Ruth’s expression told me she agreed with Lacey. “I expected to see her with you when you came to the hospital.”
“I was worried. I asked her to stay at the resort. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You were thinking that you could protect yourself. You’ve always thought that if you kept to yourself, you could creep through life without touching people or being touched. You think that by keeping to your space, you won’t get hurt.” There was a sternness behind her usual caring tone.
She was right.
Ruth set down her own plate and came around the table to wrap her arms around me. “Let her be close to you. She lights you up from the inside. Bo saw it too. I know you never asked our opinion, but Bo and I talked about what it meant for you to bring her here, and I want you to know he liked Lacey a lot.”
“I should have told you.”
Ruth laughed, startling me. She sat down across from me and said, “Thank Charlie for that. One of those trips you made home from college, he shuffled up after you left asking what we thought of that rainbow flag sticker. The three of us sat here at this table for an hour wondering whether you had a girlfriend you were too scared to tell us about. I remember Bo said it probably came through his side—his favorite aunt had herself a lady friend. I had to remind him that he hadn’t actually contributed any genetics. We both looked at Charlie who waved us off. ‘Don’t look at me!’ he hollered.” Ruth smiled. “There. That’s a fine memory.”
I shut my eyes to imagine the three of them sitting at this table talking about me while I was away at school, all of them trying to figure out who I was. I took her hand across the table.
Ruth swallowed hard. “No more should-haves. Only what was. Agreed?”
“Agreed.” Though she sat back, she used only her right hand. The two of us ate our dinner that way, our left hands joined in the middle of the table. At the same time that I felt Bo slip away, I felt closer to Ruth than I ever had. I wanted to say how I wish I’d been able to call him my dad but stopped myself hearing the should have I said I’d avoid.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lacey
“Are you out of your mind? Do you even hear what you’re asking? Do you?” Della blew up in my ear.
“I know.” I put my thumb between my eyebrows and shut my eyes. “Madison would never ask…”
“But you would. You know what it feels like to have your ex-girlfriend call to ask if you will do her girlfriend’s work? No! Because I. Would. Never. Do. That. To. You.”
“Understood.” I should have skipped asking Della, but I thought that she might be swayed to help out the newcomer to the neighborhood. The fact that I was dating and she wasn’t clearly overshadowed that.
“But tell her I’m really sorry her dad died.” The concern seemed genuine.
“I’ll be sure to pass that along. Bye Della.”
Next, I called Hope who was characteristically empathetic as I explained what was going on. Sadly, she could only offer to help feed the weekend guests with food from Cup of Joy. She pointed out that sleeping in a house with a child who called during the night was nowhere in Madison’s brochures, and Joy didn’t sleep well when her moms messed with her routine in any way at all. “How are you doing in all of this?” she asked before I could slip under the radar of her concern.
I glanced at the clock. I hadn’t made any promises to Madison about when I’d be there, and her asking made me realize how much I wanted to get off my chest. “I don’t really know. The last time we really talked, I told her that I was frustrated with her for not telling Hagen that he doesn’t have a chance.”
“How can he not know?”
“People know what they want to know. The real issue is that Madison won’t just tell him.”
“She’s not you,” Hope said gently.
I opened my mouth to say I knew that, but shut it again realizing that I did, in fact, want her to deal with Hagen the way I would. “That’s fair. But if I lost my dad suddenly, I’d want her there with me. I wouldn’t be asking her to sit tight and hold down the fort.” I waited for Hope to say something and then heard what I’d said. “Oh. Shit. Is driving down there the worst idea ever?”
“No. I think that once you’re there, she’ll realize how wonderful it is to have someone to lean on. It sounds like she doesn’t have a whole lot of experience with that. So you teach her.”
“Thanks Hope.”
“Anytime. And you know Gabe would be a great stand-in host. His dad can manage without him for a bit, and he makes a good show looking all Western the way he does.”
