by Addison Jane
Russel jumps with glee, literally. He leaps in the air and claps his hands together, letting go of my arm in the process and nearly throwing me off balance. “Oh, balls,” he yelps as he grabs my arm and steadies me. I turn my head to glare at him, but he simply flashes me a bright smile and nods his head. “Let’s continue, shall we?”
Step two is easier, maybe because I’m fucking annoyed and agitated that he’s forcing me into all these weird positions during our session, and now he’s making me fucking walk. Don’t I get a break? Don’t I get some sympathy?
“I know you’re murdering me in your head,” Russel beams happily as we step out into the hallway.
“I’m actually wondering if you’re secretly some kind of dominatrix because seriously, you like to cause pain, don’t you?” I grumble as I begin to get into the flow, taking one step after another. Six steps and we’ve made it to the waiting room. Kace is there waiting for me, and he looks up, a massive grin growing on his face. He drops the magazine he’s reading to the side and stands up, holding his arms out and wriggling his fingers.
“Come on. You can do it,” Kace encourages in a baby voice.
I sneer at him. “Shut your whore mouth, Colt.”
There’s an old lady sitting in the corner reading a book, she looks up with a gasp, her reading glasses falling to the end of her nose as she glares across the room at me.
“He’s sorry,” Kace apologizes, narrowing his eyes at me in warning.
I turn to the old lady again. “No, I’m not,” I tell her, almost laughing when her face turns beet red. “This shit is fucking hard, I apologize for nothing that comes out of my mouth.”
“One more step. Come on, macho man,” Russel encourages, ignoring the old lady as she tosses the book onto the table and heads for the reception desk, no doubt to make a complaint. “If she leaves I’ll be in your debt forever. I swear her legs are hairier than yours,” Russel whispers, and I can’t help but laugh.
I force my body forward, pain rippling through every inch of me, and I swear it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My muscles want to give up. My mind is ready to follow suit. But if I don’t do this, if I don’t push hard and get back to the physical state I was in before this shit happened, then I can’t get back on the team. And without the team, I’m nothing.
I need them.
It gives me purpose.
It gives me a reason to wake up every single day.
And if I’m being completely honest, it makes me feel good. I’m able to help people, be their hero, someone that kids can look up to and aspire to be one day rather than just being complacent with their lives.
I fought to be better than my past. I fight every single damn day to prove that I’m worthy of something more than life has offered me. This injury, it took me back to a place that I never thought I’d ever be again. It cast a shadow over me that I’d spent so long trying to chase away with bright lights and jokes and purpose. The drugs dragged me down, and I fucking hate myself for letting them do what they’ve done. I should be stronger. I should be able to fight against that shit and know the signs.
This pain I’m in right now is just temporary. I’ve fought back once, I’ll fight back again. This time it isn’t just for me. It’s for my team who need me, even when they tease that I’m only here for the jokes. I have to do this for my best friend, who gave me a chance when I was a cocky fucking punk. And I have to do this for Everly because I want to be worthy of her, I want to be better for her. She doesn’t deserve someone broken, who struggles with his demons and his past every day. She needs someone who has his shit together, who isn’t afraid to stand up and say yeah… that happened, but I fucking got through it.
That’s what true strength is.
“Fuck!” I scream as pain rushes through me so fierce I can’t stand it any longer as I take the last step. Kace rushes forward, holding me up as Russel runs back down the hallway and shoots out with my wheelchair, practically taking my legs out from underneath me as he races up behind me. My breathing is ragged and jumpy, so I lean forward trying to slow my racing heart. “Holy mother of fucking God!”
And on that note, the little old lady in her heels, clip-clops toward the door, opening it and looking at us over her shoulder before huffing loudly and walking out. The door swings shut behind her and Russel bursts out laughing.
“Thank you, Lord,” he praises, and I chuckle through panting breaths.
“You owe me now,” I laugh, pulling my body up straight in the chair.
