by Ivy Smoak
“My pulse is high,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. “My pulse is always high, you don’t have to take it.”
“Due to…stress?” the doctor asked.
“No. Due to constant annoyances.”
Both men stared at me. I thought at least Ben would laugh. But no one was laughing.
“I was joking,” I said with a forced laugh. “Obviously I don’t find either of you annoying. I don’t even know you, doctor. I’m sure you’re very competent in your profession. And I love my husband dearly.” My throat felt like it dried up. Had I just confessed to loving Ben? I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. At least his smile was back. But I was pretty sure he was laughing at me.
“She’s a tad high maintenance,” Ben said with a chuckle.
I didn’t know what was true and what was part of the character he was playing. Is that really what he thought about me? I had basically just said I was in love with him. And that was his response?
“But I love her to pieces.”
I definitely stopped breathing. It took me a second to remember this was all pretend. “I hurt my ankle,” I said, turning my attention back to the doctor. I just want to make sure it’s healing properly.”
“Let’s take a look then.” He knelt down in front of me and pushed up the leg of my jeans. “Looks like a minor sprain. You should ice it and keep it elevated as much as possible. You’ll be all healed up within two to three weeks.”
“Great.” I looked at Ben and then back at the doctor. “Could I have a word with you in private?”
“It’s okay,” Ben said. “Anything you say to him you can say in front of me.”
“No.” Again it sounded like I was whining. But I didn’t know what else to do. “It’s a private matter.”
If they checked my blood pressure again, it would be through the roof. I had lost all patience. I had come here for one thing and one thing only. Ben was ruining everything. This issue was bigger than him liking me. I needed help. I desperately needed help.
“Addy, just spit it out,” Ben said. “It’s okay.”
“Shnookums, that phone call…” Why did I keep calling him shnookums? What was wrong with me?
“It can wait. I’m here for you.”
His words were more comforting than he knew. But that didn’t make this any less mortifying. He wasn’t supposed to follow me back here. I was never supposed to talk to him at all. I turned to face the doctor and tried to pretend Ben wasn’t sitting next to me. But it was hard when his hand was so warm on top of mine. It was hard when every fiber of my being was so in tune with him. “I need…” The words got stuck in my throat. I wanted to scream in frustration. “I was hoping I could get a contraceptive implant.” The silence killed me. “Today. If possible.” To me, the silence was ear piercing. The words I spoke clearly made everyone in the room feel uncomfortable. “Please.” I looked down at my hand that was stuck underneath Ben’s. I thought he’d move his hand. But it stayed there. Locked in place.
“Alright,” the doctor said. “An implant is good for three years.” He looked at his clipboard. “You’re thirty. You’re sure you don’t want to have kids within the next three years?”
“Positive.” So freaking positive.
“Do you want to think about it for awhile? Of course, we can remove it early, but the pill is just as effective…”
“I don’t remember to take them.” I’m not allowed to take them. I couldn’t look at him. My eyes were glued to Ben’s hand. “And we decided to wait a bit. He’s focusing on his career,” I nodded to Ben. “And I’m just not…ready to have children anytime soon.” At least the last part was true.
“There are other options. A shot perhaps. It’s less invasive. We usually recommend visiting a gynecologist if you want the implant.”
“How often do you get the shot?” I didn’t have time to make a gynecologist appointment. I needed to get this done before my husband came back.
“Once every three months.”
“Okay, just do that then.” I lifted up my arm. I needed to get this over with and get as far away from this office as possible. And away from Ben. I could feel his eyes on me. Judging me. Maybe? I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know him well enough to even know when he was judging me.
“We need to do a pregnancy test first. And I need to know more about your medical history. Have you ever been pregnant before?”
I didn’t want Ben here. I didn’t want to be here. “I don’t see why that matters.” But I knew why he was asking it. My gynecologist would have asked the same thing. It was standard medical practice.
“I can’t give you the shot without this information. Have you ever been pregnant before?”
I wanted the chair to swallow me whole. “Yes. But I lost the baby.”
“Abortion?”
My eyes snapped to his. How dare he assume the worst in me? “No.” I wanted to call him out on his rudeness, but all the fire in me was gone. I just wanted to go home and cry. “I lost the baby. I didn’t willingly terminate the pregnancy. I would never do that. And I’m not pregnant now so just give me the cup to pee in so we can hurry this along.” I sounded confident. But inside I was trembling. What if I was pregnant? The doctor had every right to assume the worst in me. Because if I was pregnant now I wouldn’t hesitate to terminate the pregnancy. I wouldn’t even blink.
He handed me a cup. “Bathroom is down the hall. Leave the cup on the counter for processing.”
Ben stood up with me and I swatted his hand away. “I’m fine. Really.” But I wasn’t fine. I stumbled down the hall and into the bathroom. God, I wasn’t fine.
Both men looked at me as I hopped back into the exam room.
“We really do need to get going,” I said, without looking at either of them. Can you check on the results?” It felt like my knees were about the buckle. Please don’t let me be pregnant. Please.
“I have a few more questions before we can administer the shot,” the doctor said.