“Yeah. He was next on my list.”
* * *
Many hours later, after I’d made more phone calls, settled the second set of guests in and handed off all other Hot Rocks duties to Gabe, I finally held Madison. The way she stepped into my arms and the look I caught on Ruth’s face before she disappeared into the kitchen to give us privacy confirmed that I’d made the right decision. I didn’t think about anything else, just wrapped my arms around Madison as protectively and reassuringly as I could. She wept, and I rocked her, and we stayed like that for as long as she needed, until she stepped back and mopped her face.
“I’m sorry. Do you need…” She looked around as if trying to place what she was supposed to offer.
I waved off her concern. “Don’t worry about me.”
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I can,” Ruth hollered from the kitchen. “Now that you’ve said your hellos, come have something cool to drink. I’m sure you need it driving down into this heat.”
“It is cooler up in the mountains,” I said, following Ruth’s voice to the kitchen. She set down the pitcher of lemonade and hugged me. “I’m so sorry about Bo.”
Ruth squeezed me again before she released me. “Doesn’t quite seem real. I keep thinking I dreamed the whole thing, and he’ll be coming in and moving that damn hand towel from the bathroom. Forty-two years he carried the hand towel with him as he dried his hands…more than that. He did it when we were dating. The years we were together…I barely remember the girl I was before I met him. We spent most of our lives together.”
Madison moved to her side and guided her to the table. I tried not to react when Madison chose the chair next to Ruth’s. She pulled it close, the whole length of her body in contact with Ruth who had closed her tired eyes and rested her head against Madison, whose eyes held the same weight of sadness. The gravitational pull had shifted between them. I was sitting with Madison and her mother.
“But now you’ve got me,” Madison said.
“Yes. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for that. And you have Lacey.”
I smiled weakly, uncertain of their new dynamic.
“Hope and Dani didn’t mind being asked?” Madison asked, reminding me of how self-conscious she’d been about asking for help.
“No, but they couldn’t stay out there, not with Joy.”
“Who was there last night?” Madison’s posture shifted to worry.
“Gabe was happy to.”
“Gabe!” Madison exclaimed.
“Gabe’s the one that thinks he’s a cowboy?” Ruth asked.
“No, that’s Hagen. Gabe’s Lacey’s friend. He is a cowboy. He lent me the tractor, but I barely know him.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “He was as happy to do this as he was to haul Gran’s tractor over for us. It’s the weekend. He doesn’t really have to do anything. Hope’s on dinner, so he’ll occupy the place while they’re there and lock up when they’re gone. I’ll get my keys from him whenever I’m back.”
“Still. I wish…” Madison looked at Ruth as if to gauge what she should say. “I hate having to owe someone. I have no idea how to repay him.”
“That’s not how he thinks. It’s not how any of them think.” I lied a little remembering Della’s answer when I asked her to stay.
“Well, at least it’s only this weekend.”
“What do
es that mean?”
“I’m canceling the reservations I have for next weekend and closing the online booking calendar.”
“Madison!” Ruth exclaimed.
“I need to be here with you.”
“But you only just opened,” Ruth argued.
“I know, but I can’t be up there right now. I can’t leave you down here alone.”
“Charlie and I can manage. Honestly, Charlie could manage on his own. You’re starting your life up there. After the funeral, I thought you’d head back.”
Madison threw her arms around Ruth. “I need to be here with you,” she whispered.
I stared at my hands in my lap thinking about how I’d driven down to offer my support only now realizing that didn’t mean she would accept it, or that it was needed. Over Madison’s shoulder Ruth caught my eye, urging me to say something. But what was there to say? If she wouldn’t listen to her mother, I couldn’t imagine her listening to me, but Ruth’s look was insistent. I had to say something.
“Don’t do anything yet, Madison. You don’t want to ruin anyone’s vacation, especially not when you’re building your reputation. I could always run the place next weekend if you need to be here. Don’t cancel anything. Block off a few days on the online calendar if you need to. You’ve put so much work into your place.”
