“Flashy stuff? You like big jewelry or the subtle kind?”
“I honestly don’t like jewelry that much. Well, I take that back. I do have an appreciation for jewelry, but I guess just not the flashy kind. I would be too afraid of losing it or something stupid happening.”
“But you wear that one?” he asked curiously.
“Yes. I guess because it meant a lot to me to receive it. The company saved me. They hired me as a customer service rep even though they knew I was pregnant. I had insurance to pay for Kyra’s birth. It was my passage to being an adult. I’m proud and thankful.”
He nodded. “Can I see it for a second?”
I slipped it off my finger and handed it to him. He playfully checked to see if it fit his pinky. It reached the first knuckle.
I laughed.
“Well, guess we can’t share jewelry,” he joked, handing it back to me. He slipped it on my right ring finger, lifted both my hands, and pressed them together. He examined them for a few moments.
“What are you doing?”
“Just checking if your fingers are the same size on each of your hands.”
“Okay.” I was about to ask why he was so interested when Max interrupted.
“I’m hungry. Can I have ice cream and cookies?” Max asked.
“Oh, that sound good. Me, too?” Kyra asked.
“Me, too?” Ray added.
I rolled my eyes and said exasperatedly, “Fine. I will dish you all some ice cream and bring you cookies.”
The next afternoon while I was working, Lucas, of all people, appeared on my doorstep. “Hi, Cass,” he said before inviting himself in. We hugged. What in the world was Ray’s son doing here? I eyed him suspiciously.
“Hi, Lucas,” I finally said.
“Dad asked me to take a look at Kyra’s room and see if I can help with the remodel,” he offered.
“Oh.” I blinked. “Ray didn’t mention it to me.”
“What’s your favorite color?” he asked.
“Peach and blue—aquamarine, really,” I replied. “But don’t you want to know Kyra’s favorite color?”
“Of course, but I’m trying to get to know you better, too,” he explained. He made a show of examining my home. He eyed my bare white walls, the vertical blinds that had no curtains or valances, my everyday furniture, the wood floors, and the dark brown carpet. “Hmm,” he murmured disapprovingly.
“Is there something more going on here?” I asked.
“Nope, not at all.” Lucas shook his head in denial. “So, aquamarine, huh? Is that your birthstone?”
“Yep. I’m a Pisces.”
He nodded.
“Is Kyra awake? Can I look at her room to get some ideas?”
I wasn’t sure if she was up or not. I guided Lucas to her room. Thankfully she was awake and reading in her bed. He glanced around. “I wish Dad had waited before he put the desk and bookshelves up, but we can work around it.”
“What are you doing?” Kyra asked suspiciously.
“Dad wanted me to look at your room and see what I can come up with for a remodel,” Lucas said.
“Really?” Kyra sat up on her bed. “Yes!”
Lucas grinned. “So your baseball cap was a success at the Fourth of July festival?” he queried.
“Yep!” she said excitedly. “Can you paint canvas shoes like you did the cap? My dance teacher would like to order some for our next performance.”
“Really?” Lucas seemed surprised. “Maybe we are on to something.”
They started chatting about dance and costumes, then moved on to adding color and flash to her room.
“I have to get back to work,” I interrupted.
Neither paid me any attention, so I headed into the office and back to work.
Chapter Sixteen
Dex sent me a text on Thursday morning explaining that he and Mel were on their way to the airport. He wanted to know if I could say goodbye to the kids for him. I was fuming. I called him right away, and when he picked up the phone I let it out, “Dex! I can’t believe you're pulling this shit again!”
“What do you mean, Cass? I told you we were out here to visit for only a short time. I never said I was moving back.”
“Did you ever stop to think about our kids, Dex? Did you explain that to them? Do you understand how angry and hurt they were when you left, and now here you are doing it again?”
“Well, I planned to spend time with them over the weekend, but you are the one who disappeared, and I had no way of getting in touch with them or you.”
“Bullshit!” I shouted. “You have all our cell phone numbers. You didn’t plan on spending time with them this weekend. You were probably too busy doing whatever Mel wanted you to do or dealing with something for one of your stupid hotels.”
“They aren’t stupid, Cass. They are my business and livelihood now. In fact, the kids might want to take over the business some day. That was part of our problem. You know that, right? You never respected the real estate world and what it means to me.”
“I will not even go there with you right now—or ever, for that matter. It doesn’t matter anymore. Our failed and exhausted marriage doesn’t matter anymore. What is important is how you treat your kids. You need to cancel your flight and reschedule it. You need to say a proper goodbye to your kids.”
“No, Cass,” Dex answered stubbornly.
“What?”
“I can’t reschedule our flight. I have to be back in Europe by tomorrow night.”