Russel winks. “Next time I’ll make sure the massage gel is warm. Good work today, Luca.” He squeezes my shoulder, then he turns on his heel and struts off back down the hall.
Kace snorts out a laugh as he grabs the back of my wheelchair. “I was going to ask how it went…” he waves at the flustered receptionist, “… but now I’m not sure I want to know what you do in there with Russel.”
I screw up my nose as we head out the door and down the ramp, exhaustion taking over me.
“I’m proud of you,” Kace tells me a few moments later as he pulls the door to Lily’s car open and slides me up beside it, so I can maneuver myself into the passenger’s seat.
“Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is,” I murmur, my arms shaking with the effort, one almost giving way as I practically throw myself from the wheelchair, grabbing the handbrake of the car to help pull myself in the rest of the way.
Kace takes the wheelchair around to the trunk and folds it up and professionally maneuvers it, so it fits in Lily’s tiny car. We have to use hers because it’s a fucking mission in itself to get from a wheelchair into Kace’s ridiculously sized truck.
Kace takes his time, making his way around to the driver’s side, squeezing and folding his body into the tiny car. Lily’s bright yellow Suzuki Swift leaves something to be desired when it comes to space. With Kace and I both well over six foot, this isn’t exactly a car that’s made for us. We push the front seats back as far as they can go, which leaves no room for anyone in the back and allows Kace to drive without his knees up around his chin.
“So,” Kace starts as we pull out of the parking lot. “Lily said she’s throwing a girl’s night.”
I look over at him and raise my eyebrow in suspicion. “For what?”
He continues to stare directly at the road, I know he’s refusing to look at me, and I can see him fighting against the tug at the corner of his mouth. “To celebrate Everly joining the team,” he replies, trying to keep his tone casual. “I vote we crash it, and you can tell her all about today and how well you’re doing.”
I turn my body, so I’m looking out the window. “And why the hell would I want to do that? Have you noticed the way I’ve been avoiding her? Aren’t you keeping up, Sherlock?”
I don’t have to look at Kace to know that his face has transformed from smug to disappointed and irritated. “Why are you being such an asshole?”
Tensing up, I grit my teeth. “I guess it’s in my fucking genes,” I snap, swinging around to hit him with a hard glare. One he doesn’t even get the full impact of because he’s too busy watching the damn fucking road.
The tension in his shoulders seems to release a little. “This is about your mom?” he asks, his voice soft and calm.
I slam my palm against the dashboard and raise my eyes to the roof of the car.
He ignores my tantrum and continues, “I don’t get why you can’t just talk to me about it. I already know what happened. But what I don’t know is… how it’s impacting you. Or how you’re dealing with it. Because you shut down so goddamn easily.”
“She fucked up my childhood, Kace,” I hiss. “She didn’t give a shit about me. About whether I was looked after. Whether I had the things I needed to live a healthy life.” An ache forms in my chest, my hand unconsciously moving there, rubbing at my heart as though it might ease the pressure that’s building inside my chest.
“Yeah. She was a shit mom,” Kace agrees with a straight serious face.
“But look at what you’ve become, and with no damn help from her. You should be proud of who you are now. You’re a damned sight stronger than half the fucking guys at The Agency and have a lot more heart than them, too. You didn’t let that shit define you.”
“No, I moved on, instead of letting it drown me. I used it as a stepping stone toward something better, and never looked back. But that’s it, man. I never fucking looked back, I never once tried to find her, even when I got on my feet in a place where I could have helped her. I did exactly what she did to me. I turned my back, and in my mind…” I point to my temple, “… that makes me just as fucking bad as her.”
Kace sighs heavily and shakes his head. “I think you’ve got this completely skewed view of reality.”
I huff out a breath. “It’s not skewed, man.” I feel the tension slowly releasing from my body. “I could have gone out looking for her, could have chased her down years ago. I could have made the fucking effort rather than just being so damn angry at myself and at her. You’re right, I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for her… and man, there’s no way I’d ever change where I am today.”