I sat down with a sigh. Maybe I was an ill-tempered child.
“We need a record of your sexual history,” he said while staring down at his clipboard.
Was he being serious right now? Was it his mission to mortify me? “I don’t know what you mean by that.” But I did.
“How many partners have you been with?”
I’m sure my face was bright red. It felt like he was torturing me for no reason. “One.”
“Great.” He jotted it down. “And I just need to make sure you know that the shot does not protect you from STD’s. You will still need to take precaution when…”
“I understand how sex works.” I wanted this to be a dream. A terrible, awful dream. “If you have any other questions for me could you maybe just give me a form to fill out?”
“That was actually the last question. Everything else I needed to know was in the medical forms you filled out before coming in.”
And why weren’t the awkward, invasive questions a part of the questionnaire? It was as if he wanted to humiliate me.
Joanne stuck her head in. “She’s good to go.”
The doctor already had the shot ready. He was probably as excited to be rid of me as I was to be rid of him.
I turned away as he inserted it in my arm. And as soon as we were done I stood up and hopped toward the door.
“Thank you, doctor,” Ben said from behind me.
“Of course, Mr. Bell. Mrs. Bell…”
But I was already through the door.
Chapter 13
“Addy?” Ben called from behind me.
I kept walking, biting down on my lip to divert my attention from the pain in my ankle.
“Addy! Wait!” He caught up to me when I reached the passenger’s side of his truck.
I couldn’t face him. Not even when he stepped right in front of me. Instead, I stared at his chest.
“Do you want to talk about what just happened?”
The tears bit at the inside of my eyes. I focu
sed on the second button of his shirt. The top one was undone, giving him a casually inviting look. But there was nothing casual or inviting about this conversation. “What do you want me to say, Ben? You weren’t supposed to know any of that. I didn’t want you to look at me like you are right now.”
“I’m not…”
“Like you pity me.”
“I don’t pity you. And how would you even know how I look? You haven’t made eye contact with me for the past 20 minutes.”
“I don’t need to look at you to know how you’re looking at me.”
“You’re ridiculous. You do realize that.”
“I didn’t want you to know.” My voice sounded so small. It took me back to that moment I found out I had lost my baby. I put my hand on my stomach, instantly remembering how it felt to no longer have something to protect.
“We would have had to have that conversation eventually. Better to get everything out there.”
What on earth was he talking about? I was never going to tell him about that. About any of it. “I asked you to leave a bajillion times.”
“Only a bajillion? You should have made it two bajillion and I would have listened.”
“Ben!” His stupid comment was what finally made me look up at him. He hadn’t been lying. It didn’t look like he pitied me at all. He just looked concerned. And slightly agitated. I sighed. “It’s embarrassing for me to talk about stuff like that. Is that what you want to hear? I’m old. With old people problems. And I don’t understand why you’re being so nice to me. I haven’t been that nice to you. Or nice at all really. You should be hanging out with some 23 year old girl that…”
“Now why would I do that when I could have you?”
Maybe it wasn’t agitation in his eyes so much as it was affection. And concern. And…lust? Possibly? I didn’t understand it. Why was he staring at me like that? He was supposed to pity my existence. I was a pathetic woman pining over someone seven years younger. “You can’t…you can’t have me, Ben.” It was time to tell him the truth.
I didn’t even have time to react. In a blink of an eye his fingers were tangled in my hair, arching my neck back.
“Ben…”
His lips crashed against mine, silencing me. How long had I been waiting for this moment? I parted my lips for him with the slightest nudge from his tongue. It was pure perfection. He tasted like heaven. And I had lost all control. My dreams had been only of him for so long. My thoughts only of him. No one would have had enough self-control to resist this temptation. Especially me.
I gripped the back of his neck, drawing him closer. His other hand slid down the curve of my hip to grip my ass as he pushed me back against his truck. A completely brazen display of affection. I should have felt shame. I know that I should have. But all I could feel was him. All I could focus on was him. And I wanted more. I wanted all of him.
He groaned into my mouth and I swallowed down the air he breathed. It was like he was breathing life into me.
Take me. That’s what I wanted to say. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. I wanted him to have me right against his car. I wanted to remember what it felt like to truly live. My body melted into his, fusing us together. I let his fingers wander down the side of my neck. His touch lit my skin on fire. The anticipation was too much. It felt like my heart was beating in my throat. I needed him.
His fingers dipped to my clavicle.
And then I was back in hell, the pain from my hurt shoulder searing through me. It was so much harder to fall back when I had tasted heaven.
I put my hand on his chest and turned my face away from him. I tried to catch my breath, but my words still came out airy. “We can’t do this.”
He let his hands fall from my body. “You have two seconds, Addy. Two seconds to stop me from proving that we most certainly can." He put his hands on either side of me, sandwiching me between him and the car.
I knew what he wanted to do. My libido wasn’t dead even if it felt like the rest of me was. I had no desire to stop him. I wanted to say, “Then prove it.” I so badly wanted the words to fall from my lips. There was a hotel a few blocks back. I could ask him to take me to it. I could make my fantasies a reality.
