“What’s on your mind, Pey?” Ryan asked as he sidled up next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my arms to warm them up.
I shook my head and took a deep breath, hoping the information I was about to share with him wouldn’t ruin the relationship we both shared. “I, uh . . .” I started, quickly losing my train of thought as I saw a woman and her four kids entering the restaurant. The kids were commenting about eating beignets with unbridled excitement.
“You, uh . . . ?” Ryan repeated with a hearty chuckle.
Looking up at him again, I felt my insides go numb. He had that boyish smile of his and his big amber eyes, and the slight curling of his hair due to the damp air made him look so beautiful. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of adoration and love. But my feelings became parched once I realized that the information I was about to convey might mean the end of us.
I knew there was no going back. “I wanted to tell you this a long time ago,” I started as I watched the smile on his face vanish. I steeled my courage and forced myself to continue. “It just seemed like every time I was about to tell you, something came up and . . .”
“What is it, Pey?” Ryan asked as my voice started to trail off. He pulled away from me, but still held onto my shoulders, staring down at me searchingly.
Clearing my throat, my eyes dropped to my feet before I realized it was rude to talk to someone while staring at one’s feet. I looked up at him again as my heartbeat started to pound through me and my breathing grew quicker.
“You can do this, ma minette,” Drake sounded in my head. “I have faith in you.”
“Do you remember when the entity of the Axeman was still occupying my house?” I asked Ryan pointedly, forcing the words. I could not back down now.
“Yes, o’ course,” Ryan answered, studying me intently.
“Right,” I said, thinking it was a stupid question to start out with. There was no way anyone could forget the malevolence of the entity that had haunted my house, especially after everything that had happened when Christopher and Lovie exorcised it.
“Keep goin’, Peyton,” Ryan said, with a quick glance back into the restaurant. “Don’t forget they’re waitin’ for us.”
“Right,” I said again with a nod. I took a deep breath. “Before the entity was exorcised, Drake was my protector of sorts.”
“Okay,” Ryan answered as he let go of my shoulders and crossed his arms against his chest.
“Right,” I continued, trying to stay on course. “As the entity started to get stronger, it attached itself to Drake and began basically swallowing him up into itself. He fought and tried to resist it, but in the end, he lost the power to combat it.”
“Okay,” Ryan said again, studying me as if he were frustratingly intrigued as to where the conversation was headed. His expression showed wary consternation.
“As Drake became weaker, the entity grew stronger and Drake could no longer protect me from it.”
“Okay,” Ryan replied.
I nodded, but couldn’t seem to get the words out of my mouth. This was the part I least looked forward to. “So, uh, anyway . . .” My voice trailed off again as I tried to figure out the best way to tell him I was possessed by Drake’s spirit.
“Ne perds pas ton courage! Do not lose your courage!” Drake announced.
“Spit it out, Pey,” Ryan said at almost the same time.
I wasn’t sure how to “spit it out,” so I thought the next best thing would be to tell Ryan exactly what happened that night. I closed my eyes for a second to jog my memory. When I reopened them, Ryan was staring down at me. “I could hear water running from the guest bathroom,” I said in a soft voice that seemed hollow and frightened. “When I went in to shut it off, it was so cloudy and steamy in the bathroom, I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face.” I inhaled as I recalled the particulars, feeling a new sense of fear spiraling within me. “When I turned the water off and started for the bedroom again, I saw words forming on the mirror in the bathroom.”
“Words?” Ryan repeated.
“Yes. It was like an invisible hand was writing them in the steam, right there, while I watched. They were the words from the letter the Axeman sent to the Times-Picayune newspaper in 1919.” Ryan’s eyes went wide, but he didn’t comment, so I continued. “Prior to this whole mirror episode, I asked Christopher and Lovie to come over. When they realized how strong the entity had grown and what was happening to Drake, that his soul was dissolving into it, they said there was only one way to save him.”
“An’ what way was that?” Ryan asked, studying me intently.
I took another deep breath as I decided it was now or never. “In order to save Drake and allow him to continue protecting me, I had to let him possess me.”
Ryan didn’t say anything for four seconds. He just stared at me, unblinking and unresponsive. When he finally spoke, his voice was low, gritty, and completely devoid of emotion. “So you agreed to become possessed by him?” he asked, his lips tightly pressed together.
“It was the only way I could save him, Ryan!” I protested. “Otherwise, the entity would have grown even stronger and Drake could not continue protecting me from it.” I exhaled all the pent-up anxiety that was building up within me for the last few minutes. “As I saw it, it was my only option.”
Ryan nodded but then shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “This sounds so completely crazy, I almost can’t bring myself to believe it.”
But there was no way I would accept that. Not for one second. “You saw for yourself what happened in my house when Lovie and Christopher exorcised the entity!” I railed back at him. I remembered how arctic the temperature had become, how the wind had raced through the house and shook it, as if in an earthquake. Ryan had experienced the same thing too.
