
“Is that so? I’ve been punched twice since I started bartending. That never happened once in five years of firefighting. Last night I got a face full of tequila. Safe isn’t the word I’d use.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ll give it up when you decide to settle down. You know, to stay home with the kids.”
“I don’t have any kids,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m not the stay-at-home mother type. It was fine for my mom but I need to work. It’s all I’ve ever known.”
“I’m talking down the line. Once you get that all out of your system. Which reminds me.” He dug something shiny out of his pocket and her heart flipflopped as he held it out. Then she realized it was just a key. Thank you, God. “I had this made today.”
She couldn’t comprehend what she was hearing and seeing. Was Dash suffering from severe smoke inhalation or what? “What is that?” she asked.
“A key to my house. Jesus, Kemp, you’re still half-asleep, aren’t you?” Laughing, he ruffled her hair like a little kid while she plotted dismembering him limb-by-limb. “I want you to have it. You can give me one too, when you’re ready.”
It took everything she possessed to hold back her anger—and her fear. None of this made any sense. They’d never discussed anything like this. Not even close. “Is this the next step in me settling down with my brood?”
“No. It’s the next step for me, because I want more of you than slapping skin and the occasional stolen kiss when nobody’s watching. I don’t d
o things halfway, Kathleen.” His earnest expression was the only thing that saved him from her adding another horrible mental disfigurement to his already mangled body. He knew she hated being called Kathleen. Didn’t he?
At the moment she was questioning how much he knew about her at all.
“I didn’t sign on for any of this,” she said, tugging on the sheet as she rolled onto her back. It left her feeling rather like a pig in a blanket but she wasn’t about to flash him her bare breasts when she’d just been contemplating drizzling honey on his weenie and letting loose an ant farm. It didn’t seem right.
He wrapped an arm around her and she tried not to shudder. “I’m trying to be supportive.” His warm breath swept over her bare shoulder. “This has to have been so difficult for you, walking away from your whole support system for these past months.”
“Finally the man gets one right.” She folded her arms across her chest.
“I’m trying. I think we both agree that last night proved it’s time we take the next step. I’m not going to spend my life messing around when I know who I want. I assumed we’d always be on the job together, so maybe I didn’t buckle down and get as serious about our personal relationship as I should have. But you’ve taken the job off the table. Haven’t you? Because of your injury. You’re not comfortable fighting fires anymore,” he pressed.
She said nothing. If he didn’t get that she was no longer a firefighter, she couldn’t help him.
“So I’m saying that whenever you’re ready to move into the next phase of your life, I am too.” He rubbed her shoulder, his breath still wafting over her skin. Normally she would’ve found that sexy. He’d been chewing something wintergreen and his exhalations fluttered her hair seductively. But right now? It irritated her. He irritated her.
“What does all of that mean exactly?” she asked, struggling for patience.
“If you want to quit the bar and stay home, I’m up for that. You know I can provide for us both. And if you decide you’d rather still work to keep busy before the kids come, you know they have all those internet-based businesses. Like stuffing envelopes or maybe transcription. Something safe. Where you’ll be protected and can’t get hurt again.”
She jerked out from under his arm and glared in his general direction. She didn’t look right at him because if she did his nose would be in serious danger. “Look, I know you had a scare today. I’m sorry about that. Honestly hearing about it scared me too. But I would never say that you should stay home and do crossword puzzles because firefighting’s dangerous. If I really love you, I want you to do what makes you happy. Not what’s more convenient for me.”
She expected to get attitude back. In fact, she welcomed it. As far as she was concerned, he had earned every harsh word in her arsenal. Maybe his heart was in the right place but how could he slot her so neatly into the role of the little woman? She might want all that one day too, but firefighting wasn’t just a job to her. She couldn’t just walk away from something she thought about—hell, freaking dreamed about—every damn day.
But she had. She’d just walked. Because she was scared. Not of getting hurt again. That was the risk every firefighter took when they strapped on the gear. But of screwing up again, of suffering another lapse in judgment and this time losing someone she felt honor-bound to protect. A failure like that on her conscience was a fate even worse than death.
He gripped her hand and circled her palm with his thumb. “So you love me,” he said as casual could be. When her gaze swung up to his, his eyes were so fierce in the candlelight that she almost shrank back. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
For a moment she had no clue what he meant. Absolutely none. A quick replay of their conversation made her groan. “Oh God.”
“Deny it. Go ahead. But if you do, I want you to walk out this door and not come back until you’ve decided to tell the truth. I can deal with a liar or a coward. Not both.”
“I’m not a goddamned liar.” She shoved him back hard enough to almost send him tumbling off the mattress.
Before he could speak, she leaped off the bed and stalked over to the window that overlooked the street. It was snowing again, big fat flakes that fell from a serene dark blue sky. She glanced down at Dash’s front yard and saw that he’d built a snowman since the night before. The snow figure listed slightly left and its middle was almost as big as its bottom. She could just make out its face. And he wore her brown barn coat.