The sound of the car is the only thing filling the silence between us. Kace is right, he’s my best friend, and I kept all this shit from him. I don’t even really know why. I guess I feel like it could burden him in some kind of way to share my issues. Yet, I’ve willingly poured them out and onto Everly’s shoulders without a second thought, because I knew she would listen.
“My mom turned her life around,” I admit quietly. Kace sits a little straighter. If he were a dog, his fucking ears would have perked up. “She got married. Had more fucking kids… I have a little brother and sister… and the little boy…” I run my fingers through my hair, “… he’s just fucking like me.”
Kace laughs, a deep guttural laugh. I reach over and shove him in the arm, unable to keep from grinning. “Shut up, dude. He’s nine now, but in a couple years, fucking hell, there will be two of us in the world.” The joke settles both of our nerves, calming the serious tone a little. “But honestly, she sorted her life out. And if I’d gone looking for her, I could have been a part of that life. The one where she was the woman that I always imagined as a child, and that I wanted in a mom. I could have fucking had that. I could have had a relationship with my siblings. Maybe even got to know her husband.”
“What the hell is stopping you from doing that now?” Kace asks, his brows pulling together in confusion.
“You think they want a reminder that their mom had this horrid past, and did shitty things… like leaving their child in a hospital to fend for himself?” I ask him like I think he’s an idiot.
Kace suddenly slams his palm on the steering wheel and my body jolts back and forth as Kace slams on his breaks and swerves to the side of the road, barely missing the curb with his tires. “You’re a fucking idiot,” Kace murmurs, his voice unusually calm. “You’re bitching ‘cause you never did anything before to make an effort, you missed out on time with your mom. Now, you have a chance to make an effort with two kids who have your blood, and you’re like nah…wah, wah, wah, bitch, bitch, bitch, complain, complain, complain. Fuck me!”
I stare at him for a good half a minute as he huffs and puffs under his breath. His words sink in through my skin. I know they’re fucking true. I am being a sissy. “Shit man, tell me how you really feel, why don’t you?”
“Look, I get it. It’s scary. You can walk into a room with fifteen men armed with automatic rifles, but you can’t stand in front of two kids and tell them it would be cool if they’ll be your friends.” Kace basically sums it up completely.
Give me violence and danger any day, but put me in a situation where I might be rejected as a person… fuck.
My problems with Everly I guess, stem from this stupid part of my brain. Leave her before she leaves me. Skip the part where I’m thrown away again and don’t have to deal with how that would probably kill me.
“God, I hate it when you’re fucking right,” I growl, folding my arms across my chest and sink back into the Suzuki seats.
“Now we’ve established that I’m right… once again. What the hell are you gonna do about all this?” Kace asks, turning to face me as we sit in this stupid clown car in the middle of suburbia. He looks at his watch. “Lily said she’s out, so she’s not expecting us home for another few hours…” he allows his words to hang in the air. No doubt hoping that I will fill the pieces.
“Feel like going for a drive?” I ask quietly, pulling out my cell and searching for the address I need. I’ve been there once before, but my mind had been in a complete blackout for the whole drive, I don’t even know how I got there.
Kace grabs the steering wheel and grins. “I thought you’d never ask.”
We pull up outside the house, right on dusk, the sun disappearing behind the massive two-story home that’s made up of both gray wood cladding and brick accents, which gives it this soft, homely feel. The porch is cute and welcoming with one of those farm style swings and a painted white banister. I can imagine Dean standing right there in the morning as he waves Carter and Zoe off to catch the school bus, a cup of coffee resting in his hand.
“We ain’t gonna get the wheelchair in there,” Kace points out as we sit outside the home like two guys on a stakeout. I look over into the backseat to see the crutches Russel had given me at my last appointment. The same ones that I’ve refused to even look at. “Well, guess it’s a good time to test these babies out.”
Kace follows my gaze. “At least if you start using them, I won’t have to keep watching my toes when you’re around.”