“How could you?” My throat was burning with unshed tears. I hurt because I knew how much my kids would hurt. Kyra had just forgiven him for leaving the first time. Max was okay then, but what about now?
“I’m sorry, Cass. Please let the kids know I wanted to spend more time with them, but I couldn’t. I’ve never been really good at goodbyes.”
“Unbelievable!” I admonished.
He disconnected the call.
I sat in my office for a few minutes trying to gauge how to tell the kids. I finally figured that the best way was to just say it. I called them into my office. When they both appeared, I closed my eyes for a brief moment. Before I could speak, Kyra said, “Dad left again, didn’t he?”
I nodded.
“You were right, Kyra,” Max mumbled.
“Yep, told you,” Kyra said.
“Dad loves money more than us,” Max mumbled sadly and went into his room. Kyra followed him, then I heard them both sobbing.
My heart broke for them.
How can I fix this?
I sent my boss an e-mail and asked for the rest of the day off. She granted my request and added the following day, as well.
I appeared in Max’s doorway and announced, “Get your swimsuits on. We are going to the beach.”
They were still sad, but they did brighten up a little bit.
We built sandcastles and collected seashells. After the long day at the beach, we stopped at a roadside stand for hot dogs and a ton of fries. I even allowed the kids to have soda. It was a day of constant hugs. I wanted the kids to know how much I loved and appreciated them.
Ray stopped by on Friday evening with ground meat, buns, corn on the cob, and tater tots. He grilled patties and corn on the barbecue and instructed me to cook the tots. The four of us sat out on the patio and ate dinner.
After the kids went to bed, we were relaxing on the couch when he asked, “Want me to track down Dex and beat him up for the kids?”
I shook my head no.
“Want me to hire someone?”
I shook my head again.
“I can get one of my guys at the station to do it for free. They’re young. They like starting fights and finishing them.”
I shook my head again.
“Well, fine. I mean this in the nicest way, but your ex-husband is an ass, Cass.”
“Yep,” I agreed.
Chapter Seventeen
“I gotta get to work,” Ray announced on Saturday morning. He stood over
me, already dressed in jeans and his Palm Hills Fire Department T-shirt. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It was 6:00 a.m. I groaned.
“Ah, man,” I whined.
He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. “I’ll stop by for lunch,” he offered.
I grinned. “Perfect.”
He was about to leave when he turned back around and kissed me again. “Love you, Cass.”
“Love you, Ray. Have a good day,” I said before rolling over and going back to sleep.
When I woke up a couple of hours later, the kids and I began our typical Saturday routine of attending dance class and basketball practice. I had brought a romance novel to read during the practices, while the kids listened to music.
I sent Ray random texts throughout the day but did not hear back from him. He didn’t text about lunch, so I figured he was too busy rescuing people or putting out a fire somewhere. When nightfall came and there was still no word from him, I began to worry.
That evening, the kids were playing video games in Max’s room. At 7:12 that night, I heard a hollow knock on the door. I squinted through the peephole and saw one of Ray’s fire crew, Pete, at the door. My heart raced. When I opened the door, Pete wasn’t wearing his usual goofy grin. His eyes were red and puffy. “I’m sorry, Cass,” he said.
There was a pounding in my ears as the blood rushed through my body. I felt as though it was all moving down to my feet, and I was going to pass out.
“There was an accident. Ray went up to the second floor, and a beam collapsed and hit him. He didn’t make it. I’m so sorry.”
I screamed.
Everything was a blur. All I felt was a pain and emptiness inside like I had never experienced before. I felt as if someone had ripped my heart right out of me and squeezed it until it burst like a water balloon.
The funeral was two weeks later. Ray’s sisters arranged it. The reception was at the home of Lucas and his husband. I wasn’t going to attend. All I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry myself to sleep. Lucas urged me to go along with Ray’s sisters. Everyone exchanged stories and talked about pranks Ray had played, but they also spoke of his heroism and how he had wanted to make everyone feel safe and loved. I noticed Ray’s other son was nowhere to be seen. I shook my head.
Before the kids and I were about to leave, Lucas called after me. “Cass, wait.”
He rushed over and hugged me close.
“There’s something I need to give you,” he said as he reached into his pocket. “Dad was planning to give this to you soon. He was trying to organize a weekend getaway.” He pulled out a dark-blue velvet box.
I started to cry again.
Lucas flipped open the box. Inside was a platinum engagement ring with an aquamarine stone as the centerpiece and tiny diamonds surrounding it.
I thought back to the day we were sitting on the couch and he was drilling me about jewelry, and how the next day Lucas had appeared and asked me random questions. Despite my pain, I smiled at the memory. I sniffed. “I would have said yes,” I told Lucas.