“Yes, I remember,” he answered somewhat reluctantly. It seemed like even though he’d also experienced it, he didn’t want to believe it was true. In general, Ryan tended to give credence, albeit begrudgingly, to the idea that ghosts existed. ’Course, living in New Orleans, it was pretty much impossible to deny the existence of spirits, given how plentiful they were. But, when it came down to it, his first impulse was to exhaust all scientific possibilities before accepting the possibility of the occult.
I wrapped my arms more tightly around myself as a cold breeze chilled me. “I had no other choice, Ryan.”
He stared at me for a few seconds. “So you’re possessed by Drake’s spirit then? Is that what you’re tryin’ to tell me?” I just nodded and watched him shake his head before his gaze settled on something across the street for a few seconds. When his eyes settled on me again, he asked, “So am I talkin’ to you or to him right now?”
“To me,” I answered immediately. “Drake is just a voice in my head. He can’t communicate through me. I basically still control my body. He’s just another voice that exists inside my head.”
“Can he see what you see an’ hear what you hear?”
“Yes,” I said, realizing I needed to explain how it all worked. Maybe then Ryan wouldn’t think it was such a bad a situation. “Drake can basically see, hear, feel, and taste everything I can.”
Ryan nodded as if to say he understood, but his jaw clenched and his lips became even tighter. “Then, when you an’ I were ever . . . intimate . . .” His voice faded as he nodded faster, as if he was trying to make sense of it. “That explains why you pull away from me every time I kiss you. An’ it explains why you’ve been actin’ so peculiar lately . . . like when we were in my truck the other day.”
I nodded with a sigh. “It’s not easy hearing someone else’s commentary in your head all the time.”
Ryan chuckled, but it wasn’t a chuckle that in any way revealed humor or amusement. Instead, it sounded like the laugh of someone who found the information very difficult to swallow. He shook his head and ran his hands
through his hair. “How long have you been possessed?”
I took a deep breath, still not sure of his reaction. He was pretty good when it came to concealing his emotions. “Since right before the exorcism,” I answered. “I wanted to tell you, Ryan—”
“But you didn’t,” he interrupted, glaring down at me, his anger growing obvious in his handsome face.
“I just couldn’t find the right time,” I said in a mousey voice.
“You had every opportunity,” he spat back at me. “Even after promisin’ you wouldn’t leave me out anymore! You knew this information even then! You promised you wouldn’t shut me out an’ yet you never told me.”
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could think of to say.
He shook his head, clearly upset. “So now you decide to tell me! Now, with Lovie, Christopher, an’ Trina all waitin’ for us to return.” His eyes grew wider as he nodded at himself. “An’ the only reason you decided to tell me now is because you realized it was gonna come out now anyway. You were forced to tell me; otherwise, you never would have.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head emphatically. “I absolutely was going to tell you, Ryan!”
“You expect me to believe that?” he railed back at me. “You’ve had, what? A week or more to tell me an’ yet you never did? Save the bullshit, Peyton!”
“Please try to see it from my perspective, Ryan. I wanted to tell you. I really did, but I was afraid of how you’d react.” I took a deep breath. “I know it was wrong that I didn’t tell you sooner, but I just never could seem to find the right time.”
Ryan shook his head defiantly, as if he wasn’t buying my excuses. “Peyton, if you an’ I are goin’ to have a relationship, you can’t keep stuff like this from me. A relationship means we’re partners.” He exhaled with a long sigh. “I can’t keep havin’ this discussion with you. Either you get it an’ agree to it, or you don’t.”
“I do get it!” I declared. “And I do agree to it! I promise we will never have this discussion again!” I pleaded, reaching out for him. I let my hands drop when it became obvious he didn’t want me touching him.
“I can’t keep doin’ this, Peyton,” he said in a soft voice as he frowned down at me. “It was hard enough for me to open myself up after Lizzie died. I never would have, but you came along with your beautiful smile, your pink tools, an’ your laugh, an’ I couldn’t say no.”
“Please, Ryan,” I started, while tears burned my eyes.
“I thought you were right for me,” he said before immediately shaking his head. “I thought you were the one an’ now . . .”
“Now what?” I demanded. Fat tears began rolling down my cheeks. “Nothing has changed, Ryan.”
“Everything has changed,” he answered icily. “I thought I knew you, but now I realize I don’t.” He sighed again while shaking his head in resignation. “Everything has changed.”
What does that mean?” I demanded, feeling slightly nauseated. “Everything changing” sounded like a breakup line if ever I heard one.
Shaking his head, Ryan just stared at the wet ground where the rain leaked from the awning overhead, making a large puddle next to us. He was quiet for a few seconds longer before his eyes met mine. They appeared very hollow in their beautiful, amber depths. “Peyton, every time I lower my walls to allow you to get closer to me, I feel like you instantly distance yourself.” He took a deep breath and kept shaking his head, as if he didn’t have an answer, or didn’t know what to make of our situation. “I know you’re just gettin’ out of a bad marriage, so maybe it’s just a problem of you not givin’ yourself enough time to get over your ex-husband . . .”