Ruth nodded, satisfied. I felt like I’d passed an important exam. More importantly, Madison sat up and met my eyes. She nodded mutely, but at least she nodded.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Madison
I woke up too warm, the sun already high in the sky and the body next to me radiating heat. I opened my eyes but resisted stretching, not wanting to wake Ruth. Sleep made the sadness that tightened her features when she was awake disappear. I lay quietly in Bo’s spot wondering why I’d never crawled in with them. Why had I stayed a guest in their home for so many years when they had so obviously welcomed me into their hearts, not just their home?
What I would have given to have been there in bed with my parents. In that space between sleep and wakefulness, I allowed myself the fantasy of rewriting my youth. I imagined snuggling next to Ruth and having her put her arms around me. Or would I have put my head on Bo’s strong chest? Surely, he would have carried me back to my own bed when I had fallen back asleep feeling safe and comforted. I’d thought about it before. I remembered hovering at their doorway, afraid of waking them, to say that a storm or a shadow had startled me from my sleep.
The sound of the back door brought me more fully awake. Lacey had woken by herself again. I willed myself to fall back asleep where I could avoid the hurt in her eyes. We went to bed together in the queen-sized guest bed across the hall from my childhood room, and it felt wonderful to relax into her arms and let her comfort me. She did her best to settle me into sleep by running her fingers through my hair, but she was always first to fade, her hands slowing and then stopping, resting on my shoulder until I shifted away into a position from which I could watch her sleep. She slept deeply, uncomplicated by the worries that floated around in my head.
What was it like to have parents who were still together, who enjoyed each other’s company and who had always wanted her? It was simply the life Lacey had always known. These thoughts spinning, I couldn’t stop listening to Ruth as she wandered around the house, lost without Bo.
Unable to resist, I would slip out and join Ruth downstairs. We sat up late looking at photo albums, Ruth avoiding the bed Bo would not be sleeping in ever again. She only agreed to go up to bed when she was past exhaustion, falling almost immediately into sleep and leaving me to think about how Bo had been a father figure to me and worry about what my role would be at the funeral. Did his friends and family already see me as his child, or would they find it strange to see me standing by Ruth?
Lacey climbed the stairs, hesitating at the top step. She would be worrying about Ruth and me getting up and getting ready for the service. My feet found the floor, and I slipped out as Ruth reached for the clock.
“I’ll put on the tea. You can shower first.”
Ruth blinked her approval of the plan, and I stepped out into the hall.
“I didn’t know if I should wake you.”
“I know,” I said, realizing that she’d been restless for a long while wandering around the unfamiliar house by herself. “What have you been doing?”
“Helping Charlie with the stock. He’s getting cleaned up now.”
For the service. I needed to start breakfast.
“How’s your mom?” she asked.
My eyes met hers, and I was so grateful to see genuine concern instead of the veiled hurt of the previous day. I loved that she had begun calling Ruth my mom without my having said anything. Tears of gratitude sprang to my eyes. I didn’t quite understand what I had done to deserve Lacey. She got me, sometimes before I even got myself. I stepped into the arms that were always waiting for me and tried not to think about Ruth missing Bo.
“Come on.” Her voice was gentle. “Let’s get some food into you.”
She guided me to breakfast and then prodded me to the shower. I resisted each step of getting ready as if avoiding the service would change the fact that Bo was dead, and she directed me as patiently as Charlie did the cattle. That’s what I felt like as Lacey and Charlie shut the doors on Ruth’s sedan. Lacey rode in the front and Charlie drove, and I sat in the back with Ruth, watching the scenery and wondering what the cattle must be thinking as they zoom down the highway to the slaughterhouse.
Arms linked, Ruth and I made our way into the sanctuary of the Methodist church we attended sporadically. I recognized the minister but not the hymns. I only knew the joyous Christmas and Easter music, not these slow, somber songs. Ruth sang. I held the hymnal without singing, staring at the closed casket, my shoulder pressed to Lacey’s.