But fear had gripped my heart. And not just for my own safety, but for his. We were too exposed in the parking lot. “Please take me home.” I found the door handle behind me and pulled it, but nothing happened.
“It’s locked,” Ben said.
“Then unlock it.”
He didn’t move.
“If you’re not going to take me home, I’ll call a cab.”
He sighed and stepped back. I wasn’t sure I had ever felt so cold. The car beeped as it unlocked. I scurried into the passenger’s seat to get away from him. But the scent in the car just made him feel even closer.
I kept my eyes glued on the window the whole ride home.
“Thanks for the ride to the clinic,” I said as he pulled into my driveway. I cringed when he cut the engine in my driveway. He grabbed my hand before I could reach for the door handle.
“You can’t pretend you didn’t enjoy that as much as I did.” His voice sounded heavy like he was trying to hide his emotion.
“It was a mistake. We can’t do this.” But God, it feels so nice to have my hand in his.
“Give me one reason why.”
I laughed. “You’re 23, Ben.”
He moved his hand to the side of my face. “Adeline Bell, I think you’re beautiful and…”
“Stop.”
His lips parted like he was about to say something else.
“Don't be fooled by what you see. It's the things you don't that really matter."
His lips closed. He was staring at me too intently. As if he was staring into my soul.
I took the opportunity to distance myself further and climbed out of his truck.
“Addy, I think we should talk about this.” He sounded determined. Like he had just seen the worst and he didn’t care. If only he knew what demons I was hiding.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I thought we were friends. And clearly, we’re not. And there’s no undoing what happened. So just…don’t come back here. Please stay away from me. Please.” I slammed the door closed.
Chapter 14
I woke up drenched in sweat. I turned in bed and reached out to the other side. My fingers were met by empty sheets.
I had dismissed Ben Jones from my life. But I hadn’t dismissed him from my dreams. It would have taken awhile, but I could have eventually forgotten what he looked like. I could have made the sight of him disappear from my memory. But I had experienced every sense of him. Smell, sight, taste, touch, and sound, and God I couldn’t forget. And I’d be lying if I said I was even trying.
Stop. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. He hadn’t come this morning. He had listened to my request. And now I wished I had never made it. A part of me thought he’d keep coming. He seemed persistent. So where was he? Was he lying in bed thinking about me too?
I closed my eyes tight. I was overloaded by all five senses of him when my eyes were shut. Maybe I’d just lay in bed forever.
***
There was a correct balance. But I didn’t know what it was. If I wore too much makeup, the gawkers would talk. If I wore too little, they’d scoff behind my back. I tossed the eyeliner back down on the counter.
I was over-thinking it. All I had to do was march into their snotty meeting and make it clear that I wasn’t having an affair. Easy. I looked down at my ankle and sighed. Hobbling into the meeting didn’t seem nearly as effective. But it would have to do.
Even though I had told my husband I had been going to the civic association meetings on a regular basis, I had only ever been to one. I had been to a couple hoity-toity book club meetings too, and that was enough to show me that these women weren’t for me. I had feigned sick at first to avoid them and then they seemed to forget about me. I had tried to stay invisible for the past few years. And now I w
as willingly walking into the dragon’s lair. I was doomed.
Not only did I need to make them not talk about me and Ben, I also had to make sure they didn’t talk about me being at the meeting. Or else my husband would find out that I didn’t obey his request. That wasn’t an option.
I stuffed my swollen ankle into my boot and did my best not to cringe as I zipped it up. I would have worn yoga pants and sneakers, but I figured that wasn’t the correct attire for these pretentious meetings. Besides, I hadn’t bought new sneakers yet. I tried not to think of what my neighbor was doing with a random lone sneaker in his or her house.
Cheating. Lies. Scandal.
All of it was true. But it was on me. Not that poor, unknowing victim. Hopefully their marriage was strong enough to get through a women’s sneaker appearing with no explanation.
Maybe it would come up in today’s meeting. Item four on the agenda could be my sneaker. I tried to make an innocent face in the mirror and laughed. I was being ridiculous. Unless they had a neighborhood lost and found. Was that a thing?
I groaned and walked out of my bedroom. The boots kept my ankle straight, which made it a little easier to walk. But that didn’t make it any less painful.
I downed several Advil before stepping outside into the crisp autumn evening. Limping into the meeting would cause talk. I needed to pretend everything was perfect. That’s what the gawkers needed to think. That my life was perfect. That their lives were perfect. That everything in the world was freaking perfect.
What a lie. I crossed my arms in front of me. The air was chilly and I wished I had brought a jacket. But I wasn’t going to expend the extra energy to walk back. Not when my ankle was already throbbing. A pillow would have been nice too. Why was I so tired all of the time?
The soles of my boots crunched on top of the leaves. I don’t know what made me realize it, but the colors were breathtakingly vibrant and beautiful. Had I never truly seen autumn leaves before? Yellows, oranges, and reds of all shades. I smiled and I continued to crunch through them. I had been numb for so long. So long that I couldn’t ever remember seeing such beauty.