“No,” I interrupted as soon as the words came out of his mouth. “My ex-marriage and ex-husband have nothing to do with this. I’ve been over Jonathon for a very long time.” And it was the truth. I’d been over Jonathon for years before I’d finally mustered up the courage to divorce him.
Looking up at Ryan, my eyes implored him to understand, while conveying the feeling that was riding through me. “I want us to be together, Ryan.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, warning myself not to lose it and start crying. There was really nothing I hated more than losing control. When I felt like I’d regained my composure, I opened my eyes and faced him. “I see your point, and I know exactly how you feel. I would feel the same way. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Drake sooner; and I can’t tell you how much I regret not telling you about him from the very beginning.”
“I would have understood, Peyton,” he continued. “I wouldn’t have liked it, but I would have supported your decision because that’s my role as your boyfriend. But I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on.”
I nodded. “I know that now. I just . . .” I shook my head, fighting back more tears. “There has been so much going on in my life lately that I kept postponing it. I was just waiting for the right time, but the right time never seemed to come.”
Still shaking his head, when he spoke, his voice was softer. “You can’t live by that philosophy ’cause the right time never comes.” He studied me for a few seconds before he spoke again. “I fully understand there has been a lot goin’ on in both of our lives lately, but that is all the more reason to keep me in the loop, Peyton.” He took a deep breath and sighed again, cuffing the back of his neck with his hand. “I understand you’re an independent woman an’ fully capable of takin’ care of yourself. You don’t need anyone. Your independence is actually one of the attributes I most admire about you. But don’t forget, I’m a man an’ I need to feel like I’m a man. I need to feel like you need me, an’ that I can help you. I need to feel like I can protect you, Peyton, an’ most of all, I need to feel that you want me to.”
I reached out for him and grasped his hand, folding it between both of mine. “Please, Ryan, please believe me when I tell you that I do absolutely need you. I’m not as independent as you think I am.” I shook my head the more I thought about it. “I don’t know what I would have done without you. You made New Orleans feel like home to me. Without you, who knows where I would be?”
He nodded, but pulled his hand away from mine, thrusting both of his into his jeans’ pockets. “That sounds nice, Peyton, but I can’t help but recall that in almost every situation where somethin’ big went down, you left me out of it altogether. I would never have found out about your exorcism on the house if I hadn’t randomly shown up. An’ the only reason I showed up in the first place was because I doubted your whole story about bein’ sick. An’ now . . . this.”
It was my turn to argue. “That isn’t true, Ryan. When I found the axe outside my back door, who was the first person I ran to? You. And when I first heard footsteps in my house upstairs, you were the one I called.”
“Footsteps that just turned out to be Drake,” he remarked with a frown.
“Yes, they were Drake’s, but I didn’t know that at the time. The point is: I was scared and you were the first person I thought of and the only person I turned to.”
He nodded, but it was curt, which meant he would not allow me much of a victory and still had more in his arsenal. “That’s true; but both of those instances happened a while ago, before you an’ I were in any way romantically involved. It seems things have changed a lot recently.” He paused as he apparently considered this angle. “The more I think about it, the more I wonder if maybe you just subconsciously aren’t ready for me yet.” He began nodding as if his statement made him more convinced of it while the seconds dragged on. “Maybe you just distance yourself without even realizin’ it.”
I shook my head because that wasn’t the case at all. “It might look that way, but it’s not, Ryan. I wanted to tell you about Drake, I really did, but I simply procrastinated.” I desperately wanted to make him understand where I was coming from, and hoped all my explanations weren’t falling on deaf ears. I felt like they were, though
. “I was just afraid of your reaction. I was scared that you would freak out about Drake and wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”
He studied me with narrowed eyes. “Can he hear our whole conversation? Is he listenin’ to everythin’ we’re sayin’ right now?”
“Say no, ma minette,” Drake piped up immediately, reminding me that he was, in fact, listening to the whole conversation.
I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to lie to Ryan anymore. “Yes, he can hear our conversation.”
Ryan’s lips grew tighter. “Then are you talkin’ to him durin’ our conversation?” He stared at me before he continued. “I need to take a step back from this because hearin’ myself right now, it almost seems too absurd to be real. All this talk about ghosts an’ demons an’ possession.” He rubbed his forehead. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve somehow been sucked right into The Twilight Zone.”
“Well, you haven’t been, Ryan,” I said in a sharp-edged tone. “All of this is real and you know that as well as I do. As far as Drake goes, I’m not having a conversation with him right now at all.” I suddenly remembered the card I needed to play: my get-out-of-jail-free card. “I can also tune Drake out, Ryan. I can basically shut him out of any conversation or situation that I choose.”
Ryan studied me pointedly. “What do you mean?”
“Lovie told me about it when she and Christopher first performed the possession ritual on me. All I have to do is think the words ‘I’m shutting you out’ or something similar, and Drake can’t see, hear, feel, or otherwise experience whatever I’m experiencing.” I took a deep breath. “So during the rare times when you and I were intimate in any fashion, I simply shut him out.”
Once Haunted, Twice Shy (The Peyton Clark Series Book 2) Page 9