When the minister finished his eulogy, I was surprised to see Charlie approach the pulpit, looking foreign to me in a suit two sizes too big, pressed but hanging loosely from his body. I’d seen Bo in a suit before, but I’d never seen Charlie in anything but his dusty, rugged work attire.
He swallowed, and his Adam’s apple bobbled. He fidgeted and tried to look at the small congregation. His eyes flitted over to Ruth and me ever so briefly before he took out a piece of paper that trembled in his hand.
“I don’t see how it’s fair for me to be standing here talking to you about this man who succeeded at everything I failed. Bo married his high school sweetheart, and he and Ruth cherished each other the way the Lord intended. He was a proud father and a good one, raising Madison with strong morals and a stronger work ethic.” He swallowed hard, and tears stung the back of my eyes. His voice cracked as he continued. “I don’t know a finer businessman. Honest. Always more concerned about the animals than profit. He was the very definition of generous, sharing himself like he did. It isn’t right that I’m the one standing here talking. If God had any sense, he’d have taken me, but I guess lookin’ at it that way, he’ll make better company. He’ll be sorely missed.”
He folded his paper and held it for a moment. His hands didn’t know what to do without his hat to spin or settle back on his head. He finally shoved them in the deep pockets and sat back down next to Ruth. I watched as he crumpled. Holding his face in his hands, his body shook with sobbing. Those around us stood for the final hymn, but I was immobilized by Charlie’s grief. I’d never seen a single tear slip down his face let alone witness such a flood of emotion. I had to go to him. Already at the center of attention sitting in the front row, I didn’t want to invite more, but I simply had to comfort him.
Bending as if I could slip across the row undetected, I inched over and crouched by his side, awkwardly slipping my arm over his shoulder. He started at my touch and turned tear-filled eyes to me. I suddenly felt guilty for abandoning him in his lonely trailer. I’d voted Bo the better man too and was only now seeing how much Charlie had sacrificed. I pushed into his arms and felt his hesitation as I hugged him hard, my own
tears falling on his shirt. As his arms tightened, I burrowed my head on his chest. I felt his breath as he pressed his face into my hair.
Only when he pulled away did I realize that the song was over and Charlie was expected to join the pallbearers. I stood and was grateful for Ruth’s arm. We followed the coffin and stood at the door for people to press their hands to ours, grip our shoulders, say the words they needed to say.
As the crowd thinned, I looked for Lacey. She was on her phone and caught my eye. Holding up a finger, she smiled apologetically. Still, it was the happiest smile I’d seen in days, and I figured she’d been on the line with someone in Quincy about how she was through with all of the grief in the valley and ready to return home.
I stopped short on that. I’d gone to Quincy looking for home and remembered how certainly I had felt the call of Hot Rocks from the minute I had arrived. But I also felt at home right where I was, Ruth’s arm tight around me. How was I supposed to resolve those two things?
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Lacey
I was itching to be home. I’d said as much to my gran when I had called her the day before to say I’d be back in the morning to take over the care of Midnight. It would be good to be in my shop which had been shut four work days. I was happy to have been able to close up as long as I needed to be with Madison, but I couldn’t help looking forward to getting back to our life, the rhythm we had when it was just the two of us. Us. The pronoun slammed up against my chest as I remembered that Madison was staying in Paradise with Ruth. I remembered how hard it had been to have one meal without Madison, and now the only solace I had returning to Quincy was that she still hadn’t closed the online booking system.
I should have been thrilled for her to finally find the family she had been searching for, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she was going to sell Hot Rocks and disappear back to Paradise. What did that make me? I didn’t want to be the shit who said What about me? to the woman who had lost her dad, but I felt cut loose by her need to stay. I wanted her to come home. I wanted to be the one holding her.
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