He nodded. “I know, and I would have planned an off-the-chart wedding,” he said.
I accepted the ring box and held it close to my heart. We hugged again and said goodbye.
Chapter Eighteen
There is a hollowness in my heart,
A void in my soul.
Words,
Thoughts,
Actions,
Don’t matter.
There is no way to fill it
Or to feel
When the one you love
Is gone.
Epilogue
Eighteen months later
I was on the top floor of what I guessed was an empty firehouse. A beautiful woman with dark skin and long wavy black hair approached me. She hugged me without saying a word. I felt complete love and comfort in her arms. She held me tight. When she finally released me, she stared at me. She never spoke, but I could hear her in my head. She told me to let go of Ray, that he was okay now. But she had concern in her eyes and wanted me to reach out to Junior, to check on him, protect him, and love him. I shook my head adamantly to tell her no and frowned. She closed her eyes, determination evident on her face. I kept hearing the name Junior repeated over and over in my head.
“Mom!” Kyra shouted. I woke to her shaking me. “Wake up! You have to take us to school!” I was awake—or at least more awake than I had been in quite a while. I shuffled out of bed and rushed to do my regular routine. The kids were ready to go. I needed to get myself together. I needed to get back to life. Thirty minutes later Kyra confirmed this when I dropped her off at school. Before getting out of the car, she looked at me with pure disappointment and maybe a bit of resentment and said, “Wake up, Mom. Captain Ray is never coming back to life. But we are still here.” Scowling, she shook her, then continued, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t raise Max. I’m just a kid. We need you to wake up and be here.” Then she left, slamming the van door shut, without giving me her ritual kiss and hug.
When I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw myself as others must have seen me since Ray died. I was in overworn sweats. My hair was a frizzy mass of nothingness on top of my head. I had gained twenty pounds. I decided to take a sick day. I was tired of being worn out and washed out. I went for a walk. I walked, and walked, and walked. I must have walked all around Palm Hills. I arrived back home a little after noon, drenched in sweat. I looked down, struggling to pull my keys out of my pocket, when I heard a familiar deep voice. “Are you Cassie?”
Ray? I immediately thought with hope and disbelief. The voice sounded so much like Ray’s. I felt my heart rate increase. Of course it wasn’t Ray. It was someone who resembled him very much, though, but who was much younger and had darker skin. I frowned in confusion and disbelief. I finally found my voice and answered, “Yes.”
The man cleared his throat and rubbed the right side of his cheek—just like Ray used to do when he had something to tell me but didn’t know how to say it.
“I’m Ray Jr.”
My eyebrows raised and my eyes filled with tears. I nodded. “Of course you are.”
“I’ve wanted to meet you. Dad talked a lot about you.”
“But you didn’t come to his funeral. You didn’t even return his phone calls,” I said.
“No, I didn’t. Dad sent me e-mails all the time.”
“Why didn’t you go to Ray’s funeral?”
“It was too late for the funeral. Dad was already gone, so what was the point of coming?”
I shook my head. “Why are you here?”
“I regret not going to see him. I am sorry that we didn’t make amends. I have… regrets.”
“That doesn’t explain why you are here,” I said. Sweat was dripping down my forehead. I lifted the bottom of my T-shirt to wipe it from my face. I didn’t care if I was flashing Ray Jr. and my entire neighborhood with my cottage cheese stomach and pathetic excuse for a bra. Today was the day my daughter had told me to wake up, and that’s what I was doing.
Once the sweat was gone, I could see more clearly. Ray Jr. was in a fancy-schmancy suit and tie. I glanced down at his feet. He had fancy shoes on, too—shoes that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. I shook my head. This man was nothing like my Ray. But then I looked into his eyes. Damn him. He had Ray’s light-brown eyes.
He was clean shaven. No thick mustache. No thick, full gray hair that I could run my hands through. He was bald. It was as if he had wanted to erase any possible resemblance he had to his amazing father. But he couldn’t. His eyes, lips, voice, and body were exactly like his father’s. He was just younger—and darker.
“I was hoping I could take you out to lunch so we could talk.”
“Why not call first?” I asked crabbily.
“I did. I left you messages, but when you didn’t return my calls, I thought I’d stop by.”
I frowned. Then I realized I had left my cell phone on the kitchen table. I had only my keys and
a bottle of water on me. I blinked.
“Oh.” I took a deep breath. “I left my phone in the house. Um…” I heard a voice inside that sounded like the voice of the woman in my dream. Talk to him. I shook my head. I was annoyed and aggravated but heard myself accept his offer. “Sure. I could use a bite to eat. Mind coming in for a few minutes while I take a quick shower and change?” I asked.
“Sure,” Ray Jr. replied as he entered my home.
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Captain of My Heart Page 7