I snort as I push the door open. “You deserve everything you get.”
“What’d my toes ever do to you?” he asks as he climbs out of the car and comes around my side, pulling the crutches out of the back seat.
“They’re attached to you, dickwad,” I jest, rolling my eyes as I take the crutches from him and spend the next five minutes trying to adjust the damn things. Okay, so that’s probably a little dramatic, but by the time I figure it out, I’m ready to throw them on the road and run them over.
Fuck Russel and his stupid shit!
“Come on, princess,” Kace taunts from just a few feet away, knowing I’m going to get up and go after him like a bull being teased with a red flag.
“I’d watch your mouth now I’ve got two large sticks in my hands, and I’m not against shoving them up your ass.”
Kace doesn’t even acknowledge the threat. “The curtains have been moving ever since we got here, so no doubt your surprise visit isn’t much of a surprise anymore.” I caught the movement myself, refusing to look up to acknowledge it. Instead, choosing to ignore my flight instinct and put all my effort into fighting with the damn crutches.
Now, though, the distraction is gone, and as I look up I catch a mess of golden locks bouncing away as the curtain falls back into place. The crutches make me feel unsteady at first, and I feel incredibly awkward. It’s going to take practice, but Russel is sure this is going to help me heal and give me back my movement much faster.
Kace walks behind me as I try to propel my body up the handful of steps that lead to the front door. Only once I feel myself falling backward, Kace catching me with a hand on my back and forcing me forward again. When I get to the front door, I tuck one of the crutches under my arm to support myself and knock hard, three times.
There’s some kind of commotion inside, rustling, scraping of chairs and maybe even a giggle. It’s a normal house, where kids spy through the curtains on their visitors and then make a dramatic run for it when they finally come to the door. There’s a pile of shoes in different styles and sizes tossed in a heap alongside an old welcome mat which seems to have greeted a lot of people over its time. These are all things I missed the last time I was here. My blinders had been on, I’d been angry, and on a path of destruction. I hadn’t seen the toys lying around, the family vibe the house had, and I certainly hadn’t felt the warmt
h that I feel when Dean opens the door this time.
He has a genuine smile on his face that has me almost leaning forward toward him, pulling me in. It’s obvious he isn’t surprised to see me. No doubt the two little minions have informed him of our arrival, thinking they were also being stealthy and secretive.
Oh geez, they’re just like me.
“Luca,” Dean greets happily. “Weren’t expecting to see you, but I’m pleased you came. Come on inside.” He steps to the side and holds out his arm, welcoming us into his home.
Kace touches my arm, and I turn to look at him. “You want me to wait outside?”
I frown and shake my head. “Hell, no,” I insist, tugging on his arm and pulling him forward.
I swallow my shit down and make my first step inside the house. “This is my best friend, Kace. Kace, this is Dean.”
Dean holds out his hand to Kace, and they shake firmly.
The place is warm and tidy, apart from a wagon with a few stray soft toys scattered as if it’s been dumped there in a hurry.
“I see you’ve had a bit of an accident since I saw you last,” Dean observes as he leads us through the entrance way and into a comfortable sitting room that houses an intricate stone fireplace. It looks like it’s only for decoration but still takes your breath away as the centerpiece of the room. “You guys want coffee… or something a little harder?”
“Harder,” I answer without missing a beat. I’m off my medication now, refusing to let that shit take over my mind any more. Molly’s herbal pain killers help, though there are still times where I want to cut my fucking leg off, but the pain never lasts long, and I know it won’t be like that forever. I just have to keep reminding myself it’s not worth it to ever put Everly in that position again. I’ve already hurt her enough.
“I’ll just have water,” Kace responds, as we both take a seat on a large brown leather chesterfield sofa that makes me feel like I’ve suddenly slipped a couple of decades into the past. And when Dean makes his way over to the wet bar in the corner of the room and pulls two short glasses from the shelf, it’s almost like I’m in some sixties mafia movie.