A smile lifted her lips until she saw the partially blurry words written in the snow. Though it took a moment, she finally made out the message.
I or you.
“What the heck is I or you? What does that mean?” She whirled to face Dash and the blast of cold air at her back reminded her she was still totally in the buff. But running to grab her clothes would make her look weak, so she held her ground.
Shaking his head, he set the key on the nightstand and strode to the window. “It doesn’t say I or you. It says…” He trailed off. “I or you. Fuck. The snow screwed it up.”
“What was it supposed to say?”
He blew out a breath. “It was supposed to say I love you.”
Chapter Six
Dash waited for her to say something. Anything. Surely after the conversation they’d just had, she couldn’t be shocked by the news he had feelings for her. The kind to build a life on. But she didn’t even blink.
For a long time they just stared at each other. Then without another word, she went to get dressed.
Panic flared in his chest. “What are you doing?”
“Leaving.” Her voice held no inflection whatsoever as she tugged up her panties and followed them with her jeans.
“We need to hash this out. This hit-and-run thing isn’t doing it for me anymore.”
“You’ve made that clear,” she said, fastening her bra over the gorgeous breasts he hadn’t spent nearly enough time kissing and licking last night. What if he’d lost his last chance? Not just with her breasts but with her?
He fisted his hands and shoved them under his arms. As much as he didn’t like it, this outcome wasn’t entirely unexpected. He’d known the risk he was taking by having this conversation but he’d done it anyway. Because she was worth it.
“You have feelings for me too. I’m not asking for anything more than your honesty.”
“Really? That’s funny. I would’ve sworn you were asking me to turn into a happy homemaker, safe in my apron.” She tossed aside the shirt she’d just picked up. “I’m a damned firefighter!”
He swallowed, his throat unbearably tight. Did she know her lips and chin were quivering? And that her eyes were as bright as the candle flames shivering in the dark? “You think I don’t know that? You’re the best of us. Always have been, always will be. All you have to do is walk back through the door.”
Her soft sob made him want to cross the room to her, enfold her in his arms and never let go. But he knew she needed to fight this beast on her own if she had any hope of beating it.
After a couple of moments, she pulled on the rest of her clothes. She moved toward the nightstand then she turned back and looked at him for an instant before walking out the door.
So close yet so fucking far.
He let out a shaky breath and rubbed the gaping pit that had opened up in his chest. Though he wasn’t normally a betting man, tonight he would. She would do it. She’d go back through the firehouse door.
He just hoped that didn’t mean she’d never come through his again.
****
Katie drove like a zombie, her bare fingers wrapped around the freezing cold steering wheel. She hadn’t even bothered to take her mittens out of her pocket. Turning into a block of ice seemed preferable to dealing with the melee in her mind.
Which was why she pulled over at the small park near her apartment instead of going home. The last thing she could stand was being alone with her thoughts. At least out here she could lean against her car and watch the ice skaters doing figure-eights wit
h their multi-colored scarfs trailing behind them. She could stare at the Christmas tree set up on the gazebo until the twinkling white lights blurred. Normally she liked it when they left Christmas decorations up past the holiday. But this Christmas she’d eaten a frozen turkey dinner alone in front of her TV. By choice.
Her father, mother and younger brother had celebrated as usual, with a big fancy ham and carols and lots of presents. And the guys from the firehouse had stopped by, as they did every year. She’d avoided the whole scene.
Coward.
She sniffled and rubbed her cold hands together, her gaze riveted on the skaters going round and round. They’d probably understand. Athletes had their own obsessions. They’d get why she hadn’t been able to shake the world that had been a part of her for so long.
She’d thought she could, that maybe even it proved her maturity that she’d ignored her own needs in favor of common sense. But a part of her had died when she’d left the station. She’d boxed up her time there and pushed the memories away. Tried to anyway. Seeing the guys last night, laughing with them, had been like coming home. But this home had been of her own creation, with brothers she’d chosen. They got it.
Rubbing her icy nose, she puffed out a breath. Dash been right. Even without fully knowing the fear that had driven her away from the life she loved, he’d hit her where she hurt most. It had been bad enough letting herself down. But letting down people who relied on her was simply unacceptable. Her father, her friends on the squad. Dash. And for what? Stubbornness? A misplaced sense of concern? Just plain stupidity?
She’d relived the abandoned barn fire over and over again. In the end, the blame rested at her doorstep. She hadn’t secured the scene. That was basic. In a structural fire, the building’s integrity was of upmost priority once the civilians were out. But she’d been focused on putting out the blaze and she’d skimped on doing the required checks. She’d been exhausted from too many back-to-back shifts and she’d taken the easy way out.
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